My life story

My life story
R

Richard1966

Registrant
Hello all. I have just started my journey and things are very raw at the moment. I have lived with this for 50+ years, self doubting and out of control. However, life has taken a very bad downward turn and so have had to start to confront my demons.

My very early life is full of happy memories - walking down the street on my way to nursery - holly trees stick out in this memory. I spent years trying to retrace this route, only to find it was probably in a town we had left when I was 4!

But at 4, things went wrong. I was sexually abused (I can name it as that now as I have been doing a great deal of reading around the subject) by my mother. My father was never around and I was brought up in a feminist household. I had nowhere to turn to find help. I wouldn't realise this was wrong until my twenties anyway. When I was 7, my brother had an accident and died - leaving me alone in a female world. Females had complete control of my life and I was sexually, verbally and physically abused for a long time - right up into the early teens. My T has said that it became my normal and I even asked my mother to perform some of this as a 14 year old! It makes me feel disgusted with myself having asked for it to happen.

But around puberty, the sexual abuse stopped and my self abuse started. I would do what she had done to myself as a self stimulus. It wasn't masturbation to begin with, but it soon turned into that and doing it at least twice a day became the norm. Right up till I was able to leave home at 24 to go to university.

At this point, I was able to discover what a man was supposed to be. I was a very mixed up person who had never been near a girl because of the fear instilled in me from my mother. But I thought I had found myself and moved on during the university years; in reality, all I had done was bury it deeply. In my final year at uni (a four year course), I confronted my mother about the abuse I had suffered. I don't know what I expected but what I got was adamant refusal to call it abuse and that if I pursued these fantasies she wanted nothing more to do with me. She would cut me out of her life completely. I wish I had had the strength to call her bluff and inform the authorities. But I didn't. The subject was shut away and life continued. I married and adopted 2 children. My marriage lasted 6 months and then she left me with the children. I struggled on with a very demanding job, 2 demanding children and a house to look after.

Then I met my second wife who has stood by me solidly since. We have been together for 14 years and now I have pushed her and my children away. It is only in the last 2 months that I disclosed these thought and feelings towards her. I have treated her so badly. I have no trust in anyone else. I was even proud of that. "I have got everything in my life on my own," I would brag! So I am living away and I have started counselling - something that was discouraged when I was younger - "We don't hang our dirty laundry out to dry".

I hope one day to get my family back again but I want to break the cycle - they are better off away from me at the moment.

It is through my reading that I have discovered just how much damage my early childhood experiences have been stagnating inside of me.

Thanks for reading this.
 
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WELCOME rICnARD 1966,

I certainly had different experiences. I was molested by my older brother first when I was 10..It was a friend of my mother
who orally and analy raped me . from 13 to14. My mother felt guilty so it could not be discussed. My father was a man
who raged often. So I did not deal with any thing until I was 37 and my whole world collapsed on me. I started therapy,
for 6 months.

I increased my liquor consumption to 1/5 a day or more. Came out of a blackout, planning my suicide. I went back to therapy,
.Joined AA and stopped drinking./

Anyway our stories are different but the trauma is the same.

Hope you find us helpful on your journey. May the peace of the Lord comfort you.
 
@Richard1966 It took a lot of courage for you to write what you did. Thank you for trusting us with that. I appreciate what you wrote about the abuse being your "normal". My counselor said a fish is the last to know about water because that is its normal. That you asked for it at 14 seems reasonable. Though I understand your shame, I can also see that that shame isn't yours it is your mother's.

I too have often revisited my abuse through fantasy and porn. I believe that my abuse is what is deep and true about me and ache for the congruence of experiencing the familiarity of the abuse rather than the unfamiliarity of a healthy way of being. I am slowly embracing a new identity and a new way of being. It is hard as my old way of thinking and being is so ingrained. But I am making progress.

This is a difficult journey we are on - one none of us would have chosen. I admire your willingness to do the hard work necessary to find your truth. I wish you strength and peace on your journey.
 
@Richard1966 your story breaks my heart. It is a story most of us can tell, though details of the sexual trauma will differ. The story is really about how those experiences shattered our sense of self... those happy memories of walking down that street when you were young were replaced with confusion and terror... though you didn't recognize those feelings because you were simply living in the world created by your mother. As you found when you confronted her, she saw nothing wrong with what happened. This is the nature of trauma... we think it is normal until we finally account for the pain we carry as a result of the experiences. You see the evidence now in the broken relationships that clutter your life. I have four failed marriages I can point to as evidence of how broken I was.

But you found your way here, which is a great blessing for you and for us. You remind us how horrific this journey can be but you give us the opportunity to offer acceptance and support as you release the shame you've carried for so long. We're all doing just that... looking honestly at what happened, which typically immerses us in the shame, while seeing clearly, perhaps for the first time, that nothing that happened before, during or after the trauma was our fault. Of course, you reached out to your mother at age 14 to ask for more of what you'd been taught. Those were her desires you were acting out. They'd become so familiar that it was all you knew. You were never free to discover your own desires, your own body. You had to service her needs.

When I was 14 I was breaking into homes and stealing lingerie. I was overwhelmed by shame over that behavior. It took me decades to understand the roots of that behavior go back to the piece of silk my mother used in the crib to stimulate my genitals. The shame was hers, though I acted it out over and over again. This is what we do as trauma survivors.

You're not alone with any of this Richard. We're here to listen without judgment and to support you finding a better life for yourself... In my experience it will be grounded in self-compassion and sustained through self-care. You are WORTH caring for. Welcome. I'm glad you've joined us.
 
Hi Richard

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what brings you here. this is a good placebo share with your peers. You are by no means alone in this, and none of it was your fault.

I kept everything suppressed for many years and when my health fail me and I couldn't work anymore everything started to un ravel. That was when I first told someone (my wife) I had to much time to think and couldn't hide from it at work any more.

Good luck on your healing journey
 
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