MY FINE BOY

MY FINE BOY
C

Cement

Registrant
I wrote this to myself this morning, on the back of a piece of paper while I sat in Starbucks. I cried at times writing it. It is so hard to say positive things, isn't it? I wouldn't normally post this, because I am embarassed. Embarassed? it is sad I would ever feel embarassed to say something nice about myself.

I love you, Jamie. You are a special boy. You are smart. You have artistic ability beyond that of most people. You are sensitive. I am sorry those charged with nurturing you dont see that. You took apart a bicycle and put it back together. You sang beautifully in many projects you sang solos on an album. You are beautiful. A handsome boy who should have every confidence. Athletic, tall lean, powerful. I am sorry. I love you. If I was there, I would take care of you. I am there NOW. I am here now. I am beautiful, athletic, strong, smart, kind, flexible, hardworking AND I am being taken advantage of at work. I have developed many talents. I am a good writer. A poet. I take pictures that I like, even years later. I am a musician, perhaps a passing songwriter. I qualify that compliment because music has a lot of emotional baggage with it for me. I love you Jamie. You are a special man. A good husband, a good father, a hardworking, loyal employee.

Peace,
James
 
Jamie yes you are all of them things and more. Keep telling yourself them. You are a good boy, keep working on your talents Jamie. They are a gift given to you without any strings attached. Use them to help yourself see that not only are you a good boy and a special boy, but also worth everything good you have in your life. ((((hugs)))
James
 
James:

Wow. You are all of those things my brother wolf. And be proud of it. Every gd thing you wrote.

Paste in on the mirror in the bathroom. Read it every morning as you scrape the stuff off your face.

Keep it in your wallet.

You have made a definitive statement about yourself. Now carry it into your life. You have with your wife and children. Now do it at work too.

If you are being taken advantage of let em know. If it does not change and with your many talents go someplace where your talents will be appreciated and nurtured. Life is to damned short to be unhappy and the note to yourself tells me that you kinda (hell really) like the face and eyes peering back at you from a mirror.

Remember brother wolf that we in the pack know who and what you are and the value we give you, which by the way is substantial. If you need confidence know that we are righ behind you in grateful step for what you have and continue to do here.

An old grey Wolf

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOEEEEE
 
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JamesC that is so awesome!

AAAAHHHHWWWWWWWWWOW!

Victor
 
Jamie the boy, James the man.

Hand in hand, together. A wonderful thought.

Dave :)
 
Jer - It didn't hurt...but it definitely felt wierd. And as I look at it again, I realize I put in qualifiers of the compliments.

amazing ... amazing ...

Now, I realize that weird feeling was feeling good about myself. I criticize the things I do, silently, inside, all the time. I worry that I cannot do enough, make enough, do anything right. But this was a conscious decision to praise myself and to embrace the young boy I was, who still lives with me, "in my back yard."

I hope you guys will look at the poem I posted a couple of days ago (Thanks Vic!), "The kids in my back yard." It is another poem intended to be positive.

Anyway, interestingly, there have been issues at work that I wanted to bring up. I was afraid to say anything; I thought I would get explosively angry (as I have been known to get). This morning, I decided I wouldn't bring anything up, but rather, try to make myself better by writing those positive things about myself at Starbucks before I went in to work.

Well, I got into work, and my boss and I ended up in a 'discussion.' I remained calm, relatively, but told him pretty flat out how I felt.

Emotion would simmer up and boil over in those kind of discussions. "b" changes the subject, uses circular logic, and basically slithers his way around until you are exhausted from trying to make a point he will not hear. Usually I am frustrated and raise my voice to "make him" hear. Anyone want to guess how that usually works out?

This time I just kept hitting my point: he would change the subject, I went back to my point; he uses circular logic, I remind him our situation cannot be two different, mutually exclusive things.

I thought I wanted to be heard, and maybe I do. But just getting it out made me feel good. I can say to myself, "I have expressed how I truly feel without being mean or angry."

I am proud of myself. And I believe it is a direct result of praising that little boy (and the man) this morning.

I would also like to say thank you to everyone who posts here and to whom I have pm'd or followed on a post or whatever, especially mikechurch, sleepy, dave(lloydy), vic, james, sp, orodo (wherever you are), jer, eddie, Roy (wherever you are), wifey, teimosa, freedom, don, bob, richardNYC - man, I am not going to remember everyone but please know I am thinking of you.

Peace,
James
You know what, call me Jamie if you like...

C'mon, now, everyone, let's howl...

AHHHHHHHHHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
I thought I wanted to be heard, and maybe I do. But just getting it out made me feel good. I can say to myself, "I have expressed how I truly
feel without being mean or angry."
Click to expand...
Yes James the important thing is you got it out, you broke the silence, you did it in a way that felt good for you. Whether your boss or whoever chooses to hear it or not, that's their problem not yours. WTG!

I am proud of myself. And I believe it is a direct result of praising that little boy (and the man) this morning.
Click to expand...
You should be. Bro I'm proud of you too! You are the wolf--Jamie. ;)

AAHHHWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Victor
 
James,
I've intended to reply to your post all day, but I only now have some time to sit down and type.

I remember when I posted a letter to my inner child a number of months ago. I wasn't sure what I was expecting from it, but what I found was that the support from everyone validated much of what I felt. I think by making myself a bit vulnerable and the resultant support truely boosted my view of my self. I hope the same holds true for you.

I think there is something else very important here. Awhile back you made the analogy about the tree growing around the rock. Well, hopfully this letter will help shore up that tree once you remove that cancerous rock. You know, the impression of the rock may still be there but the tree can be as strong as ever.

I think much of what I wrote was intended for me too. Because, James, my tree grew around the same rock. You know what I mean?
Take care,
Mike

AAAAAAWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
Jamie it is.

And I am proud to call you that.


Mike


AAWWWWWWWWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
James
about 10 years back I had a 16yo lad with me as an apprentice,John, a very clever, lovely lad who rode an always illegal motorbike like a lunatic, lived with a wild girlfriend and existed on vodka and Class A drugs ! For a couple of years we had a wild time.
Anyway, when he was qualified he moved to a different workshop and I rarely saw him.

But recently we've ended up working together again and he has huge rows with our manager, major arguments. And I try to intervene and keep the peace.

The other day he said to me "I should take a leaf out of your book Lloydy, and learn to chill. How have you done that ? I can remember when I was your apprentice how you used to argue and fight with the manager all the time. You just deal with it now, how the f**k do you do it ?"

So I told him as best I could how and why I do it.
But the thing that struck me was he was right.
I was wild and angry back then. He reminded me how I pulled a manager over his desk by his neck tie ! ( how I kept my job is still a mystery ? ) And I was like this all the time according to John. Apparently I scared the hell out of him, poor lad.

I didn't fully recognise this change until someone pointed it out. It's been a gradual thing that those around me all the time have just 'accepted' - like I have. And with us being apart he's seen the change.

Maybe some of it just due to becoming older and wiser, I guess it is ?
But a big part is certainly due to sorting myself out and putting my abused history into perspective.

I've often said that during my recovery I felt no great rage against my abusers, and I still don't.
So where the hell has all my anger gone then ?

And more importantly - do I care ?

"NO !" what the hell do I want with anger, I'm glad to see the back of it.

Dave
 
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