My man of 2 years confided - now what?
Hi, folks, from a newbie. This is a fantastic site - I've been browsing the "Family & Friends" board all night and have found so much caring and giving.
Here's my issue in brief: I'm a teacher. A few weeks ago, a student came to me and told me his SA story. I was a bit overwhelmed with all of it, and to decompress, I told my boyfriend of 2 years. We were talking on the phone at the time. He proceeded to tell me about the SA that happened to him, I'm calculating somewhere between the ages of 4 and 8.
Needless to say, I was floundering for the second time that day. Felt the floor move under my feet as I stood up to pace and talk to him at the same time. We talked a bit about some things that trigger him, we talked briefly about the effects he sees in his personality, and then we turned the subject and he eventually had to go.
Later that day, I thought, Y'know, I'm gonna go see him and love on him a little. For some reason, my response to his confiding was a physical one -- not that I'm a homophobe or have any issues with men's masculinity thataway myself, but I wanted to let him know that what had happened to him as a child didn't impinge on my view of him as a man, if you get my drift. He was very happy that I snuck into his workplace and we ducked around a corner and kissed for a little bit.
And that was that. Neither of us has said a word about it since.
Two days later, I was sitting at lunch with a friend and got some "empathic" imagery -- I'm a very empathic person, probably to the point of needing to seek professional help for it
Sometimes I can literally see the world through someone else's eyes, and for a few long moments during that lunch, I saw the world through his when he was between the ages of 4 and 8.
I've not mentioned that episode to him because he's going through some other problems right now, and I just don't want to make him feel like he gave me a bad few minutes. I don't even know why I just told you folks about that.
But now what? This is a largely unresolved issue for my sweetie, and one that will probably stay unresolved because I don't see him going into therapy. He just is not like that. "Resistant" is the word, I think, and it's an understatement. But what should I say/do if this topic ever comes up again? My instincts so far seem to have been right as far as he's concerned, but now I'm worried that I'll flub up later because I know this subject is going to come up later -- sometimes he sees his perp, and now that he confided in me about the SA, he's going to confide in me when he sees that son of a bitch. Next time he feels like bringing up the past, how do I not overreact, lose my temper over the son of a bitch (when I lose my temper, my baby always ducks like it's directed at him -- cannot bear confrontation or anger), and generally misbehave? What are constructive things for me to say/do? Any ideas?
Thanks for any and all advice,
redhart.
Here's my issue in brief: I'm a teacher. A few weeks ago, a student came to me and told me his SA story. I was a bit overwhelmed with all of it, and to decompress, I told my boyfriend of 2 years. We were talking on the phone at the time. He proceeded to tell me about the SA that happened to him, I'm calculating somewhere between the ages of 4 and 8.
Needless to say, I was floundering for the second time that day. Felt the floor move under my feet as I stood up to pace and talk to him at the same time. We talked a bit about some things that trigger him, we talked briefly about the effects he sees in his personality, and then we turned the subject and he eventually had to go.
Later that day, I thought, Y'know, I'm gonna go see him and love on him a little. For some reason, my response to his confiding was a physical one -- not that I'm a homophobe or have any issues with men's masculinity thataway myself, but I wanted to let him know that what had happened to him as a child didn't impinge on my view of him as a man, if you get my drift. He was very happy that I snuck into his workplace and we ducked around a corner and kissed for a little bit.
And that was that. Neither of us has said a word about it since.
Two days later, I was sitting at lunch with a friend and got some "empathic" imagery -- I'm a very empathic person, probably to the point of needing to seek professional help for it
Sometimes I can literally see the world through someone else's eyes, and for a few long moments during that lunch, I saw the world through his when he was between the ages of 4 and 8.I've not mentioned that episode to him because he's going through some other problems right now, and I just don't want to make him feel like he gave me a bad few minutes. I don't even know why I just told you folks about that.
But now what? This is a largely unresolved issue for my sweetie, and one that will probably stay unresolved because I don't see him going into therapy. He just is not like that. "Resistant" is the word, I think, and it's an understatement. But what should I say/do if this topic ever comes up again? My instincts so far seem to have been right as far as he's concerned, but now I'm worried that I'll flub up later because I know this subject is going to come up later -- sometimes he sees his perp, and now that he confided in me about the SA, he's going to confide in me when he sees that son of a bitch. Next time he feels like bringing up the past, how do I not overreact, lose my temper over the son of a bitch (when I lose my temper, my baby always ducks like it's directed at him -- cannot bear confrontation or anger), and generally misbehave? What are constructive things for me to say/do? Any ideas?
Thanks for any and all advice,
redhart.
) is tell me what to do or think, instead she discusses things with me when she thinks I might not be on the right track, and supports me when I then make my choice. She adds to the process of me making my choices.