My friend doesn't fit the usual profile

My friend doesn't fit the usual profile
S

sillygirl49

Registrant
I read the posts by family and friends of survivors but none seem to fit the profile of my boyfriend who just turned 65 years old but was abused by a female co-worker who was about 17-19 years old when he was about 10-13 years old. I am the only person he has ever told his "secret" and have been dating him for three years. I'm 51 years old. I think the abuse has interfered with him having any long-term relationship, as he has never married. The problem is that he views sexual intercourse with me as taking advantage of me. While it is true that I was married and in an emotionally abusive relationship for many years where my husband did take advantage of me sexually, my new bf is the complete opposite and I know he would never do that to me. I have been in counseling since my divorce and haven't told my counselor about his abuse because I feel I would be betraying his confidence, yet our relationship is the subject of my own counseling and my counselor and I have discussed the fact that my bf and I have some peculiarities when it comes to sex. Of course my counselor would never think it's anything about sexual abuse. My bf has no plans to do anything differently and in fact claims the abuse did not hurt him and that if he saw this woman today he'd have nothing but thanks for what she did...by the way, she never touched him but made him do things to her (he calls it teaching him). Do I have any cause for concern, do you think, other than this refraining from sexual intercourse? Could it be true that he doesn't suffer from any adverse consequences of the abuse in his mind?
 
Abusers use many different ways to get what they want. One is teaching a child instead of letting them learn on there own things of a sexual nature. Even though this seems less harmful it is not. My abuser used this angle as many do when they have your trust. It still probably created many hardships in his life as you said in your post he never was married. Only he knows that answer for sure. You might have him come and read here at MS maybe something will ignite his passion to resolve some issues from his past.
 
sillygirl49,

I would say that it's certainly possible that his attitudes towards marriage and intercourse have been shaped by his abuse history. A boy who was "taught" to do sexual things to an adult woman will eventually discover that he was tricked and used, and would naturally come to conclude that this reflects what sex is all about: one person using another for their own gratification.

You might ask him if he is willing to talk about this more with you. If he is willing, then more might come out. If he isn't willing, then that calls into question his claim that what happened didn't hurt him.

Much love,
Larry
 
Do I have any cause for concern, do you think, other than this refraining from sexual intercourse?

Your cause for concern is a valid one.

Could it be true that he doesn't suffer from any adverse consequences of the abuse in his mind?

It sounds like the abuse has interferred with his ability to establish a lasting healthy relationship that would lead to marriage. Specifically you've mentioned his perspective on having sex with you. While he can deny that the abuse has effected him. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. The point is that if he was abused he needs to see a therapist. Has he ever seen a therapist (for at least a year) and worked on the abuse? I've heard people ask experts such as Dr. Drew (host of loveline on KROQ 106.7, sindicated nationally). His response is that people can function rather outwardly normally, but the issue is that they are not entirely whole. A part of them was left behind stuck in the moment of the abuse. People are not fully living healthy and enriching lives because of this. This not to say they can't live healthy enriching lives ... its just that they aren't as healthy and enriching as they could be if they would deal with the abuse. This seems to be his standard answer. Hopefully it helps.

Couples conseling may be start for him to talk about the abuse and how it relates to your relationship. You reading books and leaving them around the house for him to casually pick up and read at one point may help ... like "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Thanks for the insight you have all provided...since I posted this message to you, I have again broached the subject of sex with my boyfriend, and again he points to how special I am in his life, how he can't think of treating me like a "piece of meat" and how he does understand that intercouse can be an expression of love, and that he loves me.

He keeps bringing the subject back to me and my long-term emotional abuse. Yes, I am in pain that goes back to when I was a young teen and my parents weren't there for me, causing me to get into an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship that lasted until just a few years ago. However, I am dealing with it in a healthy way and have been in counseling to work through the pain. My goal is to be able to forgive those close to me who hurt me thereby opening myself up to give and receive the love I think I deserve. I have two children from my marriage, and while they are almost grown (18 and 21 yrs old) they are the most important people in my life.

My boyfriend is highly intelligent and has been the supervisor of an office where he has been the head of operations for over 30 years and everyone likes him because he is so caring and non-judgmental. He has helped me see how my experiences have shaped my emotional responses to things in my life. He has taught me about boundaries. No, he has never been in counseling. He says he gets the most pleasure from the way I am able to connect with my children and love them and says he is nothing compared to them. He says he is no good and difficult and can be mean and nasty.

I don't understand why he wants me to treat him like he's a nobody. I have never met anyone who seems to have a love of life, a spiritualness that surrounds him, and a close connection with his own large family that is so endearing. My therapist has suggested that I ask him to come to a counseling session with me but I am afraid to do that because his abuse would have to come out...or would it? I told him that he is treating me like a little girl as if I am fragile. He says no, he knows I am strong but suffering emotionally. He wants me to get stronger first, he says, before we complicate things by entering into a sexual relationship. I am desperate for actual sex and am so attracted to him and he seems to be to me too but actually is able to control himself to the point of denying himself that type of pleasure. As I said before, I am the first person he has ever opened up to about his abuse, which occurred over a period of three years from when he was 10 to when he was about 13 yrs. old. He said the woman would allow him to see her leaving to go out on dates with "grown up" men and would give him a "look" telling him don't worry, they aren't getting what I gave you. Then she would tell him those "grown up" men she dated were "no good" and that it only he knew the truth of what a woman really needed (as she taught him).

I love him so much....(I don't live with him) and I don't want to jeopardize what we have but so much want him to see me as a real partner who wants to share his life with him. Thanks for any other insights my additional comments will garner.
 
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