My families, my friends

My families, my friends
D

dwf

Registrant
As a child, I was neglected in my family and abandoned by my father who disappeared when I was 5.

I was sexually abused as a teenager.

In my adulthood, I was raped, more than once.

All of this, I kept secret.

Secrecy was my only refuge, my sole defense.

The most powerful ally in this defense of my secrecy became the conviction that I was so different, such a shameful creature, so far out of the realm of normal human experience that absolutely no one could be able or willing to bear the truth of me.

This incredibly strong barrier separating me from others kept my secret in, kept all others out and left me in despair.

Simultaneously I ached for human love and understanding. With an even more wrenching effort, I exerted all my efforts to keep others out and away from me.

The force of this dynamic ripped me apart.

Eventually, I abandoned myself.

I held my secret self in contempt. I possessed equal scorn for those outside of me who could not or would not penetrate my secret, who would not make their way past the defenses and come in and love me.

Today, as a man recovering from the effects of the neglect, the sexual abuse and the years of torturous coping, one of my constant struggles is to erase that invisible barrier I constructed so meticulously over those years.

That barrier kept the secret in, kept others out and left me alone, divided and inconsolable.

My families, my rriends are no different from me.

I am a survivor.

I am the friend of many survivors.

I am a member of many families whose legacy is one of abuse.

When I look to others, imagine all our differences then retreat into that painful, inconsolable secret world, I separate myself from you.

Rather than compare myself to others and contrast the difference between us, it is vital that I identify myself with you so that I may instead move into the warmth of human understanding and love that I crave.

I am my families, I am my friends.

The false dichotomy that I set up to defend myself is nothing more than a vicious trap, the same trap I became caught in when I was neglected and abused.

I am different from you only in the most unimportant ways.

Realizing, remembering and practicing the essential unbreakable bond that connects me to all human beings is the ultimate triumph over the forces of secrecy, darkness, pain, aloneness and cold that I once imagined to be my protectors.

In this moment, I feel those forces surging around me, in my time of sadness and need.

And so these words I write today are a rallying cry. I am calling my families and my friends, calling me to them and them to us.

Thanks for reading this all. I need each of you to be healed, to be comforted, to be whole.

Regards,
 
Hi Danny :)
Realizing, remembering and practicing the essential unbreakable bond that connects me to all human beings is the ultimate triumph over the forces of secrecy, darkness, pain, aloneness and cold that I once imagined to be my protectors.
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These are powerful words. Thank you for them.

It takes bravery and will to move beyond ourselves this way-- it creates selflessness, or at least we think it will? Really it is self-discovery through selflessness? Disovering ourselves in context, in kindness, in wholeness?

They are important words for me today-- I have been putting off a difficult decision for a long time, trying to figure out how my anger and need for solitude have limited my options.

There are words in your post that scare me. I think it's time for me to think about them hard, and figure out why I am afraid, and what I have to lose by identifying myself differently.

Sar
 
Danny, I think you said it for all the survivors, caught in that trap of lovelessness and secrecy, I wish it didn't have to be so. Not for you, not for anybody, but sadly it is to be.

I as a man, likes to reach out to others in pain, no matter who they may be, you are the same.

It is such a long journey, to realise at the end of it, that we may be freed from these hidden bonds. Bonds that need to be thrown into the past, and live our lives, as we were meant to.

I wish you all a much happier year of healing,

ste
 
Thank you for your good wishes.

They are important to me.

This is not the place, nor perhaps the time for me to try to describe the place I have come to in my life, the way I feel today that is so hard, so heavy and so difficult to bear alone.

Writing as I have done here is my attempt to escape the gravitational pull of that dark planet of depression that appears on the horizon when I am faced with feelings of sadness, grief and loss like today. And of course, it has to happen on a cold, grey day in Texas.

I feel tears just behind my eyes, wanting to come; warm tears to thaw this immobilizing dread that has me in its grasp.

I have reached out for love. I'm making chicken soup. I'm going to go to bed for a while.

I am grateful for your caring.
 
Danny,

I wont be back here until tomorrow. Restrictions of time. But if I can be of help, please let me know. A major dump wouldnt hurt me. But whatever. I want to be here with you. You are much too good to let go of. I want to keep you around, with me, for my own selfish reasons.

Aden
 
Hello all,

I've wanted to come back to this thread to let you all know a little bit about what has triggered this emotional razor-blade storm that has had me so down.

Today was the latest and most severe bout of fear/dread/depression in a series that I've been experiencing for a couple of weeks.

It's at a time like this that I am so grateful to be aware of at least part of how the sexual abuse continues to affect me.

Usual life stuff, difficult for anyone, can be for me triggers for a flood of memories, associations and emotions that parallel my abuse history.

In this case, for me, financial insecurity leads me back to thoughts of poverty. The family I grew up in lived in poverty--the real deal; no food, evictions, coming home to find the gas or electricity turned off; dodging bill collectors, torn, hand me down clothes and all the shame and humiliation you could imagine to go with it.

For me, the poverty and degrading conditions I grew up in, the neglect that occurred because of my fathers disappearance, my mother working in bars and beer joints for $5.00 a day to suuport 6 children--all that prepared me for the abuse that came to me when I was 15.

Being needy, for food, love, attention made me an easy prey for the older male who seduced and abandoned me.

I could go on about this, but hopefully this is enough to give you an idea of how life was.

The man who sexually abused me became my provider of food and shelter. He 'rescued' me.

I spent much of the rest of my life seeking similar men who might 'rescue' me. I think that especially the neglect by my mother, the abandonment by my father left me emotionally impoverished.

Seeking security and shelter from men in exchange for sexual favors degraded me even more than I thought possible.

Finally, about 12 years ago, I sought help for my alcoholic drinking. As a result of that I began to acquire the rudimentary skills needed to be financially more independent.

My sense of being emotionally incomplete was still strong. I was one of those guys who always slept with the boss--to make sure my paycheck was going to be there.

God, it is hard to describe all of this!

Now, at 50 years old, after struggling to achieve financial freedom I had for a while to actually had pretty good financial success. I owned property, had retirement funds, successful career, health insurance--all the markers of successful middle class American pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps mythology.

Today, as the result of illness, medical bills, psychiatric expenses and severe depression I am on the verge of bankruptcy.

And it scares the shit out of me. I feel like I did when I was 15 and didn't know where to go or what to do when I left home and got thrown out of high school.

What happened to me then is that the man who sexually abused me found me. And the rest, as they say, is history.

In four years I have left my stable, secure nest of financial well-being and am now applying for food stamps, Medicaid, am on disability and trying to get SSI.

And I feel so scared deep inside of myself. I feel like it's all going to happen again like it did before.

Only this time I'm old and unattractive and nobody will even want me to abuse or exploit.
I feel like my father who traded his families farm for a 1952 Dodge, earning the eternal hatred of his siblings.

Specifically tomorrow I will close on the sale of my beloved 'tulip farm', the place I bought just last year that was going to be my solace, my connection, my second chance.

Technically speaking, everything is just fine. I mean, lots of people go into bankruptcy, for fewer reasons than me.

And I have great attorneys (I hope), a CPA, therapist, pyschiatrist, friends, family and an incredible support network including my friends and my families here at MS.

Intellectually and rationally I can sort it all out.

But the emotions don't respond to reason. Part of me feels like I'm standing on the edge of that same yawning precipice I stood on 35 years ago when I plunged out into the world and into the hands of the abuser.

I am trying everything I can to get these feelings out into the reality of my life today. They cling to my insides and it feels like getting them out will tear my guts out with them.

I am writing this in part as part of my self care--reaching out, asking for support, love, encouragement. All those things I didn't have when I was 15.

It all gets tangled up and stuck inside me. By letting some of it out, it loses its power to paralyze me.

So something like financial insecurity, bankruptcy, hard enough for the average guy becomes a nighmare for me.

And I don't need anyone to fix it, or diagnose it, or dismiss it or minimize it. It doesn't need anything.

But I do. I need to be heard, to be listened to, to be understood, to be cared about, to be accepted, to be loved.

I want to apologize for bothering people with this--but I won't.

I hope instead that by 'bothering' people with this, someone else might see themselves in me. Someone might begin to understand why everyday life situations become living nightmares for them or for their loved ones.

Of course, I am going to be all right. The chicken and rice soup I made was very hearty and nourishing. I made enough for a dozen hungry lumberjacks--that feels reassuring to me. I cancelled my plans to go and dig up the magnolia tree I'm going to take from my farm before it is no longer mine--that would have been too hard today.

And I went and slept for a few minutes in my nice, warm, soft bed that is mine and that I don't have to do anything else to earn.

And I came here and found all the other things I always wanted. The acceptance, care and love from those who understand because they too have been there---

Tomorrow I'll sell my land and move forward.

Thanks for being here with me today.
 
I am writing this in part as part of my self care--reaching out, asking for support, love, encouragement. All those things I didn't have when I was 15.
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Danny,
We don't know each other, but I want to extend a hug to that 15 year old, who never should have had to face what he did alone. And to the 50 year old, who has grown into such a wise, caring person. Remind that frightened, neglected child that you're here to take care of him now. You're wealthy in the friends and family you have, both here and in real life. In the end, that's what it's really all about.
Emerald
 
Thank you, Emerald. I read your words first thing this morning. They brought tears to my eyes. The tears are welcome and necessary.

It is so easy for me to allow my intellect to overwhelm my emotions; for my brain to smother the crying of my heart. I think that's called coping.

Instead of coping, today I have hope to be able to move forward mind aware and open hearted.

The sexual abuse was too much for that 15 year old to handle alone. But he didn't see any other choice. Thank you for remembering him and reminding me to reach back to him.

And this life today is too much for me, the 50 year old man, to handle alone also.

Now I have the choice. I don't have to be alone, ever again. That's the message your words sent to my heart. And I am grateful.

This is a really big chunk for me to swallow and digest. It's not easy and it makes me feel stupid and inadequate, because 50 year old men should be able to do this without blinking, right?

15 year old boys should not have had to make the choices I had to make alone.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be made whole again.
 
This is a really big chunk for me to swallow and digest. It's not easy and it makes me feel stupid and inadequate, because 50 year old men should be able to do this without blinking, right?
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Naw. As a 50 year old man you are finally wise enough to know this isn't the definition of a man. At 15 you hadn't learned that yet. Today's a hard day. I'm waiting to hear from my aunt about my uncle's surgery. I've got fingers and toes crossed. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you as well.
Hugs, Emerald
 
SAR,

Mailbox has been cleared a bit.

Thanks for the heads up.

Emerald, I hope you hear the news you're hoping for. Waiting is hard.

I closed on my land sale today. Having processed so many of the painful emotions over the last few days made it a really simple thing to do.

It's interesting....having dealt a lot with what this land sale represented to me, being able to process the emotional content of the situation with you all, made it so simple to actually accomplish the task that was at hand.

And I owe much of the credit for that to all of you here. Being here for me, listening, understanding and responding as you have was a
tremendous blessing for me.

May all those blessings be yours also.

Regards,
 
Emerald, I hope you hear the news you're hoping for. Waiting is hard.
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Yes, but so far the news is very good! And thank you for asking.

Yes, the emotional part is the hardest. I too let my "thinking" override my emotions at times ... as you said, a coping mechanisim. Now I'm trying to listen to my intuition, ie. soul.

WOW, you're a moderator! What does that mean?

Glad this day is behind both of us.
Emerald
 
There is one thing that I pray for you. That I pray for all here.
That in your time of need, or in your time of joy.....you realize you are never alone.
There are things in this world that I cannot answer to. Horrific things that make no sense.
I will say to you this one thing..... there is some one who loves you and is awaiting your acknowledgement. You are His child and He will hold you up.
There are many great comforts in this life...and many wretched painful variables in between. If not for the Father, and the knowledge of the superficialness of this existance...many beings drown in the demise of what "is". Man will fail you, as he is not perfect.

Trust in the Lord, with all your heart. Never rely on what you think
you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do,
and He will show you the way.
---Proverbs 3:5-6


Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for
the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
---Joshua 1:9

All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God's paths to
follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the guilt and sins of us all.
---Isaiah 53:6

Choose to love the Lord your God and to obey him and to commit
yourself to him, for he is your life.
---Deuteronomy 30:20a

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our
transgressions from us.
---Psalm 103:12

For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward
appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
---1 Samuel 16:7

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him
and he shall direct your paths.
---Proverbs 3:5-6

If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well,
sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you,
but you should rule over it.
---Genesis 4:7

This has been the one thing that has brought peace to the heart and soul of the man I love.
He realizes he is not alone and although in a world of sin, he has so much worth living for and awaiting him.
God Bless-
 
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