My life has been blown out of the water

My life has been blown out of the water
Ooh la la, Trish, bathing suit? Country club? I don't know if I'd be able to return to the ice and snow on Wednesday.

Have fun...

Dave's post about the urge to act out seems pretty accurate from over here as well. I would just say that when it comes to honesty or sharing regarding the abuse, that it's important to keep time in perspective. We are talking about secrets that were kept for decades. If it takes that same survivor weeks or months to acknowledge something very shameful, which he knows will hurt someone he loves... it is not such a long time.

SAR
 
SAR,

*giggles* A bikini even - Scandalous! :D The beautiful, peaceful warm climate will do wonders for my winter blues and all the other crap too. Enjoying the hoity toity environment of the country club won't hurt either. It's nice to step into that world every now and then.

It's funny, I was speaking with my girlfriend who knows the whole story and she told me that what she heard in my voice was calm, almost indifference. I can't even argue with that assessment but it's a very weird feeling. I am indifferent, because the work, the change and what happens to us from this point forward is not up to me. If things go well, as I hope they do, then all the good stuff will return.

I don't particularly like the me that's here right now, 'cause I feel so out of sorts and not myself, but I don't hate me and I'm not so uncomfortable that I'm paralized. I told John last night, the supportive, caring, give everything woman that I was a few days ago is not here. She's tired so the me sitting here today has taken over. She's angry and determined and the only thing on her mind is the job at hand which is to feel better about the whole of me.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
Trish
I somehow doubt that 'indifference' has taken over, if it had would you be here discussing YOUR feelings and emotions?
I get the feeling that the love you feel is deeper than the justified anger you feel right now.

"I won't be hurt because I expect it, "

Which bit of this don't 'we' understand?
It's a simple, yet very deep statement.
We 'know' we're going to reoffend, you know it too. So logically all we ( that's both people in the relationship ) need to do is engage the trinity of "love, honour and trust"

But we ( that's us as survivors ) have a mindset that we've already caused you guys enough pain and distress to last a lifetime, so we try our best to shelter you from our shit.
The truth is, it's the wrong thing to do, butn it's something that I know I do for all the right reasons, and it backfires on me nearly every time.

What happens is I end up looking at porn, and my wife catches me. So the process that we both agreed upon, me shouting up when I felt things sliding, hasn't worked. Or more honestly - I've not shouted up because of the WRONG reasons. Reasons that I have, in good faith, thought were good ones.

For many years I've been subjected to my own balancing act. I've accepted that I need my wifes help and support, and together we've talked and agreed stratergies and boundaries to enable US to move forward.
But I also want to prove to both her and me that I can live a 'normal' life and be responsible, so on that count I then get to thinking "No, I don't need to bother her with this, I'll deal with it"

How I wish that were true.
But like I said, the intentions are good and taken with her best interests. Or are they mine? maybe ?
If they are in my interests then I still have a lot of work to do because I'm basically accepting my old coping stratergies, and to a degree using and possibly relying on them.

What John did wasn't right, he lied and betrayed you and his therapist, amongst others. And let's not forget his personal betrayals either.
But, you say that you also accepted and expected some degree of backsliding.
I think that there is an inevitability about people who act out backsliding, a 'full' backslide is something that I live in fear of every waking moment. My fear is that some big emotional turmoil could send me out cottaging ( cruising ) again. I have absolutely no control over future major events and their outcome.
If it happens, then I, or we, have to deal with it. And that's what you're doing right now in a way, the difference is that John has acted out again FOR A REASON.

The really difficult thing now is to find, isolate, and then deal with that reason.
It might be fear of therapy, distrust of the therapist, the feeling that he's being pushed, the feeling that he just can't cope, depression or any number of things, but somewhere there lies a trigger.
Find that, and acting out becomes something that the survivor can control.

Until then, enjoy the sun. We're ankle deep in horrid slush over here and it's -5 outside. Florida's beaches seem a great place to recharge and put yourself back where you should be - the most important person in your life.

Dave
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top