My first time here. First time seeking help.

My first time here. First time seeking help.
E

Em

Registrant
I'm hoping for good advice. I'm new to this.

This is a little bit of my story.

I hit rock bottom over a week ago. A relationship that I very poorly handled ended very badly. I felt as terrible as a person can. But much more then just the circumstances of the relationship ending were bombarding me. Memories and pain from the past that I have never dealt with were on my mind.

I'll make my story brief.

When I was 5, 6, and likely 7 years old, I was sexually abused by two older boys who lived on my block. They often used different levels of violence and threats. Name calling and humiliation was always involved. I have memories of this that are so strong that it's as if it just happened. I remember clearly half a dozen instances, and vaguely remember more. I am 25 years old now, and I can no longer keep living the way I've been living. I've lived with so much pain inside of me for so many years. This has caused depression and several very real periods of planning that may have resulted in suicide. I have had very unsuccessful and painful relationships with women. I have always been and never doubted that I was heterosexual. but I have had deep feelings that I am not a real man because of what happened. I have kept my emotions deep inside of me, i'm not the type of person anyone would ever expect to see tear up. When i think about all of this, i can not help but to cry. I know i shouldn't be but i'm ashamed of that.

I have acted out in very bad ways, I am very uncomfortable with intimacy, I distance myself from people, I have at times obsessed about pornography I am ashamed to say. I have tried to control people, and have felt either everything was great or everything was completely hopeless. I have always felt very guilty about my sexual desires and my past experiences. I have felt very alone for 20 years. I have even felt alone and detached from God, who i believe in but do not understand.

I was a sick kid when this happened, I had very bad lung problems. I lived with my Mom who was very busy and completely unaware of what was happening to me. My Dad left us and quickly remarried. He married a woman who was an alcoholic and was very mentally and at times verbally abusive to me. My first thoughts of ending my life and feelings of hopelessness began when I was still a 2nd grader.

I had many troubles in school, I didn't like authority figures and have always felt very uncomfortable with adult males.

Until I started to realize that I have to come to terms with what's wrong with me and my past, I thought I was all alone, and that I wasn't really abused because they were not adults. I've always blamed myself for what happened.

I've had very bad experiences in the past with therapy and with professionals. I have very little means at this time and I can not really afford professional help. I have been reading as much as I can the last week and have begun to discuss my past with trusted friends. At least friends i'm am making an effort to trust.

I know now that there is hope, and that if I confront this, maybe I can feel better and maybe begin to have a better life. I'm prepared to work hard at this and I realize I can not do it alone.

Any advice you could give me would be tremendously helpful. I've hurt myself and I've hurt people I care about for so long, I can't continue to do that. I've never abused someone the way i was abused. I've always been afraid people would think that because that happened to me i would become an abuser. I want to make clear that when i say i have hurt people i do not mean in that way.

Thank you for reading this.

Em
 
Welcome Em... the typical welcome greeting here is a sincere one: "We're sorry you need a place like this, but glad that you found us."

Thank you for sharing so much in your first post. There is so much that I relate to... control issues, suicidal thoughts, not feeling like a man, etc.

I hope you'll keep posting and stop by the chat room sometime. We're all here to help each other through this.

-Sean
 
em,
you have joined a community of men and their partners who are dedicated to the very things you have stated you wanted to do with your life. what i did when i first found this place so long ago was read the posts of the previous couple of months to get an idea of the scope of topics covered here. i don't suggest everyone do that, that is just the researcher part of me :) . there is a search function here in the top right corner of the page that i would suggest you try out for a few topics just to get a notion of what is shared here. personally, i am going through a really rough time right now but the friends i have made here have been a literal life saver. you will find the voice of many here who echo your own experience, and many who have some unique ones. our perspectives are many, but our experience is sourced from the same evil. our mutual support is in a league of its own. one final suggestion, my friend, do not hesitate to utilize the other forums here on the site. that was an oversight of mine because i was so focused on this particular forum of the site that i missed out on much. i highly recommend the family and friends forum if you can handle the input and experience of the partners and friends of the male survivors here. there have been many times when the insight of one of the wonderful ladies has made the difference between night and day in my recovery. women don't post on this male only forum out of respect for their partner's boundaries, and those of the rest of us male survivors, but their input is invaluable, as are their own stories for helping us men understand their experience of living with us. take care, and feel free to pm me if i can help.
 
EM - Welcome to the Board! I'm sorry for what caused you to come here BUT now that you're here, know this is a terrific group of guys each journeying to wellness from having been sexually abused. As a survivor, I recognize many of the thoughts, behaviors and feelings you share and that because they are residual symptoms from sexual abuse. You'll find many of us suffer(ed) from relationship problems, control and trust issues, pain with guilt and shame, grief from the loss of a "normal" childhood, feelings of anger/rage...there are many common issues we all share some or all.

I want to thank you for posting because that is really the first step toward getting help. The guys are right on to suggest you read past posts, read the articles found on the home page, and generally poke around, ask questions, chat if you like. You are not alone in this struggle and journey. We are here for you!! Just keep posting and sharing.

Howard
 
Welcome Em!

Everytime I read a post like yours I get so angry at what this sexual abuse has done to so many guys. For me, that feeling you have that you are not a "real man" haunted me for so many years. Frankly, I still struggle with that at times, even though I know full well that I am as fully a man as any, and more of a man than many. And so are you.

It is sad to hear that you were harmed, betrayed, violated, and no adult picked up on it. The fact you are working on this problem means that things can get better for you. But, be patient, it takes quite awhile for most of us.

As suggested, look at the papers and articles under both Survivors and Professional drop down menus. There is good stuff there.

Post and reply as much as you feel comfortable in doing--I have found a lot of healing in doing that, and I hope that you will too.

Bob
 
Welcome Em,

As you will find out, You Are Not Alone . Your story is a sad, and your feelings are typical. As you learn to accept that this was not your fault, you are not to blame, and that you have nothing to be ashamed of, you will understand your feelings and the way they were shaped by your SA. With that you will be able to reshape them into a positive thing.

SA is a power thing. Sick people using sex to exhert their power over you. Leaving you feeling you have no power. Trying to exhert your power upon others is an overcompensation of the power that was taken from you when you were younger. Please try to understand the pain that has caused you and may cause others, and learn to control that tendency to exhert your power upon others. Learn that you have the power inside of you to make yourself safe. That we all have boundaries that make us safe, respect your boundaries and those of others.

I wish you a safe and healing journey.

Take care,
Bill
 
Hi, Em:

You probably can see already that you are not alone. The painful results of your SA are well understood by people here who can empathize, and offer support. Nobody here is going to be giving out cheap advice because it sounds good, (at least in my brief experience -- and at least not on purpose), because we have all been there in some terrible way, shape or form.

Please know that you are a person of great worth, that your recognition of things as they are is HUGE and very courageous, and that this is the beginning of the healing process. I won't tell you that it is easy, because I have been doing it myself for about 4 months now, and it just friggin' ISN'T easy. But man, it is so worth it!

You are in the right place, coming to this site, and the men here really do care.

I am pulling for you, Em. A step at a time, OK? I'm stepping, too.

Later,

Kurt
 
I'd like to thank all of you for your comments. I've begun to take the advice and have been reading other posts and articles on this site. I have learned a lot of things. Triggers, cycles that I repeat, habits that I've formed and many other things. All things that I share with many other of the gentlemen on this site. Knowing that I am not alone, the way I've felt and acted for 20 years is not unique to me, has brought me great comfort. If so many of my pains and my difficulties are clearly a natural result of what happened to me, that means that I've identified a problem, a problem that somewhere has a sollution. I'm prepared for a long road. I'm prepared to have bumps and maybe sidetracks down that road. But I'm going to work hard to be in a better place inside. I've worked hard in the past to be in a better place on the outside, and have always hoped it would improve how I felt and what I saw inside. I now know, it has to work the other way.

I will continue to participate. I will post and reply to help myself and to help others as they would help me.

I hope I'm not setting myself up for dissapointment. I already feel so much better about things since I came to terms with what happened to me and how it's affected me. My distorted thinking has diminished greatly, and I have set small goals to work towards, and begun changing my habits. One fear I now have is that I'll somehow lose site of all this, minimalize what happened again, go back into denial and fall into the same habits, and cycles. One goal I'm going to try hard to keep to maybe prevent that, is to read this site every day. I'm making it part of my routine. Your stories, advice, I believe will help me stay on the road to heal and recover. I hope my stories, and accounts will help as well. thank you.
 
Em like the others Welcome. I am a bit late but I had a quick business trip away from home.

I hope I'm not setting myself up for dissapointment. I already feel so much better about things since I came to terms with what happened to me and how it's affected me.
Click to expand...
Em what happened to you was the single worst thing that could possibly happen to you. It is to all of us. You are not setting yourself up for dissapointment believe me. You are on the road to actually living life as it is meant to be lived and not merely passing through it as a survivor.

You have a lot of guys here with big strong shoulders to lean on and now you have added yours for others.
 
Em - Your fear that you'll lose what you achieved is "normal" for us survivors. We've been down so long, we kinda expect something negative to happen. It's like waiting for the proverbial second shoe to drop only to realize the man in the room overhead is a one-legged man!

Hang in there...you're on your way!!

Howard
 
Welcome Em, I am glad that you found this site. It is one of support and compassion, and great understanding.

While reading your post, I could relate to some of what you said, of how it affected your life still and how you have acted because of it. I have made some very poor choices in my life also, and still struggle with desires to harm myself. The temptation of it, it is not as strong as it would be before, but there are still sometime that I will do it, and then feel guilty, like I am failure of some kind.

I was very resistent to therapy when first I start dealing with all this. I am not American, or native English-speaking, so to see a therapist and have to talk in English of this, that was intimidating to me. But honestly, just to talk of it to someone in 'real life' was scary. However, I am finding it helpful, and I know that several months ago, my survival of all this was still in question, and now I feel it is not. So that is a very good thing.

Is it possible to find free or low-cost therapy around you, if that is what you choose? Like the health services, or if there is counseling available from a college or something? Just is possible help to you.

I wish you luck, and hope you continue to remain here, and get the help available to you at this site.

Leosha
 
EM...

Very sorry what happen to you;

Contact RAINN or your local sexual assault center;

They will help you.

Good luck.

Best,

Mike
 
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