my own issues and what to do...

[The Fiance]

I'm getting married very soon to a survivor... I'm the only person who knows of his abuse as of now. His abuser is a close relative. It's complicated to explain without getting into specifics, but another relative had the ability to stop it from happening again, she was aware of his prior attempt to abuse a different person. But she didn't do ANYTHING to stop my fiancee from spending time with the abuser, in fact she pushed them to spend time together.

My fiancee never told his family, how is he supposed to say "no, i'm not going there because this is what your loved one did to me"?? so it's not like she actually knew that it was happening to him, but still, she could have made damn sure the opportunity never presented itself.

I find myself getting incredibly angry at her. When my fiancee brought up that some things she never knew about happened (non specific, kinda testing the waters to talk about it) this person jumped in defending the abuser saying he was an alcoholic and this and that, basically saying he was not responsible for anything that happened, whatever it could be.

I wanted to SCREAM! if he's got an excuse for abusing a child, than what is her excuse for allowing it to happen through ignorance and neglect???? i know that it's not fair to her for me to hate her for a secret reason, but i can't help it. I can't stand how people stood by when they were capable of preventing this wonderful person from being hurt so deeply. I love him more than anything, and I'm very protective of his feelings. I let him handle things on his own (or at least i try!), but i still can't help but getting really angry and hateful towards some of the people who have either directly, or indirectly, contributed to this horror, or continue to neglect his feelings in any way, shape, or form today.

I'm SURE that it's normal to have disgust and anger at the person who abused your partner, but is it normal, or fair, to hold others accountable as well? Have any of you ever been able to stop that feeling? My fiancee doesn't hold the person accountable, but i don't understand how he doesn't. I don't try to get him to feel the same way i do, i don't think i've ever discussed it with him, but i can't help but feeling this way. Sometimes I wish i could get her into a room alone and scream until she goes back in time and does what SHOULD have been done. Of course that's not possible, but it wouldn't stop me from yelling for as long as it takes anyway.

I have issues with the person anyway, but i sometimes feel (in hindsight of course) that my reactions to her actions today would be somewhat different if i didn't place this blame on her. I'd like, for at least my fiancee's sake, try and stop pointing my finger at her, and try to be able to cope with what's happened a little more calmly.

Do any of you have experience with being "civilized" with abusers or enablers? Are there any methods of dealing with face to face to encounters that are not either bursting into tears or kicking some butt?

 

[SAR]

I have to make this quick, I will be able to respond to you more tomorrow night.

You're right that it will help your fiancee if you can learn to be calm and deal productively with the people in his family. If as you say, part of what's bothering you is her current behavior, you may be totally justified in being upset about that behavior-- you don't need to go digging into the past if someone is behaving inexcusably to you or your loved one today. It might help you to stay focused on the present issues.

I'm not saying that's easy.

There's a good thread active on this forum right now, started by Wifey1, that talks about dealing with hostile inlaws.

 

[medicb4]

Originally posted by The Fiance:
I'm getting married very soon to a survivor... I'm the only person who knows of his abuse as of now.

Congratulations!! You are in for a fun ride - rollercoaster to be sure, but there is a motion sickness bag here at MS.

I still remember the night I told my fiancee about my abuse. I have never felt so vulnerable, or so loved.

His abuser is a close relative. It's complicated to explain without getting into specifics, but another relative had the ability to stop it from happening again, she was aware of his prior attempt to abuse a different person. But she didn't do ANYTHING to stop my fiancee from spending time with the abuser, in fact she pushed them to spend time together.

My wife is also a survivor. She was horribly abused by multiple men in her family and abandoned to her fate by her mother & sister (and probably other relatives).

My solution to the emotions I have was to write a letter to them. It is far to graphic to post here (A medical education allows for certain creative license in such writing) and will never be sent (Swedish Law takes a very dim view of such threats) but putting the words down on paper was enormously cathartic for me. Even more so than the letter I wrote to my mother (probably cause she is already dead, but I digress).

I wanted to SCREAM! if he's got an excuse for abusing a child, than what is her excuse for allowing it to happen through ignorance and neglect???? i know that it's not fair to her for me to hate her for a secret reason, but i can't help it.

Is isn't unfair to hate for a secret reason. She knows and can't take responsibility.

I let him handle things on his own (or at least i try!)

Here is something you need to keep a handle on. He has had hes boundaries invaded once...you can't take his battles and you definitely can't superscede his process.

Do any of you have experience with being "civilized" with abusers or enablers? Are there any methods of dealing with face to face to encounters that are not either bursting into tears or kicking some butt?

Breathe - Count - Breathe - Count --- If this doesn't work you should remove yorself from the situation. YOU opening pandoras box is just bad.

Can Open - Worms everywhere

Scott

 

[The Fiance]

thanks for the responses, they were helpful

its sooo hard to not become consumed by anger in situations like this, and it's especially hard not to share those feelings to the full extent with the one person who i can talk to.

he might be going to therapy, and if he does, i'd like to join him after he gets settled into it and learn how i can better support him and deal with what i know.

 

[SAR]

Why do you have to wait for him to go to therapy? If you feel that you need a support system now, and you need help dealing with some of the things you've learned and managing some very difficult emotions, why not get therapy for yourself?

I have found, for me, that as my relationship gets healthier and stronger, and as my own confidence in the relationship grows (and I should point out that not all of my confidence issues in the relationship have to do with his abuse history; some have to do with my own anxiety about various stuff)-- basically as his abusive past has less of a hold on him and us, my anger diminishes.

For me, the anger is about powerlessness. I can't do anything about what happened to him, and I can't change these other foolish people's minds about anything. When I feel like he and I have power over our life together NOW, the powerlessness I have about the rest of it is a bit easier for me to handle. I talked about this more in the other thread too.

It may be hard for your fiancee, and I agree with the other poster that you can't invade his boundaries when it comes to his own issues, but the two of you are building a life together. It's not out of line for you to want to set some guidelines about how much you let the both of your families into your new life. If, for example, alcoholism is an issue in the family, you and he can let it be known that certain behaviors won't be acceptable in your home, even if other people excuse them. If people in his family continue to neglect his feelings, the two of you can set limits on how much exposure to them you have. You don't have to be mean about it... but you don't have to pick up the phone every time it rings, either.