My Fight Song and A New Future
Life works in strange ways. The past weeks has brought challenges and opportunities that have required much thought and reflection on life. A friend from support faced the ultimate challenge in his life, the challenge of remaining alive. He had chosen life was not important because of many inner struggles that should not have been present in his life. A family that does not know how to support and love unconditionally. A family who closed their mind to the intricacies of how the mind is forever changed from child sexual abuse and a rigid belief that their Church could not have done such a thing. He has survived and is making progress. His father has been with him and the mother is distraught because she has been denied access. Her rigid beliefs and closed mindedness robbed this man of an unconditional love from his mother. She conveyed this message to his children, her grandchildren. They too have been closed minded and to me ignorant. This last episode has forced these three to face the truth of the type of person they truly are. Thankfully I have been told they will be meeting with trauma experts and receiving therapy. Hopefully their minds will open and this man can have the unconditional love he deserves. I am thankful he has the opportunity to have this love. This event made me realize my own life was in jeopardy for many of the same reasons as this man. I know we are not isolated incidences. Why must people close their mind, deny their truth and the truth of CSA? I wish I had a simple answer.
I have been going through some positive events in my life over the past week or so. It has me reflecting back on my life. The first ten years, happy, carefree and just a child enjoying life. It changed one day, a day that we understand and others will never truly comprehend. It was the beginning of an on-going—though perceived by some to be short term but long term to me—CSA in the Church cellar. It changed me, it held me captive for so many years. I was haunted and held prisoner to what happened in the cold church cellar for decades. I lost time throughout life but only thought it was natural, normal for one to be in one place one minute and then coming to in a strange place or just loosing minutes, then hours and then days, not knowing what I did, where I was or how I traveled. Then syncope, PTSD and dissociation. I have learned from the various doctors who have treated these conditions the trauma is the source. I look back and realize 10 wonderful carefree years, 45 years of being lost within myself, pretending to be happy, struggling to achieve and survive. Sometimes the front was good and I believe it was during the periods I had the child within tightly controlled and buried within, thinking he could not escape or bring me back to the abuse. I was wrong.
For the past five years I have struggled to heal. I have suffered much, caused pain to others, tried or at least contemplated ending my life. I was tormented by those I loved, I was loved by those I have met and supported me. I faced the place of the abuse, the church and the Diocese. It was all so fragmented and I could not piece the pieces of healing and accepting myself together. Over the past few months I have and it was due to the support of many.
This week was supposed to bring me to a place to help resolve the abuse by further being exposed to discussing the abuse. The schedule got all thrown up in the air because of some unexpected and surprising events. Initially not knowing all the details sent my mind spinning, sadness, apprehension, anxiety, fear and thinking the worse. In actuality the events pushed things to a head and allowed me to feel a sense of freedom that had long escaped me. It also allowed me to feel joy for others who have struggled and lived far more tragic lives than I. I was validated, vindicated (from myself, believing it was my fault and I should carry the guilt of my actions) and realized those that denied my abuse have no validity in their words and actions. I am free and for some reason these events which must remain private pieced all the pieces together, it made me whole. I could feel the whole of me rejoicing and saying after all these years of being haunted, tormented, fragmented me and my child within, denied I could begin to live as I did for the first ten years of life—not being controlled or haunted by the memories of the abuse. Yes, they are memories, and we all carry good ones and bad ones with us in life. For me I can say these memories are just that memories—they cannot hurt me nor can they control me nor can he hurt me-- and ready to live the rest of my life. I still must be vigilant not to fall back into old coping mechanisms in times of distress or stress because they are internalized habits. I believe the internal harmony should help expedite the process of coping in healthier ways. I am ready to get on with life, rebuild what I lost and most importantly be happy.
After all that has transpired the Diocese, or should I say certain people in the Diocese are still my friends. Today I received a very kind note from a woman who opened the doors of the Diocese to me and has been helpful in bringing a resolution to my struggles. The priest at my mother’s funeral shared her name with me. It took months for me to call. A meeting was arranged in my current Diocese almost three years ago. I told my story and I could hear the sadness in the voices as I told what happened and I could see tears in the eyes. Since my first call she has reached out to me, always asking of my well being and encouraging me to come to the Diocese and accept the apologies of the Bishop. Today I told her I would in the future. I said with everything that has recently happened I want to relish where I am on my healing journey. Sometimes it is best to live in the moment and not move too quickly to the next steps.
I will share part of the note she sent, “what an important discovery to have made although I wish it could have been made sooner for you. I am thankful for the relief you have now. You deserve much peace and happiness in your life…..it is a privilege to know you…..” Far beyond what I would have expected over the years from the Diocese, I would have expected this treatment from my family. How ironic, the one you think will turn their backs are there for you, and those you believed would stand by are the first to turn.
As someone said our 4th of July came a few days early.
I will be taking a break from MS and relishing where I am today. I will be checking in and reading but may not be actively posting. I will be thinking of everyone here, rooting for you, feeling sadness for your struggles and joy for your successes. I will never forget MS, it was and will always have a special place in my heart. It was one of the sources of encouragement, love and support that has taken me through the darkest of days. I will be here and if you need anything or an ear to listen please PM me. Thank you and remember you are the best because you are survivors who have lived with something so devastating and still come here to receive and give support. You truly are survivors
Sort of in closing I wanted to share something that was shared with me the other day as I was fretting everything that was going on. A friend had me listen to a youtube of Caly Bevier 16 years old and a survivor of Stage 3 ovarian cancer. She said I would find it inspirational and in the words see the fight I have taken. Caly performed on America’s Got Talent and received Simon’s golden buzzer. The song she sang “Fight Song” by Rachel Patten keeps repeating in my head especially the chorus
https://www.realitytvworld.com/news/america-got-talent-cancer-survivor-calysta-caly-bevier-earns-golden-buzzer-from-simon-cowell----video-20037.php
“This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
And one verse—I cannot get the wrecking balls out of my head—I hear it over and over throughout the day. I realize the wrecking balls were forever in my head, banging back and forth, controlling me in many ways. Now I can hear my voice and not the wrecking balls.
“And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?”
From me, I hear the voice in each and everyone of the survivors here.
I have been going through some positive events in my life over the past week or so. It has me reflecting back on my life. The first ten years, happy, carefree and just a child enjoying life. It changed one day, a day that we understand and others will never truly comprehend. It was the beginning of an on-going—though perceived by some to be short term but long term to me—CSA in the Church cellar. It changed me, it held me captive for so many years. I was haunted and held prisoner to what happened in the cold church cellar for decades. I lost time throughout life but only thought it was natural, normal for one to be in one place one minute and then coming to in a strange place or just loosing minutes, then hours and then days, not knowing what I did, where I was or how I traveled. Then syncope, PTSD and dissociation. I have learned from the various doctors who have treated these conditions the trauma is the source. I look back and realize 10 wonderful carefree years, 45 years of being lost within myself, pretending to be happy, struggling to achieve and survive. Sometimes the front was good and I believe it was during the periods I had the child within tightly controlled and buried within, thinking he could not escape or bring me back to the abuse. I was wrong.
For the past five years I have struggled to heal. I have suffered much, caused pain to others, tried or at least contemplated ending my life. I was tormented by those I loved, I was loved by those I have met and supported me. I faced the place of the abuse, the church and the Diocese. It was all so fragmented and I could not piece the pieces of healing and accepting myself together. Over the past few months I have and it was due to the support of many.
This week was supposed to bring me to a place to help resolve the abuse by further being exposed to discussing the abuse. The schedule got all thrown up in the air because of some unexpected and surprising events. Initially not knowing all the details sent my mind spinning, sadness, apprehension, anxiety, fear and thinking the worse. In actuality the events pushed things to a head and allowed me to feel a sense of freedom that had long escaped me. It also allowed me to feel joy for others who have struggled and lived far more tragic lives than I. I was validated, vindicated (from myself, believing it was my fault and I should carry the guilt of my actions) and realized those that denied my abuse have no validity in their words and actions. I am free and for some reason these events which must remain private pieced all the pieces together, it made me whole. I could feel the whole of me rejoicing and saying after all these years of being haunted, tormented, fragmented me and my child within, denied I could begin to live as I did for the first ten years of life—not being controlled or haunted by the memories of the abuse. Yes, they are memories, and we all carry good ones and bad ones with us in life. For me I can say these memories are just that memories—they cannot hurt me nor can they control me nor can he hurt me-- and ready to live the rest of my life. I still must be vigilant not to fall back into old coping mechanisms in times of distress or stress because they are internalized habits. I believe the internal harmony should help expedite the process of coping in healthier ways. I am ready to get on with life, rebuild what I lost and most importantly be happy.
After all that has transpired the Diocese, or should I say certain people in the Diocese are still my friends. Today I received a very kind note from a woman who opened the doors of the Diocese to me and has been helpful in bringing a resolution to my struggles. The priest at my mother’s funeral shared her name with me. It took months for me to call. A meeting was arranged in my current Diocese almost three years ago. I told my story and I could hear the sadness in the voices as I told what happened and I could see tears in the eyes. Since my first call she has reached out to me, always asking of my well being and encouraging me to come to the Diocese and accept the apologies of the Bishop. Today I told her I would in the future. I said with everything that has recently happened I want to relish where I am on my healing journey. Sometimes it is best to live in the moment and not move too quickly to the next steps.
I will share part of the note she sent, “what an important discovery to have made although I wish it could have been made sooner for you. I am thankful for the relief you have now. You deserve much peace and happiness in your life…..it is a privilege to know you…..” Far beyond what I would have expected over the years from the Diocese, I would have expected this treatment from my family. How ironic, the one you think will turn their backs are there for you, and those you believed would stand by are the first to turn.
As someone said our 4th of July came a few days early.
I will be taking a break from MS and relishing where I am today. I will be checking in and reading but may not be actively posting. I will be thinking of everyone here, rooting for you, feeling sadness for your struggles and joy for your successes. I will never forget MS, it was and will always have a special place in my heart. It was one of the sources of encouragement, love and support that has taken me through the darkest of days. I will be here and if you need anything or an ear to listen please PM me. Thank you and remember you are the best because you are survivors who have lived with something so devastating and still come here to receive and give support. You truly are survivors
Sort of in closing I wanted to share something that was shared with me the other day as I was fretting everything that was going on. A friend had me listen to a youtube of Caly Bevier 16 years old and a survivor of Stage 3 ovarian cancer. She said I would find it inspirational and in the words see the fight I have taken. Caly performed on America’s Got Talent and received Simon’s golden buzzer. The song she sang “Fight Song” by Rachel Patten keeps repeating in my head especially the chorus
https://www.realitytvworld.com/news/america-got-talent-cancer-survivor-calysta-caly-bevier-earns-golden-buzzer-from-simon-cowell----video-20037.php
“This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
And one verse—I cannot get the wrecking balls out of my head—I hear it over and over throughout the day. I realize the wrecking balls were forever in my head, banging back and forth, controlling me in many ways. Now I can hear my voice and not the wrecking balls.
“And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?”
From me, I hear the voice in each and everyone of the survivors here.
