my mother loved me too much
I just joined this site, it's my first post. I guess part of the power of sites like this is to act as a therapy session by letting people talk about what happened to them, so I will use this opportunity as well. I've never said anything about it before and although I have been aware of the events that happened, I never categorized them as sexual abuse. But I'm getting older, and explanations for problems in my life that might have worked when I was going through adolescence or just starting life on my own, don't hold water anymore. So I've been considering that my personal problems might have more to do with what happened to me than I thought.
First of all, what happened to me is not nearly as horrific as some of the stories I have read on this site. Indeed, it might not even be classified as sexual abuse, were it not for the deep emotional response I get when I think back on it. And I feel all the classical symptoms of betraying my mother and belittling my experiences, and I am not even sure I want to post this. There are only 3 specific events I can think of in my childhood where my mother crossed the line in my opinion. But the latent energy and consequences of those events ran as a background through my life until I left home. The three events are these: at 7 years old I was lying in bed with my mother in an afternoon and somehow the topic of her breasts came up and how as a baby I had suckled them. And I, as a highly emotionally-tuned child, sensed that she wanted me to ask if I could suckle them now. (This may sound as if I am projecting my own desires onto my mother, but it is very possible to sense what your mother wants when you are a child). So I suckled them. The second event was around a year later when my brother and I were asking her about girls and kissing. We asked what french kissing was and she offered to show us. So I frenched kissed my mom. The third event was when I was 11 or 12. My mother came home from a party with my dad, and I think she had drunk some wine. As usual, she came into my room to kiss me good night, except this time she went further and was really fondling me all over and almost moaning while she did it. Her hand reached my penis and I was in a semi-awake state and didn't realize it was erect and she touched it, and at that moment asked in surprise "Is that because of me?!" and I made some incoherent complaint so signify that I was still asleep and she left in a state of fluster.
All in all, it's not much, but the subject of sex was always met with a confusing tension and excitement by my mother. In hindsight I really beleive she wanted to go much further but to her credit she restrained herself. Notwithstanding, the fact that she wanted to go further was something I could sense throughout my childhood and I beleive it has affected me almost as much as if it really had gone further. I also came to fill the role of my father to some extent at a very early age, in that I was my mother's support when she cried about her problems. I was a bright boy and I felt I was able to give her good advice and help. Of course in hindsight, it wasn't the advice she was after, but the emotional reward. I beleive I was the main vicitim of her abuse, although I have an older brother and a younger sister. This correlates with my role as the problem solver and smart one in the family. I have been in therapy before and never thought to mention any of this, but in that therapy we figured I had a complex of the Gifted Child in that I was emotionally very aware of things around me, and was smart, and so was preyed on and misused to a certain extent by my parents and peers. Without sounding like an eternally complaining type, which I am not, I think these experiences have formed me.
My problems today are that in general I problems with intimacy with women. I have never had a proper girlfriend, but have had several sex partners and many one-night stands. I sometimes become impotent which I think means that I have some deep fear of sex . I can also react visciously to the woman sharing my bed and feel disgusted and almost hate her.
I really dont' know what else to say or what I hope to get out of this all, but I hope that just posting this will serve to make this issue more real for me and make me adress it somehow. I dont' have the money for therapy at the moment, but I would perhaps read some books about the subject if anyone can suggest some.
Thanks.
First of all, what happened to me is not nearly as horrific as some of the stories I have read on this site. Indeed, it might not even be classified as sexual abuse, were it not for the deep emotional response I get when I think back on it. And I feel all the classical symptoms of betraying my mother and belittling my experiences, and I am not even sure I want to post this. There are only 3 specific events I can think of in my childhood where my mother crossed the line in my opinion. But the latent energy and consequences of those events ran as a background through my life until I left home. The three events are these: at 7 years old I was lying in bed with my mother in an afternoon and somehow the topic of her breasts came up and how as a baby I had suckled them. And I, as a highly emotionally-tuned child, sensed that she wanted me to ask if I could suckle them now. (This may sound as if I am projecting my own desires onto my mother, but it is very possible to sense what your mother wants when you are a child). So I suckled them. The second event was around a year later when my brother and I were asking her about girls and kissing. We asked what french kissing was and she offered to show us. So I frenched kissed my mom. The third event was when I was 11 or 12. My mother came home from a party with my dad, and I think she had drunk some wine. As usual, she came into my room to kiss me good night, except this time she went further and was really fondling me all over and almost moaning while she did it. Her hand reached my penis and I was in a semi-awake state and didn't realize it was erect and she touched it, and at that moment asked in surprise "Is that because of me?!" and I made some incoherent complaint so signify that I was still asleep and she left in a state of fluster.
All in all, it's not much, but the subject of sex was always met with a confusing tension and excitement by my mother. In hindsight I really beleive she wanted to go much further but to her credit she restrained herself. Notwithstanding, the fact that she wanted to go further was something I could sense throughout my childhood and I beleive it has affected me almost as much as if it really had gone further. I also came to fill the role of my father to some extent at a very early age, in that I was my mother's support when she cried about her problems. I was a bright boy and I felt I was able to give her good advice and help. Of course in hindsight, it wasn't the advice she was after, but the emotional reward. I beleive I was the main vicitim of her abuse, although I have an older brother and a younger sister. This correlates with my role as the problem solver and smart one in the family. I have been in therapy before and never thought to mention any of this, but in that therapy we figured I had a complex of the Gifted Child in that I was emotionally very aware of things around me, and was smart, and so was preyed on and misused to a certain extent by my parents and peers. Without sounding like an eternally complaining type, which I am not, I think these experiences have formed me.
My problems today are that in general I problems with intimacy with women. I have never had a proper girlfriend, but have had several sex partners and many one-night stands. I sometimes become impotent which I think means that I have some deep fear of sex . I can also react visciously to the woman sharing my bed and feel disgusted and almost hate her.
I really dont' know what else to say or what I hope to get out of this all, but I hope that just posting this will serve to make this issue more real for me and make me adress it somehow. I dont' have the money for therapy at the moment, but I would perhaps read some books about the subject if anyone can suggest some.
Thanks.