My experience of life as a csa survivor
Tryingtolive
Registrant
I wasn’t sure how to begin this post mainly just going to be discussing my view on life and my current stance on battling mental health issues relating to my abuse and addictions that surfaced which I believe are all rooted. I wanted to start being more willing and open to discuss my life and this may help others reading on here.
Early life
I started out as any normal boy playing enjoying life. I remember being so carefree in my childhood days. The normal things a child does and sees the world. I won’t go much into detail about the csa. For me my life always seemed normal that is what I really Try finding going back to memories as a child. I found myself always around many friends. Never was isolated. But in a way I was withdrawn I fit right in but I was very well alone. Early life in school I didn’t deal with any bullying. A few scuffles normal boy things. I found myself at such an early age to appear Strong. Fit in with anyone else that was super cool. I could get along with the new kids at school. I was always a very happy child I thought. At least I thought. In those times I didn’t really have a sense of what was really be done around me or toward me. I wasn’t really experiencing life I guess. ( trigger warning) I was abused in my childhood home. By a sibling. Much older than me. This went on for 4-5 years from what I can remember. I won’t go into detail cause not much of that is needed. But during this time I remember having crushes on females and really wanting to impress anyone I could. I really wanted to be a good student and athletics was something that I could take my mind off the things that were going on at home. So I grew to love some sports as a child and while also escaping through video games. In a way it felt like I was always trying to be this person I never knew how to handle. My family life was rough but I learned to ignore that all the way up until my late teens. By the time I got to highschool I was one of the cool kids. Didn’t really like being around any smart kids ( although I wish I could of been one of them) on the inside I was a nerd but acting as this tough kid to the outside world. I didn’t have much or any relationships with the opposite sex. out of being judged for what was going on to me. By the time I was in my mid teens I was basically shut down sexually and emotionally. More so I was still very outgoing and loving. But I was no longer living my own life. I learned to blend in. I learned the tricks to get by with grades. I was very aware of my surroundings growing up. I was no longer focused on my grades but essentially how and everyone was viewing me at the time. Once highschool had begun. I was doing the bare minimum to pass classes. I was finding my way out of all my sports that I enjoyed and was very good at as a kid. I started to hang out with the wrong crowd and I indulged in drinking, smoking, skipping classes. This was all so new to me. Alcohol and partying. It really took the guard off from what was really in the back of my mind with the things I’ve seen and been through as a child. Not only was the sexual abuse difficult but and abusive alcoholic father who was very unstable at times. So never having a stable home really sent my mind in a spiral once i started partying. My mid to late teens I was basically accepting I wasn’t going anywhere with my academics nor did I want to pursue any sports. I was heavily indulged with video games at this time finishing up highschool and I’d spend countless hours and days just filling a void in my mind that it was okay to be this way. By the time i graduated I had lost many friends but still had a core group of friends I kept around. My last year of highschool I was very with drawn and that’s when life really got hard for me. Essentially realizing my life isn’t where I thought it would be growing up as a kid to maybe of having a dream to play a sport in college. To just accepting I’m alive. My mental health battles began early for me maybe 10th or 11th grade I was withdrawing and I completely lost myself at least in a way I was no longer acting out who i wanted to be but afraid of what I’d show people who I was. The facade I lived it caught up to me and I never understood who I become coming out of highschool. The next couple years I was still living at home and drowning out in video games. Found a job which lasted 2 years until my full blown mental breakdown which led me to see my first therapist and psychiatrist. I didn’t mind therapy essentially I think it helped tremendously the first couple sessions. I wasn’t seeing the right therapist by this time I knew how bad my mental health was and began to understand the conditions I had before seeing a licensed therapist. I began diving deep in the sessions which lead me to confess what had happened to me as a child. A weight was lifted but that was only for a while. My young mind thought just saying it out loud would make the pain and everything I felt and was feeling would go away. As this time was going I lost contact to not all but most of my friends from school. I kept cutting off friends one by one. Until essentially I was alone and back to hanging around a bad crowd of people and would drink heavy all while in therapy. I then realized how much of time I was wasting not taking the control I wanted so badly. I quit therapy and kept drinking. I was never on drugs. Hated the thought of starting medications or any for Recreation use.
My adult life with csa and mental health
By this time my family life had gotten worse bringing up the past and the big family I did have was slowly passing away. I’m going to intentionally skip out some details but as I grow up I realize more and more how dysfunctional the family I grew up in was. I was looking for blame and it was all on my family as an adult. It pains me to put shame on others. As a man not being able to handle this on my own. I started to live a healthy life in my mid 20s and I began working out and saw extreme benefits of working out and was looking good and compliments to back it. I found my love for athletics again and I was just realizing how bad my life was and mentality was as a kid. I had a few relationships that never lasted with females. Some sexual acts that brought back some memories. And I shut myself out again from the world. By this time I’ve always questioned my sexuality. But now I was really starting to question it cause I wouldn’t let anyone close to me. Especially females. All the girls I ever wanted never wanted me growing up and it was playing out like that in my adult life. I’ve always had my fantasies with men and never liked the thought of it of actually going through with it. I’ve never had anything sexual with another man in my life besides my abuse. So not only was I trying to fit in with friends still I was not in touch with any of myself with how I wanted to be sexually in life. Sex in general once you hit a certain age as a male is a standard. Not having any bonds with anyone or keeping my guard up I carried that on into my adult life. I couldn’t and still can’t open up to people to see this mess of a person Iam. I was diagnosed with cptsd gad and major depression I think was my first diagnoses. While on top of that not having any clue who you are or who you want to be. I developed a very bad gambling habit which I’m currently still dealing with. Alcohol and gambling are something I’ve quit and relapsed pretty heavy on. Now im entering this stage of my life where just being happy is my main priority. My addictions have lead to some very bad times. Im realizing how impossible it is to do this alone. Being a male being so alone since you were a child causes some very destructive tendencies. I’m currently doing okay but not wanting to relapse again. I have a core group of friends now. that know of the abuse but I left out the specific kind. I’m trying my best to learn from all the things I’ve been through. Healing is number 1
I’m going to be adding on to this post in the next few days but thank you for reading
Early life
I started out as any normal boy playing enjoying life. I remember being so carefree in my childhood days. The normal things a child does and sees the world. I won’t go much into detail about the csa. For me my life always seemed normal that is what I really Try finding going back to memories as a child. I found myself always around many friends. Never was isolated. But in a way I was withdrawn I fit right in but I was very well alone. Early life in school I didn’t deal with any bullying. A few scuffles normal boy things. I found myself at such an early age to appear Strong. Fit in with anyone else that was super cool. I could get along with the new kids at school. I was always a very happy child I thought. At least I thought. In those times I didn’t really have a sense of what was really be done around me or toward me. I wasn’t really experiencing life I guess. ( trigger warning) I was abused in my childhood home. By a sibling. Much older than me. This went on for 4-5 years from what I can remember. I won’t go into detail cause not much of that is needed. But during this time I remember having crushes on females and really wanting to impress anyone I could. I really wanted to be a good student and athletics was something that I could take my mind off the things that were going on at home. So I grew to love some sports as a child and while also escaping through video games. In a way it felt like I was always trying to be this person I never knew how to handle. My family life was rough but I learned to ignore that all the way up until my late teens. By the time I got to highschool I was one of the cool kids. Didn’t really like being around any smart kids ( although I wish I could of been one of them) on the inside I was a nerd but acting as this tough kid to the outside world. I didn’t have much or any relationships with the opposite sex. out of being judged for what was going on to me. By the time I was in my mid teens I was basically shut down sexually and emotionally. More so I was still very outgoing and loving. But I was no longer living my own life. I learned to blend in. I learned the tricks to get by with grades. I was very aware of my surroundings growing up. I was no longer focused on my grades but essentially how and everyone was viewing me at the time. Once highschool had begun. I was doing the bare minimum to pass classes. I was finding my way out of all my sports that I enjoyed and was very good at as a kid. I started to hang out with the wrong crowd and I indulged in drinking, smoking, skipping classes. This was all so new to me. Alcohol and partying. It really took the guard off from what was really in the back of my mind with the things I’ve seen and been through as a child. Not only was the sexual abuse difficult but and abusive alcoholic father who was very unstable at times. So never having a stable home really sent my mind in a spiral once i started partying. My mid to late teens I was basically accepting I wasn’t going anywhere with my academics nor did I want to pursue any sports. I was heavily indulged with video games at this time finishing up highschool and I’d spend countless hours and days just filling a void in my mind that it was okay to be this way. By the time i graduated I had lost many friends but still had a core group of friends I kept around. My last year of highschool I was very with drawn and that’s when life really got hard for me. Essentially realizing my life isn’t where I thought it would be growing up as a kid to maybe of having a dream to play a sport in college. To just accepting I’m alive. My mental health battles began early for me maybe 10th or 11th grade I was withdrawing and I completely lost myself at least in a way I was no longer acting out who i wanted to be but afraid of what I’d show people who I was. The facade I lived it caught up to me and I never understood who I become coming out of highschool. The next couple years I was still living at home and drowning out in video games. Found a job which lasted 2 years until my full blown mental breakdown which led me to see my first therapist and psychiatrist. I didn’t mind therapy essentially I think it helped tremendously the first couple sessions. I wasn’t seeing the right therapist by this time I knew how bad my mental health was and began to understand the conditions I had before seeing a licensed therapist. I began diving deep in the sessions which lead me to confess what had happened to me as a child. A weight was lifted but that was only for a while. My young mind thought just saying it out loud would make the pain and everything I felt and was feeling would go away. As this time was going I lost contact to not all but most of my friends from school. I kept cutting off friends one by one. Until essentially I was alone and back to hanging around a bad crowd of people and would drink heavy all while in therapy. I then realized how much of time I was wasting not taking the control I wanted so badly. I quit therapy and kept drinking. I was never on drugs. Hated the thought of starting medications or any for Recreation use.
My adult life with csa and mental health
By this time my family life had gotten worse bringing up the past and the big family I did have was slowly passing away. I’m going to intentionally skip out some details but as I grow up I realize more and more how dysfunctional the family I grew up in was. I was looking for blame and it was all on my family as an adult. It pains me to put shame on others. As a man not being able to handle this on my own. I started to live a healthy life in my mid 20s and I began working out and saw extreme benefits of working out and was looking good and compliments to back it. I found my love for athletics again and I was just realizing how bad my life was and mentality was as a kid. I had a few relationships that never lasted with females. Some sexual acts that brought back some memories. And I shut myself out again from the world. By this time I’ve always questioned my sexuality. But now I was really starting to question it cause I wouldn’t let anyone close to me. Especially females. All the girls I ever wanted never wanted me growing up and it was playing out like that in my adult life. I’ve always had my fantasies with men and never liked the thought of it of actually going through with it. I’ve never had anything sexual with another man in my life besides my abuse. So not only was I trying to fit in with friends still I was not in touch with any of myself with how I wanted to be sexually in life. Sex in general once you hit a certain age as a male is a standard. Not having any bonds with anyone or keeping my guard up I carried that on into my adult life. I couldn’t and still can’t open up to people to see this mess of a person Iam. I was diagnosed with cptsd gad and major depression I think was my first diagnoses. While on top of that not having any clue who you are or who you want to be. I developed a very bad gambling habit which I’m currently still dealing with. Alcohol and gambling are something I’ve quit and relapsed pretty heavy on. Now im entering this stage of my life where just being happy is my main priority. My addictions have lead to some very bad times. Im realizing how impossible it is to do this alone. Being a male being so alone since you were a child causes some very destructive tendencies. I’m currently doing okay but not wanting to relapse again. I have a core group of friends now. that know of the abuse but I left out the specific kind. I’m trying my best to learn from all the things I’ve been through. Healing is number 1
I’m going to be adding on to this post in the next few days but thank you for reading
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