My mother died on my birthday

My mother died on my birthday


I have some sad news to share
My mother died on Monday and we never spoke properly for 30 yrs
I lived in the passed and was very angry she was very loving at times but was angry and violent a couple of times. I was scared of her
I use to work on a milk round and she would always get me up for work
My step father never had time for me and their was times he would hit me and call me a dog
I always remember when I was about 8 and she drowned me in the bath saying I was just like my father .
This left a deep impact that would not go away.
I did try to phone her last year to try and rebuild a friendship,
But she brought up my abusers, which left me even more upset.
No one was there when I was at rock bottom trying to kill myself or homeless
I wasn't allowed near the family home as I caught my step father and my youngest sister running up stairs naked when my mother went to visit my other sister caren
I did write to my mother and told her the truth
My sisters have asked me to attend my mothers funeral.
So I'm going to pay my last respects
I did try to forgive and forget
If not, totally fine. I just feel like don't know what to say because your experience is just so different from my own.

I guess, actually, it is similar in the numbness that it imparts.

But regardless, please keep talking, if you feel like it.
Why have I always lived in the passed
It's like a curse
Am I mentally retarded
It's like a nightmare I can't get out of
Im so sorry. I think getting stuck in the past is something we all do. Numbness to. It a way to protect our selfs
I am so sorry. No you are not mentally retarded, you are deeply wounded. You tried to reconcile, and reached out, that is all you could do. One can forgive, but forgetting is a whole different story. I am not sure if one can forget or if they should. We all are here for you, feel free to vent or reach out. Again, I am sorry. Please take good care.
I'm sorry @stutter that your mother has died.

My mother was buried on my 50th birthday and died 3 days earlier. I hadn't really spoken to her in many years, an hadn't really spoken to her in decades. I arrived at her hospice before she died but she was already mentally gone. Her funeral, 12 years ago, was the last time I saw any of my siblings. What can I say? Chapter closed.

@stutter As you obviously know this is going to be painful and disorienting, but difficult events like this can also be an opportunity to see what has been buried, find some peace and change.

Be kind to yourself in the days to come. Try to be mindful of what you're feeling without beating yourself up for it. It ok to have complex feelings. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to feel relieved. Please try not to call yourself names like "retarded" or cursed in your head. You're just a man going through a lot of pain now whose already gone through a lot, some of it at her hands. It's normal and healthy to feel all fucked up right now.
I did not speak to my mother before she died ether, she died a few years ago now, I decides that whilst I loved my mother, because she was my mother, at the same time our relationship was toxic for me and I needed to step away. I felt no ill will towards my mother, she was the product of her life as much as I am of mine, but I knew any relationship with her would result in emotional distress for me, and nothing was ever going to change that, she was who she was.

From what you say, Stepping away was, as it was for me, an act of self kindness, an act of self preservation and that is never bad or something to under value not for people like us. There is no shame in respecting our own values and maintaining healthy boundaries. And that is what you were doing wasn’t it?

Remember grief is normal, our grief is complicated by our relationships with our mothers, but we can allow ourselves to grieve their passing, our loss, the loss of the our mother, the loss of the ability to have a normal relationship with them, the loss of the potential for healing your relationship. But we can also find comfort in their passing, as they are now free of their pain and you are a survivor and can now build a life where you are truly free of them hurting you emotionally or physically any more. The pain the created and are responsible for is now wholly in the past. The pain you feel now is of your creation. Give yourself the compassion you so richly deserve, after all you are doing your very best.

In your grief my friend try to remember the good times, forgive, or let go of, the bad ones, and let your grief pass through you like the water in a river, do not try to hold on to it, just accept it is there, it need to flow through you for now, and it in as normal as the rain.
Why have I always lived in the passed
It's like a curse
Am I mentally retarded
It's like a nightmare I can't get out of
You have not lived in the past. You experienced trauma that no one ever tried to help you heal and work through. Part of your healing was creating space for yourself away from hurtful, abusive people like your mom. You, like me, have tried to reach out and re-establish relationship only to have it thrown back at you. Still controlling you. Still trying to keep you in your place. And it was not our place to try and heal a broken relationship that they broke. Badly. They broke… us. It’s the kids in us who still want and need that parent. And it will be all of you that grieves this loss, regardless her actions or how you felt about her abusive behavior.

I am sorry for your loss, but I hope this also brings a freedom to you that you haven’t had while she walked this earth.