My mother's baby...

My mother's baby...
S

Sick Puppy

Registrant
When I was 13, my mother had an abortion. This was nothing unusual... for some reason she was never a fan of birth control, and she was constantly having sex with various men.

However, since she had married my stepdad Ray (when I was 10) she didn't sell herself anymore. So the baby was probably Ray's, right?

What I never told anyone is it might have been mine... :(
 
Originally posted by WhyMe:
Josh,

Do you really want to hear the medical scenario for what might have happened?

I am just asking because I am concerned about you and I care about you. Are you prepared for this kind of discussion?

Jeff
Click to expand...
What do you mean, exactly? Do you mean how the baby would have turned out if it lived? I know it would have been very messed up, not only because of incest, but because my mother and I both have very bad genes... it probably would have been retarded or at least severely mentally ill.
 
Oh.. I'm sorry. I'm dumb... :(

The thing is that I found condoms in Ray's drawer so I think he and my mom were using them... of course one could have broke, but I didn't use condoms with my mom because there hadn't been any need for birth control until I hit puberty...
 
I'm not even really sure how much Ray and my mom had sex. Ray was a pedophile... but then again so was my mom, I guess, and she still had sex with adult men...

I was almost always at home... my mom didn't let me go away to camp or anything. It was a long time ago so I can't remember what was going on in the time frame it would have been concieved, but I was probably having sex with her...

We didn't use any birth control because she had been doing this since I was very young and only recently had I begun to ejaculate... she never wanted me to pull out, even. I just did what she said... maybe she wanted a baby from me. But then why did she abort it? I don't know...
 
POSSIBLE TRIGGER !!!__________________________________________________

What I never told anyone is it might have been mine...
__________________________________________________

Is this your way of telling us that your mother seduced you, or are you feeling sad that your mother aborted your possible son/brother or daughter/sister? Would you have wanted him to live even if he were in perfect health, even if he/she were Ray's child? What would his/her future have been other than terrifying abuse, and, if he/she were your child, finding out that you are not only his/her brother but also his/her father? Your mother had the abortion because she didn't want the baby for whatever reason. Maybe she didn't know who the father was (and it could have been someone other than you or Ray) or maybe she just didn't want another child. SP, your mom was a lousy mother, but I think in this case she did the right thing except for telling you about it. That in itself was abusive. I'm so sorry because it's so very sad for you. Take care.

Mary
 
soory, can't respond att his post eitherr. bebtter leave hehr now
 
Josh:
Please dont dwell on this ok. Whatever happened was not your fault.

Who knows what was going on in your mother's mind. By the way, because of her actions I do believe that she relinquished the right to that title.

I know I have enough trouble trying to figure myself out let alone others.

What is important now is that you have said it. IT is in the open and you can move on. And Josh that is exactly what you are doing.
 
Josh,

I must agree with Mike do not dwell on this issue. If and I do mean if the child was yours it is gone. Their is no way to know if it was yours or not. Your mother raped you. She used her power over you to force you to do things that you did not want to do. Dwelling on the issue that the child may have been yours does not help in your recovery. It is a question that cannot be answered.

Lots of love, Nathan
 
josh,
i believe i understand the feelings you experience (as do many others here). when i have been facing certain issues that were objectively beyond my control i still carried the guilt and shame for the outcome. in one instance i blamed myself for the horrendous abuse five of my cousins suffered from their birth because i did not report the family member i trusted as an adolescent. that still haunts me from time to time. there was nothing i could have objectively done, buit that is false compensation. we hear the words that it is not our fault, but in our heart "we" know that "we" are guilty as homemade sin. i think that at some point in our healing journey we have to internalize the truth that we were totally innocent of the abuse and brainwashing we were subjected to. until we reach that point, we still hear the ghosts of shame. i also think it has a lot to do with our own attempts to learn to love our inner child who was never loved and protected by those who should have done so. once we can embrace our inner child with the unconditional love they were deprived of then we can honestly start healing and getting rid of those ghosts. it is so difficult to accept the truth that it was not our fault, but at some point, we will.
 
Josh, I am terribly saddened to hear that your mother used you sexually. It sounds like she was a very ill woman. You were never to blame for what happened.

You are a fine young man Josh.

Bob
 
Josh
next time you have contact with some young boys study them hard.
See how they act, what they talk about, try to understand how they think - and then ask yourself "what could I have done ?"

The answer will be "nothing" - there was nothing you could have done, she'd abused you for many years and you were conditioned to her demands
You weren't allowed to make choices or decision, she did that for you.

I always maintain that the most damaging part of CSA is the abuse of power - not the sex.

And as adults we believe we have power over ourselves once again, we think that because the sex has stopped the abuse of power stops with it, but it doesn't.
That lies deeper within us, even if we have no contact with our abusers, the effect of the abusive power game lives on, and my guess is that's what this memory has as it's roots.
I think she could have been playing some kind of sick 'ultimate power trip' on you.

I know how powerful you can be Josh, you have worked through some deep problems so far, and I also know that you have a desire to heal.
Use the power you have to dispel her power, not easy I know. But you can have some of mine to help you.

Dave
 
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