My memory is fuzzy. (Possible Trigger)


New Registrant
Hello, and thank you for clicking my post, I hope I'm not breaking any of the forum guidelines by posting this here as I'm new to these forums (I checked the youtube tutorial for the forum so I think this is the right place). I also apologize if the post seems a bit confusing as I need to get everything together and also because English isn't my first language.
My post maybe can trigger you as I'll be talking about rape and suicide (don't worry about my safety I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore)

I'm currently 19, and I'm scared I might have been raped by my alcoholic dad when I was younger. This fear came to me after a very odd memory came back to me.

So after my second suicide attempt, I was playing a game called "Death Stranding" in which the character you play has a phobia called "aphenphosmphobia" which is the fear of being touched, but since I never had heard this word before in my life I looked it up and read the Wikipedia page on it, and it says "that many who have been the victims of sexual abuse have a fear of being touched".
After reading this I thought to myself, "well I never was really fond of touch, kinda like my skin was a raincoat and touch was water, just not affecting me", but the next morning a memory came back to me and it shook me:
It was a younger me, at my dad's house (my parents were divorced) looking myself in the mirror having a primal fear in my guts, like the one you have when you are fearing for your life seeing an agressive animal, but I was in a state where I was telling myself on loop "I'm going to get raped, if I was a girl, I'm 100% going to get raped" and I was looking myself in the mirror these thought looping in my head, terrified.
And that's all I can remember, and since then, touch has become unbearable for me, also I have some weird pain in my "bottom" region, it's not hemorrhoids as far as I know and this pain only comes up when I see talks of rape (like on the news) or when I think of my dad or hear people talking about their dad.
Since then a lot of memories have come back up, like the fact I used to sleep in the same bed as my dad from 2008 to around 2012 (it started with a night when I was afraid of fireworks outside), that I had to insist that I didn't want my dad to enter the bathroom when I was taking a shower, that he once told me while locking my arms, that he was doing a "full nelson" on me (I only realized a few months ago that it was not a wrestling move but a sexual position), and some more weird stuff.
Right now only my mom and therapist are aware of this, and my mom also told me that I started biting my nails and fingertips when I came back from a vacation with my dad.
Just so you know I completely cut ties with my dad 1 year ago so I have no news of him.

Thanks for reading my post, again I hope I'm not breaking any rules by posting it here, and I hope I didn't trigger anyone with it.
Have a wonderful day/night!
No worries, you didn't break any rules. I am so very sorry about all that happened to you. When you read through the posts by other members you'll find that many of us have that same uncanny feeling and fuzzy memory you have.
It's good you have a therapist. And, although the reason you are here is not a happy one, I am glad you found us. Welcome!
Welcome @AnomalousGold... As Darren says your reason for being here is hardly something any of us would celebrate, but knowing this website exists is a profound relief. Yes, memories come in fragments and confusion is at the heart of this journey. Many of us remembered nothing until decades after the events in question. That was the case for me and even when the memories came they were body sensations, flashes of images, textures, isolated words. We learn to trust the unfolding process. You've come to a fine place to unpack these memories since everyone here has first hand experience with trauma. What you choose to share will be received without judgment. You're not alone with any of it. I'm glad you found us and introduced yourself exactly as you have. All the best on your healing journey young man.
Hi AnomalousGold

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what brings you here, glad you had the courage to post your introduction. This is one of the places to post. You are not alone in this. I have had a no touch thing for as long as I can remember unless drunk or high on drugs, I don't allow anyone but my doctor or if needed some other medical persons. The last one I allowed to hug me was my Mom. I am 66 so I have a lot of practice at it now. When I was married we never had much of a sex life unless I was drunk because of touch.

Triggering pain like that is all about what happened to you and maybe you don't remember it but your body does. There is a book on it that many here talk about "The Body keeps score". When I get colonoscopy reports the first thing always mentioned is evidence of blunt force trauma. I would get that report and read that and get trigger into panic and alway the pain inside my butt. If I would read the book I would probably figure out more about it.

Memory is something I struggle with a lot short term memory and large blocks of time the I have no memory of. I never know if I louse time/memory unless I have evidence. I also have TBI's so that can complicate things even more.

Welcome to the group lots of good guys here to share with that know what you are talking about, as we have all been abuse in our pasts. Our stories are different but it seems the out come for most of us is similar.

The Bluefoot

Welcome AnomailousGold,

I never had the word aphenphosmphobia , I was always told I had tactile defenses which means someone who does not want to be touched. And in a Jewish home that's very hard to do. So I became a loner and stayed in my room a lot. Its a good way not to have many friends and learn to be with older adults. Thou not sure that s a good thing in the long run of life. I sorry what has happened to you in life that you need a group like this but happy you have found us. Many of us have burred our feelings for 20 to 50 years before we try to get up and try to heal the pain. When reading our stories, talking with us and getting to know us you find we have are all the same in many different ways. Most of us have been abused at an early age 5 to 12 on average. for the first time. and many have been abused more then once. Many by family members, almost all of us have been to hell and back a few times. and some of us still live in hell and try very hard to crawl out of our hell today. But we are all there for each other.

I happy you live with your mom, you have a Therapist (T) and you now share with us. Please continue to share with us, read our stories. I promise you thou its painful this step is in the right direction of good healing in your life. Welcome.


New Registrant
Thank you all for the warm welcome ! Really warms my heart knowing I won't be alone in this (I know I already have my T and mom with me) but having more people by my side is oh so more comforting, even tho it's a sad thing we went through such a horrible, hellish and inhumane experience.
I'm really grateful I found this place.
Have a wonderful day/night!
Welcome my friend. You certainly have cause for concern, from what I read. I was raped by my scoutmaster and others when I was 12-13. I didn't become aware of it until I was in my 50's. Even then, it took another 8 years to really believe myself. Good luck and God bless.
Welcome. I too have never heard the word aphenphosmphobia but I totally get it. I can handle touching as long as there is no intimacy attached to it. I know a lot of people who like to hug and I really try to avoid it.