My Favorite Male Porn Site
I am addicted to male pornography. I am currently 5 month sober or in other words I haven't looked at male pornography for 5 months. Before that through a combination of serious commitment and the grace of God, I was sober for a whole year.
To help me maintain my sexual sobriety I decided to think about my favorite male porn site.
When I would overcome my resistance to looking at pornography, I would not go directly to my favorite site. I started by looking at men with their shirts off. My inner devils would tell me that I shouldn't feel like there is anything wrong with looking a men with their shirts off. These self-justifications would lead to sifting through pages and pages of shirtless men. Sometimes I was able to step away and stop before I took another step into the world of men's bodies as sexual objects.
Even if I was able to step away, the images lingered in my mind and in a day or two I was back with a stronger sense of purpose. The images worked on me and I wanted more. At some point I would go through page after page of men in Speedos. Initially I would respect the warnings of adult content and not go there. But my heart was not in the right place and I eventually broke down and went for the more sexually charged images. I was unable to face myself and admit that I was not being the man I wanted to be. I bound and gaged my conscience and ignored my sense of shame and guilt and moved on.
I was repulsed by websites that depicted men abandoned to their sexual desires and acting them out graphically. This seemed gross. I wanted to believe that there was some good that could come out of viewing sexually charged images of naked men. In the process of pursing my misguided hope of some good coming from my adventures in male porn, I had to put up with what I thought were disgusting images that kept popping up.
I wanted a sanitized pornography. I wanted pornography in which men were clean cut, fit, well groomed and masculine looking. I wanted the illusion of acceptability and legitimacy. I keep coming back to the same site. It is not like I went directly to it time after time. But time after time I would come back to it after wandering around looking at a lot of other sites.
When I finally tuned into the site, I flipped through page after page. It fulfilled all the requirements of a site I wanted. The men were clean cut, fit, well groomed and masculine looking. They men in the images were not even necessarily gay which added to the sense of legitimacy. I never found the good I had hoped for. Sexual release yes, but it left me feeling ashamed and dirty.
The good I was hoping for was a connection to my body that was congruent with my own sense of conscience. My experience with sexual abuse contributed to my inclination to disassociate. My normal was to be disconnected from my body because if I connected to my body I would have to deal with my own sense of guilt and shame. I would have to deal with my sense that I was damaged goods and that there was something wrong with me. I couldn't face that.
Looking at pornography only aggravated my sense of disconnection to myself. No matter how sanitized the pornography, the reality was that I was making a conscious decision to be manipulated by the creators of the site. They created images of young men that would appeal to someone my interests. They recruited young men to serve as objects of sexual desire. They tempted me in every way they could to pay them to view these men engaged in erotic behavior. The real truth is that the owners of the websites are pimps, the men in the images are whores, and I was a John. Whether I paid per view or I just went window shopping I was buying sex. In another way of looking at is that owners of the website are perps, the men in the images are complicit to abuse and I was recreating my own abuse experiences.
I got to the point that I said no more and found a sex addiction counselor. That was almost four years ago. I am still on the journey, but I am no longer buying the sex that is for sale on the Internet. I am not longer recreating my own abuse experiences. That is not the man I want to be.
I am finding the good that I was seeking. Through therapy and developing positive relationship with other men, I disassociate much less than I used to. The real change is that I am able to connect to my mind and body, feel my feelings and have a sense of well being. I have much more of a sense of connection to my self in a way that is congruent with my sense of conscience.
Have you had some success in dealing with pornography?
To help me maintain my sexual sobriety I decided to think about my favorite male porn site.
When I would overcome my resistance to looking at pornography, I would not go directly to my favorite site. I started by looking at men with their shirts off. My inner devils would tell me that I shouldn't feel like there is anything wrong with looking a men with their shirts off. These self-justifications would lead to sifting through pages and pages of shirtless men. Sometimes I was able to step away and stop before I took another step into the world of men's bodies as sexual objects.
Even if I was able to step away, the images lingered in my mind and in a day or two I was back with a stronger sense of purpose. The images worked on me and I wanted more. At some point I would go through page after page of men in Speedos. Initially I would respect the warnings of adult content and not go there. But my heart was not in the right place and I eventually broke down and went for the more sexually charged images. I was unable to face myself and admit that I was not being the man I wanted to be. I bound and gaged my conscience and ignored my sense of shame and guilt and moved on.
I was repulsed by websites that depicted men abandoned to their sexual desires and acting them out graphically. This seemed gross. I wanted to believe that there was some good that could come out of viewing sexually charged images of naked men. In the process of pursing my misguided hope of some good coming from my adventures in male porn, I had to put up with what I thought were disgusting images that kept popping up.
I wanted a sanitized pornography. I wanted pornography in which men were clean cut, fit, well groomed and masculine looking. I wanted the illusion of acceptability and legitimacy. I keep coming back to the same site. It is not like I went directly to it time after time. But time after time I would come back to it after wandering around looking at a lot of other sites.
When I finally tuned into the site, I flipped through page after page. It fulfilled all the requirements of a site I wanted. The men were clean cut, fit, well groomed and masculine looking. They men in the images were not even necessarily gay which added to the sense of legitimacy. I never found the good I had hoped for. Sexual release yes, but it left me feeling ashamed and dirty.
The good I was hoping for was a connection to my body that was congruent with my own sense of conscience. My experience with sexual abuse contributed to my inclination to disassociate. My normal was to be disconnected from my body because if I connected to my body I would have to deal with my own sense of guilt and shame. I would have to deal with my sense that I was damaged goods and that there was something wrong with me. I couldn't face that.
Looking at pornography only aggravated my sense of disconnection to myself. No matter how sanitized the pornography, the reality was that I was making a conscious decision to be manipulated by the creators of the site. They created images of young men that would appeal to someone my interests. They recruited young men to serve as objects of sexual desire. They tempted me in every way they could to pay them to view these men engaged in erotic behavior. The real truth is that the owners of the websites are pimps, the men in the images are whores, and I was a John. Whether I paid per view or I just went window shopping I was buying sex. In another way of looking at is that owners of the website are perps, the men in the images are complicit to abuse and I was recreating my own abuse experiences.
I got to the point that I said no more and found a sex addiction counselor. That was almost four years ago. I am still on the journey, but I am no longer buying the sex that is for sale on the Internet. I am not longer recreating my own abuse experiences. That is not the man I want to be.
I am finding the good that I was seeking. Through therapy and developing positive relationship with other men, I disassociate much less than I used to. The real change is that I am able to connect to my mind and body, feel my feelings and have a sense of well being. I have much more of a sense of connection to my self in a way that is congruent with my sense of conscience.
Have you had some success in dealing with pornography?
