my fears about therapy

my fears about therapy
P

puppy

Registrant
i had my first appointment with my new therapist. which is a good thing i guess. but now im full of confusion. i was only seeing my last one for a couple of months. and if im really honest with myself...i can admit i wasnt totally honest with her. i held a lot back, because im scared of what will happen if im totally honest.

so anyway. my new therapist asked me some simple questions. i started talking and before i knew it i was talking about things that i really never wanted to mention. sometimes i feel suicidal. id never go through with something like that , so please dont take that as any sort of threat. iknow that is a very sensitive issues and im not implying that im going to do anything of that nature. just the thought crosses mymind at times, when im feeling really down. anyway. i ended up saying this to my therapist. of course i told her id never do it. but afterwards i started wondering what she was thinking. i get scared that i cant be totally honest. i know that legally she cant really tell anyone what we talk about. but i guess i am afraid that somehow people will find out. im afraid that my honesty might affect me later in life somehow. i know this is paranoia. but it feels so real.

i sit there talking and shes taking her notes and i wonder what shes writing. as i talk about my suicidal feelings i imagine shes writing 'note to self, have this guy locked up'. i feel so vulnerable and pathetic.
 
We must of joined the same club brother.

I have been seeing her 2 yrs and still don't her, I give little pieces to each one of them my shrink and my T, don't know if it is a game with me or a control thing. I don't know.

I stay away from certain subjects too.

Healing_Inside
 
I've had some of those paranoid feelings myself, like... thinking i'll be arrested for something some day and they'll say, "see, look he's crazy, here's proof" or something of the sort. But I always told the truth, because therapy is for "you" and if you lie, then you've only lied to "yourself". And if you leave things out, then you are hindering your progress. That's my opinion on it anyhow. But you do have to be careful what you say, in that, you don't want them to restrain you and jack you full of pills.

About the suicidal thoughts... I have those feelings occasionally as well. And like yourself, I pretty much know i'd never actually do it. It's more like I sometimes get so tired of trying, it seems an easy way out.

When I did (once in my life) truly feel like I "would" do it. I picked up the phone, and the phone book, and called for help. Called a hotline to talk to someone, and then I felt much better after that.

I eventually had to tell my pdocs about my suicidal thoughts because I was instructed to by another psychiatrist I had called (for advice), because my doctors were not helping me, or taking me serious. He literally told me that I should tell them I had suicidal thoughts, (whether I was or not) because they will then help me. Not sure how professional his advice is (sounds unprofessional) but I believe he was right. I got more attention, help, and then meds after telling them about my suicidal thoughts. And I told them just like you said too. (which is the truth also) That I had the thoughts, but that I knew I would never actually do it.

They hear this all the time anyways, i'm sure. So I wouldn't worry about it. They never locked me up, and I doubt they will you either.

Anyhow, best of luck to you.
 
Its a matter of trust, something we probably all have a hard time with, i suspect its one of thouse things only time will heal, that you gotta get to know them better before you want to tell them more.

My problem with therapy was allways.. what do i really know about the person sitting infront of me? italk in and out about my problems but i know nothing about her, i find it hard to put trust in someone i dont really know.

But i can understand why they dont want to do that, it'd be dragging the work home with them really, and working with many people with many big problems.. man, that would get inside your head and eat away at you.
 
as i talk about my suicidal feelings i imagine shes writing 'note to self, have this guy locked up'.
Click to expand...
That's hilarious. Yeah, I've thought that about my therapist. I usually just ask him, though. I have to say I trust my therapist 95%. The fact is, it's a job, he's heard it all, and he's got a life outside of his job. I pay him, so he's got a responsibility to do what's best for his customer.

I know that early in therapy what I'm about to say wouldn't have made sense to me, but after 11 years I've decided for me, it's true. My therapist asked me one time, "What's the worst that can happen?" And if I sit with that question for a while, it takes the sting out of therapy. My therapist is trustworthy and is good at confidentiality and making sure he's not involved in a conflict of interest. But WHAT IF he told somebody everything about me? So they would know that I'd been abused, that I've thought from time to time about taking the "easy way out", that I'm trying my best to stop all my compulsions, that my uncle made me question my sexuality. And? Even my wife already knows all that. Everybody here knows all that. And the people who I can really trust, the people that I want to love me, they'll still love me. What if everybody at my job knew? What if everybody in the world knew? After 11 years of pain and torture, I wish they did know. I wish SA of boys was out in the open along with all the pain that we've been through.

Easy to say since I know my therapist will never tell. I choose people whom I can trust, and I tell them. A few people at work know, my family knows, and my "chosen family" knows. Truth only draws us closer.

If your therapist is a good one, she should be able to handle anything you throw at her. If she can't, there are other therapists. We had no control for long enough. Now we do have control.

Throw the worst at your therapist first. Then the rest will seem like nothing. Hang in there, OK? Therapy does work. I'm proof of that.
 
Maybe I can put your minds at rest (although I live in England UK).

I first reported my problems to my Doctor and also had several sessions with a Therapist.

I am now bringing a court case against my abuser (it is progressing to Crown Court).

To give the case it's best chance of winning, the CPS have asked for my signed permission to release my Medical Records, and Requested Additional information from my Therapist (again with my signed permission).

I was a little dubious about signing for this information, but I know that I never did anything wrong (thanks everyone here because I now firmly believe that).

Although I have given my full permission,the responses have been:

My Doctor - he has written and signed a statement saying that I had approached him due to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child. He has also stated that I was offered referal to a Clinical Psychologist.

That is all of the information he has given - no one has actually seen my medical records. He is deemed to be of integrity, so that is sufficient to support my case.

My Therapist - She is very reluctant to give any detail even though I have authorised it. She believes 110% in client confidentiality. Again She is a Professional of repute, so a simple statement is again supportive of my case.

I signed documents to release full information - neither of the Professionals would fully release that information. I believe that they have more respect for us than you may think.

If they did just relay this information to anyone, do you think they would last long in practice?

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I am not sure.

I was a "therapist" a "counselor" a "psychologist"
and a male abuse victim.

I have found good therapists.

I did leave counseling others to do what I did better: manage health and psychological support services.

Be assured I was a very lousy therapist.

One who has insurance can also get a psychiatrist to see you. It is also the luck of the draw. I like those "Social Workers" licensed, etc.

Realize that not all therapists can deal with "sexual abuse" which is often just rape.

Take Care!

RockyMtJoe
 
"Throw the worst at your therapist first. Then the rest will seem like nothing. Hang in there, OK? Therapy does work. I'm proof of that."

I second that! I was seeing a T for seven years before she retired last April. It did me a world of good.
 
I have seen a total of 7 therapists over 35 years (< 175 visits total). I held back on the first 4, because of shame and fear and denial of my own issues to myself.

I hold nothing back now. I don't spew either. I just try and talk about what is going on, answer questions, pose questions of my own. My current T is very good in that he listens, makes suggestions, asks my advice on things, and won't let me get away with any BS. He has seen into me enough to know what I need.

If I had been as open with the first 4, it is hard to imagine how much further I would be.

My advice? If you find one that seems worthwhile, throw yourself into it as much as you are able. Sooner rather then later you will know if this is somebody that you can deal effectively with.

Best of luck,
W
 
Hi!

It's normal to be a little paranoid like that. You are a young guy. You got your whole life ahead of you. And you wonder how what you say might come back to haunt you later. Right?

Well, I think you've already been given some good advice about therapists respecting your confidentiality. I've found that it helps for me to set some ground rules too. Like because I'm in a mixed group for PTSD, and am the only male survivor, I told the therapist and the group that I don't wish to go into any details about the SA. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I'll do it here in the forums but not in the therapy group. So there may not be things you feel comfortable saying to your therapist, even one-on-one. And let that be okay. Just let your therapist know that. Do you see what I mean?

Also, I wasted a lot of years terrified of even talking about my brother. After all, the brother who sexually and physically abused me turned out to be psychotic. So talk about paranoid! For years, I was afraid I might turn out like him. Or people would think I was crazy like him. And for that reason, it was very important that everyone think I was in "super control."

But now that all my deep dark secrets have come spilling out, I'm glad. But like I said, even at that I have some ground rules. And I think that might be a good way for you to approach it. SA survivors need to give themselves permission to have ground rules!

How's that sound?

Jasper
 
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