My G/F thinks I'm some kind of horrible person

My G/F thinks I'm some kind of horrible person
O

onefastbike

Registrant
I'm not sure where to start...

In the beginning the was SA by a male teacher in Grade 6....

Life long depression/rage... ect...

But anyhooooo..

I make jokes about stuff like Broke Back Mountian (aka The Humpy Horseman), or when the local male gay community uses our street for parking to get down to their illegal nude beach I complain that "the fags got all the parking"...

I don't hate gay people. I have even had 1 or 2 gay friends (but I have to admit i found out they were gay after we became friends)

When I try and explain that I don't "HATE" gays it comes out wrong..

I try and say that I am "intollerant" of gay... but even that makes me feel (and look in her eyes)like some kinda Nazi.

She can not understand my disdain, but I can not expect her to. I guess I really don't either.

In my head I know Pedophile does not = Gay or vise versa. I think I even know it at a deeper level.

I am also tired of having gay rammed down my throat (THAT came out wrong)...
But now Gay seems cool or trendy.

As you can see I am confused about my feelings and can not begin to explain them to her.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME?
 
Hi OFB,

Interesting subject. I have a thought on your question. Of course I'm no therapist and know little about you other than what you've shared above. That's not much to go on of course, but I'll give it a go.

Could it be that somewhere in your subconscious you're afraid of the fact that you may be "gay" yourself, you don't want to accept that, so this talk you do is a subconscious way of downing yourself in an effort to make it not so?

I've know others who did that for exactly those reasons. Doesn't absolutely mean that's what you're doing, but it's a possibility.

I think it's good that you're thinking about it and asking these questions.

Lots of love,

John
 
OFB,

I think that

A) While you may not hate, you think gay is inferior or second best.

B) You probably experienced physical pleasure during the abuse.

C) You assume that teacher was gay.

D) You worry that having felt sexual pleasure from another male makes you gay, gayish, bisexual, or something other than 100% straight.

Calling gays 'fags', joking about BB Mountain, admitting you are intolerant, resenting the attention that gays may be receiving right now - these are all ways you use to separate yourself from being gay in any way.

You probably still do believe that Gay = Pedophile.

And you do not accept that your body simply reacted to the physical sensations you experienced as a boy. You probably feel, deep down, that if you experienced ANY pleasure from what a male did to you, then you might somehow, someway, some day be gay.

This is just my quick opinion, but I hope you will think about these two ideas.

1) Your body reacted as it was designed to - this says nothing about your sexuality except that all your parts were working well when you were a boy.

2) Gay DOES NOT EQUAL Pedophile.
 
I think one question that needs to be asked is: Does you girlfriend know about your sevual abuse? If yes, then isn't she being intolerant of you and what you have experienced. I have no trouble with gays either (I think our genes determine that), but I also have a problem with anyone demanding that I accept their lifestyle. I do not demand anyone accept my beliefs, so don't demand I accept yours. People are free to life how they want without interference from others and that is all that tolerance is. No more, no less.
 
OFB,

I would have to agree with a lot of what Don is saying. You seem to be reacting in a very defensive way to the recent prominence of gay issues in the news, as if you have to prove that all this has nothing to do with you.

But bear in mind that most abusers are heterosexual and that if a perp wants sex there are lots of less risky ways of getting it than abusing children. What the perp is after is power, such total power over a defenseless child as to compel the boy to give up what he would least want to offer - sex. It's really about power, and sex is just a means to an end.

We also need to remember that homosexuality is a part of who gay men are, it is a part of their personality and not a choice they make like turning the lights on or off. Abuse, on the other hand, is a vicious crime committed against a child. The one really is not the other; to compare them would rather be like saying apples are oranges, because both grow on trees.

Finally, gay isn't being rammed down your throat. Again, you seem to be reacting in a sensitive way to the news these days. What is being rammed down our throats is anti-gay campaigning aimed at targeting a vulnerable minority for political purposes. I am quite sure most gays would like nothing more than to be left to live their lives in peace, with the same rights as the rest of us.

I hope I don't sound like I am dumping on you; that isn't my aim. I would just suggest that you have a lot of confusion and mixed emotions running, which would be entirely understandable in an abuse survivor.

I wish you all the best in dealing with these issues. In that area therapy really is the way to go, especially in an area so complicated and sensitive as this one.

Much love,
Larry
 
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