My hubby is a convicted sex offender
Hi Guize,
First line of importance -- this could be VERY triggering. I also want you to know that I am open to questions and comments that you may have. Above all I am NOT seeking sympathy. *caution probably long*
I have been spending several days attempting to write about this, I get so far and then get "stuck", either comes out with too much unneccessay detail or not enough. So here goes a try.
For those who have been a part of this site for awhile you probably remember the basics but Dave said something in a reply post that got me to thinking.
It has not helped that recently it has been his birthday and this time of year our State sends out a form for him to fill out and mail in stating his current address. Our local County police then do a follow up to verify that he is indeed residing where he states he is. I of course had the joy of answering the door to this Officer who was very polite and kind in talking with me. I was very very frightened that I may say something that could cause suspicion or place my Hubby in danger of the judicial system. The Officer did kindly talk with me about the proposed changes in the law about how far a convicted sex offender may live next to a school or licensed day care. Politics, what a mess!
Before this officer met he made the statement "I spoke with you last year didn't I?" I assured him no, but that I just had one of those "familiar faces". I could not bring myself to tell this officer that I had worked very closely with our Local P.D. and also with him to attempt to develope programs to protect our elderly, he had previously been assigned as a Special Investigator for Crimes Against the Elderly. Truthfully I was just too embarrassed to admit how we had known each other before.
I also had found myself in our conversation about the law changes making statements describing sex offenders as "people with illness's deserving help to not re offend". I also had shared with him in short sentences the harrassment Hubby has recieved at his workplace due to having his picture placed on the S.O. Website without first notifying us.
I asked this Officer if this will be my husbands "birthday present" for the next 6 -7 yrs? As last yr he had to mail in his notification and had a visit from the officer around his birthday also. The officer shared some rather interesting news with me. Initially when a law was passed that convicted sex offenders must register our local state Attny told the officer to not even "try" to enforce this law. Why? Because of the question of legal freedom of information acts & civil rights to live where one wants to live. I myself was aghast at finding this out. Only recently in the past few short years have "some" attempts been made to validate where the Registered S.O's are.
One officer is assigned to verify that over 300 Registered S.O.'s are in ONE county alone. Last year he went in order of last names, this yr he has chosen to go by neighborhoods. ONE officer, for just the one's who REGISTER!!! I question now, what of the S.O's who DON'T register?
The news he shared is that there is in our state one Officer assigned per County to handle the S.O's they will be having a Summit mtg with in a few months to "brainstorm" ideas on how to manage and maintain the info on S.O's and to also PROTECT them from vigilante acts.
Please understand I am in no way making a statement that sex offenders should have a slap on the wrist and let go to rape, pillage and plunder. I am just sharing so that you may have just a little bit of knowledge as we learn ourselves along the way.
As Dave said, there are different levels of sexual offense. I personally believe that while legally they can be designated as minor, major, and or mis-demeanor (my hubby's is a mis-demeanor). The damage done to not only the "Victim", but to the Offender and family, friends and of course our community is ever lasting. I am still at a loss as to how if ever these acts could be healed.
A quick rundown of how my hubby became a S.O. -- He was deeply depressed from his own S.A., my sudden and severe health change, His daughters "leaving the nest" and his sex addiction spinning out of control i.e. porn, prostitutes & masturbation.
His behavior became that of a 20 something, I begged him and our girls to get psych help. I finally had enough and took the advice of my Dr. and left for a long vacation leaving them to "live like hippies". Hubby was consuming alcohol much more than we had ever had before. More and more frequently he was spending time with guys after work that he claimed he disliked. Later I would find out he was also smoking pot something I absolutely abhored in behavior.
He had gone to a work buddies "Bonfire" drank entirely too much, came home to find our 20 yr old having her own drunk fest in which not only did they encourage him to join, but pooled their monies and drove him to buy more liquer for them. (They had cleaned out my entire booze collection that had been in my cupboards for more than 3 yrs.) They all continued to drink.
One young lady who was not a frequent visitor in my group of "acquired kids" was at this drunk fest. She got sick and passed out first, our daughter and her friends cleaned her up and placed her in my daughs. spare bed in her room. Others went onto to continue drinking.
Hubby says the last thing he remembers is finishing a bottle of jack daniels by himself and going to bed at about 8 AM. He remembers waking up with this girl on him. He remembers shoving her off of him and she appeared to be "disgusted" with him for doing so. Apparently she immediately went into our acquired sons bed and crawled in with him. Our daugh. had to be to work and so called to her to get ready to go home. Our daugh would tell me later & in the police report she had woken to go to shower for work and had seen this girl laying on my side of the bed with Dad on his side Cpap on.
A few days later through the coconut line daugh found out that this girl had pressed Rape charges against hubby.
I returned from my vacation some couple weeks later and it took even a couple more weeks for anyone to even tell me the events. I insisted on copies of statements from the PD and each one stated that "No one knew HOW this girl got in bed with my hubby."
I was angry with EVERYONE, especially the PD as I had been working with them for several years and felt that none of them had the balls to tell me face to face what had gone on under my own roof while I was gone.
The girls statement was obviously mostly written by her mother, the handwriting was easy to see. During my hubbys sentencing the girl was not in the court room but had made a "victim impact statement". Hubby admitted to what happened, his attny did not allow for him to speak for himself. Hubby immediately had placed himself in therapy and a sex addicts group. I was amazed to watch the prosecuting attny LIE to the judge when the judge asked was the girl acceptable to the "Plea" the attnys had made just moments before in the hallway. He stated she was well aware and acceptable.
Our coconut line had told us that she had been sent to a "Work Program" by her mother in another state and she had not been in this area for several weeks.
The times that hubby I and could talk without heated emotions we both prayed and hoped that this young woman got the help she so deeply deserved. We had a history with her in the fact that her mother had physically assaulted her & the young girl had called me begging to come live with us. I told her no, that she needed to call the PD and soc. svcs. What I did not know was that her mother was and is a Licensed Soc.Wrkr. The girl had been sent the following summer to live with an aunt and uncle. I recieved a call from her asking if my daugh. could come get her in CO. as her Uncle had been molesting her. Apparently she had contacted the PD and made a statement there. I told her my daugh could if her mother were to call me & tell me she was allowed to come home & live with her. The mother did so, but now I wonder was it mom? or was I duped???
Either way, Hubby said it mattered not HOW this girl ended up having sexual contact with him, he was the adult in the house. It matters not that these were 20 yr old young folks, he illegally provided liquer for other than his daugh. (this state you can provide liqueur for your 14+ yr old children). We knew this girl had at some point in her life been sexually assaulted by SOMEONE at sometime.
The law that my hubby was charged under is a law that is written as: "If sexually contact takes place between 2 people with a 4 year age difference and one is "unable" to give consent that constitutes as a sexual assault". I presume initially the law was written more to protect folks who perhaps have a mental handicap or illness. (i worked in mental health for about 10 yrs and saw how these folks are so taken advantage of by what would seem to be normal healthy adults eerrgghh!!) But, my question to my hubby was this and not being sarcastic but in all honesty.
Each time he and I were out and he was perhaps inebriated and we had sexual contact should I not have been charged under this law? I am after all 5 yrs older than him?
In all of our years of marriage I know that my hubby has NEVER ONCE initiated sexual contact with me. Hubby says that yes it is possible he was so blacked out drunk that he could have inititated sexual contact with this girl. BUT NO ONE, not even the girl in her PD statement could say HOW she got in his room or WHO started the contact.
Is it possible that because of what is very probable an abuse history for her that she made contact with him first? Is it possible that SHE could have actually "sexually assaulted him?". Hubby says no, ultimately as the "adult" he was responsible no matter WHO started what.
I know I have repeatedly heard my hubby say he prays that this young woman gets the help she so deserves. That her life becomes full and happy. We shall never know the answer to that, and my heart breaks that he will never have a chance to tell her how sorry he is for the events that took place that awful night. I myself think tho' that as long as he continues to work his program for sobriety and share to men who so quickly sexualize women into objects he will in some ways be making amends to her. Perhaps that karma will come around and help to heal her damages.
Dave, I have to ask you and anyone else who wants to share can you please explain just a bit further what you mean when you said
"opportunistic offender and a serial offender. I can find a level of understanding, and forgiveness to the opportunistic offender that I can't possibly even begin to imagine for a serial offender, or even for a single offence that is the result of some degree of planning."
1) what do you mean by an "opportunistic offender"?
2) What do you mean by "single offense" that is the result of some degree of planning?
My understanding is that anyone who is going to sexually offend has to build themselves up mentally and emotionally to take the next step to find the "opportunity" to then take action.
So in that line of thinking for me I just am confused that there could be a "single offense" with planning? Isn't there always some form of "practice runs" before the actual offense takes place?
Or Maybe Ken Singer might be able to help me out with these differences also?
Please! please! understand that in no way do I or my hubby seek some form of "excuse for behaviors". But just a better understanding of what drove him "over the line" this time? Of course the alcohol use played a HUGE part in this and it is a topic of discussion that still has contention with it between us. I have faith tho that this will come to an agreement between us.
In facing the next 6 - 7 years of hubby having to register as a S.O. it is very difficult to know that he may never be able to accept a better paying job in a different state because of the Registery laws in constant change from state to state. A great fear fills us both that if he should have an opportunity to take a more fulfilling position the price may be that he would have to start is registry completely over. Although the Officer that I spoke with did say that ONLY multiple (2 or more convictions) force an S.O. to lifetime list, it still carries a great sense of fear. We can Never sell the house we now live in, due to the protection of what is called "grandfathering" in the laws.
I also want to share with you, that not ONCE has my hubby ever complained about his "punishment" for his actions. He fulfills his requirements without so much as a squeek, I see his face though when I got the mail & saw that damn registry, knowing he is so much more than an address and a picture that some cruel unknowledgeable folks can use to hurt him.
I see and know him first during these times, as my partner the MAN who held me & our daughters together during my healing time of my own SA, A BIG MAN who has held our family together as we face my health problems. A man who has not given up on himself and pushes himself to learn and continue to be loving and consistent. A Man who survived childhood sexual abuse.... and here I am ANGRY at the Son of A Bitch who started and created so much pain in such an innocent persons life. I blame that Son of A Bitch for the very actions that happened that awful night.
May Peace Find us All,
Sammy
First line of importance -- this could be VERY triggering. I also want you to know that I am open to questions and comments that you may have. Above all I am NOT seeking sympathy. *caution probably long*
I have been spending several days attempting to write about this, I get so far and then get "stuck", either comes out with too much unneccessay detail or not enough. So here goes a try.
For those who have been a part of this site for awhile you probably remember the basics but Dave said something in a reply post that got me to thinking.
Those words above have triggered a tremendous amount of desire to "release" my understanding of what and how my husband offended. I have some simplistic understanding, and thru reading what these brave men share even deeper understanding. I guess maybe I am seeking not only a way to release into the safty of others who can comprehend the intricacies of SA, but perhaps someone to tell me "Sammy, he is truly MORE than what those unknowing wish to lable him".
It has not helped that recently it has been his birthday and this time of year our State sends out a form for him to fill out and mail in stating his current address. Our local County police then do a follow up to verify that he is indeed residing where he states he is. I of course had the joy of answering the door to this Officer who was very polite and kind in talking with me. I was very very frightened that I may say something that could cause suspicion or place my Hubby in danger of the judicial system. The Officer did kindly talk with me about the proposed changes in the law about how far a convicted sex offender may live next to a school or licensed day care. Politics, what a mess!
Before this officer met he made the statement "I spoke with you last year didn't I?" I assured him no, but that I just had one of those "familiar faces". I could not bring myself to tell this officer that I had worked very closely with our Local P.D. and also with him to attempt to develope programs to protect our elderly, he had previously been assigned as a Special Investigator for Crimes Against the Elderly. Truthfully I was just too embarrassed to admit how we had known each other before.
I also had found myself in our conversation about the law changes making statements describing sex offenders as "people with illness's deserving help to not re offend". I also had shared with him in short sentences the harrassment Hubby has recieved at his workplace due to having his picture placed on the S.O. Website without first notifying us.
I asked this Officer if this will be my husbands "birthday present" for the next 6 -7 yrs? As last yr he had to mail in his notification and had a visit from the officer around his birthday also. The officer shared some rather interesting news with me. Initially when a law was passed that convicted sex offenders must register our local state Attny told the officer to not even "try" to enforce this law. Why? Because of the question of legal freedom of information acts & civil rights to live where one wants to live. I myself was aghast at finding this out. Only recently in the past few short years have "some" attempts been made to validate where the Registered S.O's are.
One officer is assigned to verify that over 300 Registered S.O.'s are in ONE county alone. Last year he went in order of last names, this yr he has chosen to go by neighborhoods. ONE officer, for just the one's who REGISTER!!! I question now, what of the S.O's who DON'T register?
The news he shared is that there is in our state one Officer assigned per County to handle the S.O's they will be having a Summit mtg with in a few months to "brainstorm" ideas on how to manage and maintain the info on S.O's and to also PROTECT them from vigilante acts.
Please understand I am in no way making a statement that sex offenders should have a slap on the wrist and let go to rape, pillage and plunder. I am just sharing so that you may have just a little bit of knowledge as we learn ourselves along the way.
As Dave said, there are different levels of sexual offense. I personally believe that while legally they can be designated as minor, major, and or mis-demeanor (my hubby's is a mis-demeanor). The damage done to not only the "Victim", but to the Offender and family, friends and of course our community is ever lasting. I am still at a loss as to how if ever these acts could be healed.
A quick rundown of how my hubby became a S.O. -- He was deeply depressed from his own S.A., my sudden and severe health change, His daughters "leaving the nest" and his sex addiction spinning out of control i.e. porn, prostitutes & masturbation.
His behavior became that of a 20 something, I begged him and our girls to get psych help. I finally had enough and took the advice of my Dr. and left for a long vacation leaving them to "live like hippies". Hubby was consuming alcohol much more than we had ever had before. More and more frequently he was spending time with guys after work that he claimed he disliked. Later I would find out he was also smoking pot something I absolutely abhored in behavior.
He had gone to a work buddies "Bonfire" drank entirely too much, came home to find our 20 yr old having her own drunk fest in which not only did they encourage him to join, but pooled their monies and drove him to buy more liquer for them. (They had cleaned out my entire booze collection that had been in my cupboards for more than 3 yrs.) They all continued to drink.
One young lady who was not a frequent visitor in my group of "acquired kids" was at this drunk fest. She got sick and passed out first, our daughter and her friends cleaned her up and placed her in my daughs. spare bed in her room. Others went onto to continue drinking.
Hubby says the last thing he remembers is finishing a bottle of jack daniels by himself and going to bed at about 8 AM. He remembers waking up with this girl on him. He remembers shoving her off of him and she appeared to be "disgusted" with him for doing so. Apparently she immediately went into our acquired sons bed and crawled in with him. Our daugh. had to be to work and so called to her to get ready to go home. Our daugh would tell me later & in the police report she had woken to go to shower for work and had seen this girl laying on my side of the bed with Dad on his side Cpap on.
A few days later through the coconut line daugh found out that this girl had pressed Rape charges against hubby.
I returned from my vacation some couple weeks later and it took even a couple more weeks for anyone to even tell me the events. I insisted on copies of statements from the PD and each one stated that "No one knew HOW this girl got in bed with my hubby."
I was angry with EVERYONE, especially the PD as I had been working with them for several years and felt that none of them had the balls to tell me face to face what had gone on under my own roof while I was gone.
The girls statement was obviously mostly written by her mother, the handwriting was easy to see. During my hubbys sentencing the girl was not in the court room but had made a "victim impact statement". Hubby admitted to what happened, his attny did not allow for him to speak for himself. Hubby immediately had placed himself in therapy and a sex addicts group. I was amazed to watch the prosecuting attny LIE to the judge when the judge asked was the girl acceptable to the "Plea" the attnys had made just moments before in the hallway. He stated she was well aware and acceptable.
Our coconut line had told us that she had been sent to a "Work Program" by her mother in another state and she had not been in this area for several weeks.
The times that hubby I and could talk without heated emotions we both prayed and hoped that this young woman got the help she so deeply deserved. We had a history with her in the fact that her mother had physically assaulted her & the young girl had called me begging to come live with us. I told her no, that she needed to call the PD and soc. svcs. What I did not know was that her mother was and is a Licensed Soc.Wrkr. The girl had been sent the following summer to live with an aunt and uncle. I recieved a call from her asking if my daugh. could come get her in CO. as her Uncle had been molesting her. Apparently she had contacted the PD and made a statement there. I told her my daugh could if her mother were to call me & tell me she was allowed to come home & live with her. The mother did so, but now I wonder was it mom? or was I duped???
Either way, Hubby said it mattered not HOW this girl ended up having sexual contact with him, he was the adult in the house. It matters not that these were 20 yr old young folks, he illegally provided liquer for other than his daugh. (this state you can provide liqueur for your 14+ yr old children). We knew this girl had at some point in her life been sexually assaulted by SOMEONE at sometime.
The law that my hubby was charged under is a law that is written as: "If sexually contact takes place between 2 people with a 4 year age difference and one is "unable" to give consent that constitutes as a sexual assault". I presume initially the law was written more to protect folks who perhaps have a mental handicap or illness. (i worked in mental health for about 10 yrs and saw how these folks are so taken advantage of by what would seem to be normal healthy adults eerrgghh!!) But, my question to my hubby was this and not being sarcastic but in all honesty.
Each time he and I were out and he was perhaps inebriated and we had sexual contact should I not have been charged under this law? I am after all 5 yrs older than him?
In all of our years of marriage I know that my hubby has NEVER ONCE initiated sexual contact with me. Hubby says that yes it is possible he was so blacked out drunk that he could have inititated sexual contact with this girl. BUT NO ONE, not even the girl in her PD statement could say HOW she got in his room or WHO started the contact.
Is it possible that because of what is very probable an abuse history for her that she made contact with him first? Is it possible that SHE could have actually "sexually assaulted him?". Hubby says no, ultimately as the "adult" he was responsible no matter WHO started what.
I know I have repeatedly heard my hubby say he prays that this young woman gets the help she so deserves. That her life becomes full and happy. We shall never know the answer to that, and my heart breaks that he will never have a chance to tell her how sorry he is for the events that took place that awful night. I myself think tho' that as long as he continues to work his program for sobriety and share to men who so quickly sexualize women into objects he will in some ways be making amends to her. Perhaps that karma will come around and help to heal her damages.
Dave, I have to ask you and anyone else who wants to share can you please explain just a bit further what you mean when you said
"opportunistic offender and a serial offender. I can find a level of understanding, and forgiveness to the opportunistic offender that I can't possibly even begin to imagine for a serial offender, or even for a single offence that is the result of some degree of planning."
1) what do you mean by an "opportunistic offender"?
2) What do you mean by "single offense" that is the result of some degree of planning?
My understanding is that anyone who is going to sexually offend has to build themselves up mentally and emotionally to take the next step to find the "opportunity" to then take action.
So in that line of thinking for me I just am confused that there could be a "single offense" with planning? Isn't there always some form of "practice runs" before the actual offense takes place?
Or Maybe Ken Singer might be able to help me out with these differences also?
Please! please! understand that in no way do I or my hubby seek some form of "excuse for behaviors". But just a better understanding of what drove him "over the line" this time? Of course the alcohol use played a HUGE part in this and it is a topic of discussion that still has contention with it between us. I have faith tho that this will come to an agreement between us.
In facing the next 6 - 7 years of hubby having to register as a S.O. it is very difficult to know that he may never be able to accept a better paying job in a different state because of the Registery laws in constant change from state to state. A great fear fills us both that if he should have an opportunity to take a more fulfilling position the price may be that he would have to start is registry completely over. Although the Officer that I spoke with did say that ONLY multiple (2 or more convictions) force an S.O. to lifetime list, it still carries a great sense of fear. We can Never sell the house we now live in, due to the protection of what is called "grandfathering" in the laws.
I also want to share with you, that not ONCE has my hubby ever complained about his "punishment" for his actions. He fulfills his requirements without so much as a squeek, I see his face though when I got the mail & saw that damn registry, knowing he is so much more than an address and a picture that some cruel unknowledgeable folks can use to hurt him.
I see and know him first during these times, as my partner the MAN who held me & our daughters together during my healing time of my own SA, A BIG MAN who has held our family together as we face my health problems. A man who has not given up on himself and pushes himself to learn and continue to be loving and consistent. A Man who survived childhood sexual abuse.... and here I am ANGRY at the Son of A Bitch who started and created so much pain in such an innocent persons life. I blame that Son of A Bitch for the very actions that happened that awful night.
May Peace Find us All,
Sammy
)