My life is so messed up

My life is so messed up
A

Aden

Registrant
At the age of 50 I am still bound by the social and religious values which judged me during the abuse I suffered ages 9-12. An overly idealistic child, I have grown into a sick and sorry old man.There is time to redeem a portion of this life, but I can't find the method. The memories and self-loathing have governed me all these years. I need an out from all of the screw-ups I continue to committ because of this confusion. The only solution seems to be to pray for a shortened life span. I'd like another 20 years. but not like this. The cloud has to be lifted form my mind before I can think clearly. Therapy and psycotropic drugs don't touch it. My finances and relationships are several times ruined. I am weary and alone. The several years left to me do not seem all that attractive. Is there some new mind twisting concept out there that will ease my way into old age?
 
aden,

welcome to us as being a new member!.

i am only 41 and don't know of some healing method or meds that can help you get another good 20 years or so. i do care though although that may not be enough at this time.

i can tell you though, that many of us are screwed up. that is why i am here.
the meds have not helped me much. i too, say i am a christian and have prayed a lot but sometimes i loose a lot of my faith. why does god allow suffering?, especially to children? i am told so that maybe we can help people later having delt with the bullshit or something to that afect.

my two ex-wives adnd three ex- g/f's have all had to deal with me. i hid mine for 31 years. i never told any of them acted like i was o.k., tough, i could hack it as my dad was a tough marine. guess what, i can't and only through me finally acknowledling my abuse for about 7 months when i was 10 and 11 am i just now dealing with it. i withdrew, acted out, isolated them and me, you name it except for abusing them physically, i was and am a little fucked up. my denial self never thought it had to do with my s.a. but guess what too?, it affected me all through my life now that i am finally acknowledging it.

we do need to heal us or at least make us better. with that, than maybe we can have relationships, financial order, or at the least some contentment.

i am currently suffering pretty sigificant clinical depression. lost a lot of weight, lost interest in a lot of things. but do have a duaghter that i am doing it all for as well as for myself.

i'm yanked back in forth from my old g/f, lost interst in so many things, but i do have a good t. i am meeting with her weekly. she helps some, the meds have not helped much (zoloft and clonzepam). i think on my follow up with my reg md, i will ask for something else for this depression. i think if i can get better with that, i can begin to be my old self again and deal with my abuser and my abuse and function again almost normally. i have lost so much motivation for everything.

so brother, i know i may not have helped much but you are in a safe place here. many of us go through and are going through what you are. we may not get curred immediately or ever, but what the hell, let's live and do our best to make us feel beter and to try to love ourself. we never really have, i think we deserve it. really.

take care, guy
 
Aden,

First of all welcome. I wish none of us had needed to find a place like this, but I am glad you found us. You have joined a fellowship of brothers who have all suffered and who rally to support each other. So, again, welcome.

I am 47 and have only begun the journey a couple of months ago. I have the same feelings you do about wanting to redeem what is left of my life, but unwilling to do it at the same level of pain and/or failure that has been my trademark in the over 30 years since the abuse stopped.

I am new to therapy and already on my second therapist. Do I feel like nothing is really happening? Yes. I've been on psychotropic drugs before. Do these make me feel different then I did before. No.

So why bother? Isn't it hopeless to continue to fight against something when I don't yet see the daylight? No.

Because I found a few things here I never had before. Support. Love. Understanding. And faith.

These guys do not give up on me. Ever. They celebrate the little victories with me and carry me through the rough patches. And I do the same for them.

That's what makes it different. They have helped me to see that there is hope. It can change. It will change. Because now there is hope.

I hope this made some sense to you. And once again, you are more than just welcome here. You are now a part of a big family.

Peace,

Marc
 
Hi, Aden. Sorry you're going through all this, but you're in good company here. To me, the greatest comfort of finding this site was knowing that I wasn't alone in my pain. I've had thoughts like you as well, wishing for the end of my life to hurry up and come along so I won't have to feel any more pain. It's a sad feeling, to be sure. I've only been in recovery from all this a little over 1 month, and it's caused a lot of soul searching. I hope you stay with us here on this board, we all need each other. Looking forward to hearing back from you.
 
Aden
I'm 50, and getting better by the day.

If I had a 'magic pill' I wouldn't sell it, even though it would make me rich.
I'd give it away because I KNOW that we can get our lives back, and I wan't nothing more than to see more people join us.

It's not easy, and it certainly won't happen overnight. But think about about a couple of years from now, 52 or 53 isn't that old that we can't enjoy our lives.
Stick with us, we'll help all we can.

Dave
 
Thanks guys for the thoughts. Not being alone in this might help. We'll see. Once, back in my mid-twenties, I tried to talk to my mom about what had happened. She called me a lier and demanded to know why I was trying to hurt her. Funny, she is a very nice, reasonable, and intellegent person who has moved mountains to help her grand children. I often wonder why she wouldn't help me.
 
Hello my friend, I am not sure that it would be appropriate or not for me to welcome you hear as others have done because I am new hear as well. So instead I will say I am glad you are hear and I am looking forward to reading more of your posts. I wish that I could tell you that there is a wonderful miracle pill that you can take to cure your undying pain but I can't. And I wish I could tell you that things will become really easy but I can't. I am not as old as you are and you would probally still consider me just a kid. I am 23 and have been trying to deal with my abuse since I was 15, I have struggled so much and have contemplated suicide so many times. I have had many shouting conversations with God and have tried many other things to come to terms with what happened to me. You probally have alot more knowledge on this matter then I but the things that I have done to over come my past which I am far from doing but have come along way are, Attending therapy and being as open and honest as possable, surround myself with accomplishments I have been successful with, helping others when ever I can, continueing a personal relationship with God, and seeking information about why people choose to hurt children as they do. There are so many more but those I think are the most important for me. The last thing might seem a little strange and you might ask why on eath would a victum want to wast there time on trying to understand a perpitrator? Well my answer to that is simple there is a song by Billy Gillman called One of my greatest fears is it, and in the song he says, "The more I understand about it the less my world revolves around it then I can just live out my life without the fear of it." So that is why I think understanding things from both views is a good thing. I do not know if you have tryed any of these things but if you havn't I think that would be a good place for you to start. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find all the support you need, if you would ever like to talk please feel free to pm me any time. Your friend malidin.
 
Aden,

It is good that you are speaking in terms that reflect an attitude of potential solution. You still have hope, one of life's most treasured resources. And your hope has led you, as it has all of us here, to this marvelous watering hole. You're gonna be OK.

Don't be hard on yourself. You managed to manage all these 50 years, and while you may not be looking at it today with glowing review, that's OK. Your perspective will change. Just keep in mind, that it is not your fault. Keep in mind that your pure beautiful innocence was covered in tar and feathers, which became your skin, and it will take a lot of time work to grow a new skin, but it is possible. Keep in mind that you are not alone.

So what will you do for the next 20- or 30 or even 40 years or more? Keep asking the questions that will lead you to more questions; not questions that provide answers, leading ultimately to dead end conclusions. And if you can't think of the right questions for a while, just keep coming here and letting the voices here ask them for you. In the meantime, keep wrestling with those angels as you climb the ladder of days.

Blessings,

Ron
 
Aden,

I hope you can find something here, in the words of these guys, that will help "ease your way," as you say. It seems to me that the messages are full of hope. Hope that today (not tomorrow, just work on today) can be better than what went before.

Those months so long ago were nothing you deserved. That was not your fault. Don't try to take credit for that. Take credit for having the guts to reach out and find hands that can help pull you up. You're 50. How many guys are out there, at least as old, who have never been able to stand up to their demons as you are doing? Take credit for having that courage. Take hope from your own courage.

It's a shame that our society needs this place. I am so glad that it is here, for me, you, and all these guys. I wish you the best as you move into your future years.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Aden,

What does that old song say, "nice work if you can get it/and if you get it/won't you show me how?"

This isn't meant to mock or make fun, it's just a reality of our situation.

I'm so sorry for the abuse you had, coupled with the mind-screwing that has made your recovery that much harder. I can really relate to what you're saying.

Imagine having a statistical 40-odd left to go through with all this. There are days, my friend, when I cannot picture getting through another one. Days like today when I wish for an anurysm to blow in my skull and deliver me to the end I want.

But they get easier. It's hard to see right now, but they do.

And there are little things that remind me tere is life, there is hope. the friends I have here, the sunrise I see every morning that tells me God hasn't forsaken or condemned this world. Laughing, smiling, WHOLE kids who will be loved and cared for in the way we weren't. They will give this world a future. A future, hopefully, relieved of the evils we've seen.

Will it always make my life easier? No. Does it give me another shot of strength to get rhough the NOW? Yep.

My brother-in-law told me something which is VERY hard for me to use, but it's something I keep in my mind on days like these - you can CHOOSE to be happy.

Sure, yeah, you can. It's hard, sometimes, and it won't last all day. Maybe it can only last for the SECOND you choose for it. But yes, you can choose to be happy.

The sonsofbitches who hurt us, well, we had no choice over that. But we can take that choice back from them. Do you think THEY want us to be happy? Hell no! THEY had needs they wanted met, and they couldn't have cared an ounce about how WE would deal with it.

What a thumb in the eye for them, eh? Make THEM realize they have no more power over you. It's NOT about them or what they did, but US. THIS time US.

I don't know if I'm making sense at all right now. And it may sound like a bunch of horses**t, but it's the thing that gets me through the moment.

Thanks again to the morons who hurt me in my life, I'm riding a rollercoaster of emotions that I want stopped. I'd give anything for it to be over. I was thinking about death as a release again. But I'll be frigging DAMNED if I'll let THEM have the last laugh.

It won't get easier, and it sure as Hell doesn't look like fun for my statistical three-plus decades left, but I can get theough NOW. I can see how wonderful something is NOW and that can give me hope.

It can you, my friend. Don't look at the years left. Look at the NOW. There's something NOW that you can enjoy, smile at, laugh at. This can get you through.

And it works. It does with me. It IS right now.

You've found a great source of strength, and some of the greatest people I've evern known. Anyone here can help you. This site has saved my life and others many times over. Feel free to PM anyone, even me, if you need to.

We want to help as much as be helped, Aden. You're not alone anymore. And you're not keeping THEIR dirty little secret anymore, either. It's THEIR crime, THEIR sin, NOT YOURS. YOU WERE NEVER AT FAULT. THOSE ANIMALS WERE.

There's something else I usually tell people when I first "Meet" them here, and it can be a little overwhelming. But we didn't hear it often enough. I love you, my friend. There are no strings attached with that, and I want NOTHING in return for it. I just love you.

Peace, and welcome, my friend.

Scot
 
Aden - you're only 3 years older than myself. Last December I was a no hoper very close to not being around for the New Year.

I am now very much changed & very much alive - take the support that is offered here & believe in yourself.

I've made it, so I'd like to think that everyone else can....it takes a lot of hard work, but the effort is really worth it!

Number one is putting the blame where it really lies!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
You are not at all old. And you can have much more ahead of you, much more good things. I know it does not at all feel it now. But it is possible. You say that medicines don't work for you. It took quite a while to find medicine combination that work for me, and even that will fail me sometime. But it is worth it. It is worth the work and the pain that we go through to get more to a 'normal' world. Honest, it is. I hope that you will stay here, post as you wish, read as you wish. You will that there is a group of men here who understand each other, care about each other, and help and support each other. You are very welcome here. I hope you will stay.

Leosha
 
Aden,

Welcome. Aren't these the best guys in the world. Can't say you'd find this quality of men in your average cocktail party or bar. It aways amazes me to see these men go into action responding to one another. Maybe they remember what it's like to come here for the first time and get this almost overwhelming feeling that you've finally come home. Or, at least, found the right tree house, or club house or fort.
You've heard from a couple of the others about how they feel that finding this place saved their lives. Ya, it's true, I was convinced that I was never going to find anyone that truly understood this shit. Because of these guys and their concern for me, I've found some peace in my life...and, ya, a therapist that understands how to work through the process. Well, he tells me, he never knows what's going to work on any one man, he just tries different things until it finally clicks.
I hope that you find something that clicks for you. But until then, and while you're working at it, make yourself at home, if you want, some of us have been down that same path that you are now on. Feels good having company, doesn't it?

David
 
Welcome Aden,

Age is of no matter. Many of us have waited way too many years to start addressing the issues that have plagued us throughout our lives.

I am still bound by the social and religious values which judged me during the abuse I suffered ages 9-12.
Click to expand...
This would be the judgement of yourself by yourself, which is unwarranted. The abuse is something that was done to you not something that you did to you. Judging yourself based on the abuse you suffered is as judging a homocide victim as a person that committed suicide. Two totally different beasts, one done to another, one done to ones self.

The method of reclaiming your life and redeeming it varies. But one thing remains quite consistant. Realization. Relealization that the abuse isn't something that you did, it was something that happened to you. Realization that you have nothing to be guilty of. Realization that you have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Life is already too short, and so much of the pleasure time has be crushed by the weight of misdirected shame, guilt, anger, and other unwarranted feelings directed towards yourself. I pray for your realization of the truth and acceptance of that weight of burdon is not yours to carry so you will toss it aside.

Take care and be easy on yourself,
Bill
 
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