My Mother-new connections just made..
This following paragraph was taken from another post i made when I got triggered and began to remember some stuff that my mother did to me. I am really confused right now! Did anybody go through anything similar to this?????
My Mother, and all her Wonderful *cough*[Horrible]*cough* Idea's and wisdom decided on my behalf(again) that I would benefit much more greatly if I was sent off away to another Program (again)(I have been sent to over 20 programs and none of them are/were "what the shiny brochure promised that they would be"). Many of them were and are Child Gulags! I am NOT Making ANY OF THIS UP. I swear on MY LIFE!!!!! You can look it up for yourselves: just type into Google search: WWASP + Abuse, or CEDU +abuse, or "High Impact Wilderness Programs" + abuse And see for your selves!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it, she had done it to me Again after she promised to never do that to me ever again. It was as if she had a compulsion to hurt me or make sure that I was being hurt by somebody.
Why!!! Why would she do that again after all the promises that she made to me that she never would, ever?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ho could she do that and I was in my mid 20's for god sakes!!!
Why ma, Why???????
Triggers:
basically when I was 4-5 years old my mother would beat me or spank me with hear open hand or a thin can or a canvass belt. And, then immediately afterwards, she would sit me down in her lap and put her arms around me and tell me that "it's all over now, that's it, shhhhh, its ok Mommy loves you. its ok, etc." All the while I would still be Sobbing from the previous event.
Sometimes she would do this while I was standing up and she would grab both of my hands with one hand and pull up while she pulled my pants down with her other hand and then she would furiously spank me while shouting at me "you little bastard! Your a Bad! Boy! Bad! boy!" and with every word came a a hit or spank. She would do this until she got tired. it was usually only about 2 minutes but it felt like at long time.
She would also pull my pants down and make me lie on my bed on my belly and hit me with this thin bamboo cane or a cacky colored belt that had a thin leather piece to it where it would strap to the buckle-She never hit me will the buckle and this only happened 2 times per month I think but it happened regularly and I never new what I had done to deserve the punishment.
It was also ALWAYS in a Fit of anger and she would beat me until I was fully sobbing and shaking. I remember i used to ask what I had done and that would make her madder at me. I mean she would be mad at me before even entering my room and telling me to get on my bed a pull down my pants and I would Immediately begin to plead with her and tell her that I was sorry for what ever I had done---I still have no clue as to what I did that made her so made at me.
I once said sobbing and in tears to her while this was going on "mommy, what did I do...." and her reply was pretty swift she hit me across the face with the cane, I remember how much it stung my ear and cheek, and she shouted at me "You don't ever speak to me when I_______ you!!!!!", I think she said discipline but I am not sure.
Then after wards it was the strangest fucking thing, she would be very calm and gentle and again tell me that she was sorry that mommy got so angry and that it won't ever happen ever again and she would rock me and console me in her arms until I had settled down a little bit.
I really believe that I must have done something wrong to deserve that and I always tried to be "a good boy." I would follow every direction without question and while my sister was a brat and my brother would throw huge fits, I would be silent and behave as much as possible!!!
I never put it together until now. The Physical Abuse/torture from my brother began when I was 5 yrs old and as many time that I would go to my mother crying and begging her to protect me from him, she never, ever did-Not once!!!
Then later on in my life she sent me to torturous child and teenager gulags for kids that wore avoiding being sent to Juvenile Hall. I remember that at one of the places, even the staff was wondering what I was doing there because I was the only kid that wasn't court ordered to go.
When i was young and the beating took place, after every time when she promised never to do it again, I believed her. I wanted her to love me so badly (tears). I just kept thinking that I must be doing something wrong and if I could just figure out what that was, then everything would be great and she wouldn't do those things to me anymore and she would love me.
Later on, when the stuff with my brother began, it got more violent as time went on and my brother realized he could get away with pretty much anything.
I don't think he every sexually abused me, well no for his sexual gratification anyway, but he did do things that were, uh, besides painful they were just very very wrong-basically he would stick things inside of me and then laugh about it or hit the parts that would stick out which honestly felt like they were cutting me up and damaging my insides. I clearly remember him sticking a wooden spoon into me and after it was over I showed it to my mother with the blood and some poop on it and I thought of it at the time as irrefutable evidence. So my mother took the spoon and went with me to confront my brother about it and simply asked him if what I said had happened. He of course denied that anything happened and that was it!!!!! My own Mother took him at his word and took his over mine and that was when i stopped going to my mother to try to get her to help protect me from him! i was 8 at the time- his physical abuse ended when i was 14 almost 15.
Later on she began to send me away to these horrible places, but I don't really want to talk about this anymore.
I am beginning to feel dizzy and I am afraid that I could be on the brink of Disassociating and that has not happened to me in a very long time and I do NOT want it to.
I feel sick both physically and emotionally.
I really wish that I could find something that I did wrong that would prove that what she did when I was very young, that it meant that I deserved it, but I am beginning to see the light on the matter that I didn't do anything wrong and it hurts so fucking much to come to this conclusion. I wonder why I never made this connection before? Maybe just the thought that Mom didn't really love me was too much to bare at the time. but, there were other times when she was very caring and loving towards me. It was like she was 2 different people.
Does this make sense to anyone? Did you mom ever treat you horrible and then turn around and be very tender and kind????????????
I know that I have problems with intimacy with Women that I have relationships with and found it very difficult to trust them, I just never knew why---I think I may have stubbled across the answer, sadly.
Anybody who could shed so light on the subject, I feel lost and could really use some help traversing this new and very painful territory.
Thank You in advance and I am very sorry about the triggers if they affected you.
Sadly now aware,
Logan
My Mother, and all her Wonderful *cough*[Horrible]*cough* Idea's and wisdom decided on my behalf(again) that I would benefit much more greatly if I was sent off away to another Program (again)(I have been sent to over 20 programs and none of them are/were "what the shiny brochure promised that they would be"). Many of them were and are Child Gulags! I am NOT Making ANY OF THIS UP. I swear on MY LIFE!!!!! You can look it up for yourselves: just type into Google search: WWASP + Abuse, or CEDU +abuse, or "High Impact Wilderness Programs" + abuse And see for your selves!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it, she had done it to me Again after she promised to never do that to me ever again. It was as if she had a compulsion to hurt me or make sure that I was being hurt by somebody.
Why!!! Why would she do that again after all the promises that she made to me that she never would, ever?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ho could she do that and I was in my mid 20's for god sakes!!!
Why ma, Why???????
Triggers:
basically when I was 4-5 years old my mother would beat me or spank me with hear open hand or a thin can or a canvass belt. And, then immediately afterwards, she would sit me down in her lap and put her arms around me and tell me that "it's all over now, that's it, shhhhh, its ok Mommy loves you. its ok, etc." All the while I would still be Sobbing from the previous event.
Sometimes she would do this while I was standing up and she would grab both of my hands with one hand and pull up while she pulled my pants down with her other hand and then she would furiously spank me while shouting at me "you little bastard! Your a Bad! Boy! Bad! boy!" and with every word came a a hit or spank. She would do this until she got tired. it was usually only about 2 minutes but it felt like at long time.
She would also pull my pants down and make me lie on my bed on my belly and hit me with this thin bamboo cane or a cacky colored belt that had a thin leather piece to it where it would strap to the buckle-She never hit me will the buckle and this only happened 2 times per month I think but it happened regularly and I never new what I had done to deserve the punishment.
It was also ALWAYS in a Fit of anger and she would beat me until I was fully sobbing and shaking. I remember i used to ask what I had done and that would make her madder at me. I mean she would be mad at me before even entering my room and telling me to get on my bed a pull down my pants and I would Immediately begin to plead with her and tell her that I was sorry for what ever I had done---I still have no clue as to what I did that made her so made at me.
I once said sobbing and in tears to her while this was going on "mommy, what did I do...." and her reply was pretty swift she hit me across the face with the cane, I remember how much it stung my ear and cheek, and she shouted at me "You don't ever speak to me when I_______ you!!!!!", I think she said discipline but I am not sure.
Then after wards it was the strangest fucking thing, she would be very calm and gentle and again tell me that she was sorry that mommy got so angry and that it won't ever happen ever again and she would rock me and console me in her arms until I had settled down a little bit.
I really believe that I must have done something wrong to deserve that and I always tried to be "a good boy." I would follow every direction without question and while my sister was a brat and my brother would throw huge fits, I would be silent and behave as much as possible!!!
I never put it together until now. The Physical Abuse/torture from my brother began when I was 5 yrs old and as many time that I would go to my mother crying and begging her to protect me from him, she never, ever did-Not once!!!
Then later on in my life she sent me to torturous child and teenager gulags for kids that wore avoiding being sent to Juvenile Hall. I remember that at one of the places, even the staff was wondering what I was doing there because I was the only kid that wasn't court ordered to go.
When i was young and the beating took place, after every time when she promised never to do it again, I believed her. I wanted her to love me so badly (tears). I just kept thinking that I must be doing something wrong and if I could just figure out what that was, then everything would be great and she wouldn't do those things to me anymore and she would love me.
Later on, when the stuff with my brother began, it got more violent as time went on and my brother realized he could get away with pretty much anything.
I don't think he every sexually abused me, well no for his sexual gratification anyway, but he did do things that were, uh, besides painful they were just very very wrong-basically he would stick things inside of me and then laugh about it or hit the parts that would stick out which honestly felt like they were cutting me up and damaging my insides. I clearly remember him sticking a wooden spoon into me and after it was over I showed it to my mother with the blood and some poop on it and I thought of it at the time as irrefutable evidence. So my mother took the spoon and went with me to confront my brother about it and simply asked him if what I said had happened. He of course denied that anything happened and that was it!!!!! My own Mother took him at his word and took his over mine and that was when i stopped going to my mother to try to get her to help protect me from him! i was 8 at the time- his physical abuse ended when i was 14 almost 15.
Later on she began to send me away to these horrible places, but I don't really want to talk about this anymore.
I am beginning to feel dizzy and I am afraid that I could be on the brink of Disassociating and that has not happened to me in a very long time and I do NOT want it to.
I feel sick both physically and emotionally.
I really wish that I could find something that I did wrong that would prove that what she did when I was very young, that it meant that I deserved it, but I am beginning to see the light on the matter that I didn't do anything wrong and it hurts so fucking much to come to this conclusion. I wonder why I never made this connection before? Maybe just the thought that Mom didn't really love me was too much to bare at the time. but, there were other times when she was very caring and loving towards me. It was like she was 2 different people.
Does this make sense to anyone? Did you mom ever treat you horrible and then turn around and be very tender and kind????????????
I know that I have problems with intimacy with Women that I have relationships with and found it very difficult to trust them, I just never knew why---I think I may have stubbled across the answer, sadly.
Anybody who could shed so light on the subject, I feel lost and could really use some help traversing this new and very painful territory.
Thank You in advance and I am very sorry about the triggers if they affected you.
Sadly now aware,
Logan
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