My full story and my actual struggle - MAJOR TRIGGERS

rabbit93

Registrant
Sorry guys for my poor grammar because I am from Brazil.

Well, I started to be abused when I was very young and was the son of separated parents, I do not even remember the right age, but I know that between 4 and 5 years of age it started and it was with my uncle's boyfriend. I have a vague memory of him putting his hand on my penis, at the time get excited and did not bored what happened and I ended up grabbing his penis too, after that I do not remember anything. A little older in the 6 years of I was abused by two different groups of cousins, both groups were siblings and older than I. The first couple had an age difference of 1 year to 3 compared to me and I believe it was a more innocent thing. They told me that it was a plaything called "sex" and they told me that they had seen their parents do this. Soon after we started to practice on each other, but none of us ever got penetrated. One day they were in my house and my mother caught us. I remember that on the next day they were gone and when I woke up and my father was there and came to talk to me, saying it was wrong and it was gay,a fag thing, I do not remember exactly how it was spoken. Now I will tell about the abuse I suffered for the second group of brothers and to tell the truth I do not know for certain which group of cousins started first, but the age difference was greater, between 5 and 7 years old, I do not know for sure. The first abuse happened behind my grandmother's house in the old chicken coop, he also said it was a plaything (I think)he took me there and lowered my pants and my underwear and asked me to crouch, then I started to feel his penis dragging between my anus and my scrotum, he also could not penetrate me.After this every time that I would go to their house to play video games they would do this to me, sometimes when I did not let them do what they wanted, they blackmailed me saying that they would not let me play. Sometimes they disagreed with each other when it happened blackmail and the younger brother said that if I let the older brother do what he wanted, my anus was going to be destroyed, and at that point I started to cry and they stopped for a while. Even with all these abuses I did not get penetrated and once I ended up sucking on the younger brother's penis.

In the period of these abuses I can also say that I came to make a sexual things also with my female cousins of more or less age and with my half sister and her older friends. My sister kept asking if I had already had sex with my uncle just because I already had I slept there at his house and because he was gay, I lied and said that yes just for her not stop sucking me off and also let me continue to lick her. I had a maid who once let me lick her pussy too when I was very young, I should have been around for 5 years. It got really messed up chronologically, but I summarized these events that took place between my 4 and 14 years of age. When I was 8 years old my mother caught me again, this time making a blowjob for a friend of my age, but it was not me who started. My father again came to me and said that this was a fag thing and I was very ashamed.

When I turned 11 I went to live with my father and my stepmother, in that period I started to masturbate just for the pleasure and it was then that I had the first orgasm, I did not even have access to pornography. In that year something would happen, I would change forever . Once I went to spend my weekend at my uncle's house that was gay, I liked him very much and knew that he loved me, always gave me gifts, whenever I went ill he helped my mother and took me to the hospital, always made me laugh. I always had a good relationship with his boyfriend, he always made me laugh too and treated me well, took me to the movies sometimes and etc. On Saturday I was with them I was talking about how grown I was and that I could already ejaculate a drop and already had romantic interests with the girls of my school and so far so good.Now the next day my uncle had left and stayed all day alone with my uncle's boyfriend he made a bed on the floor and put the van helsing movie for us to watch. I was wearing pants and no shirt and so did he. He started to caress me in the chest, but so far nothing.Then started to lower his hand up to my belly and slowly to my penis, but over my pants. I was motionless and the pleasure I felt was very high. Without even processing what was happening I lowered my pants and my underwear a little and he started to masturbate me, it was an immense pleasure and a very great arousement, I could not think.Then he asked if I wanted to hold his penis and I did not answer, I was paralyzed and he continued. Soon after he whispered " do not tell anyone" It was at that moment that a wave of guilt, shame and unimaginable sadness came. Something inside me knew that was wrong and that was not my role as a man. I started crying desperately and he stopped and came even to me saying I did not become gay and I was not going to become gay. I stayed there crying for a few minutes later he took me to a games room at the mall and then I went home without telling my father anything.Then I would masturbate with heterosexual thinking, but sometimes i would catch myself thinking about what would have happened if I had not stopped him and started fantasizing him penetrating me. Some other times I was in my uncle's house, his boyfriend was drunk and when we were alone he would tell me how much he had done to me and it seemed to be in a sarcastic tone. I had a moment that I was looking at the pc and he ran his hand up under my butt. A little later I was already 14 years old in my uncle's house again with my grandmother, but my uncle's boyfriend was not there I started to feel angry at what he did to me and I decided to tell my grandmother.Then when she started to go further thinking that he had raped me, I said no and I told her just what he had done. My uncle heard and started yelling at me saying that I was lying, saying that I wanted to destroy his relationship just because he was gay, he probably would have beaten me if my grandmother had not been there. They started to tell me that I was lying and was possessed, he started to saying to me that my mother never cared for me and etc.After a while before going to bed I was talking with my grandmother about what had happened and she told me " Why did not you stop him when he started touching you? "and then I was ashamed and I quieted.My mom came to get me the day next and she was very nervous because she had to come from a long distance and began to scold me.After I spoke with my father and he was much more understanding calm and asked what had happened and said that I could tell him everything without fear. I did everything I had to talk about what happened on the day of abuse and then nothing was done. They did not denounce anyone and did not even stop having contact with my uncle or his boyfriend. My grandmother was staying in the house of my uncle and I did not want to go there anymore but my father made me go and when we got there my father was still complimenting my abuser. Until today I'm angry about it.

Years were spent with compulsive masturbation, sometimes I fantasized about gay sex, but for me at least at the time it did not really affect me because I thought I was not to blame for that. It was a disease, a deviation caused by the abuse.When I turned 18 I lost my virginity to a girl, but even keeping my erection for a long time with a lot of excitement I could not reach orgasm. I was thinking a lot about it because everything about her attracted me, her breasts, her vagina, the scent.Low time after I had my first wet dream and it was a very gay dream.I woke up desperate, crying talking that it was not me, that I was not gay but this time I failed to act as if the blame was not mine. The orgasm that I felt in the dream was more intense than any of the other times that I masturbated. I ended up creating another compulsion but in the speech and kept repeating "I do not like dick, I just like pussy" several times in the day.I would spend a lot of time masturbating ceaselessly in heterosexual content to prove that I am not gay and I was excited to see women, but in those days I had a rain of wet gay dreams. I was afraid of sleeping, it was horrible.After some time having these wet dreams it happened that I could contain the orgasm waking up suddenly and being able to feel a little less worse. I do not really understand this because I do not feel attracted to men nor by their physicality, I do not possess any romantic desire either, but these depraved thoughts continues.I am 25 years old now going through some of the worst moments of my life, my father in whom I had a greater connection and greater confidence died in june of 2017, I do not know what to do, I seem to be trapped in this situation, and those thoughts do not seem to be gone. There are a couple of weeks ago I was on a porn site and one of the videos that appeared on the home page was with the photo of a transsexual and a dick ejaculating.I could not control my impulse and I ended up clicking on the video and I was very aroused, it seems that these types of videos were made for people who have been abused, from the images, the voices, the background music, and you keep thinking about surrendering to it. I do not get excited with normal gay porn because I'm not attracted to men, so this video of transsexual attracted me so much because it is the body of a woman but with a penis and I long to be penetrated, which is the only thing that has not happened in any of the abuses(I have no desire to crossdress).After this video I began searching for this hypnotic type of pornography and some hentais(erotic japanese animations) categorized as "feminization" and you know what, they're full of stories of teenage boys being abused very much like my case and what almost kills me is that I fantasize about being these boys and it excites me.In the end when I just finished masturbating comes that overwhelming shame, that disgust of myself, the regret of knowing that it does not fit my personality or what want to be.

My resistance to this type of pornography is ending, now even when I see heterosexual pornography with anal penetration or the sight of penises it triggers in me these thoughts and feelings. If I stop masturbating, I fear that wet dreams will return with full force. I get fear one day I give up fighting this for a few moments and end up acting out, to finally sink into a pit of bitterness and resentment in what seems to me to be the point of no return ... I feel trapped in almost 2 options: to have a controlled life and difficult or almost none sexual relations, or to surrender to the depraved deviations of behavior that I hate and may give me much carnal pleasure and live a life of shame and self hate. Sometimes I think of disappearing and other times if someone could erase all the memories from my brain and start over.

This the first time a shared this with anyone,at least the full story.I've found this site when I was searching about the consequences of child sexual abuse to try to understand what is happening to me and encountered an article called "Sexual Desorientation of Male Sexual Abuse Survivors" from Joe Kort and it was mentioned in one of the threads of this forum.Now i'm here.
 
Welcome Rabbit93, sorry you need to be here and for what you were put through, especially not being believed and protected after telling. Yeah, sexual abuse destroys so much in a child, it brings absolute chaos into an immature child's mind about sexuality.
 

PRFL

Registrant
Welcome, Bem-vindo, Rabbit93!
That is so much that you are struggling with! You are most definitely not alone, as you'll find out when you read our stories. I can relate to so much of what you are going through! I hope you find this place as useful as it's been for me.
Being isolated really makes things worse, and I've found it so helpful to be able to reach out and know that there are plenty of understanding men that are supportive in our journeys.
PRFL
PS: your English is very good, I'm very impressed. I myself am a Spanish speaker and understand a little (very little) Portuguese, and after 34 years in the mainland US I still have doubts about how best to express myself in English (and sometimes and expression in my native language makes a lot more sense).
 

rabbit93

Registrant
Thanks to all of you guys for the support it means a lot to me.My life has been pretty shitty lately.

George I wish one day to have my own family with a good wife and kids too but, at this particularly moment of my life it seems like an impossible goal.It doesn`t seem like these urges will ever go away, even more now that they came back with full strength.
 
Hey Rabbit93,
Thank you for sharing your story and strugle.
You are not alone in this. I have a very similer trauma related addiction/compultion.
I am glad that you are able to talk about it and share your strugle with others.

This can be a particularly confusing and shameful fanticy/compultion especially for a male trauma victim.
It drove me into a lot of isolation and increased trauma for many years.

Your bravery has been both inspiring and helpful to me.
Thanks again,
Mike
 
Feel bad for what hapen to you. I think you should contact a therapist he would help for sure and most important support you. Take care.
 

rabbit93

Registrant
Thanks for the advice, but I find it hard to trust therapists because I've known a some them for me the majority is very unprepared and can't look on things with an objective perspective.
 
I understand - the issue of TRUST is very important for effective therapy to take place. Perhaps just being on the board, sharing your feelings, etc. will help, at least temporarily. Perhaps you will then get to a place where you are able to attempt to trust another therapist and give therapy another try.
 
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