My husband acted out again

My husband acted out again
L

Looking4Grace

Registrant
My husband has a sex addiction (just not with me, his wife of 33 years). My husband also has an addiction to Grindr and the endorphins that happen as a result of getting attention from men half his age. In fact, as a result of this, he talked to and met up with one of them this summer and he acted out. Unfortunately, that person fell for my husband and began to stalk him and that escalated to stalking me, too. He called me a few weeks ago at 1 a.m. (I didn’t have my ringer on so I didn’t hear the call). He reached out to me last week on Facebook Messenger to tell me that he didn’t know my husband was married at the time the acting out occurred and he is gravely and deeply sorry for falling for my husband (his words) and that this has harmed him psychologically and has become “the greatest regret of my life.” Sigh.

So, there’s that. My husband and I want to stay married. I know what drives these behaviors and I know it’s honestly just generally a part of all of this mess created by someone else’s harm upon him at the tender age of 6 years old. I get it. But, even so, I am still hurt and angry. There’s almost no one I can speak to about this, which is difficult. My friends would tell me to walk away and at this point I’m not willing to do that. We don’t want a divorce (we’ve talked about this ad nauseum).

It’s hard to reconcile all of this, though. I’m angry, hurt and sad. I’m disappointed. I’m also nervous and anxious about this random guy having a thing for my husband and what he will do with his feelings of rejection? I am not one to be melodramatic, but I literally know nothing about him and so that’s all a wild card situation that makes me extremely angry and scared. I have been waking up at night checking doors and peering outside to make sure no one is out there lurking.

I don’t why I’m posting this, honestly. I am not seeking sympathy. I think I am posting these thoughts because I’m sure there are other wives here going through the same thing (feel free to reach out to me, if so), and it's one of the fallouts from all of this. It's messy and true and there's no point in sugarcoating it or pretending it isn't a constant threat. Also, I know there are Survivors here who have been in our situation and feel intense guilt and shame and regret, but also it makes them feel excited and wanted and intrigued. So confusing. For everyone involved.

We will get through this and we will be stronger as a result. It just takes time and patience and a heck of a lot of fortitude and forgiveness. I have demanded that Grindr be deleted and go away forever – I allowed that disrespect to me for too long. Will it stay gone and out of the picture? I’m not holding my breath. Addictions are not static. Again, I get it. Even so, I remain hopeful that it can and will stay out of the picture.

I hope this is rock bottom for my husband and I hope that we can both continue to heal and grow and overcome.

If you’re going through something similar in your life and marriage right now, I am so sorry. I see you and I know your pain and your hurt and your anger and grief. Here’s to better days ahead, for all of us.

Hugs to all.

L4G
 
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As an update - I didn't realize, unfortunately (fortunately??), that this was just the tip of the iceberg. The acting out was with more than just this person (who is still making attempts to reach out to my husband, despite being blocked). No, sadly, there have been more than a handful. I am sad. I'm extremely angry. I'm disappointed and hurt and not sure how to ever trust again. Not just my husband - anyone. I am going to join some SA-Anon meetings and my husband is attending the SAA meetings and we're just doing our best to move forward.

It's weird how it is surprising and yet it isn't. Addiction isn't static - porn, hookup sites, actual meeting people and engaging in acting out. All of that feeds those endorphins looking for pleasure over pain (which is what our brains naturally do - always seeking pleasure over pain). It doesn't really surprise me that it has reached this point, I suppose. But, that certainly doesn't make it hurt less. For either of us, I guess.

He hates himself. I told him he's worthy of more than being someone else's sexual object, but he doesn't see himself that way. He feels sick and dirty and generally helpless insofar as steering clear of "trouble".

I am so sorry to all the Survivors here who also experience these feelings and the subsequent guilt and consequences, whatever they may be. I am sorry that you struggle and fight every single f***ing day. For me and for other spouses/partners here - I am sorry for us too. It is very difficult and challenging and ridiculously unfair - for everyone, survivors and partners alike.

For anyone who might read this - may you find comfort and peace in knowing you're not alone. And to remember, YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. I needed to hear it, too.

L4G
 
@Looking4Grace,

As a survivor I understand the pain he is going through. As a married man, I also understand the pain we put our spouses through. I am sorry you are going through this. I have acted out for many years, most in secret, some she knows about. There is an incredible amount of shame that goes along with our behavior, a lot of denial, and a lot of self loathing. Sometimes we don't even know why we are drawn to such behavior, but we do it anyway. I know that through therapy and working on my issues, I have found the real me inside. This authentic me, has repressed who I am sexually for many years, and shoved it so far down inside, I refused to admit it to myself. I am gay, have always been gay, but denied myself for whatever reason. I have built a straight life, had kids, the house, the fence, and by all appearances a normal heterosexual life. But this is not who I am, and now with grown children, decreased responsibilities, and the work I am doing, I am allowing myself to become. This will hurt my family, but it is better than slowly dying inside, and not living authentically. Some say that after 35 years, just keep going in my marriage, but it has been a marriage built on the sands of lies. Has the love been real? Yes! Has my life been wonderful? For the most part yes. Has it been authentic? No! Not until now.

I wish you well on your journey, and thank you for the kind words about being enough.
 
Thank you, @MMotorcyclist . I wish you well on your journey and I hope that you find the peace and calm in your mind and heart that you have been longing for. Hugs to you and to your wife and family as you walk this path. [edited: I had tagged the wrong person - so sorry].

Perhaps this will be my husband's eventual journey at some point, too. I can't say for certain. I can say that it's painful to watch him be in constant pain and it's painful to know that he will probably never be able to be faithful to me ever again. In fact, he has basically said as much. Like you, has the love been real? Absolutely! Without a doubt. In fact, it has been and always will be, come what may. We've built an amazing life together and we have three absolute amazing kids and one granddaughter. So much to be grateful for. But for him, this probably feels like a terminal cancer - something that gnaws at him every day and never goes away to the point that he feels sad and anxious and miserable and no real "winning" solution. Furthermore, at this point he seems to also feel entitled to acting out on his feelings/urges, despite the damage it does to me, to him and to us.

For now, one day at a time.
 
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Alex Zed said:
I'm sorry about what is happening and hope it gets better. You're an inspiration of a kind, I hope you know that.
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Thank you, @Alex Zed. I sincerely appreciate your kind words. I very often feel like I have somehow landed on a desolate island, devoid of hope and completely devastated and not of my own doing. Like, how did I wake up one day and land here?! That's generally true, all things considered. However, we have literally spent a lifetime together. No joke - since kindergarten. We have raised three beautiful, amazing humans and despite all of the devastation happening in the background on our way through life to this very day, we still managed to build a wonderful life and our family - honestly (I'm getting teary-eyed), they are my everything. My kids, my husband, my granddaughter - our life as we know it. It's everything to me. So, I'm still fighting for us. We're still fighting for us. Perhaps we're just dead man walking and neither of us will own up to it, but also, perhaps not. In the meantime, we're working really, REALLY hard to keep US.

I'm doing my own internal work, too. I'm going to therapy, I'm going to seek out the SA-Anon meetings near me and I'm working on my own mindset and letting go of all of the things I can't control (my husband's behaviors and potential to act out again, for instance), so I can find some internal peace and find the person in me that I lost in all of this. I deserve that much and more. In the process, I know that I may discover that I can no longer allow my heart to be trampled upon. One day at a time. This is a treacherous path we all walk on, Survivors and Partners alike. May we all remember that we are loved, that we are enough and that HOPE always, always remains.
 
Hello, I'm sorry you are going through this. I am also a product of CSA. I am also a sex addict in recovery. Long story short I was sexual abused at 5 years old and then again at 12 and 13 by 2 different grown men. Lots of sexual history to share here. I was out of control trying to self soothe with porn, masturbation and hook up apps. I am a gay man in a 30yr relationship with my incredible partner. Who like you has stood by and watched me self destruct. He is still here after all the pain I have caused him. I will tell you what I have done to start my journey to healing. I hit rock bottom when I was acting out anonymously with guys from grindr. I went to an intensive trauma center in Colorado Begin Again Institute (BAI) Base on the Tinsa model. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It focuses on the trauma and the trauma we have caused due to our addiction. I'm taking about my sexual history and reaching out to others. I have a CSAT therapist. It's not easy but I can do this and am worthy of recovery! So is your husband. I wish you healing and peace on this journey.
 
Alex Zed said:
L4G - looks to me like you're handling yourself, your spouse and your family with dignity and care. You have my respect and thank you for sharing your courageous example.
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Thank you, @Alex Zed. I have been "hearing" you say "dignity and care" since you wrote those words on Wednesday. I didn't quite think of that way before, but it's true. Thank you for saying so. I'm doing my best in navigating these unchartered waters.

Buster65 said:
It's not easy but I can do this and am worthy of recovery! So is your husband. I wish you healing and peace on this journey.
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@Buster65 ~ yes! You are enough! You are worthy of recovery and healing and a peaceful heart, mind and body. And so is my husband. And so is your long-time partner and so am I. We are all worthy of finding some peace and healing. I am so sorry you were hurt and I am so sorry for the utter chaos and confusion and hurt and pain it has caused you your entire life. I see it in my husband so I recognize what you are feeling and experiencing and living. I am so glad to hear that you entered into intensive trauma healing and that it has been beneficial for you. That's so great! Grindr is seriously the devil - and not even in disguise. Sigh. I'm glad you are free from it's grip and that you recognize for yourself that you are so much more than all of that. I'm thankful, too, that your partner has stood by your side through all of this. It gives me hope and it helps me put things in perspective. Thank you for responding to my rambling(s) - it means a lot to me to feel heard. And seen.

Hugs to all.
L4G
 
Hello, I could have almost dictated your story from my own story. My husband of 38 years is a CSA survivor and is addicted to gay porn and gay erotic readings. He has at times been on Grindr and talked to other men but as far as I know, has never acted out physically, however it doesn’t stop the pain now does it? Things were going really really well for about a year he had started doing therapy had gotten on some antidepressants, but then apparently quit doing therapy and I have recently found out he’s started reading things again. I do Alanon as the first 25 years of our marriage he was addicted to alcohol too. Not sure where this will head or what the long-term results will be. As you said it’s day by day. Sorry either of us are here, it’s a lonely place to be.
 
Alex Zed said:
Back to the 'Dignity and care' though....thing is, I don't think it counts when things are easy, there isn't any need. When circumstances have become undignified and care vanished because now fear has to be in the way....someone has to be the one who tries to save the Dignity, to preserve it as much and as best they can. When it's gone bad, sometimes just managing preserve a single tears worth of Dignity takes everything we've got, but it's worth it, because from just one tear the river may grow again. And I think that it's helpful when I'm not the only one preserving the tear, if you do it too, then the river can flow again in double the time later, when w have been recovered from the turmoil.

That's why I love you, because I saw someone experiencing the same fears and invasions and sensations as I did being abused, and I saw you preserving the tear and sharing it here, where that kind of tear is useful to the suffering group remaking the River.
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@Alex Zed ~ sending hugs to you. Thank you for caring and for responding and for sharing your thoughts and feelings and hope for brighter days ahead for all. I'm grateful. You're right, I am trying my level best to preserve his dignity and mine and for my grown children, too. I'm trying as hard as I can to look past the acting out and the hurt and the young 32 year old lover reaching out to me to tattle on my 55 year old husband and allegedly clear his conscience (but let's be real - he just wanted to hurt me and to get back at my husband). I'm trying to save my marriage while also trying to facilitate no further harm on my husband's relationships with his children and with our friends and our family and treat all of this with dignity and care because clearly he is not capable of doing so for himself right now. I'm holding all of this space and dark energy with no real outlet for any of it, other than my new therapist. It's difficult and painful and exhausting. So, yes, I'm preserving the tear so that the river can hopefully flow again sometime later. I don't know how much longer I can sustain being the dam before all of this breaks. I'm doing my best, that's for sure.

@karin4him ~ sigh. Yes, it is a lonely place to be, I agree. I do a lot of biting my tongue these days and have been working on taking care of me because it is literally the only thing I can control. Frankly, I deserve to be treated better. So do you. So, for now (probably always?), I'll put in the work to give myself the tools to handle all of this with grace and hopefully find some peace in that along the way. Hugs.
 
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Looking4Grace said:
@Alex Zed ~ sending hugs to you. Thank you for caring and for responding and for sharing your thoughts and feelings and hope for brighter days ahead for all. I'm grateful. You're right, I am trying my level best to preserve his dignity and mine and for my grown children, too. I'm trying as hard as I can to look past the acting out and the hurt and the lover reaching out to me to tattle on my husband and allegedly clear his conscience (but let's be real - he just wanted to hurt me to get back at my husband). I'm trying to save my husband's relationships with his children and with our friends and our family and treat all of this with dignity and care because clearly he is not capable of doing so for himself right now. So, yes, I'm preserving the tear so that the river can hopefully flow again sometime later. I don't know how much longer I can sustain being the dam before all of this breaks. I'm doing my best, that's for sure.

@karin4him ~ sigh. Yes, it is a lonely place to be, I agree. I do a lot of biting my tongue these days and have been working on taking care of me because it is literally the only thing I can control. Frankly, I deserve to be treated better. So do you. So, for now (probably always?), I'll put in the work to give myself the tools to handle all of this with grace and hopefully find some peace in that along the way. Hugs.
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I have joined Alanon which has helped. I’m also checking into Sanon, but that will have to be virtual as there are no meetings locally. I’m hoping I’ll be able to open up more in the Sanon since I tend to dance around the specifics in Alanon due to him being in the AA community and I don’t want to “out” him- at least on days where I’m being logical and caring. I hope you find some level of peace, take care and reach out if you need to talk, so many just don’t get it.
 
karin4him said:
I have joined Alanon which has helped. I’m also checking into Sanon, but that will have to be virtual as there are no meetings locally. I’m hoping I’ll be able to open up more in the Sanon since I tend to dance around the specifics in Alanon due to him being in the AA community and I don’t want to “out” him- at least on days where I’m being logical and caring. I hope you find some level of peace, take care and reach out if you need to talk, so many just don’t get it.
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Thank you! I will and please, feel free to do the same. You are right - people don't understand the complexity, delicacy and fragility of the situation we are in with our husbands. It's not black and white, that's for sure. If my friends were to find out what he was up to last summer (the lover and the various other hookups that also took place), they would tell me to move on. On its face that seems logical. However, you and I both know that it's not that simple.
 
Alex Zed said:
But for me, not for people who have other responsibilities, I didn't do the joy of family, I'm allowed Grindr...@L4Gs spouse got the better beauties I did not, and now takes what is dignified for my situation and not his! Now I'm pissed as well, friendly pissed, but still!
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Hugs to you, @Alex Zed. I'm pissed, too. And hurt and sad and disappointed. Grindr is seriously the devil, and as I mentioned here previously, not in disguise. It's horrible, at least from my perspective. Sigh.
 
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