My husband says he has to be alone....

My husband says he has to be alone....
S

sas

Registrant
It has been quite a while since I've posted. My husband has suffered for so long and finally this weekend he told me that he has to be alone to figure out who he is. He is conflicted about his sexual identity. He has never admitted to being sexually abused, but he has told me that he has suffered emotional incest with his mother. After reading Mike Lew's book, I know that there are many similarities in the impact on a young boy trying to find his way in the world.
I suspect more happened to him.... Perhaps I'm projecting, since I was sexually abused by my dad, but the similarities and the connection between us is so strong.
He has been seeing a therapist, as have I. What makes this so hard is he is now leaving me, and this area for San Francisco. He has new job waiting for him there Oct. 1 (secured a couple of months ago). We were supposed to go together, to start fresh. All our stuff is in temporary storage, tangled together. It hurts so bad to see him suffer - I want him to find peace. I want to find peace.
What makes it even more unbelievable is that one month ago I had a miscarriage and we lost our first baby. It is really a soap-opera. The baby was unexpected (we wouldn't have planned that in the middle of all this) and my husband was really tossed into chaos when he found out. But over time he said that he found hope and joy at the thought of this little soul entering our lives.
I feel so completely finished, empty. I'm living temporarily with my parents (can't believe that, at the age of 35). But right now I can't think an hour ahead, let along a day or month.
We're going to meet at our therapists this afternoon and talk about 'next steps.' I'm not sure what that will mean, he doesn't either.
He told me that he is terrified. He just wants to run into my arms and take back all that he has said. He says he loves me, but he can't drag me through this any longer - he says he sees my soul dying. My heart is breaking, tearing apart.
I know he has to go - he has to find out what that 14 year old boy inside him wants. I just wish that it wasn't this.... And the craziest part is that I still have hope for us, how dysfunctional is that!
 
sas,
I am also the wife of a survivor (my husband was repeatedly sexually abused). The memories resurfaced about a year ago. This has left him as one mighty confused 53 YO with the confused sexuality of the 11 YO rape victim he once was.
Many of the posts on this forum seem to address the sexual confusion issue. Like you I am praying that the final answer is one that my 12 YO daughter and I can live with. He acted out once with a man. I too want him to find 'peace', but to maintain our 22 YO marriage, at least for the time being, he MUST not act out again. I had to protect my own self esteem and so I asked for WHAT I NEEDED. I asked him to accept this limit on his behavior and he has agreed.
It seems to me that the attraction is not 'men' but repeating the 'acts'. Trying to relive and this time CONTROL the events.
You MUST think of your needs. If you don't feel comfortable letting him go off to SF alone. See if he can accept some restrictions on his behavior, for the interim, so you can have some peace of mind about the viability of your marriage while he thinks things over. The space/time apart may clarify for him that he really wants to be married to you instead of acting out some confused sexual fantasy. I share your fear and your hope.

Babs
 
sas ,
How are you doing? Whatever you are going thru right now, please share IF you can! Isolation only magnifies the pain.

Well I thought I'd let you know that "YOU HAVE BEEN IN MY THOUGHTS" for days.
Someone Who Cares,
Babs
 
Hi Babs, thank you so much for your reply. It has been a heavy week. I have heard from my husband via email, he sounds ok. He is staying with mutual friends, so at least I know he is safe. I am hanging in there. I saw my therapist yesterday and she is wonderful, just wonderful. I told her that I still have hope for us... that I know my husband is lost right now, that he has a 'part' who is really hurting and screaming for attention. But for some reason, my soul -truly my soul - believes we will somehow come through this. He has to do his work - that is what I pray for - he has to have courage to face whatever is lurking in the past. Unfortunately I can't control if he does his work - I just keep praying that he doesn't try to do it alone (he did that for 15 years, and there is no way to journey inside without a clear-eyed guide (i.e., therapist, Yoda, Dumbledore, Obi-wan, Virgil, whoever!)).
I know that I have a journey to take too. I don't know what it is but I just pray every night for Spirit to show me, step by step, where I am to go. For right now I am going inside and just trying to 'be'. It is strange... I think that I am finally starting to feel a part of me relax.... I think that there has been a part of me that has been 'on guard', or something, for many years - worrrying about my relationship with my husband, working to save us - because you know when there is something that isn't right. And now it is out of my hands.
I don't know what my path is, but I have to have faith that Spirit will show me, it always does if you are truly open, so I am trying to be open to my journey.
Things at work for me are heating up so that will occupy my mind during the day more and more - which is probably good, even though I feel exhausted.
I still have hope for us. It's weird, but I think I'll know when it is time to change that, for now I will keep hoping and praying.
Babs, how are you? How are you taking care of yourself? Be gentle with yourself, we women have worked so hard. We have to find a way to recapture our souls....

Love,
Stephanie
 
Stephanie --
Sorry it took me so long to respond. Even though I visit the forum almost daily I missed seeeing your last post until a few days ago.

You wrote:
"I know he has to go - he has to find out what that 14 year old boy inside him wants."
:(
Is this your description or his? This comment has distrubed me for weeks. I am sorry but I can't find a way to honestly offer you encouragement about your marriage.

To me his actions now appear to be the selfish choices of a 14 YO. Leaving you so soon after the miscarriage when he doesn't have to be in SF till late Sept is very telling. He seems to have made all his decisions and plans without you and just didn't have the nerve to tell you until the last minute. Yes I realize he has suffered, but appears to lack empathy for you and your pain.

You wrote: "...he told me he has to be alone to figure out who he is. He is conflicted about his sexual identity."

He is going to be alone in SF (to figure out who he is.) ??? Let's get REAL. SF is the "act out" capitol of the world. Is he conflicted about his sexuality?? Probably not, he moved to SF not Souix City,Iowa -- he has moved to where he will be most comfortable with and can be public with his homosexuality! Away from the possibly disapproving gaze of friens and family.

I am greatly encouraged for your future by the fact that you realize at least on an intellectual level that it is OUT OF YOUR HANDS! I also have accepted this truth, intellectually, for my situation, but everytime he is very down I FEEL so helpless and want to DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING to change his emotional state. Like I have that power?? NOT!!

I am also confused that you said you were 'sexualy abused' by you dad, but are now living with your parents. WOW!! That must be an incredible strain, take it easy on yourself. Keep seeing that Therapist!!!
:D
I know the tone of this post is harsh, but it still come from my heart so ignore it if it offends you.

Also seeking peace, babs.
 
Babs, thanks so much for your message. I really did feel your heart - I know this is such a crazy mess.

I hear you when you say it sounds like a 14 y.o. acting out. To some extent, I agree. I also realize that I am the kind of person who is in a relationship 100%, so living physically with me will require him to be 'engaged' in our relationship; therefore, he probably won't be able to get the 'alone time' he needs to go deep inside into his psyche. I'm not saying that I like this... but I finally read Sam Keen's book, Fire in the Belly, and he talks about men needing 'alone' time to focus in on their wounds/confusion/anger. I know my husband has always 'been there' for others (mother, sister, ME). Especially when we first came together, I think we were attracted to each other because we each had wounds we could recognize, and longed to heal, in the other. So he has never taken the time to be there for himself, learn who he is. He became a doc because his parents groomed him since he was small to be one. He has always been the caretaker of the family. He feels he has always made decisions based on others needs and timelines....

San Francisco is his destination not by choice, but by opportunity. He applied to a wide number of programs (including U-VA - how's that for remote?) and got Stanford for his fellowship position. So it is a weird fate-thing that he's headed there. He did tell me on Friday that he knows his journey is an internal one - thankfully he is working with a therapist - and that he has no intention on 'experimenting' or needing to talk to gay men or straight men or anything - the answer is within himself. I think there is a lot of wisdom in that.

He told me that he is relating to his family in a new way (which is good!), and that he wants to communicate/see me more than we orginally planned for. I am trying to take care of myself but it is still so foggy, and there really are no rules for this stuff. All we can do is be honest (!), act from our souls and have faith.

I so appreciate everyone's support. This is the hardest thing I have ever lived through, I am learning a lot about myself. Thanks again everyone for your thoughts!
 
I just wanted to pipe in, and say that you're in my heart. I want to wish you hope and strength for what you're going through.

Best of luck!

J
We're in this together.
 
Thanks so much for your kind words of support J - I'm okay today, really busy at work, so I'm nicely preoccupied. We'll see what this weekend brings....

Take care of yourself - you're a strong person!!!
 
sas,
I wanted to write to you because I feel as though I am in the same boat--my boyfriend left on work related travel for an indefinite period of time--and I believe he may have been sexually abused by his mother. (I posted another long post about this earlier today on this list). I wondered if you would mind sharing what you know. You say he said he suffered "emotional incest." I'd like to know what that means exactly. My boyfriend's father died when he was 17, and he assumed a lot of responsibility in his household after that. I always assumed that he was still grieving for his father 33 years later (he's 50) because he becomes hysterical when he talks about it, but I don't believe that anymore. I feel he assumed a lot more in that household than cooking for his five siblings, and helping raise them. He's said how he wanted to help his mother out, but I think he also resented it. I think he is angry that he was robbed of his youth, and has problems with intimacy and sex. I would like to know other symptoms men have who are survivors? He hasn't told me he was abused, but his behaviors have taken me down the road of searching for answers to why he is so emotionally damaged, and why he doesn't respond to me beyond acting "as if".
 
Hello Lostnlonelyme, thanks for your note. I'll share what I know but I must say first, that things have gone terribly bad for me. Where can I start???

Three weeks ago, my husband met with me to talk... and it ended up being a passionate encounter in the backseat of my car (since we're both living with our parents - just like high school - ugh!). Little did I know that he had already decided to leave me and had retained an attorney. I guess he just wanted to screw me in every possible way. I am extremely angry right now.

Last week we met again, "at a healing place" (his words not mine). He told me that he has always been a man of extremes, liked both "uppers" and "downers", etc. and he realized that he wants to have sex with both men and women - he arousal with me showed him that he is attracted to women, and men. He told me that the Greeks believed that the only true love was between men and boys - now that's a pedophile-culture if I ever heard one! He also loved to recite Nietzsche to me - he is so skilled at twisting his intellect to meet his delusions.

He has not sought the counseling needed to deal with whatever is inside him - he will be haunted forever. Today I found out he has pulled over $36,000 of our money out, and has tucked it away somewhere... he'll need every penny when he's at Stanford. I really feel that his 14 yo has taken over - this little boy thinks he can pull these games with me? Did he think I wouldn't notice? I guess teenage-minds aren't too bright.

Now to answer your question....

My husband, too, fulfilled the "husband" role for his mother. He was the youngest of 4, and his family, early on, labeled him 'the saviour'. He became the doctor, got good grades, married the devoted wife, etc. He also is the one everyone, including his parents, have turned to for advise since he was little (kind of fits that he's a physician). His parents still call when something hits the fan at their home. There is a great book entitled "Emotional Incest" - I don't recall the author's name but Border's has it. I found it very good, and I have read everything on the subject in my quest to try to find an answer and hope for us.

Well, it is over. Many have seen it coming and now so do I. There is another, a very wise woman who has posted here who has had very sage advise for me, please take care of yourself. I never, never, never, never expected this side of my husband to appear - he is more cold and stoney then I ever imagined a person could be. Perhaps I got too close to the core? Maybe that is why he has rejected our therapist as well... she told him she thought his conflicted identity was a smokescreen for something else. He denies everything, he has split-off his 'part' so far, he will never be free of his fears, he hasn't faced them - he'll be haunted.

It could have been so different, I was patient for over 8 months, including one miscarriage and one romantic trip to Paris. All for nothing. But I will be healthy, and I will heal. My soul is clear, I fought the good fight. I didn't lie...

Please let me know how you are. Please make sure you are seeing someone who can support you through this - please! The human mind is a very powerful battlefield, you need to be solid in who you are and what you want. You have support here. May Spirit be close to you (however you define Spirit

;)
 
sas,

I'm so sorry to hear that things worked out the way they did.

Keep taking care of yourself. Will you be sticking around here? I know I'm not the only one concerned about you.

J
We're in this together.
 
Hello J, thank you for your note. Yesterday I was filled with the rage of 9 years of marriage, I was truly raging - I know it has to come out - but boy do I hate how it feels.

I realize that I have been blessed with so much support - and the people here who are struggling so hard, fighting the good fight, are a big part of my community. I have received several emails offering me virtual shoulders to cry on, and arms to lift me. I feel blessed despite the misery.

Anyway, I am taking steps to rebuild my life. My family has been phenominal, just phenominal. The course of events in my life, and the honesty I have put forth with my family (they know everything that has happened to me) has allowed my family to heal in ways I never imagined.

Last week, when my husband drove the final stake through my heart, I came home and my mother was still up. I collapsed into her arms and just wailed. She held me, and kissed me repeatedly, like a loving mom. You must understand that my whole childhood my mother resisted touching any of us kids - she would always tell us to "not hang on her." I used to tease my husband that I'm like that rhesus monkey from the psychology experiment (you know, the one that had no warm mother, only a wire framework to cling to) - that was my childhood - mixed with sexual abuse by my dad.

Well that night she broke through years of buried feelings. She told me that once in her childhood she had sat on hill and prayed to God to please take her, to kill her, that she couldn't imagine living another moment. And when God didn't take her, she was pissed. She then looked at me and said that grandpa, her step-dad sexually abused her - I wasn't surprised because I had known this in my heart, but I was stunned that she had voiced it. I just grabbed her and held on tight. She showed me the most fragile bit of her soul, she was trying to save me from wanting to die myself (which I did). I felt her love like never, never before. I am blown away.

I am very sad for my husband. While I have been living with my parents this past month (reading every book on men's healing, etc.) he has been going out with our mutual friends (sailing on Lake Michigan, etc.) and telling them that I "had to work late." Not one word of our impending demise.... His denial is so amazingly deep. Well I am going to reclaim my life, including my friends. He wanted time to tell our friends himself - I honored his request and I have given him a month. Well now I need to rebuild my life and I am not going to ignore the people who have been friends to me too.

I spoke to one friend today, I asked her if my husband had told her that we were divorcing and she said "no." He told her that I was just working late. She said he had acted like we both were heading out to Palo Alto in September, she had no idea anything was wrong. This happened a week and a half ago....

He is so lost, so wounded. I have done all I can, my heart will mend one day. I hope I can find a way to trust again, we know how hard that is. I know I will, because I have to live a life that is authentic for me - I can't lie about who I am or what I feel. I worked too hard to heal myself to let secrets and lies corrode my soul - like his soul is doing.

I wanted to support him in his healing, but he didn't want to heal. I have to stop the mental/emotional abuse he is inflicting upon me - enough, 13 years is enough!

I won't forget this community. I don't know how much I'll stay connected right now - I think that reading the stories of the men makes a part of me still want to hold out hope - she wants to rescue and have a happy ending, and that won't be. So I may take a bit of a hiatus... but I know I want to give back to others if I can.

Thank you everyone, I am wounded, but not dead.

- Stephanie
 
Stepahnie -
I'm soooooo sorry for the way things have worked out for you. I really identified with your desire to do just ABOUT anything to keep your marriage afloat. Unfortuneately, the old adage applies "It takes 2 to tango" and you were in that marriage alone.
I'm pleased that your mom was able to open up to you about her SA ghosts.
I also applaud your openness and candor with your friends. In fact I would suggest that you be open and honest even with his family members. Although it would be very easy for anyone in your situation to be vindictive, I can see that you are using your considerable emotional strength to control that urge.
I will say I don't see your husband as a lost little soul, but more like a "manipulative coniving little SOB". Some of his actions just show his self-centered perspective, but others show so much "malice with premediation" they are ALMOST unbelieveable. HOW CAN HE LOOK AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR??
He has apparently transformed you into 'his abuser' and is venting his anger at the most inappropriate target!
Stephanie, your strength of character is amazing! I truly hope that someday you meet a man that is actually worthy of your trust and devotion.
Take care, babs
 
Hi Babs, thanks for your note (so much for my hiatus). My husband is really pissed off right now. It is getting ugly - we both have a lot of pain and I think you're right that he sees me as his abuser. He called my parent's home last night (from California) looking for me. He talked to my mom - he said that I am destroying his support system, telling lies to our friends. She mustered all her strength to stay composed and spoke her truth.

He thinks I'm destroying his support system - he is the one who didn't trust anyone of our friends enough to tell them the truth (and these are friends who have siblings who are gay & lesbian and have tremendous compassion for people). Yet he tells me and my family that he is speaking his soul's truth ("his soul is singing") yet he won't sing out loud with people who truly love him.

I have to rebuild my life and repair friendships. He doesn't realize that our friends care deeply about him, they are concerned. I think they also feel a little upset because he has said nothing about our marriage being in trouble, let alone anything else. They keep asking me if he planned to just "slip out of town without a word?" I've told them that those are great questions for my husband, I don't know.

So "ick," "puke." I hate this so much. He really seems panicked, like I've heard before... he will continue to be the victim until he truly faces his shadows, his wounds - that is terribly sad.

Right now I have to take care of me. I've lost a ton of weight and I seem to have picked up Parkinson's (cruel joke - but I really can't keep my hands still). I am too raw for any of this, too many tears have been shed for too long. My firm is also laying-off people - that is all I need, so I've got my fingers crossed that I'll still have a job.

You know, I had such hope, such hope. This truly is the saddest thing in the world - what is terrorizing him so? It isn't me.

:(

Thanks Babs, I will be okay - I just have to take it a day at a time. I'll be in touch.
 
Stephanie --

I hate to bring any more worries into your life, but you should go to the doctor and have yourself tested for HIV? I feel so bad to bring it up, but he has treated you so bad and acted so contrary to the man you thought you married 9 years ago THAT YOU CANNOT ACCEPT HIS WORD THAT HE HASN"T ACTED OUT IN A WAY THAT WOULD PUT BOTH OF YOU AT RISK. I know he is an M.D. (Major Dickhead) and one would expect him to be careful, but he is so whacked you just can't be sure. They think they are invincible.

The TRUTH will win in the end. You just keep working on yourself. I too have been through the job roulette game, it sucks big time. Be glad you have such a supportive family and keep talking it out with your family and friends. I also hope your lawyer can get some of your money back.

Let's try to get together in chat room sometime.

LOVE, babs
 
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