my father and things....
batcountry
Registrant
well...
im not sure why i am posting this really except i felt all day i wanted to post it, btu i couldnt do it, i kept starting and them didnt. and i dunno if i wish finish this time too. but we'll see...
sorry for any typos or mispellings,
well ok i alredy posted here 1nce about the abuse, well, i mean that happened almost 20 yrs ago, sometims it doesnt seem so real, i am detached... like it happend somebody else sort of. well so that makes it easier sometimes. but theres other things, wehn i was older, that i cant detach so well, its all just, you know sometims it fills up my head i guess, cant get it out. like it haunts me. i been haunted by these things. but i cnt explain anythimng or say anything just shut my mouth and watch peoople, and say nothing of myself...
well um not im really sure what i ws trying to say. i dont have the courage na i am too afraid, that the end of it, im just a coward. too afradi to let walls down. or complain or let somebody know i got feelings.
i mean i cant even talk on here really, to anybody. cnat even opost really, well i am posting now but i am saying nothing really.. and yes i ave been drinking, i sure you can all undertstand me just fine, just something i got to do. and in ordr to say anything i want to say. funny isnt it.
well here goes i will say what i can. if you dotn wanna hear boring rambling dont read it
i alredy posted, about the SA. that thread is down the board.so i hope this is ok to post about too becuse its not directly about the sA but in my head it allr elatded to one another, i mean i was all a child, it was..
well. i had abig family, i had 3 older brother, 2 sisters, 1 little brother. my siblings much older than me exceopt my twin sister. and my mom and my dad , my mom always sick allthe time and she had mental illness problems, and my dad, well my dad worked a lot to support us, i kow he had to put up with a lot, and all the problems oru fasmily caused...
and i know he come from a hard backgroun, though i never was allowd to know any of it. and he drank too much sometimes, a lot as timepassed, it got worse... and i guess, i dont know why, i guess i was a bad kid, and the weakest, i was who he took it out on. he beat me wors than any other in my family but i gues i did alot of bad things, and, i was a boy its ok to hit a boy more thna a girl so it was me more thn my sister. and i also thought this w was ok becuse i sister got the worse of the SA(not from my father he ddidnt do that) so it was ok i got beat worse i guess
but i mean, well soemtimes, im sad and aim angry, and i wish somebody had loved me. but i know it dont mattaer and everybody got those problems. but everyone overlookd me, wen my little brtoher was born they didn overlook him they doted on him, cuz he was sick. and stil we was overlookd. me and my tin sister, really only had eachother, oyr big sister took care of us (mom too sick/crrazy..) but only what she had to do, i gues, she was the closets igot to somebody caring. big brothers just beat us up and take our stuff. and taunt us you know al rhe brother stuff they werent much fun to be with. but my dad though they were great. excep the oldest they would help him do stuff and he card baout them a lot more than me. o one give a fuck of me. he calld me ""boy" more tha he called me my name. even wehn he wasnt mad.
at first i try to be as good i could do everything right but i stil got beat, and i guess i thought, fuck it i do whatver it doesnt matter he punish me anyway, and he still did, i was scared if him though but.. i dont knwo
i dont know anymore what to think. i use to think he wa he did whte best with what he had you know, id ont know, was it ok how he treatd me, was he abusive. i dont know. i was bad so i got in trouble. was it too much trouble i dont know.
i antganose and pushed him, i kne what it would do but i didnt it anyway. maybe to getmyself hurt. i was always playing around outsdine in the wood and all so i got hurt alot anyway it was eassy to say i brok my arm fallin out a tree or whatever. he broke y arm 2 time i rememeber but i was relly asking for it, but , i mean thats not cool tio breaking a kids arm i dont think. i wouldnt do it. even if he was a real brat. but i jus wanted my dad to love me care aabout me beside what i needed to be punished for... and i would do bad thing just to get seen. get noticed . at least i was geetting noticed. i was angry all th time it only got worse. still anrgy. i just learnt better to keep it inside. used to hurtt peopl attack for no reason,, fight , at schoool with my brother i even wold hit my sister, my own s sister i love , im terribl person to do this, but i got it unnder contol eventualy, i guess, weli had to it blew up i got kicked out.. ii havnt live with my dad since i was 14 yrs old but, it didnt go away. and now i dont know what wrong what right. can somdboy tell me
well im sorry for takin up so much space... if anybody got to the end of this mess anuywaay im sorry
im not sure why i am posting this really except i felt all day i wanted to post it, btu i couldnt do it, i kept starting and them didnt. and i dunno if i wish finish this time too. but we'll see...
sorry for any typos or mispellings,
well ok i alredy posted here 1nce about the abuse, well, i mean that happened almost 20 yrs ago, sometims it doesnt seem so real, i am detached... like it happend somebody else sort of. well so that makes it easier sometimes. but theres other things, wehn i was older, that i cant detach so well, its all just, you know sometims it fills up my head i guess, cant get it out. like it haunts me. i been haunted by these things. but i cnt explain anythimng or say anything just shut my mouth and watch peoople, and say nothing of myself...
well um not im really sure what i ws trying to say. i dont have the courage na i am too afraid, that the end of it, im just a coward. too afradi to let walls down. or complain or let somebody know i got feelings.
i mean i cant even talk on here really, to anybody. cnat even opost really, well i am posting now but i am saying nothing really.. and yes i ave been drinking, i sure you can all undertstand me just fine, just something i got to do. and in ordr to say anything i want to say. funny isnt it.
well here goes i will say what i can. if you dotn wanna hear boring rambling dont read it
i alredy posted, about the SA. that thread is down the board.so i hope this is ok to post about too becuse its not directly about the sA but in my head it allr elatded to one another, i mean i was all a child, it was..
well. i had abig family, i had 3 older brother, 2 sisters, 1 little brother. my siblings much older than me exceopt my twin sister. and my mom and my dad , my mom always sick allthe time and she had mental illness problems, and my dad, well my dad worked a lot to support us, i kow he had to put up with a lot, and all the problems oru fasmily caused...
and i know he come from a hard backgroun, though i never was allowd to know any of it. and he drank too much sometimes, a lot as timepassed, it got worse... and i guess, i dont know why, i guess i was a bad kid, and the weakest, i was who he took it out on. he beat me wors than any other in my family but i gues i did alot of bad things, and, i was a boy its ok to hit a boy more thna a girl so it was me more thn my sister. and i also thought this w was ok becuse i sister got the worse of the SA(not from my father he ddidnt do that) so it was ok i got beat worse i guess
but i mean, well soemtimes, im sad and aim angry, and i wish somebody had loved me. but i know it dont mattaer and everybody got those problems. but everyone overlookd me, wen my little brtoher was born they didn overlook him they doted on him, cuz he was sick. and stil we was overlookd. me and my tin sister, really only had eachother, oyr big sister took care of us (mom too sick/crrazy..) but only what she had to do, i gues, she was the closets igot to somebody caring. big brothers just beat us up and take our stuff. and taunt us you know al rhe brother stuff they werent much fun to be with. but my dad though they were great. excep the oldest they would help him do stuff and he card baout them a lot more than me. o one give a fuck of me. he calld me ""boy" more tha he called me my name. even wehn he wasnt mad.
at first i try to be as good i could do everything right but i stil got beat, and i guess i thought, fuck it i do whatver it doesnt matter he punish me anyway, and he still did, i was scared if him though but.. i dont knwo
i dont know anymore what to think. i use to think he wa he did whte best with what he had you know, id ont know, was it ok how he treatd me, was he abusive. i dont know. i was bad so i got in trouble. was it too much trouble i dont know.
i antganose and pushed him, i kne what it would do but i didnt it anyway. maybe to getmyself hurt. i was always playing around outsdine in the wood and all so i got hurt alot anyway it was eassy to say i brok my arm fallin out a tree or whatever. he broke y arm 2 time i rememeber but i was relly asking for it, but , i mean thats not cool tio breaking a kids arm i dont think. i wouldnt do it. even if he was a real brat. but i jus wanted my dad to love me care aabout me beside what i needed to be punished for... and i would do bad thing just to get seen. get noticed . at least i was geetting noticed. i was angry all th time it only got worse. still anrgy. i just learnt better to keep it inside. used to hurtt peopl attack for no reason,, fight , at schoool with my brother i even wold hit my sister, my own s sister i love , im terribl person to do this, but i got it unnder contol eventualy, i guess, weli had to it blew up i got kicked out.. ii havnt live with my dad since i was 14 yrs old but, it didnt go away. and now i dont know what wrong what right. can somdboy tell me
well im sorry for takin up so much space... if anybody got to the end of this mess anuywaay im sorry
