My mother is trying to "out" me as an SA survivor

My mother is trying to "out" me as an SA survivor
E

EGL

Registrant
My mother called my wife today and started asking questions about why I seem different lately (as in the last couple of months, when I finally started to deal with all this sexual and physical abuse from my childhood). :eek: :eek: :eek:

My wife (thank goodness) was evasive, but she did finally tell my mother that my brother (the SA abuser, of which my mother does not know) did some bad things to me in my lifetime that she does not know about (my mother does know that he slept with my first wife). My wife never did go into any details about anything though, but my mother pressed her pretty hard for it.

My nerves are shot to hell right now. I feel like this is all spiraling out of control now. :( Just like the abuse, I have no control.
 
Eddie,

I don't have any experience in this area, but I do have a couple of things to say.

As I see it, you and your wife have two choices. Either tell your mother what happened or tell her as respectfully as you can, that this is something you are working on, without details.

If she persists, say it flatly, "Mom, I know you care. But this is my life. I need to deal with this on my own terms. When the time is right, I will talk with you about it. For now, I must insist you respect my privacy"

That's my advice. What I would do if I were in your situation.

Others may have dealt with the same situation, so I hope they answer you.

Marc
 
You can have control. I like Marc's idea of laying down some assertive boundaries. That may be initially difficult or unfamiliar since you had your boudaries transgressed so harshly in the past.

Concluding from some of your other posts, she may not have been there for you in some ways, while you were being mistreated by other family members. So it occured to me that whenever you do talk to her about those others, the issue of "Where were you, Mom?" may arise.

Meanwhile, you've every right to disclose or not disclose at your discretion. And keep breathing...

Howard
 
You are aware that there are dangers in letting your mom in on your "secret." If at some point you come to feel that there can be some real good for YOU by talking with her about it, do so. 'Till then, it is your story to tell, to whom and as you choose. She couldn't do anything for you then, it's none of her business now.

Aden
 
I agree that now is the time to set boundaries and hold your ground on them.

You need to feel that you are in a safe place. It sounds like you have that with your wife but it is threatened by your mother's questioning intrusion.

Hold your ground. It sounds like your wife is supportive and that will help a lot.

You don't have to tell anybody anything until you feel entirely safe doing so. You don't have to tell anyone anything ever. That is your right.

You may very well tell others, however, eventually. Don't rush yourself. Take it in your time, on your schedule. That's what is important.

I am with you on this. I've been working on this stuff for quite a while but I've only just recently begun to share it with some people other than my therapist and then

I only share bits and pieces and only when I have come to know a person and feel safe with them.

I don't tell my mother anything. Fortunately, in my case, she's not demanding any information. I think she feels guilty, which is good. She should.
 
Hey there... having my SA recently outed to a mutual friend by my ex-girlfriend, I know how it feels to not have control over who knows your secret. The secret was something that I guarded so carefully and still have a tough time dealing with the fact that even people here at MS know sometimes. I have been pressed by my mother a couple of times and the biggest issue that I face in not wanting to tell her is exactly what Howard said... "Where were you, Mom?" My abuser was my stepfather and I know that she suspected the SA. Also, it is so, so, SO difficult to set boundaries with parents, even as an adult, because it is so foreign to us.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some advice or words of encouragement. All I can tell is you is I'm going through the same type of stuff and it sucks, but I have to trust that it will get easier. PM me if you need to.
 
Thanks for all the replies, guys. I feel better about this today. One thing my wife did tell me last night is that she told my mother that she might want to just hug me every now and then, that she thinks that would be good for me. My mother replied that she didn't hug my older brothers when they were growing up, and didn't me either because she didn't think I needed it. :( :eek: :confused:
 
Wow, what a shocking thread. This cuts right to the heart of why we are so secretive about this stuff. In my case, I doubt I will ever tell my mom because I know that A. I would still be furious with her for being such a shitty mother and I am not prepared for that confrontation. B. There is no way she would not go off talking to her friends about it and have it spread all over town within a week. Good for your wife for refusing to talk with her about it. Sounds like she's in your corner. Give her a hug.

And as to the hugs you never got from mom, believe me I know what that's like. Hope you do something good for yourself today.
 
I don't trust my mother either, though, I did tell her because I was so pissed off.

The best place to start is with the trust issue. "Why should I tell you mom? I don't feel safe around you."

Trusting someone at the present moment is more important than whatever issue arises from the past. If we don't feel safe with them they really don't deserve a place in our lives.

Good Luck,
Sean
 
I too agree with your call for boundaries!! NOW!! In the abuse all boundaries were crossed and control of our bodies was lost. One way to begin to take back your life is to set "solid boundaries" and maintain them. No m,atter how pushy, invasive others try to be, they can't succeed if we don't let them. Your life is YOUR LIFE!! It's yours - YOU take control back you lost to your Perp!!

Howard
 
This had to be so hard for you, and I understand why your nerves are shot, mine would be too. I am glad your wife didn't go into detail, I am glad she respected your right for your mother not to know.

I know I told my mother about it, and she had a terrible reaction, as much as called me an abuser, and wouldn't let me alone with my nephews for almost two whole months, so to be honest, I regret I told my mother. But maybe you need to, in time, consider telling her, maybe it would be prudent to eventually tell her, maybe you could get some extra support for you, but I understand if you don't feel ready for her to know.

But as some of the other guys said, you really need to keep your boundries, and if your mother can't respect that, maybe you need to sit down and have a little heart to heart telling her that you need your space, and that you need your boundries to remain intact for right now.

Good luck to you, and I hope your nerves can calm down some soon.

scott
 
When I told my mom she called me a lier, demanded to know why I would want to hurt her by saying such awful things, kicked me out of the house and didn't talk to me for three years.

That was 25 years ago and you can be assured that I have never brought the subject up again. Naturaly, I advise caution when revealing abuse to a parent. Most of us would probably like those who should have protected us to know how they failed. But we have to look after our own best interests first.

Will telling them do us more harm than good? That is a judgment call that only you can make. But my guess is that most of them alread know or suspect what happened and have their own load of guilt to deal with.

Aden
 
Eddie - I never told either of my parents, because they both passed on before I accepted it myself (and if they were still here, I don't know that I could tell them yet). *If there really is an afterlife, I think I will get the biggset bollocking ever when I do pass over (I intend to hang around for a while yet).

I know they would have both believed me, but they would have been so hurt that I hadn't said anything at the time & then kept it to myself for so long. I still can't tell my sister, because it is now 35 years since it all happened - she'd just be so ****ing mad that I had hurt myself for so long!

When I was at a particularly low point, one of my friends offered to telephone my sister (he knows her) and tell her the basics. I said 'no way...it must be when I am ready and can cope with it'. This was accepted - it is your right to have control over who knows & who doesn't!

Eddie - one final thing - your wife sounds like a beautiful woman in the way that she shows respect for you...I hope you tell her that.

Smile now! .... Rik
 
Eddie
Talk to your wife, share your feelings, doubts and fears.
Talk to her and agree between you some boundaries that need to be set between you, her, and your mother.

THEN STICK TO THEM!

Reclaim your strengths, recover on YOUR terms.

It might be that keeping your mother in the dark is the best way to go, but your support is from your wife. Never forget that, involve her. Good support is hard to find, value it and learn to trust it.

Dave
 
Thank you all so much for the additional encouragement in this. My wife has been so very supportive in all this, a beautiful person both in her understanding nature as well as physically. I've always known I married up when I found her.

I've talked to my mother on the phone twice since she called my wife the other day, and she hasn't pressed any issues with me. We only talked about 5 minutes each time, about weather, blah, blah, blah. I'm determined though that this will play out on my schedule and at my choosing.
 
EGL,

I am glad that your mother is not 'pressing' the issue. I hope that if you do have to set some boundaries with her, she will respect them. I wish you good luck.

leosha
 
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