My First Post
It is almost 3am here ( downunder ) as I make this post, many hours of web searching have lead me here. Perhapse amoungst those who understand I can fully let out some of those things which I have refused to look at, unable to confied to those closets.
Around the age of 8 I was sexually abused by grandfarther, at the time we where living in the same house. And we shared the same room for around a year, I am un sure of how many times this happened. He would often wake me up by fondeling my genitals, or sometimes performing oral sex on me. I can still remember the sticky seamen he would make me touch, or even insist I taste telling me how good it was for me.
The abuse stopped when we finally moved away from him, but whenever I was with him he would give me porn magazines to look at. He was the hub of the family and we where constantly regaled with stories of him playing Santa Claus for dis-advantaged childeren. He was an artist and also a keen woodworker, who would believe such a man capable of such wrong.
I kept the secret of what he had done, fearing I would divide the entire family. It wasnt until my younger sister at the age of 4 came in and told me that Grandad had touched her between the legs that the truth came out. I took her straight to my Mother and made her tell, but I still never told of my abuse.
The police where never called, my Uncle threatened to kill him if he touched us again. He cried and promised not to and it was all forgotten. Our dirty secret ..
I guess all this got buried behind a lot of other pain, you see I also got lumped with being a mixed race ( black/white ) kid from single parent family. You all might not know but it took Australia until 1973 to finally axe the white Australia Policy, so it wasnt to freindly I can tell you know.
One day at his house I found a local street directry which had all of the primary school's circuled, I never told and hate myself for this still.
He died soon after, I remember feeling nothing when my Uncle arrived to tell me at 2am. We all gathered at the hospital, noone shead a tear. I never cried even when I carried his ahses in a box and spread them into the bush as he wished.
I thought I had buried this with him, but now I see that so many after effects linger. I have told myself I accept this and that my life is uneffected, in fact I seek every other explination as to whats wrong with me.
My whole life up to now is has been racked by self defeating behaviour, I have systmaticaly gone about always being a dissapointment.
As much as want to I cant get relationships right, and their has been no shortage of takers.
Im am just coming apart latley, I feel a self destruction sequence on the way once again. These seem to happen every 2 years .. Same order always. Go broke, get new girlfriend, get new job get life together only to start again.. I see now why I guess ..
Around the age of 8 I was sexually abused by grandfarther, at the time we where living in the same house. And we shared the same room for around a year, I am un sure of how many times this happened. He would often wake me up by fondeling my genitals, or sometimes performing oral sex on me. I can still remember the sticky seamen he would make me touch, or even insist I taste telling me how good it was for me.
The abuse stopped when we finally moved away from him, but whenever I was with him he would give me porn magazines to look at. He was the hub of the family and we where constantly regaled with stories of him playing Santa Claus for dis-advantaged childeren. He was an artist and also a keen woodworker, who would believe such a man capable of such wrong.
I kept the secret of what he had done, fearing I would divide the entire family. It wasnt until my younger sister at the age of 4 came in and told me that Grandad had touched her between the legs that the truth came out. I took her straight to my Mother and made her tell, but I still never told of my abuse.
The police where never called, my Uncle threatened to kill him if he touched us again. He cried and promised not to and it was all forgotten. Our dirty secret ..
I guess all this got buried behind a lot of other pain, you see I also got lumped with being a mixed race ( black/white ) kid from single parent family. You all might not know but it took Australia until 1973 to finally axe the white Australia Policy, so it wasnt to freindly I can tell you know.
One day at his house I found a local street directry which had all of the primary school's circuled, I never told and hate myself for this still.
He died soon after, I remember feeling nothing when my Uncle arrived to tell me at 2am. We all gathered at the hospital, noone shead a tear. I never cried even when I carried his ahses in a box and spread them into the bush as he wished.
I thought I had buried this with him, but now I see that so many after effects linger. I have told myself I accept this and that my life is uneffected, in fact I seek every other explination as to whats wrong with me.
My whole life up to now is has been racked by self defeating behaviour, I have systmaticaly gone about always being a dissapointment.
As much as want to I cant get relationships right, and their has been no shortage of takers.
Im am just coming apart latley, I feel a self destruction sequence on the way once again. These seem to happen every 2 years .. Same order always. Go broke, get new girlfriend, get new job get life together only to start again.. I see now why I guess ..