My family is making me nuts

My family is making me nuts
K

Ken Followell

Past President
This week I got to see in a blaze of all its dysfunctional glory they way my family "works". My brother was pulled over in a neighboring state and arrested since he was dring without a license and had some pot in hei vehicle. He was returned to the state were he lives and was about a 5 hours into a 18 hour trip.

Even though I rarely speak with him (he has no phone and lives 18 hours away), we spent a total of about 30 minutes together in his week stay in my town. He was staying with friends and visited mom a little. I saw him at Mom's. Anyway he called me to bail him out.

I didn't have the money to do that but after having him wait a couple days for a hearing were his bond might be reduced, it wasn't I called my fathers to see if he would pay and my step mother agreed to send a check. I drove the 5 hours to go get him and his truck and bring him back here.

In this whole process my father got mad at my brother-in-law becasue he knew he would be self righteous about my borther getting arrested again. I know that doesn't make any sense but it happened anyway. My mother was this hand wringing mess about the danger my brother was in in jail, so of course I had to do something (I am 44 and my borther is 42). My sister is torn up because she lives near my brother and has been dealing with this kind of thing for the time he has lived by her.

Any way, I went with another person to go get him and bring him back and now I find out that there was more pot in the truck I drove for him back here. The police didn't find it all and he never told me it was still in the vehicle that the police had the description of and plate numbers while I was drivng it. I wasn't stopped and there have been no repercussions, but tht was only luck. My brother put me at risk without allowing me to make the decision.

He was abused my the same uncles which have abused me as a child. We were both abused from before we could talk. Being older I feel guilt about his abuse because I never said anything. I know that is stupid but its still there.

But now I am done. I CANNOT save him and he doesn't care about me or anyone else. I feel like shit about this and will have all kinds of grief from amy wonderful supportive family, but I am done.

How can you walk away and not feel like a creep? How much do we take from our families before we say I am an orphan, I have no family and live that life? When can I stop trying to save them from themselves?

I don't expect answers to these questions that I don't really already know. I just don't know where to find whatever it takes to move out of the pain and into a life of my own.

Ken
 
Ken,
I recognize some of the things you say here as my ex had to do this (leave me behind) so that he could move on with his life and not take the responsibility for MY healing.
This is all about codependency, brother. You can't help your brother get better. You did the right thing and you shouldn't feel guity or bad about yourself for drawing a boundary around your life. This is a hard thing for us survivors to do because boundaries were never a part of our childhood.
It's not easy to know when to say "enough" and if your gut tells you that is enough, TRUST yourself and allow yourself to take care of YOURSELF first.
You are worth it.
Have a peaceful night.
 
Antonio,

Thank you for your compassionate words. It is hard to feel worth standing up for sometimes. This is one of those time that I am truly jealous of those who have had a "normal" life. If that phrase truly applies to anyone.

Ken
 
It is hard to feel worth standing up for sometimes.
Click to expand...
Yes it is. But you are. We all are. We have been taught we are not by our perps, uncaring people who won't listen, and society. So why does what people teach us dictate to us our worth or lack thereof? In the words of Yoda to Luke Skywalker,
"We must unlearn what we have learned." And learn a new way, listening to the voice within that says
"Yes dammit, I'm worth it!"

This is one of those time that I am truly jealous of those who have had a "normal" life.
Click to expand...
The more I look at what "the people who call it" call normal my friend the fewer of those times I have. But they're still there.

If that phrase truly applies to anyone.
Click to expand...
It doesn't.

Or if it does, its range is limited & flexible.

And its standards are not necessarily what those who define "normal" for us say they are.

Victor
 
Ken
I have been attending alanon meetings for relatives of drug users - the meetings and materials are very helpful in learning how we, who love the person who uses, are not responsible for their illness, need to overcome our own co-dependency and are powerless to fix their problem -

In many ways, we survivors of SA have poor boundaries and you are describing the larger dysfunction of your family - the problems your brother has are similar to the trouble many drug users have - and I think you will benefit from learning about co dependency. Your guilt over considering drawing a boundary for yourself sounds so familiar to what I have gone through with family members.... t
 
Thad I know where you are coming from. I always feel like I need to be helping my fmaily even when I have not had time to sleep in three days. When I told them I need some time to my self the got mad and hung the phone up. I felt like shit couse I was being an ass and only thinking of my needs not theirs. Then I though why should I kill my self for them when they will not lift a finger to help me. Ken you need to take care fo your self I know you are busy with things in your life and the hardest thing I have had to learn is that you cannot save them all!


lots of love young pup, Nathan
 
Yes, Ken, boundaries. They are so difficult.

Be gentle on yourself. Look at this as being there for yourself, instead of not being there for your family.

Peace,
JAmes
 
Thank you all for you kindness. I am learning to live with the decisions I am making and most of the time I like them.

The old guilt :confused: stilll raises its ugly head every once and a while but i am keeping a distance from my family until I gain some comfort in standing up for myself. I know I am worth that but the emotions are something else. I continue to work on that and your support here really helps.

Ken
 
Guilt is a natural that goes with our territory, we have the guilt because we were innocent victums of abuse......mine is why didn't I stop it. You cannot be the savior of your family, many of us have found this out the hard way. When we need the support the most that is when we are least likely to get it. Take care of yourself first, love yourself first. The rest hopefully for all of us will fall into place. We can try to be the savior of everyone when it is ourselves that need to be saved. Stay strong, stay positive in your own healing process.
Ernie(Bob)
 
Mother's Day weekend, what a treat. DAd and Mom are divorced but they both got in the at. Dad was drunk Saturday night and called to see what was going on with my brother. Stupid me actually tried to have a reasonable conversation with drunk Dad. 44 years and i still act like that is possible. Lunch with Mom today and the same tape continues to play. I cannot fathom who I would have to be to not be a part of this sick drama, but I am so tired of sitting through the same conversations over and over.

Good children (I'm 44) don't abandon their families but then again, "Good" families don't need to be left behind. I really am seeing that I can't save them but the question is Now what?

Any one want to trade families for a while, I could make you such a deal!!!

Ken
 
Ken:

I don't have one to trade...

Then again maybe that makes me the lucky one...

Sounds to me like you're not abandoning your family but like they abandoned you a long time ago. Maybe you are simply coming to acknowledge that.

There are many definitions of "family" and it depends on who's defining.

My so-called family of origin does not fit my definition of family or any reasonable one I can see.

So I can't abandon a family I don't have...

...and the family I do have, my own family of creation, I will never abandon. Nor will they ever abandon me.

And that is family for me.

Victor
 
I know this is an old thread but there are some gems here.

I know how incredibly hard it can be to stand up to a family if you have a hard time sticking up for yourself. As a child, I was never allowed to even engage in arguments, let alone (God forbid!) win them. As such, (a) my family steam-rolled me constantly, (b) I never learned how to say "no," even to strangers, without feeling tremendous guilt, (c) I felt that everyone's problems were my responsibility to solve, and (d) just relating to people, especially other males, was extremely difficult.

I was able to get past being under my family's control emotionally by setting up boundaries. It was hard as hell, but they know that if they go certain places with me, I'll tell them off. Getting up the courage to do this took years (and almost destroyed my marriage) but it had to happen if I were to stay sane.

If you're contemplating getting out of this situation, I would advise you to talk your situation over with someone you trust. Ask if your evaluation of what's happening sounds accurate. If you feel deep down that you're getting abused, take the leap, establish boundaries in writing if necessary, and then stick to your guns.

In my case, I wrote a letter giving numerous very specific examples of things they did that were either intentionally hurtful or were so careless as to border on intentionally hurtful. I gave example after example. I never got nasty or demanded an end to the relationship; I simply gave them the choice of ending this behavior going forward or I was going to be out of their lives. Their choice. It took four years(!) for them to respond, but eventually they did.

Like I said, this was harder than hell for me to do, but I held out and eventually my incredibly controlling family did in fact come around. Now, with healthy boundaries in place, I can relate to them properly and our relationship is better than it ever was.

I'd love to say there was an easy, non-confrontational way to break the cycle. With people who want to run all over you, though, there isn't. Trust yourself, demand what's right, and don't be surprised if it takes them a while to change. After all, they're used to having it all their way, not yours. But stick to your guns and put your own needs first for once, and you'll have the best chance to succeed.
 
Hi Ken,

I have read that we learn who we are by experiencing who we are not. That has been my experience, and unfortunately, for me, the only successful motivation for me to change has always been pain. Something had to hurt enough to make me seek out something different. I know you know what the word enabler means. Unfortunately, what we often get guilted into doing actually is supporting a very sick process and only prolongs the agony for everyone, IMO.

Best of luck to you. This sounds like a very familiar and very difficult to break pattern.

Don
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top