My Life, quick version, probable trigger

My Life, quick version, probable trigger
F

FlyWM

Registrant
Well, as you know I am pretty new here, a very good friend told me about this site, and I'm glad he did. I know I haven't posted much, but I don't always know what to say. Anyway, I figured I should give a quick overview of why I am here, so maybe some of my posts do make more sense.

Well, I am 19 years old, and was physically and emotionally abused by my father. When I was 6 I started with a coach for a sport I was rather talented at, ths coach abused me in almost everyway possible for 11 years, and I never stopped him. I was r...r...raped and nearly klled by team. And just this weekend my coach um.... erm.... "re-asserted" himself with me, in fact I am sitting in hospital bed right now as I write this because of it. I had this all on "ignore," pushed deep into my mind so never had to think about it, but just the last couple of months it has come back. I need any help you can give, I am so scared of everything, I am tortured day and night by flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks. This is really frightening for me to even admit this, very very few people know anything about it. As I sit here in my hospital bed wondering what to do and how to do, I can't help but blame myself, I should have stopped coach, especially just this last time. This is just so much and so hard to deal with right now. I appreciate you all wh have read this, and I hope it did not trigger anyone.

Peace,
Fly
 
Fly, you know what I think of you, that you are one of the kindest, most generous and supportive people I ever meet. I am so incredible proud of you to be able to post this here, to be able to open up so much and to so many here. You make very huge step to do that, and you continue to have my respect and admiration. YOU will be all right, one day, and you DO deserve that. Thank you so much to be my friend, and to show me so much strength.

leosha
 
Hi Fly--

When I was in fourth grade, I was also abused by my coach, and though it was only once it was pretty devastating. I can only imagine all the pain and heartache this has brought you.

I wish I could stand there for you like a shield against any more of these terrible crimes.

Be careful and be kind to yourself. Remember that you were just a very little boy when all this started, and that your coach set you up for these years of abuse. When you say "I should have stopped him," you forget the whole pattern, the horrible fact that the abuse creates docility and makes you susceptible to more and more of the same. And that blame is terribly dangerous...it makes a feeling of worthlessness that is overwhelming.

None of this is your fault, Fly. Not one tiny little bit. The fact that you are sitting in a hospital bed is the result of someone assaulting you. And that's not only cruel and wrong, it's also a crime. So please don't punish yourself for something out of your control. Even things like "I shouldn't have been there..." are really beside the point. You are supposed to be able to play sports safely and without risk of assault. And sometimes it's almost impossible to believe in the abuse...almost impossible to imagine that it could happen again, because it's so outrageous it seems like a horrible, horrible dream. So let yourself off the hook. It's not your fault.

As for what to do....and how to do it....So much depends on your emotional state and how much you handle. It doesn't all have to be dealt with at once. You need to get well enough to leave the hospital, first.

You say not many people know about this. That would be the first thing I'd suggest you change. Think about the tone of the response you've been given here....the warmth and the kindness. It's not just because we've all been through abuse that we respond that way. Not just because we understand as well as any other person could the nature of your pain. No. It's also because something truly wrong and terrible has been done to you, and anyone who cares about you will want to know the truth.

If at all possible, don't let yourself be alone in this...don't isolate yourself by silence from your friends and other loved ones. there's no need for that, and there's nothing for you to be ashamed of or feel bad about. You were the victim of a crime.

Danny
 
Hello Fly,

Has the hospital called the police to report this crime? I would expect you will not be there for long. As someone said, the important thing now is for you to be safe from this man forever.

It would be good for you Fly, to look at the many papers that have been published on our site and see some of the things that might be most helpful for you.

Continue to post here as you feel you can. Please let us know if we can help you in some specific way.

You are a courageous young man. What has happened to you is a horrible crime that you have no responsibility in at all--not even this latest assault. Take care to be around people who will help you be safe.

Bob
 
I really thought I already responded here, guess not. Anyway, thank you all I appreciate it. Well, I am still in this friggin hospital, long story, but basically from this last thing. I stll don't really know what to do, all I know, is that I don't feel strong enough for this, but I will survive. The hospital did call the police, I lied and just told them I was mugged, again a long story, but for now I just need to be alone with the way I feel, can't handle any of the other. Thank you all again.

Peace,
Fly
 
I can't express in words how the horror of what you are going through makes me feel. I am so so sorry you are where you are.

It sounds like you may personally know some people here, if so get the hell out of there for a while and get some love in a safe place where you feel safe.

I know absolutly nothing about your life other than this post and see you are in Michigan. There are some awsome MS guys in Michigan, I know one in Flint.

Let us know what you need and want. I know there are guys close to you that can help you if you need it. Let us know.

I am so sorry, so sorry, I don't know what to say.

BT
 
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