My Father was abused as a child

My Father was abused as a child
M

Matt Wildbore

New Registrant
My father was abused as a child from age 12-16. He has only just told my mother and sister and then me 6 months later last year. He is 71. I am 43.

I was initially really glad to find out as we have always had a difficult relationship and suddenly it all made a lot of sense.

I am gay I had finally before I found this out come to a place of acceptance that our lack of intimacy in our relationship was about me being gay. Having now found this out I feel pleased that I know but it has turned my world upside down and reframed many of my childhood experiences with my father's lack of relationship with me.

Now that he has told us he does not want to talk about it anymore and he cannot see how it has shaped the dynamic in our family.

Is there anyone here who has been through what I am going through?

I have a lot more questions but am not sure if MaleSurvivor is able of offer assistance to people like me.
 
Matt,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I am not in your position, but yes, you are most welcome here and I think much of what we talk about will help you. Many of the problems your father has are not age-specific, so discussion of them here would be useful for you.

Our circle of brothers here includes quite a few guys who are gay, and I am sure you will feel welcomed and supported. Just find your own pace and proceed as you feel comfortable.

Much love,
Larry
 
Is your father computer literate? Perhaps you could suggest to him that he come here?

If you do some exploring and research about CSA and how the effects can manisfest themselves in the lives of survivors, things might start to make sense as far as your relationship with your father.
 
He may not be willing if he doesnt want to discuss it anymore. It may be too painful.
 
My father was sexually abused around the same age as I was. I only know about it from my mother. I have not shared my own story with him as I believe it may do more harm than good. I had no relationship with him whatsoever growing up but we talk regularlly now. Your dad has made a huge step after carrying that pain for so many years. I'm grateful that he alive and we have a relationship now. I don't know if its something I'll ever be able to share with my father or not. I know how difficult these things are because on the one hand if I talk to him about it he may be very defensive or in denial. On the other hand I feel responsible to help him find recovery. Family issues are just really tricky. Maybe you could let him know about the site indirectly by emailing him a link, best of luck to your family.
 
I can say that I am familiar with what you are going through - my dad was also an abuse survivor who didnt get the right help.. he turned to rage, drugs, alcohol to try and drown his pain. I'm not a gay male so those parts of your relationship I can't relate to, but I do know the pain of feeling like the difficulty in my relationship with my father was my fault. I still believe it.

A few years ago I would have written a lot longer and more eloquent post to you with all kinds of advice from a really strong place, but I'm not in that strong place anymore. My "survivor" dad died suddenly and mysteriously last November, as well I'm still battling postpartum depression so I'm not in the best place to be giving advice right now.

Just wanted to say that I can relate to feeling like things are your fault and also to not having a good relationship with your dad due to his being abused. Its an awful thing to not grow up with a father's love.

P
 
I have not been back to the Boards in many months. I felt a huge sense of relief when I first posted. I have been doing a lot of work to be able to work out how I feel about that I now know.

I purchased a book which has helped me a lot. Strange really as the books is called "From Victim to Offender" and chronicles the stories of men who have been abused who become offenders.

When my sister was first talking to my 71 yo father concerning the difficulties she was having with her mother in law he made a very significant statement. My sister Jane was struggling with the fact that her mother in law had confided to her that she was abused from age 5. Jane felt that this could explain a great deal about her if it was in fact true. The challenge was that her mother in law had been so manipulative and deceptive as an adult that Jane wondered if this was not just part of her lies. In seeking guidance from my father and saying that on one hand it did explain a very wounded adult and possibly why she could seemingly be such a scheming old witch albeit deeply wounded, it was alos possible that maybe in fact it was just a big lie for attention. The surprise was from Dad's reply to her, in that he said, well if that is what happened to her to explain things "it did not affect me in that way."

This was his opening statement and really his closing statement also as he does not really want to discuss it anymore than a few more scant details of what happened to him.

The stories in the book says that offenders commonly rationalise that "it did not have any bad effects on me and so it will not hurt (their young victims) them"

I think I undersatnd how my father was able to and needed to barricade his feelings for 6 decades.

This has helped me a great deal.
 
I have just joined your forum yesterday. I have been made aware of some repressed memories through flash backs this year. They're all related to my real dad. I'm looking into finding out who my true parents are. The horrible memories are related to my dad having repressed memories over a woman (maybe my mom) who was suspected of murdering her. I remember him (I was ten at the time)having a split personality (I heard his voice and demenor change as if someone else was in the room talking).
I also remember hush coversations about him being tormented as a child by his step-dad. This really hurts to think about. I wish I could of protected him. I can't explain why but I have a deep love for him. My dad I wasn't permitted to know.
 
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