My New Life
Hello to all. Please be warned. There my be triggers to follow. But overall, its good stuff.
This is posted in "Survivor Stories" also.
I'm not so afraid anymore to say my name and tell others. And I can say & admit to actions that HAPPENED to me.
I was raped by my father. Many times. He used fear, intimidation, power, pain, and so much more, with what seemed so little effort, to meet his sick-o needs.
There's a lot in that little paragraph.
Its a commination of what I REMEMBER & what I come to understand from remembering. What I have been able to make sense of with the help of Therapy.
Developing an understanding of what is immoral, counterproductive, insane behavior, is no easy task.
Working through the feelings of guilt, shame, terror, and all the horror & painful memories is the hardest of all work. It seemed to me to be that way at the time & still does as I look back at it.
Pain. So much pain.
The childhood pain. The recovery pain.
Its very real. It led me to the very edge of my then miserable existence.
Allowing myself to feel. Giving myself permission.
Actively pursuing the WORK that is therapy.
Letting go.
This may seem impossible. As a far to simple a word.
Yet, I have let go of the burden he placed upon me 35 years ago. Some may see this as forgiveness. Perhaps it is. I forgive, ME.
Anger.
Nearly destroyed me. How different life would have been without it. O, there was some thing gained by it. The drive to survive, I suppose.
Hate.
I despised myself. Hated the sound of my name.
Wished to just die. Had no fear of death. I thought that made me strong.
Now, I want to live. I understand how misplaced that apparent strength was. Yet I know where it came from, & I have turned it into a better strength. One that serves me, instead of enslaving me.
Slave.
I was a slave to him as a child. I was a slave to the feelings & misunderstands he planted.
Now, I am FREE.
I make my own way in the world.
I allow myself to love & be loved, without his presence being in the room.
I can still get angry, be afraid, feel sad.
These feeling come from me in response to the normal stresses of a normal life.
I am not perfect. My life still has ups & downs.
But these I WILL overcome. AND, I will Not destroy what progress I have made in the meantime.
I have FELT joy, contentment, happiness.
10 years ago I would have said there was no problem. It was impossible to see & feel what was like a great burning log upon me.
5 years ago, I would have thought you a fool if you had said that an end to this misery was even remotely possible.
Thank you.
For every one of you that have even had one thought of me. I thank you for every proton of energy you have sent my way. I thank my two therapist, whos names I cant even recall anymore, but without their help, I wouldn't be here now.
Of that cold fact, I AM sure.
I thank myself. Yes, I do. I fought the good fight. I won the war too.
Are there any fights left. Perhaps. Life is dynamic. But I'm not really worried.
I know where to get help. And I Will seek it out.
Like coming here & posting. Or chat. Or talking with a friend. Or going out and having fun. or, if need be. Seeking out a Therapists again.
It's ok now. I can do it.
And so can all of you.
I did it.
I believe you can too.
Peace out, ~Paul
This is posted in "Survivor Stories" also.
I'm not so afraid anymore to say my name and tell others. And I can say & admit to actions that HAPPENED to me.
I was raped by my father. Many times. He used fear, intimidation, power, pain, and so much more, with what seemed so little effort, to meet his sick-o needs.
There's a lot in that little paragraph.
Its a commination of what I REMEMBER & what I come to understand from remembering. What I have been able to make sense of with the help of Therapy.
Developing an understanding of what is immoral, counterproductive, insane behavior, is no easy task.
Working through the feelings of guilt, shame, terror, and all the horror & painful memories is the hardest of all work. It seemed to me to be that way at the time & still does as I look back at it.
Pain. So much pain.
The childhood pain. The recovery pain.
Its very real. It led me to the very edge of my then miserable existence.
Allowing myself to feel. Giving myself permission.
Actively pursuing the WORK that is therapy.
Letting go.
This may seem impossible. As a far to simple a word.
Yet, I have let go of the burden he placed upon me 35 years ago. Some may see this as forgiveness. Perhaps it is. I forgive, ME.
Anger.
Nearly destroyed me. How different life would have been without it. O, there was some thing gained by it. The drive to survive, I suppose.
Hate.
I despised myself. Hated the sound of my name.
Wished to just die. Had no fear of death. I thought that made me strong.
Now, I want to live. I understand how misplaced that apparent strength was. Yet I know where it came from, & I have turned it into a better strength. One that serves me, instead of enslaving me.
Slave.
I was a slave to him as a child. I was a slave to the feelings & misunderstands he planted.
Now, I am FREE.
I make my own way in the world.
I allow myself to love & be loved, without his presence being in the room.
I can still get angry, be afraid, feel sad.
These feeling come from me in response to the normal stresses of a normal life.
I am not perfect. My life still has ups & downs.
But these I WILL overcome. AND, I will Not destroy what progress I have made in the meantime.
I have FELT joy, contentment, happiness.
10 years ago I would have said there was no problem. It was impossible to see & feel what was like a great burning log upon me.
5 years ago, I would have thought you a fool if you had said that an end to this misery was even remotely possible.
Thank you.
For every one of you that have even had one thought of me. I thank you for every proton of energy you have sent my way. I thank my two therapist, whos names I cant even recall anymore, but without their help, I wouldn't be here now.
Of that cold fact, I AM sure.
I thank myself. Yes, I do. I fought the good fight. I won the war too.
Are there any fights left. Perhaps. Life is dynamic. But I'm not really worried.
I know where to get help. And I Will seek it out.
Like coming here & posting. Or chat. Or talking with a friend. Or going out and having fun. or, if need be. Seeking out a Therapists again.
It's ok now. I can do it.
And so can all of you.
I did it.
I believe you can too.
Peace out, ~Paul
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