My messed up sexuality *"POSSIBLE-TRIGGER"

abc12345678ia

New Registrant
* "trigger-warning"

I had signed up about a year ago but things got me too triggered. So today saw an email for this site in my junk mail, WHEN i RANDOMLY looked through it, so I looked back and looked around a little.

And this thread had me thinking I agree I am like a moth to flame, By seeking out sex by my first type of sex. So sex with men being the bottom when Im down depressed and the feeling disgusted by it all afterwards. When this comes over me just like previous drug alcohol addiction im powerless to stop. Only started acting out 2-3 years ago. (triggered through watching mmf bisex porn that my wife wanted to see) So she liked watching it -- told her what happened-- like pulling teeth but felt better afterwards Tried keeping it in check with all my willpower some only 5-6 times acting out. I am very religious and feel intense guilt over wanting this kind of sex. But feel I cannot stop it.

I have a very good wife been with me for 29 years (she knows I have sex with men) she loves me enough to help me work through this 4 kids and if saw me in person would never guess probably my bisexual side. With women about all things their smile body ect and no guilt. And with men just pure sex and extreme guilt when done.

Mine started at 5 by male family member. remember being sodomized and the intense pain and screaming I was doing and the white stuff too at 5 no idea what that was. started masturbating after this. This went on from 5-11 by men and 1 woman. I grew up quick and had a loud mouth so they quit. Remember being in fear from one of them who had a shotgun and a can of red pop and he shot the can all of the pop ran out the holes from shotgun. He said if I told my mother grand parents anyone he would kill them just like the pop can. POS SOB (I'm sorry this just came out as I'm writing) No wonder Im depressed trying to keep this all in.

thanks for letting me share.
 

abc12345678ia

New Registrant
Thanks F.A. I am most blessed with a loving wife who isn't freeked out heading for divorce court after sharing with her. heard so many guys tell me it didnt turn out well for them.
 
Sorry for what brings you here abc but glad you are here. I would suggest you get a Therapist (T) experiences in Trauma. I am a whole lot better four years later and this community is a huge part of that but your wife, this site and a trauma T can put together the strongest three legged stool to support recovery.

The main page - malesurvivor.com under survivor helps has great suggestions I used to finally get where I got quality help from a T.

Welcome and sorry for what brings you here
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
ABC

Welcome and sorry you had to find your way here. You will find MS to be welcoming and nonjudgmental. We have lived and understand your pain. We all react differently to similar events. You appear to have a strong support system with a strong and supportive wife. Your issues effect many survivors. I do hope with the help of a T you will be able to understand your acting out. You said you end with guilt, you should be able to unravel the cause of why you act out and why you feel guilt.

Thank you for sharing.

Kevin
 
Welcome. Happy to hear you have support from you wife for your healing journey. I'll second what our "greeter" has to suggest. For healing to happen we will benefit not only from loving support and a community like this, but the support of a therapist skilled in working with trauma. Healing is something more than finding safety in this or that situation. Yes, we want to feel safe. Like most of us that has probably been what has driven you most of your life... looking for people and places where you'll feel safe. But it is possible to heal these early wounds and for that the support of a therapist can be invaluable. I wish you well on your journey and like everyone here, I'll gladly offer my support as you take this life affirming journey of healing.
 
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