My life, My declaration �Trigger Warning.�

[Eternal18]

Hi All

Well done for being on here and for getting this far in your lives despite the trauma that you have gone through.

For some reason that just popped into my head right now, I don't usually think of other people, and I am extremely harsh on myself while not do so. I have spent the last 26 years looking at the same flaw in me and nothing else.

I'm writing out of a place of deep pain, please understand that if I come across as dark and angry. And answer me this, am I the only one who feels this way? How I have survived 26 years feeling this way blows my mind. Every waking moment this is what I have breathed. This is my story, it isn't pretty, I'm sorry.

I'm 30 something, and my life has been defined by the darkest most negative feelings that one could not imagine were possible. I have been sucked though a time warp, hurtling through the last 26 years of my life, and find myself sitting here today as though no time has passed, thinking: "Man you really hate yourself, you are worthless and you will never be what you should have been. You cannot even remember what it feels like to feel clean, to feel joy, to not be hating yourself amongst your peers". That is what I have thought since it began, I had a deep dark secret inside my soul which I believed I had traded with the devil on my own volition.

The devil was my grandmother and she turned me into her toy boy for 3 years from age 10 till 13. It was so awful because once she started I withdrew from normal life and was putty in her hands. I literally couldn't look a girl my own age in the eyes and not feel like I was putrifying right there in front of them, worried I would contaminate them with the sick and twisted soul that was a prisoner to my body. Come to think of it no wonder I loathe myself so much, my appearance, my personality, and most of all my defeated self esteem.

What did I do to deserve that, I guess just desserts are not really a thing of divine determination, they just happen, the same way half the world is impoverished and suffering. None of those souls did anything to deserve it.

I watched my childhood pass me by while I tried to navigate myself away from the pain and the shame of what I was. I would go home and see my family knowing I was involved in the most depraved unnatural set of acts with my ugly old grandmother. I would lie awake in bed staring at the wall at night while my brother slept peacefully in his bed. The pain was terrible, what had I done, God what had I done.

I floated through the next 5 years like a an invisible ship in a busy ocean. I was constantly being passed by and motored over by ships that mattered, they were pristine with big proud sails, they had passengers, they had dominion over their trajectories and interaction with other ships and the world. I just sat idle and got carried along with the current, my sails were stripped from me never to be returned.

And here I am today, I have no real friends to speak of, no close relationships, no one knows me, no one knows the terrible plague that I carry.

I was spurned by every female I laid eyes on, I was rejected off hand from every job that I wanted, I literally could not achieve a thing. I lived with my folks until a year ago and I'm struggling to be independent, self sustaining, and basically valuable to this society that I frankly didn't grow up a part of. I loathe it as much as I loathe myself; it was not there for me when I needed it, it watched me wither away into obscurity.It loathed me more than words can express and I was always reminded of it with every rejection.

I don't really think I need to describe my current situation in too much detail. I am the sum of nothing. An inanimate nothing that some people at times may have seen a flicker of life in. I had their attention for an instant or two, then it was lost and they went on with their lives like someone who had stopped and thought they had heard a cry for help then decided it's getting dark they best be getting home. I'm still floating in this abyss but I can't see the other ships at all, they have all sailed, and I think to myself: "You messed it up kid, you had a life and you ruined it just by your very existence. You don't matter and you never did. How do you carry on existing each day at a time. Shame on you".

So yes, this whole sexual abuse thing destroyed me. My behavior and lifestyle are self destructive. Think male loneliness, suppressed sexuality, nearly a 40 year old virgin but not as funny as the movie. My mast is so messed up I don't think I will ever get wind in my sails again.

But I want to try, I really do. And there was something very therapeutic about writing this, which caused memories of a young me to stir in my head. A memory or two of what it felt like to be me, before me was turned into this.

I greet you all and I hope I can one day respect myself and give myself the credit that I believe you all deserve.

I'm not sure that there is a way out of this nightmare, but I'm hoping that today defines me and sparks a resurrection in my spirit exponentially more powerful than the moment I became pray in my grandmothers web. Not for her to dine on, just for her to watch me rot away and take some perverse pleasure in it.

26 years, 9,490 days, 227,760 hours, 13,665,600 minutes, 819,936,000 seconds of self loathing, isolation, depression, anxiety and crippling shame. And counting.

I deserve better. We all want better, I just want to be better.

I've read the rules. If anyone PMs me weird stuff I will contact a mod.

 

[Eternal18]

Wow after reading some other posts mine really is not as big a trigger as I thought. I never knew there was a world full of us.

 

[Tom E.]

I'm so sorry you went thru that horror and are still suffering from it. I hope sharing it with us helps. We stand with you.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Hi Eternal18,

I am very sorry for what your grandmother did to you. She took advantage of you at a very young age and sexualized you in ways you should not have been sexualized. I don't know if you have read many of the posts on these boards, but the issue of us returning to the erotic feelings and the situations in which we were sexually traumatized is common and is by now a well-known neurological phenomenon. In other words, our brains get wired to seek the abuse over and over until we unravel the feelings and beliefs that are driving it all, including re-processing the original abuse. So I assure you that you are being way too hard on yourself for everything you have felt and still might feel, as unwelcome as those feelings might be.

I assure you that you are still a worthwhile person and deserve to be free of not only the trauma, but the relentless self-condemnation. One thing you did not mention in your post is whether or not you have ever sought help for all your feelings of shame and the events that caused them? If not, know that anyone in your situation would benefit from seeking help, whether it be a support group, book, therapist, etc. Many of us have been there and found a lot of help in these avenues.

I assure you that your shame is just feelings about yourself and is not who you really are. You seem to have written yourself off based on how you feel. That makes me sad. We are never as lost as we think we are if we are crying out for help. That says we recognize something is wrong and that we are bothered by it. That is a sign of health, not utter depravity.

I know what utter depravity is all about. It doesn't want help. It isn't bothered by evil. I have had a terrible life too, and used to get off on some horrific sexual desires. But through work and time, I have been able to work through the abuse and the desires that were created by it. I no longer feel shame about the abuse or the feelings because I know that I was not responsible for how it originally hooked me. I continue to work to get rid of the desires that I do not want any longer. Please continue to post and read the posts on the MS board, and don't give up on yourself just yet.

Cheers,

Chris

P.S. Hope you don't sic the mods on me!

 

[Eternal18]

Thank you Chris

Nope, no mods, the rules freaked me out, they mentioned that people can predate on new vulnerable members by Private messages.

I have been in therapy for 21 years and feel hopeless. The fact that I have survived week to week but not made long term recovery.

Just last week I was ready to say adios to this endless suffering.

I've also been so ashamed of sexual outlets I've sought out. Lets just say it's been a little bit seedy, massages with working girls and a few visits to adult stores for booths.

I have sex hardwired as evil, not special.

I'm trying, but I'm so angry at my lack of progress.

I went to a depression and anxiety group, it was completely not addressing the specific issues we face. It left me even more despondent.

I now see a great guy who runs a support NGO for male survivors. He will probably read this. Thanks to him my burden is lessened and I am here.

I feel in here like it is my first day of school and everyone is just like me. I'm not a freak.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

E18 - You're not a freak. I am sorry you do not feel like you have made much progress over the years.
I hope this new group will help to change that.

I know what you mean by going to groups or seeking help with specific issues, and feeling that everyone else is being addressed except you.
I feel that way a lot with some of my particular issues. Sometimes we just have to do the best we can with what resources we have.

I am glad you didn't say adios. Instead, I am glad you came on here and said hi .
Stick around and avail yourself of all that MS has to offer..

Sincerely,

Chris

 

[Ceremony]

HI Eternal18, welcome to MS... I've been around about a year. Your description about self worth resonates deeply with me, as does the trajectory of your life. I'm surprised though, that 21 years of therapy have not shown some path toward bringing your parts to a nurturing beginning?

I want to explain, about my hopes. I know low self worth, self loathing, hating myself. I know isolation, losing connections, currently at a loss to state I have face to face friends. I have anxiety, fears that manifest as hyper vigilance and I've seen pretty clearly that my dissociation is connected to the automatic survival modes of my trauma brain. I've researched these, and I've had weekly therapy since about late April or early May this year. She's been very clear about what and how I can do my work to heal.

I came in with many pages that I journaled, and it was my hope to use that for the purpose of EMDR. My T decided that my dissociation was in the way, so we've been working on my parts. That language is new to my lexicon, but it's clear to me now, what the parts mean regarding me. I like that you mention memories of being 2, I could find some age 3. That's where I chose to focus my beginning. I had done some initial EMDR, and engaged 12 and 13. My T, with changing course to deal with dissociation, noted my deep self loathing and inability to care about that. I can care deeply about others, but to take care of myself, seemed utterly useless to me. A self defeating life.

I was soon able to convince myself to work with these parts, and found her directions to nurture them viable. I chose someone whom I considered safe, and nurturing, whom my parts could engage, and I could visit at will. This has all entailed memories, and adding my known character inserted with scenery. A nice home, comfy furniture, safe and colorful, toys, games, outside if I want to. Excellent music, and electronics, etc... I have a vivid imagination from dealing with hating reality, so that's not been much of a problem.

These parts are what I'm currently doing, and hope to continue examining what nurturing means to those parts, and how it will fill me with some building blocks of goodness. I see it as a replacement life story for what I actually went through, but with full knowledge that I'm making it up. I get the process has the full use of imagination. What it's doing to my brain is the motivation for me to continue. I am going to work on rewiring how I process emotions and events. I want less anxiety to hit me immediately, to hear the voice I tell me: "you're not worth it", "settle, it's all I'll get anyway", etc...

I think a lot of this might seem way off the wall to anyone who hasn't researched it. I know that Janina Fisher and other research therapists have written extensively about this process. It's not easy to explain. I still find my research deep and involved.

I hoped that telling you some about me, some of my journey and now seeing some flicker of positive hope, will mean you're now aware it's possible to find a path through the mire of our lives.

 

[Eternal18]

Thanks Chris.

 

[Eternal18]

Hi Ceremony

Thanks for sharing your experience and the methodology that you are following in therapy. I will read up on EMDR I've never heard the term.

Yes I have a trek ahead of me like none other to recover.

 

[C. E.]

Hi, Eternal18 -

We all have such different ways of surviving and evolving from our experiences of abuse as kids. Dark and angry? Take heart that you are certainly not the only one who feels that way. That said, anger was not the emotional track that I took, but our paths were different and we were different. Interestingly enough, my therapist thought that my failure to get in touch with my anger created a problem for my healing. So perhaps you are further along than I am on the path. In any case, this is YOUR journey.

I am so very sorry for what you went through. You mentioned near the end that there was something very therapeutic in writing what you did, despite the seemingly hopeless darkness. That I can certainly relate to.

My way out of the nightmare was to write. I found my voice travelled best through my fingertips. I put my thoughts into black and white letters, and somehow spelling it out on a page or on a screen spelled it out in my head as well. You wonder if there is a way out of this nightmare. That was my way.

We are here for you. 820 million seconds behind you - and perhaps just as many ahead of you. The stopwatch can be reset. Write. Share. Write. Write. Write.

 

[manipulated]

Eternal,

I am so sorry for what brings all of us here but glad you found ms and know you are no longer alone. Here ARE men who know, understand and feel or felt the same from the actions of predators.

So glad you are tackling this in your 30somethings...I hid until my mid fifties...life wasted but I have found life, love and hope...it took wasted time with two therapists before I found one experienced in trauma, it took two years of T before I was strong enough to attend a Weekend of Recovery but those two things broke me finally free of the perp on a day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment basis.

Please know you can feel good emotions again and you can heal.

 

[Eternal18]

Thanks Eric

Your story was really something to behold. I enjoyed the read even though parts were horrifying. You have an amazing calmness that I wish I could match.

The anger is really bad, it makes me impulsive and capable of self harm. I need to get on top of it.

 

[C. E.]

Eternal -

It's funny how we sometimes wish we could have the other person's attributes. I think anger would have been healthy for me and probably more empowering. My "calmness" was in part due to the fact that I always had to check my emotions when I would see him on top of my sister in the basement - especially with my parents upstairs in the kitchen. But even outside of those dirty situations, I was always a quiet boy that way - I never really had tantrums like some of my other friends did. And the other part of that calmness was timidness. Even today I'm still more like a scared cat - when things go wrong, I stay quiet and hide. I wish I knew how to stand on the ground and stick up for myself. Hell - I couldn't even stick up for my little sister. What.. a.. wimp... So embrace your rage.

Anger is a gift, I think. It's a powerful dragon for those who are lucky enough to possess it. I do not. But think I have seen enough anger in others to understand this much - that one can either harness their anger and ride it to great heights, or be consumed by it and be destroyed. Maybe you shouldn't wish for my calm. Perhaps you should rather focus on channeling the energy you have. Just a thought.

 

[CelloL]

For me I don't think of anger as a gift. Friends in college tried to get me to open up instead of having a very think emotional wall around me, but once I started exploding in anger it was hard to stop. I don't express my anger at people. I break things and sometimes things that I regret having broken later. Like my $350 walnut music stand made by a man who was custom furniture maker for Marilyn Monroe - the desk flipped upside down, dumping my music at the very wrong time. I regret that and I'm sad about that. I saved the broken parts.

To most people I show a calm exterior that some people have told me they admired. What they don't know is that under the surface sits rage. It never goes away.

You couldn't stick up for your sister. You were a kid. Adults have all the power. You didn't know what would happen to you if you told your parents. Nothing to do with being a wimp. An abuser knows how to push the right buttons to keep a kid quiet. It's not your fault.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

I have written a few times how when I finally began releasing my own supressed anger, it empowered me in such profound ways that I would not have recovered nearly as much if that anger was still all bottled up and pushed down.

But it is true that you have to be very careful with anger. I have seen in recovery circles where people let their anger out and stay stuck in the same anger and bitterness forever. They just groove on it. What I learned for my situation from my counselor at the time was that the idea is not to allow yourself to groove on it, but first just express it, to let it out because it is taking so much energy to keep it pushed down. I did that primarily in my journaling. Then, work through the bitterness and get to the hurt that is underneath the anger. Once I was able to get to the hurt and began to grieve over it, the anger dissipated and is no longer uncontrollable nor as easily triggered.

However it is very individual. Some situations that one person thinks should merit anger may not really trigger alot of anger in the actual victim. For example, I had alot of anger towards many people, but not so much for my main perp. That situation is just complicated. Maybe it will come out one day, and maybe it won't. I am still trying to get to the hurt behind certain situations, so anything's possible. But I feel 1,000% better after having unearthed and processed all that stored anger that I never got to express while growing up.

 

[AuthenticMe]

Hi Chris,

Well said. Feeling anger is an important step in the healing process, but staying there can be counter-productive. Anger can be toxic or cathartic (or both). Re-directing the anger I had at myself for being abused to the rightful target (the abuser) was a big step for me. Compared to that, letting go of the anger around the abuse was fairly straight-forward.

That said, I feel like there should be a disclaimer that accompanies all my emails that says there is no 'right' time frame for anyone's recovery. Even when we are in dark, painful places, I try to remember my therapist's kind advice to view wherever we are as the exact right place we need to be in the process.

Lome

 

[Eternal18]

Manipulated.

Thank you for your kind words Sir

 

[Eternal18]

Eternal -

It's funny how we sometimes wish we could have the other person's attributes. I think anger would have been healthy for me and probably more empowering. My "calmness" was in part due to the fact that I always had to check my emotions when I would see him on top of my sister in the basement - especially with my parents upstairs in the kitchen. But even outside of those dirty situations, I was always a quiet boy that way - I never really had tantrums like some of my other friends did. And the other part of that calmness was timidness. Even today I'm still more like a scared cat - when things go wrong, I stay quiet and hide. I wish I knew how to stand on the ground and stick up for myself. Hell - I couldn't even stick up for my little sister. What.. a.. wimp... So embrace your rage.

Anger is a gift, I think. It's a powerful dragon for those who are lucky enough to possess it. I do not. But think I have seen enough anger in others to understand this much - that one can either harness their anger and ride it to great heights, or be consumed by it and be destroyed. Maybe you shouldn't wish for my calm. Perhaps you should rather focus on channeling the energy you have. Just a thought.

Well put. I cannot comprehend what it would have felt like being in your shoes. What an awful predicament.

Yes quite right, I need to channel it, right now it is sitting in an airtight chamber waiting to burst.

That is from sleeping when I should be up working, and staying home while the world goes by outside.

I'm trying to get back to focusing on work and hobbies.

 

[Eternal18]

I have chronic hand pain from a misplaced punch against what I thought was a soft plastic mirror. I have shattered my wind shield with a punch. My hand hurts. The after effects of the CSA makes some of us self destructive and frustrated at just about everything.

 

[Eternal18]

Yes so well said. I guess I groove on it. I am so bitter. So so bitter. Mainly because I just became fall out and the rest of the world moved on an prospered.I got to believe I can move beyond it.