My Life. (old post & new)

[Gadzook]

Okay I had to clear some dust off of this but just for those of you I do not know or have not met yet - this is my life.

I have lived with my fear for so long.
I was raped when I was 19 years old. "To be exact my 20th birthday". I am now 26 years old. I did seek help from professionals. It was a very hard thing for me to do. I "expected" that by now my fears and "bad dreams" would be almost non-existent. Yet once and a while they still haunt me.
I am now on my second marriage. My first wife could not handle my emotions and nor could I blame her. Don't get me wrong -I am happier today than I was back then. But the reality of everything that happened when I was 19 years old is still pretty fresh in my mind. I questioned my own sexuality after the rape. I guess I felt really like it was all my fault. That is something I am still learning to "not" do - blame myself. But it's very difficult not too. I look back at my life and wonder what I would be like today had the rape never occurred. At one point in my life someone very close to me told me that I was raped because it was God's way of punishing me for something I had done in my life. When they said that I actually felt so ashamed of myself. I would think to myself I must be a very horrible person for God to want this to happen to me. I stopped talking to people. I stopped going out. I stopped living. I would sit in my room. I couldn't even tell my own family until 5 years after it happened. They just figured (at the time) it was just me being your "typical" teenager. I shut myself off from the world and life. This was a huge change from what I used to be like. I really used to love being around people. I was very outgoing. I trusted people with everything. I was very naive.
I married my first wife thinking maybe this would take care of everything. No more bad dreams and the whole rape would seem just like a bad dream and nothing more. I was very wrong. The dreams and life got so bad that at one point I cut my own wrists. I ended up at the local mental hospital. I am certain that it was my stay at the hospital that not only saved my life but helped me deal with the pain and even the anger I had built up inside of me. My wife left me shortly after that. I do not blame her as I am positive most people could not handle the fear and confusion of wondering if your "husband" is going to make it or if one day you'll come home and find them dead on the floor. Thank God, that did not happen. I later tried my luck at marriage again. This time I married a friend I had known in high school. We hit it off. I was pretty open by then about my rape. I explained how my emotions could be like a roller coaster ride. She even went with me to some of my therapy appointments. Today I am a proud father of two boys. I worry about them ever finding out about what happened to their father. Right now they are too young to ever comprehend what I went through. Right now life is going great and I am happy and in love with my wife. But I still have the fear deep inside. I still get the bad dreams now and then. I still have to work very hard to trust people. I am told it takes time. I am also told some wounds never do fully heal.
Ok so you might be asking yourself why I posted this... I just had to get that all off my shoulders. And to ask a very serious question. Did God want this to happen to me? I have had professionals tell me "of course not" but sometimes it takes more than just a person with a degree to make it crystal clear. Sorry if I rambled. I hope this note makes some sort of sense. I also hope in some way this note may help someone who has yet to go get help. Like I said, it saved my life.
I know I did not go into detail of my rape. It was a moment in my life I guess I will never forget. Even though I wish I could.
***new post**
I also recently had to come to terms with not just my gang rape but also my molestation as a child and young teen by someone I thought was not only my "babysitter" but also I thought he was a friend. It's somewhat amazing and sad at the same time the things the mind will push so hard to forget that you relive them that much more.
Gang raped on my 20th birthday, molested as a yong child. In some ways society would love for me to believe I am a man now and I can get over it. But there is still that little boy inside of me - the one who never got the chance to grow up. He went from being a care free, fun loving and trusting child to a confused, scared and untrusting adult over night. Growing up too fast with too much pain and fear. We all know that this is no way to grow up. And it is indeed no way to live.
I still believe in not being a victim but rather a survivor. No matter how hard that may be at some points in my life. I refuse to let "them" win.
Any "kind" responses would be very welcomed.
Thank You!
Gadzook

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Gadzook ]

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Gadzook ]

 

[livingwithit]

Gadzook, just a few heartfelt words, I just posted above yours, This forum doesnt' have the traffic that some others do. So we can see days and days without responses. I am a yacker so I figured I would respond. I am just offering you some support. I am glad you are where you are in your life. I am glad you have a wife, and children, it is so nice to actually have a life outside of the abuse. Best of luck to you Jen

 

[Gadzook]

Originally posted by livingwithit:
Gadzook, just a few heartfelt words, I just posted above yours, This forum doesnt' have the traffic that some others do. So we can see days and days without responses. I am a yacker so I figured I would respond. I am just offering you some support. I am glad you are where you are in your life. I am glad you have a wife, and children, it is so nice to actually have a life outside of the abuse. Best of luck to you Jen

**
Thank you so much for your kind words.
It helps to give me what I need to keep going. I hope I can help other people just as you are helping me. Thank's is not enough but it is all I have to offer. So Thank You very much I appreciate the support and the heart felt words.
-Gadzook

 

[Gadzook]

Being a victim and being a survivor sometimes is as simple as saying to yourself in the mornings;

"I am going to get up and get out of bed!"
-or-
"What's the use? I might as well stay closed in my room and close my eyes and let the day pass me by."

As easy as it is to read - we all know it is not as easy to do. Good luck everyone on every second of every day. And I hope that for all of us it does become this simple to do as it is to read and that goes for all those difficult choices we have to make and get through.

Gadzook

 

Hello,
Just wanted to share with you my spiritual views. For me I had a difficult time distinguishing religeon form spirituality. Growing up in a Baptist home in the South the God of my childhhod was a punishing God. As a Spiritual being today(not neccessarily religeous) my God, as I understand him, is a Loving, caring and all encompassing force for good in my life.
I believe God only wants the best for us and the greatest degree of peace and Love that we are capable of to be ours. In my life I believe there have been occurrances that by no means being God's will are avenues to bring us closer to God and grow in our Trust and faith. Trust obviously for many of us is a bitch if not almost impossible seeming. I strive on a daily basis to be more open and spiritual and let go of so much of the control(rooted in fear) and self induced chaos I believe I create in my life. Step by step it does get better and you know, somedays I feel that I am ok. Just me , Mike is a good guy.

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: MichaelW ]

 

Gadzook,
I can't tell you how sad it makes me to hear that you were told you had done somthing wrong and God was punishing you. That is a strait out lie.

God is a loving father that does not wish us any harm at all, their are so many scriptures in the Holy Book, about how he pities his childern and has ternder mercy for us and loves us and would go through even,death so we could be saved from hell and take us to heaven with him when we die.

The only thing I can say is that the person who told you that is gravely mistaked about God, and I hope you dont believe for a minute that God alloweds rape and abuse to happen because he is punishing you for somthing you did.

Peace and Friendship,
Dan

 

[Gadzook]

I have leaned to accept that there will be some cruel people in the world. I also think there is a lot of confusion as far a male survivors go. A man is never supposed to be helpless or a victim in any way. Society tells us a man is strong and unafraid. Society is slowly learning that this is not always the truth. And just like females - males can be victimized and it is not their fault.
I have tryed to heal my relationship with God. Which even though I know inside my heart "He" never left me - I felt so confused and alone for so long that it is going to take sometime for me to accept "Him" again completely. But - at lease I realize "He" will be with me as I go through my trials in life and "He" will be waiting for me to fully accept "Him" again.
Honestly the worst part of all my getting help was finding the right therapist and doctors to listen seriously to me. It was quite the humiliating and exhausting process. I got so down and depressed and felt so ashamed of myself that I literally felt like I was being victimized all over again.
This is a process I pray no person will ever have to endure like I did.
I finally have found some very good people. But it worries me that I almost gave up along the way and almost did not make it this far.
That a few "professionals" can break a persons will to live and "survive".
I wonder how many of us out there never do make it? It's a sad, sad situation and I hope it keeps improving.
-Gadzook

 

[Just Call me J]

My roommate died about 3 months ago. Right before that, I had purchased a Student Bible, because I had been thinking of returning to Christianity, but didn't want to do it based on what others said. I wanted to see for myself, so I could judge for myself. In the last 5 years, I've had to deal with a lot of grieving, for myself, and those close to me.

Christy is (was?) lesbian, and she was the girlfriend of my best friend, so I definitely had on my mind that this was somehow "punishment" for her sexuality. But then I remember that she's had a heart condition for most of her life. Shit happens.

So after Christy died, I opened up my Bible to Job, by chance. I read it all day. It's hard for me to express what went through my mind, so I'll describe the book, and maybe I can explain it. The bulk of that book is Job, sitting around with 4 close friends, after Job's lands have been wiped out, his children and their families killed, and Job's body is covered with painful sores and blisters.

His friends start out by being supportive, while Job goes through all the expected emotions of his losses. Slowly, though, his friends start wondering what Job did, to deserve all this. They start accusing him. They claim that all this bad stuff could not have happened, unless Job had done something, and this was God's judgement.

All the while, Job is claiming innocence (and as a point of fact the book opened with God and Satan agreeing that Job was a man who was "blameless and upright"), and his friends don't believe him. Job sticks to his guns, and also sticks to his faith that God is just; he didn't like what happened, and he felt justifiably angry that it happened. He simply wanted to state his case before God that he was "innocent."

The book is 42 chapters long. There is a lot of back and forth, accusations and denials. It covers the gamut of emotions of a suffering person (I think we'll all relate). Eventually, God does show up, but he does not explain WHY Job had to suffer. But he DOES say that Job's friends were completely wrong about God and his judgement, and orders them to make sacrifices to make amends. I don't know how to explain why I found comfort in this, when it doesn't really answer the question of "why?"

What seems to be the most important, though, is that you do not allow the actions of others to cloud your faith in God.

Gadzook, your friend was wrong; you did nothing to deserve the pain and anguish that was brought on you by others. God will be reserving judgement for AFTER this life, not during it. So live the life that will make you proud. Religion is hard, when the foundations of trust have been shaken. If it's hard to trust those we can see, it's got to be harder when it's a God that we can't see.

But keep looking. He's there, and He's waiting for you.

J
We're in this together.

 

[Gadzook]

I am very, truly happy to hear your thoughful words. All the therapy in the world does nothing to restore ones faith. But the kind words from a stranger does.
I know I will get there someday.
It may be difficult but I will. I'm not sure it is God that I feel betrayed by as it is my faith in people. It's more a matter of putting my faith into the things unseen and feeling it in my spirit. To not listen so intently on the things I hear with my ears but rather the things I hear with my soul.

It may be a very long time before I can fully put what that person said to me out of my mind. But I know I am here for a reason. I know that my life is not a mistake even though it feels that way now and then.
I am sorry to hear about your friend. I'm sure this was not at all easy for you.
I do plan on continuing to seek my faith. I have a lot of blinders around me but I am working hard to rip those down so I may see clearly.
-Gadzook

 

[blacken]

Gadzook, congradulations on all of your progress. A terriblly hard road you've had to travel. But you have won out over overwhelming hardships. I can't agree more with the others in saying, God wasnt and isnt punishing you, if anything He was there to help you along. He tilted the hand of fate that got you in the hospital, He helped you find a supportive wife, etc. But you have made such great progress, and will continue to do so. Perhaps you wont completely "Get over it", but how the Hell can we really. It IS like losing a arm. Do you get over that? No, but you learn to live WITH "it". "it", is loss. Loss of a childhood, loss of friendships, loss of trust in Mankind, and a lot more. But you are learning how to Live your Life, raise your kids, love your wife. Hey, your doing great works.
May your way be light, your foundation firm, your mind clear.

 

[Just Call me J]

I'm not about to make the leap that things are "better" since we've suffered, but this just popped into my head, so I'll throw it out here for consideration.

In my experience with grieving (and I've had a LOT over the last 5 years), there are some people who "get it" and there are those that don't. People who have been touched by grief, (and also made their way through it) are a lot more sympethetic toward others, and seem to be more humane in general.

People who have never lost anyone close to them (or have never grieved over people they have lost) are hard edged, and say things like, "It's been 3 months already. Are you going to get over this, or what?"

Parallels can be drawn with any terrible events, including abuse. I don't think that it is good that terrible things happen, but we can choose to make good come out of them. Do we give up on all of humanity, because some terrible humans betrayed our trust? Or can we take what we've learned, and help make this world a better place. This is another example, I think, of the free choice that God granted to man. We don't HAVE to accept the way things are.

I just remembered that in Job, God blessed his life even more than the life he lived before his troubles. Of course, these new children he had don't REPLACE his other children. But I think that it shows that things CAN be better after tragedy. Not the same, but things can improve.

I'm in a lucky position, because I ALREADY have a job, helping kids who have been abused. My flashback came before I made concrete my plans to move into another line of work. Now I'm convinced that working with these kids is where I want to stay, for my career.

We will all find our own way in this world, and we'll all find our own ways to give back to the world. I think my way might be more visible, but simply living a good life, teaching our kids not to judge others, to be responsible for their actions, and treating one another with dignity is a true gift to the world.

J
We're in this together.