My husband confessed....

My husband confessed....
S

Struggling

Registrant
that he is sexually confused and does not know what he wants.


I have cried so hard that I no longer have tears to spare. I love him so much and I don't want our marriage to end, but I don't know how much I can handle.

What am I going to do? Am I going to lose my husband?

I am so scared.....
 
this is a hard question and i'm probably not the one to respond ,i just wanted to say that i dont think sa by a male would make a person gay or bi ,for me after being abused by a male even the though of doing it willingly just freaks me out totaly.i dont understand but i am not judging anyone ,its just that i would never want to experience what for me was the most devestating thing in my life again.i do think that he might be doing the right thing but maybe he should have done it a long time ago ,if he wants to be with a guy he should let you go not expect you to live with it ,it sucks that his confusion is hurting you that is not good for you . sorry this probably wont help much , adam
 
Struggling
it's a tough question, and one I have no answer for unfortunately.

My own experience was similar in some respects, I sought out sex with men while married and was confused about my sexuality.

I'm still married, over 30 years now, and I know that I'm not gay or bi.
Good therapy helped me to discover the 'real me', it didn't 'cure' me, it just helped me find out exactly who I am.

I've written a lot about this, as have so many other peopel affected by this common enough problem amongst male survivors, have a look through some of the old posts here for a good start in trying to understand what's going on.

I haven't got time now, but I'll be back.

Dave
 
Struggling,

I think part of the problem here is that an abused boy loses his sense of sexual boundaries and becomes confused over his sexual identity. If he doesn't get help this will continue into adulthood. That is, it may well be that your husband is gay and is only now discovering it. But it is also possible - and my guess is that this is more likely - that dealing with his abuse issues is just overwhelming him and leading him into a cyclone of conflicting emotions and sexual confusion. That is so easy for a survivor to do, since he will so often see himself not as a whole person in which sex is only one component, but as someone who is entirely defined by what happened to him as a boy.

Are you going to lose your husband? I have no idea. But I think one thing you have to do is take care of yourself and make it clear to him that while you love him dearly, there are things you will not tolerate.

Have you told him about this site? It could benefit him a lot to discover that he isn't alone in his troubles, and he would find a lot of caring and support here. Ultimately, though, what he will need is a good therapist to get him through the minefields of recovery.

I wish you all the very best, and I know this must be a terrible time for you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Struggling,

I too can relate to what the other guys have said, I struggled with sexual identity confusion and only came to really be able to get some resolution to the problem after seeking therapy and finding this website where I could be open and honest about how I've felt. It was here that I came to understand that I'm not alone. That others have traveled and are traveling this road also. Being able to talk in a safe place helped me to understand that this "problem" doesn't have to sink my ship.

The way this panned out in my own mind is somewhat different than Dave's experience. I came to understand that "OK, I am Bi. So what?" Coming to that realization simply negated it's power over me. Suddenly I no longer am irresistibly drawn to act out. I can stay faithful to my wife without resenting that faithfulness as I once did.

In regard to your question, I'd like to echo what Larry said in that you need to take care of you. He will either respond to the line you draw in the sand and seek help, or he will choose the other life. Either way, it will be his choice and he will have to live with it. Tell him about this site, provide for him whatever other resources you can come up with for him, but take care of yourself with or without him.

I know this must be excruciating for you to even contemplate, and I wish you a measure of peace as you move forward through this pain. Hopefully your marriage will come out the other side intact.

Lots of love,

John
 
Hi Stuggling, I am really sorry that you are in such pain. I wish I had great words of wisdom to give you, but I don't. The only thing I can do is let you read about the gay affair that I had, it may help you to understand that your husband is confused right now. How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy!

Wishing you and your husband well.
Clifford
 
Hi Struggling,

Maybe the guys feel differently about this, but from where I stand, it seems like two separate issues:

1. Your husband is sexually interested in men

and

2. Your husband is not meeting your expectations of fidelity in the marriage.

I don't know if you or your husband can get past one or both of these issues, but I think the first step is divide and conquer.

He may believe that you won't want to be with him anymore because of his sexual preferences, even if he is faithful. That may be true for you, I don't know. Or he may decide that he is really gay and doesn't want to be in a heterosexual marriage anymore, whether or not he's with the other guy. What I am saying is that I think the two of you have to talk THIS out, independent of the boyfriend, if the marriage is going to continue.

When it comes to feeling betrayed by his actions, I agree with the other posters-- you've got to draw your lines where you need them to be. I think most folks, regardless of sexual preference, have certain expectations about faithful behavior in a long-term relationship.

There are so many possibilities and I don't know that there's an answer that works best for everyone. I know some people who stay in relationships under conditions that wouldn't feel right to me-- but I'm not in those relationships.

Keep talking it out here if it helps you, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now.

SAR
 
Struggling

I am absolutly no expert and am posting this in the knowledge that there are others more experienced than me who will challenge this if they think its very flawed/naive but one thought jumps out at me when I read your post.

You say that your husband "craves" sex with men. Could it be that the main issue is sexual complusion rather than bisexuality?

John describes himself as bisexual but he's happy to be that and be faithful to his wife.

If your husband is sure that he does want / find attractive / sees a happy romantic future with yourself then whether or not he is bisexual might not be the challenge to your marriage but rather this unhealthy aspect to sex. By that I don't mean wanting sex with men but specificaly "craving" it,which seems to suggest its less of a choice and more of a compulsion. You didn't mention what sort of help he is receiving but I think there is specific help for sex addictions and I think they are common in survivors of CSA.

My partner had similar issues(although it was just sex and not emotional attachment) and sought help with a specialist in male CSA therapy, she is also very experienced in helping gay men "come out". He now doesn't label his sexulaity but is very confident that he wants a romantic and sexual future with me. His therapy, which has been hugely successful, is about,inpart, him understanding why he had a compulsion to have sex with men.

My heart goes out to you. You are not alone and neither is your husband.

Lots of love

Tracy
 
You say that your husband "craves" sex with men. Could it be that the main issue is sexual complusion rather than bisexuality?
Click to expand...
Tracy's right, there is a world of difference between a gay man finding another man attractive and loving him, a bi-sexual man who finds sex with both sexes a pleasure and a man who has compulsions, and not all compulsions are about having sex with another man.

I suffer from compulsions to have sex with other men, although they are under MY control now and it's a behaviour I control without too much effort.

But 7 to 10 years ago it was a different story and I was a slave to my compulsions, some people class it as 'sex addiction', and I acted out sexually.
I have never in my life looked at another man and fancied him sexually, I have close male friends, know some very good looking young men, but I never have sexual thoughts of fantasies about them.

My compulsion was purely about performing sex acts with another man - I didn't care who or where.
And that behaviour has a direct link back to my abuse, I can see that now after good therapy.

There are men who have 'changed' their sexual orientation, it happens and some guys here at MS have done so. I wouldn't pass comment on their views really because it is a complicated chain of events from the conversations I've had with them.

I understand that you need to 'know' what the hell is going on, and you do deserve an answer.
The good thing is that you are seeking help and knowledge to hopefully better understand whatever comes along.

Dave
 
Thanks all for your comments. Dave, your comment about changing sexual orientation is interesting.

I will keep working at it and pray for the best.

Thanks all!
 
Struggling,

There could be many reasons why your husband is devastated with the break in his relationship with that guy. He may have thought, for example, that this guy is the only one who really understands him.

I think what I want to convey to you here is the absolute hurricane of emotions that a survivor has going on at times. There have been days I have been so confused and distraught I didn't want to get out of bed, much less leave the house. My wife would ask what's wrong, and I would just collapse into tears - I had no idea what was wrong. No, that's not it...EVERYTHING was wrong!

A lot of this doesn't have to do with his feelings about you, it's just a seething mass of emotions and fears - largely negative ones aimed at himself.

If he wasn't seeing a therapist with experience in male abuse issues I would suggest he turn in that direction. It really does make a lot of difference, or at least that's my experience.

Much love,
Larry
 
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