My first time here!

[Kennedy1969]

This is my first time on the MS Discussion Board. I am a 36 year old black gay survivor of child sexual abuse. I have never dealt with my abuse on a professional level. I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with a therapist to help me. I am going through a very difficult time in my life right now. For the last three years I have been in a relationship, but I have not been faithful. I can't seem to stop cheating on my partner. I go through episodes of emotionally shutting down and completely cutting him off; putting up a wall of silence. I want to know that I am not alone in this battle that I go through everyday.

 

[Nobbynobs]

Originally posted by Kennedy1969:
I want to know that I am not alone in this battle that I go through everyday.

You aren't alone. Welcome aboard.

 

[Kennedy1969]

Thank you Nobbynobs. It feels good to know that there are other people who sincerely know what pain I go through each day.

 

[TX_Space]

Kennedy,
You are not alone! Welcome to MS.

tx_space

 

[relaxingpiano]

You're not alone when it comes to shutting down as I do that more than I would like to.

Don

 

[Kennedy1969]

Don and tx_space thank you both for your replies. I never really knew that I had this problem of "shutting down" until I met my partner. I have no idea what triggers this problem, but I completely withdraw. He says that I am physically in the room, but he feels like he is completely by himself! It has caused a lot of grief in our relationship. I am in the process of scheduling my first appointment with a therapist. I really want to be able to deal with my issues/probelms.

 

[roadrunner]

Kennedy,

You are definitely not alone, not in ANY of the issues you talk about.

I am so glad you will soon be seeing a therapist. That really is the best way forward. You may be quite frightened and mixed up as you walk through the door, but remember, the T's job is to help you, not judge you. The T will have heard it all before, and will recognize when you are uncomfortable and back off areas that you can't handle yet. It may also be that your T will not even bring up the issue of abuse for quite some time. I was terrified of that and wondered how I would cope, but when the time came and my T asked how was my childhood, I just said "I didn't have one" and poured it all out.

But the point is, the T will try to keep you safe and will recognize that this is the only way to help you.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Kennedy1969]

Larry,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am looking forward to seeking professional help. I am so tired of feeling helpless and alone. It is strange to make this comment. I have a partner who loves me and supports me, but I still feel alone and suffering. I can imagine that there are many of us who feel this way. I am glad that I have the motivation to begin the first step of healing; seeking professional has become the most important step for me right now!

 

[roadrunner]

Kennedy,

Again, you are in the right place. That feeling of being all alone and suffering, while at the same time you know you are loved and supported, is the source of so much agony and confusion to survivors.

There is a lot to say about this, but here's just a general thing to think about for the time being. Many of the issues in child abuse seem to make no sense at all, since they are all about very sensitive and painful emotions. It's difficult to resolve them using logical arguments, since, at the end of the day, what logic is there to the crime we are talking about: abusing and molesting an innocent defenseless child?

Much love,
Larry

 

[Rabbit]

Kennedy,

Welcome. I hope you find this to be a warm and safe place where you can find support in working through your issues. Sometimes working on one issue can bring up a host of other issues. I've found the discussion boards and chat room here to be valuable resources in my quest for healing. May they be the same for you.

Rabbit

 

[george of kent]

I just want to add my welcoming words to those above.
Nothing I read in your post, Kennedy, sounds different or new; your issues have all been felt or shared by all the members here. I'm glad that you found us; congratulations on starting to make a T connection.
Love, etc.,

 

[michael Joseph]

welcome mr k. glad you said hello to us!!!!!!!!

mj

 

[Jay Bee]

WOW, Kennedy, we share almost exactly the same vital statistics so you are DEFINITELY not alone. There are only two lovers who I can honestly say I showed up thru most of the relationship.

One who literally saved me is also a MS, older than me but also African-American and gay. We had a twelve year relationship but he had to leave my area to care for his sick parents. We just fed into each other so wonderfully. He was the only partner I truly with every fiber of my being believed when he said he loved me. I used to cry sometimes just being in his prescence. he patiently milked all of my emotions out of me and totally wired my connection to sex and vastly improved my sexual technique. Without him, I don't where I would be.

Keep Well

 

[markgreyblue]

welcome Kennedy

 

[Bobby]

Welcome, Kennedy. Glad you found us. We're here to help in any way we can. Bobby