My introduction to the group
Hello everyone. I just found this site today, and thought I'd introduce myself. I am so glad to see other men can relate to me. My experience is that it's probably best to not share this with too many people. I lost every girlfriend - not many in my life - with whom I shared things about my past. I finally realize they cannot forgive me, and I only humiliate myself trying to be forgiven by them.
It's probably best to start with what led me to seeking out this site. I recently destroyed every social connection I had in my last attempt to be forgiven by another. I was sent away to a military school when I was 12, and spent the year being beaten multiple times a day, and molested by my room mate. There was no room in the building with kids my age, so I was with the 15,16,and 17 year old boys. I moved back with my mother the next school year. I didn't talk to anyone for a year, except to be as rude and disrespectful to most authority figures I came across. I was too ashamed of myself to date in high school, and too embarrassed to date in college. But when one woman express strong interest I was so full of self hatred, anger shame,and FEAR I trashed my apartment, and created an episode that landed me in jail for 9 days. Never tell a cop to blow you. Trust me. I signed myself into a hospital for evaluation. All charges were dropped. I went back to college, but couldn't function. I eventually drove of the week before my last finals.
I moved 3000 miles away to get a new start. Almost got married, but my intuition told me to break things up before I lost myself. I have been high since I was 12. I have used various drugs, even to the state of psychosis - see above. I literally keep myself inside most of the time avoiding my fears. I have reduced my life to the bottom, and have forgotten how to move forward. I did finish my degree last year - yes the GPA was shattered. Now what? I have so many body issues I have a hard time touching and being touched - these both are an important part of being human. Ihad a similar flashback recently, but I was mostly in control - except my anger was probably too intense. I hate every part of my life accept the hope I have for my future. I sabatage everything good in my life, and always find myself back at this point. Alone, and wanting to move somewhere nobody knows me. The sad thing is my lack of job skills, and the fact that dealing with being polite(includes pretending things aren't the way they are) makes me sick . I don't know what to do. I am facing my addiction, and seeking training in a field where I'm not embarrassed to say what I do for a living.
At this moment I feel okay, but the last month I've been on the crisis line, and planning my escape to somewhere else. The realization is I need to start here, and now. But when I look at all that I've lost I wonder why bother. Would I want to impose myself on a potential wife. I told my last girlfriend I was damage beyaond repair, and that she should find someone who would make her happy. She did, and we're still friends. Correction: she didn't walk out of my life when I told her. Well, I guess I could be more organized in my writing and more articulate as well.
Final questions:
1. Does anybody have the experience of actually overcoming this destructive way of living? The working hard, the accomplishing something, the destroying it all, and doing it all over again.
2. Has anyone overcome the touching and being touched issues to the point where they feel compfortable in their sexuality? I still always feel shame, and dirty. If it makes me feel good I have to be evil.
I'm pushing 40, and am suprised that I actually have the desire to move forward, and not cave in on myself again. I've barely considered suicide in the last month. A couple of years ago I literally had it all planned out. I wish I could understand why I always stay stuck at the some level -failure. Self image stuff I'm sure. Thaks for reading this far.
It's probably best to start with what led me to seeking out this site. I recently destroyed every social connection I had in my last attempt to be forgiven by another. I was sent away to a military school when I was 12, and spent the year being beaten multiple times a day, and molested by my room mate. There was no room in the building with kids my age, so I was with the 15,16,and 17 year old boys. I moved back with my mother the next school year. I didn't talk to anyone for a year, except to be as rude and disrespectful to most authority figures I came across. I was too ashamed of myself to date in high school, and too embarrassed to date in college. But when one woman express strong interest I was so full of self hatred, anger shame,and FEAR I trashed my apartment, and created an episode that landed me in jail for 9 days. Never tell a cop to blow you. Trust me. I signed myself into a hospital for evaluation. All charges were dropped. I went back to college, but couldn't function. I eventually drove of the week before my last finals.
I moved 3000 miles away to get a new start. Almost got married, but my intuition told me to break things up before I lost myself. I have been high since I was 12. I have used various drugs, even to the state of psychosis - see above. I literally keep myself inside most of the time avoiding my fears. I have reduced my life to the bottom, and have forgotten how to move forward. I did finish my degree last year - yes the GPA was shattered. Now what? I have so many body issues I have a hard time touching and being touched - these both are an important part of being human. Ihad a similar flashback recently, but I was mostly in control - except my anger was probably too intense. I hate every part of my life accept the hope I have for my future. I sabatage everything good in my life, and always find myself back at this point. Alone, and wanting to move somewhere nobody knows me. The sad thing is my lack of job skills, and the fact that dealing with being polite(includes pretending things aren't the way they are) makes me sick . I don't know what to do. I am facing my addiction, and seeking training in a field where I'm not embarrassed to say what I do for a living.
At this moment I feel okay, but the last month I've been on the crisis line, and planning my escape to somewhere else. The realization is I need to start here, and now. But when I look at all that I've lost I wonder why bother. Would I want to impose myself on a potential wife. I told my last girlfriend I was damage beyaond repair, and that she should find someone who would make her happy. She did, and we're still friends. Correction: she didn't walk out of my life when I told her. Well, I guess I could be more organized in my writing and more articulate as well.
Final questions:
1. Does anybody have the experience of actually overcoming this destructive way of living? The working hard, the accomplishing something, the destroying it all, and doing it all over again.
2. Has anyone overcome the touching and being touched issues to the point where they feel compfortable in their sexuality? I still always feel shame, and dirty. If it makes me feel good I have to be evil.
I'm pushing 40, and am suprised that I actually have the desire to move forward, and not cave in on myself again. I've barely considered suicide in the last month. A couple of years ago I literally had it all planned out. I wish I could understand why I always stay stuck at the some level -failure. Self image stuff I'm sure. Thaks for reading this far.
). What we CAN do, and in many ways, it's harder, is control what we do NOW, THIS SECOND.
