My introduction- I thought I was Dumb

My introduction- I thought I was Dumb
Hi I'm Jake. I am a wrestling coach and teacher. I posted on here just a few times. I didn't think I belonged here. I lost my virginity with my best friend from my wrestling team when I was just 15. We helped a divoced woman in her house. She gave us beer and made us wrestle in our underwear. We then had sex with her. I have told a few people now about it. Every single guy I tell says "score" or "that is a dream come true" or "you should send that to Penthouse Forums". No one ever thinks of it as a type of molestation. I was really young. At times I was scared. She bled at times from us penetrating her together. But she would not stop us. After it was over she would sometimes cry. I then felt I was the one hurting her. During the sessions she would smack my chest, face and butt.She did the same with my buddy.
He and I never discussed it. We just would meet at midnight and walk to her house. We did it all summer. I think we just thought we were becoming men. I have been around many boys naked but being sexual in front of my best friend was strange. I truly believe that summer experience fed my need for group sex.
At the end of that summer, I walked into my house. My older brother was about to go away to college. I went to go in his room. He was having sex with his girlfriend whom he was leaving for school. I watched them. They were tender. They said nice words to each other. They didn;t hurt each other. When it got rough he asked her if it felt good. I stood there in awe. My brother was a huge bodybuilder type but he was so gentle with his girlfriend. Just the way he held her in his arms I knew he loved her. I never told anyone I witnessed that. That I invaded his privacy. I am kind of glad I did. It showed me sex with love and something to strive for. He was tough on me with sports and lifting weights but I guess that was for my own good. I didn't know he was a gentle guy too.
I sometimes get mad at myself for giving into that woman. I could have said screw this I am out of here. She didn't tie us down. We were dominate on her yet she had the power. She barked orders to us. She called me a dumb kid with a great body & a big dick when she was drunk. I wish I was smarter. I guess I am dumb in some ways.
I never had a real girlfriend in high school. I just had sex with anyone I wanted. The wrestling team would have partys and that also fed my addiction to group sex.
I made a pornographic movie when I was 17 years old. I was in LA for the summer (visiting my brother) and I just did it on a lark. I still thought I was being a man and showing off my body and dick. That was my awakening. The whole experience was creepy not glamorous. I met a guy my age and a girl and 40 minutes later we were all having sex. The "director" was degrading to us all and I felt like I was back in that Lady's bedroom all over again. I confided in my brother and he was ashamed that I did it but then we communicated openly. He told me all of the things I didn't know such as people will use guys like us because of our body type and that when he was 15 he slept over his buddy's house and his friend's dad tried to do something sexual to him when he was getting out of the shower. He told me I had to always be on guard at partys, the gym, everywhere. He was sorry he didn;t talk tome before. He said I looked so confident he didn't think I would be nieve.
I didn't know the power of sex. I didn't know people use it as power over others.
Well, that's me. If this is too much I am sorry. It feels good to get this out of my system.
I know I am not the smartest man. Many people have siad my brains are in my muscles. But at least I learned from my mistakes. But I am haunted by them at times.
Jake
 
Abuse comes in many different shapes and that women was truely abuseing you two. Most guys who are abused by women don't know how to react to what happened. There never look at it as abuse.

Jake you are begining to understand this issues . Lots of help here for you healing journay. Tom
 
Jake, I am addicted to the gym and I guess I will never quit trying to maintain a bodybuilder image just because I have felt like it would make me appear more confident like no one would molest a guy like that, but like your brother said it actually attracts attention and can put you in some strange situations.

For your post; it took a brave man to come forward and talk about what haunts you. It is in the past and you are obviously trying to deal with it and that is again something that takes courage. Most guys would brag about something like that and for you to have remorse it proves you have a heart and you care about others.

I don't know how old you were but you were in school so it was abuse cut and dry. Taking a young boy full of raging hormons and subjecting them to or tempting them with sex is not something most guys can turn away from so don't go so hard on yourself.

Glad to have you here, thanks for sharing your story with us. Keep coming back the guys here are great and they care about what happens to you.
 
Jake,

What you are describing is the essence of abuse: someone older and more powerful exploiting a younger impressionable kid for the sake of their own jollies. I'm really sorry this happened to you. You should understand that these early experiences can really mess up a boy and can shape how he thinks and reacts to sex in later years.

In a way it was good you saw your brother and his girlfriend. Okay, not ideal, but it did show you what sex should really be about. It's also such a cool thing that when you confided in him he understood you and tried to help you see things for how they really are. He sounds like a good brother.

You aren't dumb because these things happened to you bro. Almost any guy here would tell you similar stories about not understanding what was happening and what it meant. That's why the abuse of a kid is such a terrible thing.

If anything I see you as quite brave for coming forward with all this so soon after your arrival here. It shows you understand what needing help is all about, and that, my friend, takes courage AND intelligence.

Much love,
Larry
 
Am I allowed to say and share anything that is part of my past or will I get into trouble?
Jake
 
Jake,

I am not sure if this shortcut will work but this is the discussion board guidlines link. It should tell you what you can and can't say.

Glad to have ya,


https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005143
 
Dodge,

Welcome aboard...I read your post tonight and I'm still thinking about it, but I wanted to say hi.

I hope by your nick you are a fellow Mopar fan. Challenger was nice but give me a 68 Cuda any day.
 
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