my introduction (long post, possible triggers)
I dont know if I should be posting here or not. Ive ended up here though...maybe even been led here. Maybe I was meant to find this place, maybe not...I dont know if I was actually abused or not. There may be triggers in here too, I dont know yet.
My ex abused me, I know that for certain - he frequently exposed me to graphic porn I didnt like, and fondled and groped and molested me almost on a regular basis. If I didnt let him have his way, I didnt love him. He could notice other attractive people, mostly women but sometimes men, while I was often afraid to even make eye contact with other people. Once he definitely raped me, I didnt want him on me and didnt feel I could say no, and afterwards I felt used and violated, and I was even more afraid of him. So many times in ten years that we had sex, I dont know how often I really wanted it, and how often maybe...I was just doing what he expected of me. I have no idea. I just know I was attracted to him physically for a while, then I wasnt, then it was torture when hed touch me, then I was finally free, then I didnt want to have anything to do with another person again, didnt want to be touched ever again, felt nothing when I was touched. But thats not all from a sexually abusive reaction, I was severely traumatized in many other ways by him, and really by others long before him, and nearly a year later Im beginning to recover.
Not long after it ended, I began to write again. Eventually I started writing a story that included a character whod just appeared out of nowhere and turned out to be very dynamic, very interesting. I researched a lot to learn more about him, and soon found myself reading about relationships, and abuse, and how to recognize abusive relationships.
The notion that I was in such a relationship had crossed my mind many times over the years, but he never hit me so it couldnt have been abuse...and even if it was, at least I wasnt alone, someone apparently did find me worthy enough to spend his life with, and he was always saying he loved me so much anyway.
As I read the warning signs, the notion once again took hold, and wouldnt leave this time - and several months later, I finally fully realized and acknowledged that I had been in a domestic abuse situation, and indeed had been abused nearly all my life. I was so used to it, it was normal for me...so Id never noticed it. Thought I had, but tended to shrug it off, Id just been mistaken. Turns out, I hadnt been mistaken. Id been right about something after all. That felt strange. At least Ive been able to get help for the initial recovery.
That particular character had also been molested as a child, so I read up on male SA survivors. For some reason though, I mostly just skimmed that information. Something in me didnt want to look at it...I ignored it, and ignored that, almost as though I didnt want to admit to myself that I was ignoring it...didnt want myself to find out I was, or something.
Thered been that time when I was in third grade, and the neighbor kid wanted oral sex from me nearly every day for a long time, I dont know how long...but that was so long ago, it didnt bother me, Id liked it anyway and besides, he was only a few years older than me at the time, and I looked forward to it. Somebody wanted to play with me, at a time when I had no friends. It was supposed to be a secret too...and I know thats the reason why Im unable to enjoy a sexual encounter myself, I only get gratification when I give a guy oral sex, then lay on my back or stomach like Im expected to, whichever he wants, until hes done. The idea that Im there too, sex and making love are meant to be mutual, is difficult for me to comprehend. I dont count, I never have, my feelings dont matter, his pleasure is all thats important.
I know where that comes from.
But Ive been over it for a very long time....
At least, I think I have.
Now, Im not so sure. Ive ignored it for so long...I have no desire to confront it, and I dont know if its because I really am over it, or just afraid of it. It keeps floating to the surface though...so Im not sure. Part of me even wonders if Im just trying to fit in again...he was merely my first boyfriend or whatever...and Im just saying I was molested, even though I was never touched, just so I can fit in somewhere.
Im still pretty sure Im gay, that Im attracted to masculinity and just understand the appreciation for femininity, that I want to spend my life with a man - if and when I can someday trust one - and that sex with a woman isnt appealing in any way at all...except now, to reproduce because I think maybe I want to have a family...and maybe want to be a man someday, a husband and father and provider...or maybe its just the midlife crisis creeping up on me early...or maybe somethings been uncovered, the surface has been scratched and theres something else under there that maybe should be excavated...or maybe not, maybe its better left alone.
I simply dont know. I dont feel like its right to post here...I wasnt traumatized, the experiences werent violent, we were just kids being kids, or something...and I guess Im still doubting my gut feelings, even though I try not to. Ive been right about having been abused at other times in my life, but am I right about this too...and if I am, why dont I want to admit it? I dont know if I want to know the answer.
My ex abused me, I know that for certain - he frequently exposed me to graphic porn I didnt like, and fondled and groped and molested me almost on a regular basis. If I didnt let him have his way, I didnt love him. He could notice other attractive people, mostly women but sometimes men, while I was often afraid to even make eye contact with other people. Once he definitely raped me, I didnt want him on me and didnt feel I could say no, and afterwards I felt used and violated, and I was even more afraid of him. So many times in ten years that we had sex, I dont know how often I really wanted it, and how often maybe...I was just doing what he expected of me. I have no idea. I just know I was attracted to him physically for a while, then I wasnt, then it was torture when hed touch me, then I was finally free, then I didnt want to have anything to do with another person again, didnt want to be touched ever again, felt nothing when I was touched. But thats not all from a sexually abusive reaction, I was severely traumatized in many other ways by him, and really by others long before him, and nearly a year later Im beginning to recover.
Not long after it ended, I began to write again. Eventually I started writing a story that included a character whod just appeared out of nowhere and turned out to be very dynamic, very interesting. I researched a lot to learn more about him, and soon found myself reading about relationships, and abuse, and how to recognize abusive relationships.
The notion that I was in such a relationship had crossed my mind many times over the years, but he never hit me so it couldnt have been abuse...and even if it was, at least I wasnt alone, someone apparently did find me worthy enough to spend his life with, and he was always saying he loved me so much anyway.
As I read the warning signs, the notion once again took hold, and wouldnt leave this time - and several months later, I finally fully realized and acknowledged that I had been in a domestic abuse situation, and indeed had been abused nearly all my life. I was so used to it, it was normal for me...so Id never noticed it. Thought I had, but tended to shrug it off, Id just been mistaken. Turns out, I hadnt been mistaken. Id been right about something after all. That felt strange. At least Ive been able to get help for the initial recovery.
That particular character had also been molested as a child, so I read up on male SA survivors. For some reason though, I mostly just skimmed that information. Something in me didnt want to look at it...I ignored it, and ignored that, almost as though I didnt want to admit to myself that I was ignoring it...didnt want myself to find out I was, or something.
Thered been that time when I was in third grade, and the neighbor kid wanted oral sex from me nearly every day for a long time, I dont know how long...but that was so long ago, it didnt bother me, Id liked it anyway and besides, he was only a few years older than me at the time, and I looked forward to it. Somebody wanted to play with me, at a time when I had no friends. It was supposed to be a secret too...and I know thats the reason why Im unable to enjoy a sexual encounter myself, I only get gratification when I give a guy oral sex, then lay on my back or stomach like Im expected to, whichever he wants, until hes done. The idea that Im there too, sex and making love are meant to be mutual, is difficult for me to comprehend. I dont count, I never have, my feelings dont matter, his pleasure is all thats important.
I know where that comes from.
But Ive been over it for a very long time....
At least, I think I have.
Now, Im not so sure. Ive ignored it for so long...I have no desire to confront it, and I dont know if its because I really am over it, or just afraid of it. It keeps floating to the surface though...so Im not sure. Part of me even wonders if Im just trying to fit in again...he was merely my first boyfriend or whatever...and Im just saying I was molested, even though I was never touched, just so I can fit in somewhere.
Im still pretty sure Im gay, that Im attracted to masculinity and just understand the appreciation for femininity, that I want to spend my life with a man - if and when I can someday trust one - and that sex with a woman isnt appealing in any way at all...except now, to reproduce because I think maybe I want to have a family...and maybe want to be a man someday, a husband and father and provider...or maybe its just the midlife crisis creeping up on me early...or maybe somethings been uncovered, the surface has been scratched and theres something else under there that maybe should be excavated...or maybe not, maybe its better left alone.
I simply dont know. I dont feel like its right to post here...I wasnt traumatized, the experiences werent violent, we were just kids being kids, or something...and I guess Im still doubting my gut feelings, even though I try not to. Ive been right about having been abused at other times in my life, but am I right about this too...and if I am, why dont I want to admit it? I dont know if I want to know the answer.