My "Icky" Part (Trigger Warning)

My "Icky" Part (Trigger Warning)

NAM

Registrant
Hello Brothers,

I’ve been a member of this group for a while now, chatted with a few great guys and posted a little. Today I’ve decided to post a little more of my story. Maybe it will help if others can relate.

To give some background, I grew up in a family with one sister, only girl cousins and aunts, for most of my childhood. Being the only boy, I guess I kind of felt singled out a lot, not having anyone to relate to.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and my mom had full custody. We moved in with my mom’s sister and she would watch my sister and I when my mom went to work. My mom left my aunt to basically raise us as her job required her to travel for weeks at a time. I was given a bath by her almost every night.

TRIGGER WARNING!

The first time my aunt went to bathe me. She led me to the bathroom and turned the water on. She told me to take my clothes off but right before I got to my underwear I stopped. I asked her to leave and she said I couldn’t do it myself and then she swiftly pulled my underwear off. I tried to cover myself and she forced my hands away after I got into the tub and proceeded by her laughingly saying, “is that little thing the reason you’re so embarrassed?” I remember feeling like everything was a blur and being frozen. I still have this sick feeling when I think about it.

She soaped up my body using her hands and a wash cloth and spent a very long time on my private parts.

She told me she needed to clean under my skin (I’m uncircumcised) and I didn’t know what she was talking about and despite me telling her how much it hurt, she pulled the skin back all the way. I felt this stinging pain, because that had never been done before. I was super sensitive and I was squirming while she was rubbing the washcloth around the head.

I know this is probably too much info but, I have never talked about this and it feels somewhat relieving to bring it up now.

She scrubbed through all of my shuddering and resistance. It hurt and it was embarrassing. She said it only hurt because I don’t clean it properly, with her sadistic tone she always had.

She then started on about how my mom should have just had my skin cut off “here” as she pinched the tip of my foreskin between her index and middle finger, making a scissor hand gesture. She said it would be so much cleaner without it. She then started to call it my “icky” part because it could never be clean enough to her satisfaction. So, I grew up being fed that it was this dirty, extra piece. And I’m still very insecure about it.

Next time she wanted to give me a bath I protested and she said, “ok then your “thing” is going to get dirty and we’ll have to cut the “icky” part off, do you want that?” She said that whenever I didn’t want a bath from her.

Writing this, I’m just so shocked at how forward she was about it. I think she liked to humiliate me.

I always tried to brace myself before she’d yank my foreskin back. She’d pin it back far, like farther than I’d go today, pinching the skin, and keep it like that for what felt like an eternity. Afterwards my testicles would ache and the tip of my penis would sting. I remember it being bright red.

She always made comments if there was any small amount of debris or buildup while scrunching up her nose. She’d tell me I wasn’t keeping my “thing” clean and what did I tell you about your “icky” part? And that she was going to talk to my mom about it. (Not sure if that ever happened). She was rough with it. She would then scratch it off with her nails like it was a stain on a shirt. Today I hate seeing any woman with long nails, it reminds me of that. I hate her so much, and I hate how she treated a sensitive part of me. I grew to hate being uncut BECAUSE OF HER.

Later on, erections started to happen when my aunt was “cleaning” my penis vigorously. She’d laugh and tease me about it. I would tell her to stop and she’d say, “Why, are you enjoying it? Boy’s things only get big if they enjoy it.” I remember crying and then was told that I needed to learn to control my “thing” as she continued to fondle me and giggle.

There was no one in the house except for us and my sister who thought it was hilarious and would sometimes watch. My aunt would also invite her friends over and she’d talk to them while bathing me, like it was no big deal. My “unusual” penis almost always got brought up. A friend of hers said something like, “Oh he still has the skin there? That's strange.”

It wasn’t bad enough to feel like there was something wrong with my penis, but to have my sister and older women watch and laugh still makes me sick to my stomach. I think I need to stop here. I have much more I can go into but, I'll just pause right now and save it for another day.

Thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Feel free to reach out directly, I'm always open to chat. I feel it helps with my recovery to put it out there and hear that I'm not alone.

Take care of yourselves brothers.
 
@NAM I am so sorry you experienced this. You said it correctly: she was a sadist.

You won’t get that treatment here. We understand, we feel for you and we cry with you.

Always remember:
You are worthy of love & respect.

I’m sorry.

Joe
 
100% what Joe said. So sorry man. She fed you lies and embedded them deeply into your young mind. Horrible. I totally get why you hate her.

Glad it helps to write it out, but understand the emotions can build up when you do. Share more at your own time and speed @NAM.
 
Hi NAM,

So sorry to hear that happened to you, my father used to watch me in the shower and stare at my penis and it's affected me too.

Take care.
 
Hello Brothers,

I’ve been a member of this group for a while now, chatted with a few great guys and posted a little. Today I’ve decided to post a little more of my story. Maybe it will help if others can relate.

To give some background, I grew up in a family with one sister, only girl cousins and aunts, for most of my childhood. Being the only boy, I guess I kind of felt singled out a lot, not having anyone to relate to.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and my mom had full custody. We moved in with my mom’s sister and she would watch my sister and I when my mom went to work. My mom left my aunt to basically raise us as her job required her to travel for weeks at a time. I was given a bath by her almost every night.

TRIGGER WARNING!

The first time my aunt went to bathe me. She led me to the bathroom and turned the water on. She told me to take my clothes off but right before I got to my underwear I stopped. I asked her to leave and she said I couldn’t do it myself and then she swiftly pulled my underwear off. I tried to cover myself and she forced my hands away after I got into the tub and proceeded by her laughingly saying, “is that little thing the reason you’re so embarrassed?” I remember feeling like everything was a blur and being frozen. I still have this sick feeling when I think about it.

She soaped up my body using her hands and a wash cloth and spent a very long time on my private parts.

She told me she needed to clean under my skin (I’m uncircumcised) and I didn’t know what she was talking about and despite me telling her how much it hurt, she pulled the skin back all the way. I felt this stinging pain, because that had never been done before. I was super sensitive and I was squirming while she was rubbing the washcloth around the head.

I know this is probably too much info but, I have never talked about this and it feels somewhat relieving to bring it up now.

She scrubbed through all of my shuddering and resistance. It hurt and it was embarrassing. She said it only hurt because I don’t clean it properly, with her sadistic tone she always had.

She then started on about how my mom should have just had my skin cut off “here” as she pinched the tip of my foreskin between her index and middle finger, making a scissor hand gesture. She said it would be so much cleaner without it. She then started to call it my “icky” part because it could never be clean enough to her satisfaction. So, I grew up being fed that it was this dirty, extra piece. And I’m still very insecure about it.

Next time she wanted to give me a bath I protested and she said, “ok then your “thing” is going to get dirty and we’ll have to cut the “icky” part off, do you want that?” She said that whenever I didn’t want a bath from her.

Writing this, I’m just so shocked at how forward she was about it. I think she liked to humiliate me.

I always tried to brace myself before she’d yank my foreskin back. She’d pin it back far, like farther than I’d go today, pinching the skin, and keep it like that for what felt like an eternity. Afterwards my testicles would ache and the tip of my penis would sting. I remember it being bright red.

She always made comments if there was any small amount of debris or buildup while scrunching up her nose. She’d tell me I wasn’t keeping my “thing” clean and what did I tell you about your “icky” part? And that she was going to talk to my mom about it. (Not sure if that ever happened). She was rough with it. She would then scratch it off with her nails like it was a stain on a shirt. Today I hate seeing any woman with long nails, it reminds me of that. I hate her so much, and I hate how she treated a sensitive part of me. I grew to hate being uncut BECAUSE OF HER.

Later on, erections started to happen when my aunt was “cleaning” my penis vigorously. She’d laugh and tease me about it. I would tell her to stop and she’d say, “Why, are you enjoying it? Boy’s things only get big if they enjoy it.” I remember crying and then was told that I needed to learn to control my “thing” as she continued to fondle me and giggle.

There was no one in the house except for us and my sister who thought it was hilarious and would sometimes watch. My aunt would also invite her friends over and she’d talk to them while bathing me, like it was no big deal. My “unusual” penis almost always got brought up. A friend of hers said something like, “Oh he still has the skin there? That's strange.”

It wasn’t bad enough to feel like there was something wrong with my penis, but to have my sister and older women watch and laugh still makes me sick to my stomach. I think I need to stop here. I have much more I can go into but, I'll just pause right now and save it for another day.

Thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Feel free to reach out directly, I'm always open to chat. I feel it helps with my recovery to put it out there and hear that I'm not alone.

Take care of yourselves brothers.
That is beyond what words can describe it is so horrible. My heart goes out to you. I've been circumcised, and wish I were not. My glans is so darn itchy all the time, has been ever since I've been about 10? never stops, always grabbing and scratching there. I'm sure people have seen me because I do it so often. Thats frustrating too. but for you, hugs!
 
Hello Brothers,

I’ve been a member of this group for a while now, chatted with a few great guys and posted a little. Today I’ve decided to post a little more of my story. Maybe it will help if others can relate.

To give some background, I grew up in a family with one sister, only girl cousins and aunts, for most of my childhood. Being the only boy, I guess I kind of felt singled out a lot, not having anyone to relate to.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and my mom had full custody. We moved in with my mom’s sister and she would watch my sister and I when my mom went to work. My mom left my aunt to basically raise us as her job required her to travel for weeks at a time. I was given a bath by her almost every night.

TRIGGER WARNING!

The first time my aunt went to bathe me. She led me to the bathroom and turned the water on. She told me to take my clothes off but right before I got to my underwear I stopped. I asked her to leave and she said I couldn’t do it myself and then she swiftly pulled my underwear off. I tried to cover myself and she forced my hands away after I got into the tub and proceeded by her laughingly saying, “is that little thing the reason you’re so embarrassed?” I remember feeling like everything was a blur and being frozen. I still have this sick feeling when I think about it.

She soaped up my body using her hands and a wash cloth and spent a very long time on my private parts.

She told me she needed to clean under my skin (I’m uncircumcised) and I didn’t know what she was talking about and despite me telling her how much it hurt, she pulled the skin back all the way. I felt this stinging pain, because that had never been done before. I was super sensitive and I was squirming while she was rubbing the washcloth around the head.

I know this is probably too much info but, I have never talked about this and it feels somewhat relieving to bring it up now.

She scrubbed through all of my shuddering and resistance. It hurt and it was embarrassing. She said it only hurt because I don’t clean it properly, with her sadistic tone she always had.

She then started on about how my mom should have just had my skin cut off “here” as she pinched the tip of my foreskin between her index and middle finger, making a scissor hand gesture. She said it would be so much cleaner without it. She then started to call it my “icky” part because it could never be clean enough to her satisfaction. So, I grew up being fed that it was this dirty, extra piece. And I’m still very insecure about it.

Next time she wanted to give me a bath I protested and she said, “ok then your “thing” is going to get dirty and we’ll have to cut the “icky” part off, do you want that?” She said that whenever I didn’t want a bath from her.

Writing this, I’m just so shocked at how forward she was about it. I think she liked to humiliate me.

I always tried to brace myself before she’d yank my foreskin back. She’d pin it back far, like farther than I’d go today, pinching the skin, and keep it like that for what felt like an eternity. Afterwards my testicles would ache and the tip of my penis would sting. I remember it being bright red.

She always made comments if there was any small amount of debris or buildup while scrunching up her nose. She’d tell me I wasn’t keeping my “thing” clean and what did I tell you about your “icky” part? And that she was going to talk to my mom about it. (Not sure if that ever happened). She was rough with it. She would then scratch it off with her nails like it was a stain on a shirt. Today I hate seeing any woman with long nails, it reminds me of that. I hate her so much, and I hate how she treated a sensitive part of me. I grew to hate being uncut BECAUSE OF HER.

Later on, erections started to happen when my aunt was “cleaning” my penis vigorously. She’d laugh and tease me about it. I would tell her to stop and she’d say, “Why, are you enjoying it? Boy’s things only get big if they enjoy it.” I remember crying and then was told that I needed to learn to control my “thing” as she continued to fondle me and giggle.

There was no one in the house except for us and my sister who thought it was hilarious and would sometimes watch. My aunt would also invite her friends over and she’d talk to them while bathing me, like it was no big deal. My “unusual” penis almost always got brought up. A friend of hers said something like, “Oh he still has the skin there? That's strange.”

It wasn’t bad enough to feel like there was something wrong with my penis, but to have my sister and older women watch and laugh still makes me sick to my stomach. I think I need to stop here. I have much more I can go into but, I'll just pause right now and save it for another day.

Thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Feel free to reach out directly, I'm always open to chat. I feel it helps with my recovery to put it out there and hear that I'm not alone.

Take care of yourselves brothers.

I'm so sorry! That is sexual torture.

I don't know if it helps anyone, but my I'll share my experience:

**TW**

I was 8 when my teacher first molested me. She once forced intercourse on me at school. Afterwards she led me to the staff bathroom (where we would be alone), took my clothes back off, then her own.

She made me watch as she washed herself off. Then had me face the sink so she could clean her smell off my penis. She was really, grossly thorough. I felt so fucked up, which I recognize today as dissociation. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

It can still trigger me even today, but it gets easier.

It wasn't my fault. It wasn't yours.

You're not alone.
 
I'm sorry you experienced those things @NAM. No boy should have to go through such demeaning experiences. We hear many such stories on this website, perhaps because we know we are talking with men who won't judge us. We're all here to heal from the trauma we experienced as boys. It is remarkably sad that family members do such things to children in their charge. Of course, we end up feeling shame and then carry the memories all by ourselves... which is why it is so wonderful that Male Survivor exists. Here we can tell the truth and receive support. We're not alone with it any longer. Thanks for sharing what happened to you. All the best on your healing journey.
 
She made me watch as she washed herself off. Then had me face the sink so she could clean her smell off my penis. She was really, grossly thorough. I felt so fucked up, which I recognize today as dissociation. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

It can still trigger me even today, but it gets easier.

It wasn't my fault. It wasn't yours.

You're not alone.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I think I do know what you mean by dissociation. I felt as if I was detached from my body, just blindly following orders. Not thinking that I had a choice. Much like your situation, she was an adult that I was supposed to listen to her. And yes the triggers are hard to get over. The smallest things on TV can set it off for me. Hope you're healing well.
 
Oh my God I have a lot of similar experiences to this! I hope it can help you to know you aren't alone in these pretty similar experiences, although I was never really ashamed of my foreskin (yes I have one too, and am in the US), but more of my penis itself, although I also feel quite protective of it. The way many people demonize it and use words like "phallic" as a synonym of "opressive" certainly doesn't help.
 
What your aunt did was disgusting, you are not icky, she is. You didn't deserve to be degraded like that. Imagine if it was an uncle that did that to his niece. Played with her genitals, called them icky and discussed it with other men. The press would have a field day. But when boys are abused no one cares. It makes me so mad that talking about boys parts and fondling boys had become almost a norm.
 
What your aunt did was disgusting, you are not icky, she is. You didn't deserve to be degraded like that. Imagine if it was an uncle that did that to his niece. Played with her genitals, called them icky and discussed it with other men. The press would have a field day. But when boys are abused no one cares. It makes me so mad that talking about boys parts and fondling boys had become almost a norm.
Its a terrible double standard. Why is it creepy for a guy to discuss a young girls parts but, not a boy? I'm glad that you understand this, at least. When I think about it I do get upset. I hope a newer generation of people understand this too.
 
Oh my God I have a lot of similar experiences to this! I hope it can help you to know you aren't alone in these pretty similar experiences, although I was never really ashamed of my foreskin (yes I have one too, and am in the US), but more of my penis itself, although I also feel quite protective of it. The way many people demonize it and use words like "phallic" as a synonym of "opressive" certainly doesn't help.
It doesn't help with misandry in society. I always felt like my penis was a target for mockery and threats. I never even paid that much attention to it up until my aunt started to point it out and make me feel different. I also feel quite protective over mine as well. When I was younger I thought it was something one could just loose.
 
It doesn't help with misandry in society. I always felt like my penis was a target for mockery and threats. I never even paid that much attention to it up until my aunt started to point it out and make me feel different. I also feel quite protective over mine as well. When I was younger I thought it was something one could just loose.
Being uncircumcised is something I like - maybe even proud. But I've been made to feel ashamed of having a penis at all - regardless of foreskin. It's often referred to as inherently a weapon in this society.
 
There is so much shame and disgust regarding the penis, society sees it as something we are not to supposed to see, admire, like or anything.
We can admire and talk about women's private bits but society seems to hide the penis, it's a sex tool and is attached to sex crazed men is what society thinks about it.
Then of course there is all the ridicule about size, how it performs, how it looks etc.
Don't be ashamed, love your private parts like you would any other part of your body and if someone doesn't like it, well that's their problem.
 
Hi NAM, I just read your story
I feel bad for what you had to go through with that mean bitch! Obviously, she had no respect for you or herself the scars she left you are imaginal painful, and I hope that with time you will be able to enjoy taking a bath wash your penis without shame and appreciate the way it looks and enjoy the erection it happens We are all made different, and we all should be able to enjoy our body without shame or pain,
wish you peace and happyness
Lino
 
Hi NAM, I just read your story
I feel bad for what you had to go through with that mean bitch! Obviously, she had no respect for you or herself the scars she left you are imaginal painful, and I hope that with time you will be able to enjoy taking a bath wash your penis without shame and appreciate the way it looks and enjoy the erection it happens We are all made different, and we all should be able to enjoy our body without shame or pain,
wish you peace and happyness
Lino
Thank you Lino, I’m working on accepting my body for what it is. Growing up I think I was very afraid of it and self conscious. She’d call it out if I had any kind of a bulge showing from my pants. Till this day I have to nonchalantly readjust all the time because I feel like everyone is looking there. Ughh!
 
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