My mom's coming this weekend...

My mom's coming this weekend...
M

Mystic Rhythm

Registrant
Hey guys.

As the subject entails, my mom and my aunt are coming this Labour Day weekend and I really don't want them to. But if I say a word to the contrary, I know I'll never hear the end of it. As some of you may know about my "sugar-coated" version of my family's "opinions", my mom and her sister are of the strongly-opinionated. Seriously, I'm nowhere near ready to listen to her "I love you"s and constant need to hug her. What pisses me off is that my brother invited her and our aunt without ever discussing it with me (we live together). And that makes me feel like my opinion on the matter, and many other matters, aren't important and simply disregarded without ever listening to me.

Fuck I really don't want her to come here. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not ready for this.

Thoughts? Advice?

MR
 
I know how you feel. Just the thought of seeing my parents brought on great anxiety. I'm past that now and have learned to accept them as normal people who had problems themselves, unfortunately, those problems greatly affected my life in a negative way.

You have to decide if putting yourself through this is worth it and if it is worth it, why and for whom. Is it possible for you to vacate the place for the weekend? Maybe go camping or something? I think it's important to understand and believe that you are what matters most now. Your healing and recovery are of the utmost importance because those things could probably lead to your finding some resolve with your family. Is it necessary that you go through a difficult weekend? Or will that set you back too much?

I suppose the alternative is to ride it out, knowing it will be over in a couple of days while keeping in mind why you are doing what you're doing.

As for your brother, maybe you could calmly ask him to consult you next time he wants to have guests, it's just common courtesy.

Whatever ends up happening, I wish you the best. - John
 
Thanks John.

I guess I failed to truly express the reasons why I don't want her around.

First reason is that I'm on contract with zero benefits, including vacation days. So long weekends like these help me relax and take it easy, ya know?

Second reason, and the most relevant, is that growing up with her and my bro meant I was the eldest and therefore, through some sick twisted logic, the person to blame whenever anything went wrong. And I mean anything. Whether I, my brother, or life in general did anything wrong to her, I was blamed. Never hit like my father would hit me, but simply blamed. I must have had very large shoulders or something but I bore the weight of it all since I was born. Hell, being born was also to blame for my parents downfall in their relationship. I often wish she had given birth to someone else instead of me. I never asked for all this shit.

But I digress. My brother and I hated each other while living with her. Whenever he did anything wrong, or yelled out loud, even in excitement, I got blamed for it. No matter what. I could even be in the next room watching TV and still get blamed. Even out of the house or at school, still me.

It finally stopped being solely me when he got his drivers license. I don't drive, so there was simply no way for her to blame me if he like forgot to gas up the car or stuff like that. That's when my bro finally realized the shit I went through and started to take more responsibility for other stuff that I normally would get blamed for. My relationship with my brother finally became a loving one once we got out of Quebec City and moved to Gatineau (Ottawa). And since then, my mom always "misses" her sons and "loves us" and always constantly wants to be held and hugged. Like I said before, she like her sister are strongly-opinionated, and if I were to spend more time away this weekend than with them, I'd never hear the end of it.

So I'm damned if I stay at home and I'm damned if I get out of the house for the whole weekend. It's a twisted damned trap.

*sigh* This is some sort of twisted psychological abuse that I allow myself to experience, isn't it?
MR
 
*sigh* This is some sort of twisted psychological abuse that I allow myself to experience, isn't it?
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I think that's the point. You do have control over whether or not you'll be there. You'll never hear the end of it...I know how that feels. But so what? As an adult, one who is coming into his own, you have the right to say what is right for you. I know that sounds so simplistic, so easy to do. And I realize it's not so easy to do, at 43 I've only recently found my independence from what I thought were my parents' expectations.

My brother is 3 years younger than I am. My situation was very similar to yours growing up. He was the Golden Boy. I was the scapegoat for the whole family, we have two sisters too, one older, one younger. None of them ever got treated the way I did. None of them ever got beaten the way I did. And my parents couldn't figure out why I acted up??!! Then, of course, came the sexual abuse outside of the home, but that's another story....

So I think I have a good feel for where you're at. Eventually, you'll have to take a stand for yourself and your well-being, because you deserve it. It won't be easy, but your mother and your aunt and even your brother will just have to accept that you are growing and changing and that it's not ALL ABOUT THEM...It's about YOU!!!

Sorry if I'm being preachy, I just want to see everyone be able to stand on their own two feet and not give in to the things that damaged them in the first place, like domineering mothers and aunts!! :D
 
Thanks for your insight and advice John.

I guess I needed a good preaching-to. ;)

*great big deep breath*

Looks like I know what I have to do. Whether I do it or not, well ... to be concluded on Tuesday.

Man this is a toughie.
 
Let me know how it works out or if I can be someone to lean on as it plays out.

Man this is a toughie.
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So are you, look how far you've come, carrying this burden alone until recently. Now look how far you're about to go...I recall someone recently posting in a Call to Arms that foresaw great strides. Great strides start with big steps! Good luck! - John
 
Ive been through a very similar journey with distancing myself from family.

I know its hard to get to that point, and perhaps like me you may have feelings of guilt about even wanting this distance and disassociation, but as has been said, you are an individual and you have the right to make your own decisions.

I needed to distance myself from my own dysfunctional family. For me it was the annual Christmas lunch, where nobody would have seen each other since the same time last year but ALL the extended family were required to be there. This actually included my perp. You can imagine how much fun that was (NOT).

I got to the realisation that I was the only grand child attending now and why should I have to give in to this pressure that nobody else was? So I made the decision to avoid it from now on. Maybe I took a weak way out, but I would deliberately plan that was a trip away at the exact same time. I did it every year for 3-4 years and I made sure I was at least 3 hours drive away so that there could be no pressure for me to pop in quickly for the event.

I now longer escape to the country, but I stick around at my own home and the family have gotten the idea that I dont want to do the whole annual thing any more.

Even in visiting my closer family that is still very hard and disturbing to me again due to how my parents interact with each other. For my own health and welfare I only see them a few times per year and I really have to build up my mental strength before I see them, and then I still have to recover somewhat after Ive visited. Thats just my take, my experience. All the best with whatever you decide is best with you.
 
I guess the hardest part is how my mom will feel about it should I tell her not to contact me anymore. She's not a bad person. She survived the best she could with me and my brother to provide for after the divorce. Having to hold two jobs all the time and apply for rent control just to make ends meet took a toll on her. I understand these things that she did NOW, but not then when I was a kid.

I dunno. Maybe I'm judging her too harshly. I do know I want my space and I do know I don't want to hurt her feelings, especially seeing as she's far happier now ever since her operation 3 or 4 years ago. Catch 22 I suppose.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!

Think I'll just wing it and see what comes of it. Thanks for the support guys.

MR
 
She's not a bad person. She survived the best she could with me and my brother to provide for after the divorce.
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That's a big hurdle for you to be making it over, I know it was for me. To realize that our parents, whom we tend to put on pedestals, regardless of the way they behaved, are human and have their problems and limitations is a big step. Made me feel like more of a grown-up when I came to this conclusion...and, as an extra benefit, came a sort of forgiveness for my parents.

I hope your weekend is surprisingly pleasant. Who knows where it might go?? Good luck - John
 
Sorry, maybe I should have added similar sentiments on my first response. I also see (and believe) that my parents did the best they could. I don't believe they set out to make my childhood miserable; I'm sure it wasn't their goal.

With my adult understanding, I now realise that and for me, if I was to come straight out with why I find my times with them difficult, they too could be offended, hurt, felt attacked and quite possibly just wouldn't get it.

Maybe that's why I subtlely just drove 3 hours away each year until they got the message. That was how I 'conveyed' my distancing requirements.

Again, not a perfect answer for you MR, but I'm sure you will deal with it in a way that you are comfortable with.
 
Well my mom and her sister finally came in the evening yesterday. Naturally, she wanted hugs and to be held. I did my best to hug her back, but I could truly feel that whole invasion-of-personal-space thing that others here have expressed. Weird sensation.

And it wasn't even an hour before I started getting criticized. I had a pretty hard day at work and just needed to unwind, to relax, and I do so by playing on my PS2. I saw their point of view that they were here and wanted to spend time with me and my bro, but damnit I just wasn't ready and unwound for them. It took everything I had not to snap at them. Just basically shut up at dinner and let my brother talk. His girlfriend finally came and she's a veritable chatter-box around other women. Thankfully, that got me off the hook.

And fortunately, tonight I got a Dungeons and Dragons miniatures game with some friends till the wee hours of the morning. That'll definitely help relieve some stress. But of course I got more shit from them when I told them last night. Man I must have reservoirs of patience that I never knew existed because I just shut up and took it and ignored them.

I'll be damned if my brother sticks me with them this whole weekend. He invited them, he can deal with them.

Damnit this was supposed to be MY weekend!! I know I'm selfish, but damnit damnit damnit!!!

Sorry for ranting...
MR
 
Thanks for the update. It's okay to rant, that might help you get through the rest of it and it's not selfish to want some time for yourself....You'll be okay.
 
I agree with Sinking on the point that you mother is a human being with her problems unknown to you. No matter how you feel about her, you are no more the 'worst part of the family,' and your mother can be weak because she said this to you earlier. I understand how you may treat her, and sorry she was behaving in such a way. Maybe you could just accept her for what she is, with her manners, and patterns of thought.

I wish you to go through this.
 
Mystic,

I have very ambivalent feelings of my mother, to be pleasant about it. You deserve your 'freedom', that is certain. And yes, if your brother invited them, then he can be the one to spend most of the wekeend being the entertainment director! Just do what is best for you, and try to have some peace this weekend.It is not selfish to wish for that.

Leosha
 
MR,

I remember many years ago on a visit to my parents (not long after I got married) and my mother started getting stuck into my new wife (she wasnt there).She started running her down etc. etc and I (honourably but sternly I trust) told her that I would not tolerate her saying bad things about my wife.

I explained how I understood that nobody was perfect and that I wasnt living in fantasy land but that she was my wife and I wouldnt allow anybody else to speak of her like that. I acknowledged that she was entitled to have her own opinions and discuss them with my father if she wished to but I didnt want to hear them and would not tolerate that in the future. I reinforced that it achieved nothing positive and did not help anybody.

They both got the message, and I only had to say it once but I was prepared for a replay talk if needed.

I think your circumstances are similar if Ive understood you correctly, so you may like to try this approach. Of course youll be expressing how her negative attacks on you also affect you and dont help. No guarantees it will work but I think its worth a try in setting some mutual adult boundaries.
 
Try and get out someplace, so they are not in your face. Do not allow them into your space,

ste
 
Well, weekend's over and I survived. :)

Guess that's the point really.

Overall, it wasn't too bad. My brother had his girlfriend and their friends over on a semi-regular basis which occupied my mom and aunt extensively. My mom wasn't too needy this time around and I had my space. Never even had to tell her anything. She easily understood that seeing as I'm on contract with no vacation days or time off, these long weekends were a bonus for me and I got to relax for the most part. My aunt though didn't understand very well and I tolerated her few criticisms. I just kept quiet and that was it, weekend over.

Anyways, 4 day week this week so it's all good. Thanks for the support everyone, I truly appreciate it coming back from the weekend and seeing so many of you offering advice. If I can be there for anyone, lemme know.

MR
 
Glad you made it through without too much difficulty. Seems that the anticipation is often worse than the reality....Peace - John
 
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