My Friend

My Friend
T

Todd Sedaway

New Registrant
Hello. I have come to this site 9 days ago because my friend Kurt went missing. I found out that Kurt comes to this site when his mom asked me to come over to their house and try to guess the password to his computer. Once I guessed the password I looked at his internet history to see if I could find any clues to where he had gone. I didnt really find any clues but I did find that this site, along with a few others, is a site that my friend comes to a lot. I didn't tell my friend's mom about what I found, though. Once I found this out I signed up for the message board and started trying to talk to people here to see if they knew where Kurt went. They did not know but they talked to me a little anyway because they are nice.

Well, today my friend was found. He was found passed out in someoes doorway in a big part of the city where we live. The lady that found him called the cops who had him brought to the hospital. There he was treated for alcohol poisoning and they put charcoal in his stomach. At least I think that's what his mom said. I don't know, It sounds wierd to me. So now Kurt is in the hospital and he hasnt come out of being unconsious yet but the doctor says he thinks he will wake upsoon and be fine. Right now he is just in the hospital hooked up to some i.v. to give him some kind of medicine or something.

Now that I have explained all that stuff, i need some advice about this. How do I tell Kurt about coming to this site and finding out that he comes here? He is gonna be real mad when he finds out but I don't want him to be mad at me. I didn't snoop around on his computer just for the fun of it. I went on his computer because his mom wanted me to try to find clues about where Kurt ran away to. So can anyone give me advise about what to say to him? Thank You.
 
Todd,

I don't really know what you could say to Kurt about finding this site, other survivors on here will probably have some good adice on how to broach that subject, if at all.

I just want to say, hurray for you. You're obviously a good and caring friend. Exactly the kind of guy Kurt needs by his side. Stay there and hold his hand or pat his back or smash fists or whatever you guys always do. It might be too much for Kurt right now to know that you know what you do or it might be a relief; I really don't know.

I don't know how old you are, but I know you're both kids. Knowing what you now do will be rough on you too. Be aware of that and take precautions for yourself that will extend to Kurt. If his friends or classmates find out from anyone other than him, it would be devastating to Kurt. I'm not saying you would intentionally hurt him, but you'll have a need to talk as well. When you do, I'd hazard a guess that you're parents may be the only "safe" people to do that with, not friends.

Kurt needs alot of love and support right now. Once he begins to physically recover, having a good friend by his side will be priceless.

Todd, you did a very good thing.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
Todd,

That's great news that Kurt has been found. I'm sure that's a tremendous relief to you. But still there's the big problem: what now?

First, you didn't do anything wrong and you shouldn't feel wierd about knowing things now about Kurt. His Mom asked you to check his PC, and you didn't have any idea what you would find there. I know you feel awkward with this information, but life is like that sometimes, okay? The truth of the matter is that you are Kurt's best friend, and it will help him a lot to know that he has someone like you on his side now.

When Kurt is out of hospital and back home, he will sooner or later discover that you know. That isn't a bad thing. But he will be very worried about that, and there are some things he will need to know from you.

1) The most important thing he will need to know at first is that you will not tell ANYONE. He will want to know how much you know: just tell him the truth. You know that he comes here and you understand why, but no one here broke confidence with him. This is important because when a guy has things like this to talk about, HE has to decide to do that when he's ready. He needs to feel secure that his information still belongs to him.

2) He will need to know that you don't blame him and you know that if a kid is abused it's not his fault.

3) He will need to know that you are still his best friend and you don't look at him differently. We have talked about some of these things already. He will especially need to know that he can talk to you and trust you.

If you have any questions or other things to talk about, just ask. Don't think that your question is gross or stupid. If you don't know, asking is the best way to find out.

Much love,
Larry
 
thanks todd what a relief ,i hope to see kuurt here again someday he was a good friend to me also shadow
 
Todd,

I hope you will keep us posted on how Kurt is doing. He has quite a few friends here and has been missed.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you for informing us Todd, many of us had wondered what became of him.

I myself was pretty close to that point when I was his age......but I never tried to confide with a friend either.....I never gave anyone a chance. You have that chance to help Kurt now.........and Roadrunner has told you everything you should do while you talk to him.

Tell Kurt he's always welcome back here ok?
 
Todd

I think Kuurt is crying for help. If someone has run away from his house and drunk so much to give himself alchol poisioning then I think he is crying for help.

In my past I have written a letter which I though was burnt. But in the start of this year it was found. This letter asked for help, although not in such clear writing but it did.

My dad found this letter about 10 years ago and never tried to talke to me about it, he passed away a few years ago. Then my mom found the letter and she did nothing.

If only my dad would have talked to me when he found the letter I would have been on the road to recovery much sooner.

You now know about this site and things Kuurt is feeling. I think that you should sit down and talked to him about this. He needs to understand that you are there for him and that you care about him. I think if he know's that you know and you are willing to help him that he will open up as well.

Together you and him can seek then help for him. Remeber that you need to belive in him. Do the things that roadrunner has put in his post.

I think that Kuurt has had a cry for help and you have answered it. You need to stand now by him and help him through this.

Even if he does not want to talk to his mother, you need to get a grown up to listen and believe in Kuurt and help Kuurt.

I hope that all is still well with him.
Please let us know what is happening with him and you. We will always be here to give some sort of advise.

Jaco
 
Todd,

I would like to write to you as a father, a survivor and finally as someone who also has a friend who has been abused but has not disclosed.

First, the father part. I have tears in my eyes as I type this to know that Kurt has you for a friend. Perhaps you are already aware of the good thing that you've done. Perhaps not yet, but over time I hope you can appreciate how pure your act of friendship towards Kurt really was. Stand tall today Todd.

Next, the survivor part. I can only echo what others have already posted about keeping this news about your friend to yourself. You stumbled on it by accident and now it's up to you and Kurt to work this out. Be there for him with support and friendship. He's still the same Kurt you were able to befriend. You just know a bit more about him now.

Finally, as someone who knows someone who was abused but has not disclosed. This is a tough one because disclosing is up to him and no matter how much I think it may help him to disclose his abuse, I cannot force the issue and it would be a huge betrayal if I would let that news out. Wouldn't you agree that your friend Kurt has already been betrayed enough?

Kurt has many on this site who have high hopes for his recovery. With help from professionals and a lot of hard work he can do this.

Thanks for posting Todd. Like Roadrunner said, if you have any questions of your own please feel free to post. Kurt found out very quickly that he was not alone. You're not alone either.

Take good care of yourself and thanks again for what you've done for your friend.

Someone once wrote that a friend is someone who knows everything about you and still manages to like you. Welcome to MS.

Regards,

Zipser
 
i agree. coming out has to be his choice, when he is ready. this is a very personal thing, and if he is coming here, eventually we'll wear him down and he will tell. it took me awhile. coming out is a very scary thing.

the best thing you can do for him now is be a friend. outing him, and telling him you know may trigger a lot of bad feelings in him that he isnt ready to deal with. if he reads he will figure it out. i would let him aproach you with it. you may very well be the person he needs, someone he can talk to. i wish you both the best.

jeff
 
if you talk to kuurt please remind him that we had deal he will know what it means thanks shadow
 
Kurt woke up late last night and today I am going to visit him in the hospital some time in the evening. I am so confused because I don't know if I should just tell him about how I know or not! I want to do the best thing but I don't know what it is.
 
When you are not sure, the best thing is to do and say nothing about it yet.

Just be there for him tonight, and be his friend.

When he gets back online, he will probably see this, so if you can't talk to him about it before he is released, then maybe you should just let him read this.

But you might want to add a message here telling him you will talk if and when he wants to, but otherwise you won't say a word.

You're a good friend and a good guy, Todd. Let Kurt decide what to do and say, and when.
 
Todd
tell the truth, it might make Kurt mad for a while but ride it out if that happens, and just 'be there for him'.

We've grown up in a world of lies and deciet, and I for one don't need any more.
Kurt has been honest with us, and we're honest with him, so it's something he's getting used to.

Tell him we care, and thanks for what you did to help him.

Dave
 
Todd,

Thank you so much for letting us know that kuurt has been found. His online friends have missed him. In addition to seconding everything Larry has said above, I also want to echo the "Stand Tall Today Todd" post -- I'm in awe of what you have done for your friend.

John
 
Todd,

As you can see, everyone here is concerned and thankful that Kurt will be OK. We're concerned for you too. I've read each of the guys responses but what does that tell you? Probably not much since you ask the same question -- what do I do? Everyone has a different opinion but they all lead to the same ending - to protect Kurt from any more hurt.

You're a true friend and you know him better in his world than anyone here. He'll know you care and that you're a good friend the minute you walk through his hospital room door.

It think it's a safe bet that his Mom has or will soon tell him that she asked you over to search his computer in an effort to find him. He'll wonder then what you know and will probably drop hints to find out. In other words, he'll bring it up, although in a round about way, and you won't have to figure out how to do it. At that point, listen to Dave and don't lie to him. Tell him what you found and tell him it doesn't matter to your friendship. Talk as little or as much as he wants. Reassure him that if you didn't love him as a friend you sure as hell wouldn't be standing in his hospital room - maybe with his favorite stuffed animal, if he has one and if not, maybe you could bring him one - they seem to be quite popular around here. ;)

ROCK ON........Trish
 
I went to the hospital last night to visit Kurt. I brought him a Juxtapoz magazine, since that is his favorite. His mom wasn't there (she was coming later that night) so when my parents dropped me off, he and I were the only ones there. We talked about a lot of stuff, he said he wasn't feeling too bad, just freaked out that he had been out so long and that he was in a hospital hooked up to an IV and stuff. We started talking about him running away and he was bein kinda wierd and trying to tell me why he did it. Then I kinda panacked and just decided that I should tell him that I know about this site...because it was just weighing on my mind and I was feeling guilty. I told him about how his mom had me look at his computer and that I lied to her and told her I couldnt figure out the password even though I had figured it out. Then I told him that I checked his internet history because I was worried about where he went and I wanted to see if I could find any clues. Then I was like,"Dude, I saw that you go that Male Survivor Website, and I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be nosey but I found it and I didnt want to lie to you about it." And he said,"I don't even know what you mean. I have never been to that site." And he got uncomfortable and wouldn't look at me anymore. And he kept repeating,"Seriously dude, I don't know that site, It must be a mistake." Then I said, "It's ok, man, It really is. I talked to Roadrunner and some other guys and they know you. But it's ok, I don't think you're a freak, and I'm not gonna tell anybody, ok?" And then he just staired down at his hands and didn't say anything. Then he started saying, "It's a mistake, it must be a different person they know, they don't know me," and just saying that kinda stuff then he started to freak out. He all of a sudden put his hands over his face and started taking really deep breaths and then he started crying. I have never seen Kurt cry ever. He kept saying, "I don't even know what that site is. You dont understand." And I didn't know what to do. And he kept crying more and so I finally said, "Dude, it's ok." and he took his hands off his face and looked at me with his face all red and wet and looking really upset. Then he ripped the IV out of his arm and the heart monitor off his figer and struggled to get out of bed. I asked him where he was going and told him he should just keep laying down and he just didn't listen and then went into the bathroom and locked the door. I knocked on it and asked him to come out because I could hear he was freaking out in there. He didnt say anything to me and before I knew it the nurse or doctor or whoever the lady was came into the room because she saw on the computer that the heart moniter wasn't hooked up anymore. Once I told her he locked himself in the bathroom she told me I had to leave, that it would be better if I just visited some other time. I didn't want to leave but I had to. So I called my parents on my cellphone and they came and picked me up.

Is this what yall were thinking would happen? Ever since last night I have felt so bad. I think I didn' tell him right, I messed it up. I feel like it turned out so much worse than ithought it would. What do you guys think? I am gonna get this post removed by the mods so that when Kurt comes home either tomorrow night or the next night he won't see it. I think that might help. I don't know what else to do to make it better. But if anyone wants to write anythng before I get this taken off the boared, then that would be cool. Thank You.
 
Todd,

I don't think you messed it up at all. Remember that you are 15 and didn't ask to get in this situation. This was bound to be difficult for Kurt to hear, bro, but he really did need to know directly from you and you picked a good time, when you had some privacy for awhile.

What's important now is to keep up the contact with him. Visit him again, if you can, but don't bring up the subject of Male Survivor unless he does. If it comes up, make clear to him that no one here broke confidence with him, and that the guys here were just trying to give you an understanding of the issues: it's not the victim's fault, he's not wierd, etc.

The bottom line is that Kurt is still an ordinary 16 yo teenager, and you should not treat him any differently from how you did in the past. Be ready for any signs that he wants to talk, and if he insists that it's all a huge mistake and he knows nothing about the site, just let it go.

You have done a lot to help Kurt and he's so lucky to have you as a friend.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi Todd.

I think you did the right thing as well. Kuurt needs to know that you will stand by him no matter what.

I do not think that you must remove this post. When Kuurt comes back to the site he will see all what yo have written and see that you were only trying to help.

Maybe just maybe he will then realise that you are a tru friend and someone that he can talk to.
At the end of the day it is still you who will make that decission in removing the post.

Kuurt can be lucky to have a friend like you now. At least he can talk to someone once he accdepted the fact that you came here and found out about these things.

You must be strong and really try and help him. Please stay here with all of us, as all of us is going through a lot while we recover.
You are always welcome to ask here for advise even if you do not use the post then at least you can PM some of the members and get their reply on your questions.

My hart really goes out to you and Kuurt.

God speed and much love to you both

Jaco
 
todd,kuurt is a very strong young man ,and it will be hard for him knowing that you know he was hurt,i would tell him that all you know is that he got hurt ,not that you know any details of what happened,if you do .he will think you see him as weak .also i would explain that no one here talked about what happened to him only about our concern for him.he needs to understand that you came here looking for help ,not to dig into his very personal experiences .dude i hope that you and kuurt can both become a part of this site again ,there are people here who can help both of you .please if you get a chance ask him if he remembers the deal he made with shadow. god i wish we could do more to help both of you . you are a true friend and kuurt needs one like so bad . thanks for caring enough about him to try to help shadow
 
You truly are a good friend. This could be very difficult for your friend kuurt to accept. Its possible that he is not ready for his friends and family to know about his history.

Whatever you do, just give him the unconditional love you always have. Nothing is more scary than feeling rejected. When I was tired of keeping my past a secret I confided in a friend of many years, he responded by basically never speaking to me again. I respect his choice but, I'm glad that you are not like that, just be supportive of him.
 
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