Incestuous Abuse My journey, abusers, enablers *triggers

[Healing light]

When I disclosed my only aim was to stay alive , and that's remained an aim. I had no plans for the future I didn't ever really plan on disclosing

Now I'm sat and all these years have passed since and still no plan of action still wandering seemingly lost but actually how can I be lost when I wasn't heading anywhere to begin with.

a friend called asked me to go in another place to my children as he had something to tell me. He had happened upon the fact that my abusers enablers. (some of my family ) were holding a very public charity event and that the charity benefitting was a men's mental health one , the irony.

Part of me wanted to walk straight into the event and ask them when they started caring about someone's mental health before or after they enabled my abusers and turned a blind eye to physical and sexual abuse , before or after they lied to the police, terrorised me for years and harassed and threatened me, my family,my friends and laughed at my mental health issues
BUT I didn't

Instead I decided to run further and faster away from that show. The performance for the outside world
Absolutely no regrets

Behind those locked gates though of an idyllic country estate is where I used to call home.
I was meant to be safe instead my grandmother emotionally abused and manipulated the children and was prone to physical attacks aswell

I saw my mum and aunts beaten by there husband's or my grandmother
Yet some people think it must of been my grandfather who were bad because it couldn't possibly of been the sweet lady that was the abuser my poor grandfather.

Someone said to me recently why so much anger towards her , because she is responsible for passing on the pain across three generations of our family just because she was abused , she was prostituted. Bitter twisted old lady she were

When I attempted suicide she said I was a weak man to do that to all my family and I needed to pray for myself. I lost count of the amount of times I didn't think I was making it out alive but I am and I'm running with my life , and my children because the pain is not going to be passed onto them

And that's why I didn't go to the event because my baby wanted me to make silly noises to make him laugh and the bigger ones wanted me to taste the cake they made

I'm thankful there's a place like this to put all this and. Get it Out of my head

I'm not asking anyone to solve my issues the ability to write here is enough , anyone listening is enough
Having a voice is enough.

Peace
HL

 

[Rick K]

Hi HL,
You have made some excellent choices but the one I like best is the one to spend time with your kids. I understand what you are saying and I relate to much, if not all, of what you wrote. Remember to take good care of yourself too. Peace to you and for you also.
Rick

 

[Esterio]

Hi HL

Thanks for sharing your struggles. This is a good place to express yourself.

 

[Darren White]

I hear you, I read you, and I understand. You made the choices you needed to make moving forward.

 

[The Bluefoot]

I read it, I listen to it and I understood you. Suicide did not work so you could protect your family and you are doing it now. keep up the good work.

 

[Healing light]

Hi HL,
You have made some excellent choices but the one I like best is the one to spend time with your kids. I understand what you are saying and I relate to much, if not all, of what you wrote. Remember to take good care of yourself too. Peace to you and for you also.
Rick

Thanks for your message Rick it's appreciated
Peace to you to

Hi HL

Thanks for sharing your struggles. This is a good place to express yourself.

Thanks my friend it is , I'm thankful for it your message is appreciated BST

I hear you, I read you, and I understand. You made the choices you needed to make moving forward.

Thanks for your post Darren and for listening

I read it, I listen to it and I understood you. Suicide did not work so you could protect your family and you are doing it now. keep up the good work.

Thanks for your message yeah I'm glad it didn't work.



Really appreciate the support of people who are on there own journeys
I was overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions
Feeling like my truth is being silenced and swept under the carpet again.
But I have realised I'm the one watching there show screaming it's fake , I don't have too though. And I need to stop doing it change the channel

I wonder maybe if I stop silencing myself I will feel better all this stuff in my head that doesn't come out of my mouth but just goes round my head in a loop sometimes

Trigger warning ***


This one time my abuser F was raping me as a teenager and our other adult cousin walked in the room , he just sat down and put the TV on. He says he didn't touch me and he can seemingly live perfectly fine with himself and no he never touched me sexually doesn't make him innocent though
I know he's very pleased with the public display they put on of community spirited Christians.

Boys in our family being abused was ingrained across 3 generations of my family and others. my cousin's teenage son first to disclose and then me , I was followed by multiple others. An intricate web of crimes spanning decades came tumbling down. Beyond what I knew, or expected.

What's left I suppose is us all rebuilding our lives where I want to do that by accepting the truth , my truth and facing it , people like him want to carry on the facade in total denial

Just like the day he walked in the room behaved like nothing was happening.
Just like he no commented his police interview
Do I think my cousin organised a charity event because he cares about anything other than making his self look good nah.

But If he didn't acknowledge my pain at the time he certainly isn't going to now.
. Facing what I already knew deep down is painful if perhaps a little over sensitive

i really appreciate being able to be here.
Amongst fellow survivors

Peace
HL

 

[Visitor]

Amazing HL. So glad you're taking care of yourself and putting your energy into what REALLY matters... your own family. Keep them safe and keep yourself safe.

Your story reminds me of my own but from a different perspective. It was a three generation family of pedophiles that I encountered simply because they lived on three sides of my family home. The home we bought previously was owned by one of three sons. Their father, who lived directly behind the three homes built one for each of his sons. There were no fences so it was like one large compound with outbuildings readily available for "play." It was a Catholic family with a great many children... many of them sons. I only remember boys in fact. When I reached out to the police a couple of years ago the thought was definitely on my mind that those boys likely passed their family disease on to their sons and to boys in other neighborhoods. But all of this happened in the 1940's and I didn't know how to spell the family name. I could have spent some money and done a property search to find the name... and may still do so. More recently, I've entertained the possibility that the son who supposedly defaulted on his mortgage on the home we bought may, in fact, have done so to escape the hold his father had on him. Perhaps he was attempting to get away as you did. That is all fantasy of course. But reading about your experience I'm given insight into the suffering that exists within the family of pedophiles. Of course that would be true... we witness that over and over again as men come here and tell about the insanity they grew up with... grandmother's pimping grandsons... mother's knowing their sons were being sexually used by grandfathers and uncles. What horror exists in the world... horrors we're working hard to keep in the past. Thank you for speaking your truth and helping us see what healing looks like. We do that for one another.

 

[Healing light]

Amazing HL. So glad you're taking care of yourself and putting your energy into what REALLY matters... your own family. Keep them safe and keep yourself safe.

Your story reminds me of my own but from a different perspective. It was a three generation family of pedophiles that I encountered simply because they lived on three sides of my family home. The home we bought previously was owned by one of three sons. Their father, who lived directly behind the three homes built one for each of his sons. There were no fences so it was like one large compound with outbuildings readily available for "play." It was a Catholic family with a great many children... many of them sons. I only remember boys in fact. When I reached out to the police a couple of years ago the thought was definitely on my mind that those boys likely passed their family disease on to their sons and to boys in other neighborhoods. But all of this happened in the 1940's and I didn't know how to spell the family name. I could have spent some money and done a property search to find the name... and may still do so. More recently, I've entertained the possibility that the son who supposedly defaulted on his mortgage on the home we bought may, in fact, have done so to escape the hold his father had on him. Perhaps he was attempting to get away as you did. That is all fantasy of course. But reading about your experience I'm given insight into the suffering that exists within the family of pedophiles. Of course that would be true... we witness that over and over again as men come here and tell about the insanity they grew up with... grandmother's pimping grandsons... mother's knowing their sons were being sexually used by grandfathers and uncles. What horror exists in the world... horrors we're working hard to keep in the past. Thank you for speaking your truth and helping us see what healing looks like. We do that for one another.

Thanks for sharing and for your message
I hope maybe that son got away like I did. There are many similarities.

My car remains on what was my late grandparents land it's just behind the gates I left it there the night before I disclosed. I will never set foot beyond those gates to get it , I don't want it.
Like that son left the house
Those things become irrelevant. I'm sorry for what you faced by encountering the family that you did



we were a very large extended family unit my grandfather was very proud to be able to provide a home. My grandmother was controlling though of her children and all the children my mum had to ask her permission to take us places
when my father died my mum managed to talk her into letting her move to a house more suitable for my disabled brother . my mum managed to get my youngest two siblings mostly out made a happy home and give them a better life than us older ones and I'm thankful for that sadly I was already in the grips of my one of my abusers F after years of grooming. I spent my teenage years between where ever F was living , my mum's and a squat up in the local town when I ran away that's where my life changed forever more, the people I met there I wouldn't of made it this far without them.

I totally respect the annonimity of my fellow survivors so I'm careful with what I say but the ripples of intergenerational abuse are massive wide spread and devastating

Sometimes I wonder what makes some people pass on the pain. But I know I will never get it.

I agree the world is full of horrors.
we each have our truths , that we carry, each survivors story is horrific. Because it didn't have to happen to me or anyone else.

I'm extremely blessed to be able to concentrate on my own little family , and that friends close ranks around us were safe.
After years of aiming to stay alive I want to aim to live.

Maybe I need these reminders of exactly why I ran to begin with. And why I should never look back for too long

I appreciate your messages , wishing you peace in your healing

HL

 

[Darren White]

I totally respect the annonimity of my fellow survivors so I'm careful with what I say but the ripples of intergenerational abuse are massive wide spread and devastating

I completely understand this. It was woven through my family as well. Via grandfather (and earlier generations) to mother. I can't speculate about the reasons why, I don't know enough about it. But it stops with me.

 

[Healing light]

I completely understand this. It was woven through my family as well. Via grandfather (and earlier generations) to mother. I can't speculate about the reasons why, I don't know enough about it. But it stops with me.

I'm with you Darren, it stops with me too.

Peace to you
HL

 

[Jim1104]

We are here to listen. By the way, I think you must have had a better time playing with the kids.

 

[Visitor]

HL.. I think about our former companion SinkingBackIntoTheOcean who lives or lived in Croatia. He was suicidal and left suddenly. I miss him. Reading more deeply into your story, Darren's story as well as others who come to Male Survivor breaks my heart. There is nothing to be gained by comparing stories but it feels important to understand the depth of pain that exists from the horror of sexual, emotional and physical trauma. The earlier it happens, the deeper the wound since we were never able to find security in ourselves or safety in the world. From those early days we are eternally left to make it up on our own, using dissociation and compliance to survive... either that or some form of acting out that can easily lead to lives ending early and violently. It feels so important that we keep talking about these experiences. It seems as we do so things become clearer and it becomes easier to move beyond the past... to live in this moment as you're doing with your family. Deep respect HL. Thanks for sharing your experience. You're a good man.

 

[Healing light]

We are here to listen. By the way, I think you must have had a better time playing with the kids.

Thanks Jim
Yeah definitely did.

Besides I'd of only been told , I'm starting trouble, I'm unstable and acting irrational . That's what is usually said when I tell the truth.
Peace to you thanks for listening

HL.. I think about our former companion SinkingBackIntoTheOcean who lives or lived in Croatia. He was suicidal and left suddenly. I miss him. Reading more deeply into your story, Darren's story as well as others who come to Male Survivor breaks my heart. There is nothing to be gained by comparing stories but it feels important to understand the depth of pain that exists from the horror of sexual, emotional and physical trauma. The earlier it happens, the deeper the wound since we were never able to find security in ourselves or safety in the world. From those early days we are eternally left to make it up on our own, using dissociation and compliance to survive... either that or some form of acting out that can easily lead to lives ending early and violently. It feels so important that we keep talking about these experiences. It seems as we do so things become clearer and it becomes easier to move beyond the past... to live in this moment as you're doing with your family. Deep respect HL. Thanks for sharing your experience. You're a good man.

Thanks for your message it's really appreciated

I have been reading about baby's development recently( as I have a baby) its actually very interesting. My baby born last year speaks 4 words that makes sense but he's always trying to engage with me it fascinates me
made me wonder again about my own early years and the impact of that.

I have certainly experienced disassociation, compliance and , acting out along with addiction
I perceive rejection easily certainly the outright rejection of my father impacted upon that
Some of my first memories are of abuse

talking about things does help them become clearer expressing feelings helps to process them I appreciate the ability to do that here in a constructive way
The urge to drink a bottle of vodka and forget it all is there right now but I come here instead

when names disappear it does impact, make you wonder then I always hope for the best for them whilst knowing this world is a cruel one even if I don't like that fact

thanks again peace and respect
HL

 

[Visitor]

I bought a bottle of single malt Scotch whisky two weeks ago and it sits unopened in my cabinet. When I bought it my plan was to open it that evening and have a few glasses. I did something I've never done before. I turned to the photo you see on the left which I have taped to the bottom of my computer and asked the little boy if it was okay for me to have some whisky. He said a silent no. I've committed myself to not abandoning that frightened child again, if I can help it. So I have multiple copies of that photo around my home and taped below the radio in my car. When I consider him I'm a much more courteous driver and as I said, that bottle of whisky is still sealed. We'll see what happens. You have a real little boy in your life who reminds you what is important... and it isn't drinking a bottle of alcohol... We're doing it my friend, for the little boys in our lives.