My healing journey - Possible trigger

My healing journey - Possible trigger
K

karlintexas

New Registrant
Hello,

I have been doing alot of healing work for the past 45 days and seeing a counselor. I am working towards one month of celibacy (no touching, no masturbation, no sex) and I have gotten some clarity. She said self-medicating with stuff, masturbation, alcohol, anything else has hurt me. Sometimes, I feel like a ship that keeps getting pulled back to the rocks and I am hurting so bad and I have been so scared. But I know it is good for me.

This past Friday, I did the most intense healing work ever in my life to try and get back in my body. When my stepfather was sucking my penis when I was 13, my mind just had to leave my body to stay sane. I remember the exact second it happened. I also now know my subsequent addictive sexual behavior was really hurting that 13 year boy inside of me. I have been so sad for the past month dealing with this and have been getting hit by shockwave after shockwave of emotions. But I have stayed safe and made complete healing from this pain number one priority. I can't lead a seperate life anymore. My counselor believes in complete healing!

Recently I have shared with people at church and others that I am suffering from dealing with child sexual abuse issues. I don't go into details but I need to tell people if I am suffering. I am getting support.

Well this is stirring me up a bit just writing this about the abuse as it is still raw from the work I did on Friday. One of my new policies is that I will not overwhelm that sweet wonderful 13 year old child of God inside of me and that he is safe with me. I am really hurting right now -- So I have to go. I really want to stay in my body and not leave again.

If I have offended anyone or stirred up anyone these words, I ask your forgiveness. God's blessings to you on your journey.

Love your brother,
Karl
 
Karl
Hi there, I'm glad you've chosen to come here as part of your healing, the support is wonderful.

I can tell that you're making a hell of an effort there, and I'm sure it's worth it.

Stick around, there's a bunch of good guys here who understand.

Dave
 
Karl: As Dave said welcome to our sanctuary.

At first when dealing with SA it is a time of teror and unbelievable emotional upheavals. But you are on the right trek. It will be filled with bumps and pot-holes but now you are no longer alone in this journey. We are right there with you. You will find no rejection, critism or denigrating here. Only brotherly love, compassion, understand, strong shoulders to lean on and yes some fun too.

So as Dave says stick around, listen, post, help and heal with us.

Welcome to a new brother Karl

The guys here are the greatest group of men that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and being with.

There are some great articles to be found at this URL https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/index.htm and they have helped me a great deal
 
Hey, Karl,

Just had to take a few minutes and welcome you to MS.

Your story of your step-father--step-father, my ass, here's a guy who's supposed to be watching out for you, loving, encouraging you,and he's setting you up for more trouble than most 13 year olds have to deal with--really got to me.

My teacher--another oxymoron--who not only sucked my penis but got me to suck his, was another one of those users who had no concern for the trouble he's caused me in my life.

My heart goes out to you, Karl. You've already heard from a couple of the guys here, Dave and Mickey, and you'll no doubt hear from more of your new brothers.

We're family here but we treat each other better than any family most of us have ever seen.

Take your time, write when you can, take it easy on yourself and get ready to meet the rest of your brothers--and maybe a sister or two, too.

David
 
kARL,
OK this is the 3rd time i've tried to post this, only cuz I keep screwin it up b4 i get it posted,then accidently posted it b4 i got a msg on board. . duh me!
Seriously now Karl, welcome to this wonderful place. I found out a long time ago my hubby2 is a survivor and knew about my own -- what i didnt know is how much harder it is for the men to not only diclose but to find a suport group that is worth its salt
this is the right place in my opiion. I've learned a lot tremedously here not only about themale side of sa but of myself as well.
So good luck and forge thru, there is much to gain here for oneeself... and the guys are great at helping out....
May Peace fill you ~ a sister in healing, Sammy
 
Sorry Karl. I could only get at your second paragraph, and could not read further. I feel bad of that, guilty, and felt i needed to tell you I not read your whole post. I am glad that you are able to be clearer now. I hope that you continue to do well.

Leosha
 
Hello Karl,

I found your post very encourageing. You and your therapist are working hard and seem not willing to accept half-measures.

Loving your precious 13year-old is very healing. At least, that was a healing experience for me. The next step was for me to accept that the 13 year old who is so easy to love and care for, is me. He is not a separate person, the boy down the street, he is you. You are recognizing that bad things happened to you and that you deserved to be loved as you are now able to love yourself as the 13 year old.

I think you are going to do really well on the path to being well, not just less ill.

Bob
 
Thanks for everyone for their kind words of support. The last 11 days have been very good, there have been a lot of feelings coming up inside of me. The pain has been strong and I have dealt with feelings and desires to self-medicate with the behaviors of the past.

I have been journaling quite a bit and this is helping me alot deal with these emotions. Part of what I recently wrote: "I am a wonderful child of God who has been lost but I know the truth and I have been with Jesus. There is no turning back, the light is waiting for me."

love your brother,
karl
 
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