My father

[hemi1024]

This mybe a little harsh so I am sorry a head of time. Someone on a prevouis post said I should talk to my dad about the abuse that happened to me as a child.Here is why I can not over the 4th of july my wife used my cell phone to call her dad so she went through contacts and found dad not thinking and got my dad by mistake. Then after a few minutes she asked if he wanted to talk with me? next thing I know I am talking to him. Dad says good thing your wife dails by mistake so I can talk to you.I held back everything for I didn't want to start anything. I do call him about every week or two at the most for he lives in Az. My T says not only was I abused by other perps I also was verbly abused by my dad.I have so much hate,anger,shame and to this day I still fear that I may say something that will make him up set.Here is something my father tried to get me to drink alchol he would drag me to the bar on the way home from the vocational school and from his work as we rode together.I would drink nothing but coke and then the talks on the way home.He would ask you are not gay are you? before I could answer he would say well all you need is to have me take you to whore house and then you will be broke in the right way. I will never forget and that never did happen. But one day he ordered me vodka and orange juice. That was the end for me I started drinking more and more to hide not only my past but the present verble abuse and never being able to please my father. He would cut me down in front of my friends and his friends and family saying I was lazy and copped out on the real world . sorry so long Bill

 

[Paul1959]

Bill
Never be sorry for how long your post is. It's as long as it needs to be . Write it all out. It helps. As far as talking to your dad, ask your therapist for guidance. If you aren't ready for it, it could be really painful and you won't be prepared. Glad you're here.
Paul

 

[TexasCowboy]

Bill,
I agree with Paul, your post is not long, and most of all your thoughts are as welcome as they are safe here. I am new to ths site and I have gained so much in the few weeks I have visited here. I am finding insight from the wisdom bestowed upon me by many wise men who visit and leave their thoughts and experiences for all to share, and peace that comes from knowing that I am not alone. I am finding that many others have endured the same and often times worse trepidations than I have, or ever could imagine.

You are apologizing for your feelings toward your father. You have no reason to apologize for your anger; after all, it's not your fault, it's his. But I leave you with two thoughts:

1. Fear of someone is at the root of hate for others, and hatred can eventually destroy you if you allow it to grow and fester. Don't ask forgiveness, grant it.

2. When someone embarrasses and humiliates you in front of others, they have only embarrassed and made a fool of themselves.

I am learning that it is easier to let the hatred go and grant forgiveness than to hold on to hatred and let it destroy me.

My thoughts are with you in your journey.
Much love
Texas Cowboy