My husband acted out again

My husband acted out again
Looking4Grace said:
Hugs to you, @Alex Zed. I'm pissed, too. And hurt and sad and disappointed. Grindr is seriously the devil, and as I mentioned here previously, not in disguise. It's horrible, at least from my perspective. Sigh.
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Many in the gay community agree that it's social prevalence and possible and over sexualization (as an overeager result of it finally being more socially acceptable to be a sexual gay man) of the community at large, as well as the tight stereotyped roles and body standards, aren't particularly healthy in the long term especially.
 
Alex Zed said:
I want to change it, Grace found, I want to help them be better. I only love one thing, I love everything else through the focus.... they tried to give me fear, and yes I caught it, but I got something else too, something that bettered the fear and rose a great mind upon it, dignified care. It's what I am now because of it, a humane intellect, giving us back our nurturering rights. It'll be okay, you'll see 🙂
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@Alex Zed ~ I wanted to thank you again for your thoughts and comments about dignity and care. It means so much to me.

My husband is doing a LOT of work (!!!) to make his way through all of this and we are committed to each other, come what may. I am super proud of him - I know it isn't easy. He has been getting extra help from a true and good friend who absolutely understands everything he has been through and experiences and honestly, this person has quite literally saved my husband's life and no doubt our marriage, too. I am eternally grateful.

I have also received a message from someone here that greatly help me put all of this in perspective. It's hard to not take it personally, you know? My husband had an affair? My husband was randomly hooking up with people? I mean, it's a lot to process and I feel like I have done SO MUCH to understand everything, to the best of my ability. But, it still knocked me down. Regardless, we are moving forward - together. It's what we both want and so we are putting in the work and the effort to save our marriage and our life together.

I know there will be rough patches and I'm even prepared for the potential of more acting out (which obviously I do not condone, but I know there's a potential for a slip up, unfortunately). Honestly, the acting out randomly with others was somehow easier to stomach than the ongoing emotional/physical relationship that happened. I'm not sure I can look past that if it were to happen again. That hurt runs deep. One day at a time. It has been a rough few months. So, I am working on acceptance (again! ... still?) and letting go of everything I cannot control. I'm still holding all of this for him, though, as best as I can so that he can continue with dignity and grace and work on his path to healing. If his children or our friends knew everything, that would be hard to reconcile, I think. It would only make everything worse for him/for me/for us. So, I hold all of this to the best of my ability and tend to it and I give it the care it needs so that he can be nurtured, forgiven and healed. It's what I can do. That, and love him through all of this and hold his hand when he lets me (figuratively).

Anyway, thank you for caring. It means everything.
 
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Alex Zed said:
I find you to be the most special person, your care for your husband is a lesson to us all about what commitment is supposed to mean. It is easy to care for you, because you care so much for others yourself and I can't help adoring you for it.

Truthfully, I've been single all my life, my parents had a terrible marriage and terrible parenting, have had a lot of time in my life where I didn't at all believe in the institution of marriage, or love.....and then you came along and showed me how a wife and mother can really be and turned my heart around.

I said a few weeks ago that I wasn't giving myself the dignity and care. Since then I moved out of my disgusting dungeon bedroom I've been locked in 23 hours a day for near ten years into a better one that has big windows facing dawn and is full of sunlight. I've slept the past week or so with the windows and door open, haven't been able to do that in 8 years.

I suffer from horrible and shameful fantasies relating to my CSA and abuse, not helped by that I experienced intense orgasms during brutal CSA at 10 years old - over the past weeks, with the support of MS Survivors who are fathers, I was able to finally face these fantasies and the shame they brought me and they have slunk away like ghosts that cannot haunt me anymore. Now I can't describe myself as introverted hyper-sexual anymore, I'm just a person, beginning to learn to care for myself again I've got all this space where the undignified sex used to be and want to use it to be a better person for myself.

There's more, but the point is, I'm not so sure it should be me getting thanked for caring and bringing the dignity, seems to me that you caring helped get me my dignity back and I really do owe my thanks for that.

I am sorry for your the abuse your husband suffered, he is obviously a good enough man and I'm sad the abuse has been shaming him so. I'm sorry that you end up as a Survivor as well in sharing his pain and coping with the shame. But I'm not at all sorry that these sufferings caused you to share so that I might be inspired to care for myself again.

I hope that the discussion in humanity about the fallout of CSA begins to seriously include the spouses and beloveds who get caught up in it as well. You have shown us yet another reason why CSA needs to be curtailed, it causes hurt upon everything and hurts what matters most of all, our love that fills our hearts.

Thank you, and thank you to the friend of your husbands that cares enough to be there too!

Thank you for helping renewing my faith in love and fortitude, I had stopped believing!
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@Alex Zed ~ I don’t even know what to say. This is amazing! I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you with no words at all how much all of this means to me. More than that, how grateful I am that your faith has been renewed in love and fortitude. How grateful I am to hear that you are feeling safe enough in your own body to sleep once again with windows and door open. That you are moving (literally!) to light and opening your heart up to feel it and see it. Honestly, this is so fantastic. Wow! I am speechless.

I truly believe that there is redemption in suffering and if what I have experienced in my life recently and shared here has helped to move even the smallest of mountains in your life or the life of anyone else, then it is all worth it. Every ounce of pain and anxiety and fear – worth it if it has helped someone else to find some joy and peace again or has helped someone to know they are not alone or that they are worthy of love and forgiveness. It somehow turns that pain to grace that illuminates the way to finding joy and healing (if that makes any sense outside of my head).

Thank you for sharing your heart. Again, I’m grateful.
 
Alex Zed said:
It totally makes sense in my head too :)
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@Alex Zed ~ whew! Thank goodness. :)

I wanted to thank everyone again for their perspective and insight on what is for sure a tough subject for nearly everyone here. I mentioned already in this thread that I feel like I have been dropped off on an island and there's literally no one to talk to who might even begin to understand what we're going through as a couple or individually. This is extremely difficult, for everyone. I see my husband in there somewhere, lost in the fray, and that's the person who would never hurt me in the way that he did last year. That person would never dream of betraying me and/or causing me so much pain and putting himself (and me) in danger by hooking up multiple times and having an affair, too. That's not real. That's not who he is. I mentioned in another thread that it doesn't even make sense - choosing over and over again to act out knowing that the consequences are heavy and potentially life-changing? That you are hurting the person you love the most in a pretty significant way. I also see the little boy in him who is desperately trying to find his way out of the maze that is the result of the trauma he experienced. That helps me put it all in perspective, actually. The visual of someone clawing their way out and doing the only thing they know how in order to "feel better." The body keeps the score. Anyway, I hope he can find some peace in his own body again and that eventually this levels off to be more manageable. One day at a time.

Grace and peace to all. You are worthy, you are loved, you are enough.

L4G
 
Alex Zed said:
You really do have quite an insight into how it is for Survivors!

A lot of people in life talk about empathy, but rarely do I feel fortunate to have seen its real happenstance; here on MS, it's all over the place....like lighting a lamp in a cave and suddenly there's treasure all about that is warming.

@Looking4Grace - your chest of it has no trouble shining, my light finds it's inspiring and worth more than a fortune.

It shouldn't have to happen, your pain and his, for this illustration of rare care to be calling. But it has, so at least, by your heart, there's a dawn there.
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@Alex Zed ~ ❤️ I can actually see and feel the visual you created of light and warmth where there is otherwise darkness. I hope beyond all hope that shining a light in on shame and guilt and pain and confusion in order to provide some light and warmth is the part I am supposed to or called to play/be in all of this. Acceptance, understanding, unconditional love. A blanket that feels safe and comforting. A light that helps guide the way and offers support, dignity and care on the journey to healing. Day by day.
 
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