My experience at Alta
I recently spent a weekend at a MaleSurvivor retreat. It is by far the most powerful healing experience I have ever had. As I write this I am listening to a playlist of songs from the two MaleSurvivor retreats I have attended and watching a slide show of pictures taken this past weekend, with people, survivor artwork, and the incredible scenery the mountain environment offered. At times it's hard not to start crying. Some of the songs have quite a powerful effect on me.
I woke up at 4:30 on Thursday morning to get to the airport for my 6:45 flight to Salt Lake City. After a rather uneventful flight, I met a friend who was at the retreat with me in April. He and I bonded while we were there, and we roomed together this weekend, but we didn't have much time together with the way the weekend went.
We went into Salt Lake and visited his company's office before heading to the local shopping complex for lunch. After eating, we went to the planetarium in the shopping center. It had a number of exhibits about space and the space program, along with shows of various types. We decided to watch two of their programs in the planetarium, one about the possibility of life on other planets, and another on the nature of black holes. Neither show was as detailed as I would have liked them to be, but for the average Joe who doesn't geek out like I do, I suppose they would have been more interesting.
After the shows we headed to our hotel, about 15 miles south of the airport. He took a nap and I got some reading done. About 6 we went to dinner, and then back to the room to sleep. Both of us were exhausted, but I found myself unable to sleep until 11:00 that night. I woke up at my usual times, 1:30am and 3:30am for no apparent reason, as I did every night for the weekend.
Friday morning we drove up the mountain to the Alta Lodge, a ski resort above Salt Lake. It's absolutely beautiful up there. My first impression was the lack of oxygen in the air. I was winded just by walking down the 60 or so steps from the road to the lobby. We checked in and went to our room for a while before coming back out to the lobby to talk with other participants as they came in. There were seven (out of fifteen) of us attending the weekend, and it was great to catch up with them. There was approximately 30 total participants this weekend.
When we registered that morning, we were supposed to sign up for three workshops of our choice of those offered at the time. I chose Pacing in Recovery, Improving Your Relationship With Your Sexuality, and Embodying Power and Love in that order, the first to be held Saturday morning, the second Saturday afternoon, and the third Sunday morning. As it turned out, I was the only person who chose the Pacing workshop, so they had to cancel it. I instead chose the Inner Child Play workshop and the Sexuality workshop as my first and second workshops respectively, unknowing how much fate had played a part in the weekend that was to come.
After lunch we walked up those cursed stairs and across the street to the Our Lady of the Snows chapel a cement "pillbox" of a building, and had our opening ritual in which we lit a candle, took a flower from a bouquet and transferred it to another vase (symbolizing coming together), and introduced ourselves, relating what we hoped to accomplish during the weekend. There was a lot of apprehension in the group, and understandably so given what had brought us together. Personally, I wasn't sure what I wanted to accomplish -- perhaps learning how to pace my recovery, or get in better touch with my emotions.
The next two hours were spent putting together our safety contract, a list of things that we as survivors need to feel safe enough to do the work we had come together to do. Items on the list included no physical contact without permission, no violence, acceptance for who and what we are, no judgment, freedom of expression, freedom to keep ourselves safe... the list was quite extensive.
Dinner was next on the agenda, followed by "small group" meetings. The participants were divided into five groups containing six participants joined by two of facilitators. My small group was led by Lee and Leanne. One of the paticipants had been with me in Simpsonwood, and we'd met again in June or July at a peer support group in Florida. Another participant played a pivotal part in the weekend for me during the weekend. The rest of the men I got to know a bit about as the weekend progressed.
After small groups, climbed those cursed stairs again and crossed over the street to Our Lady of the Snows for our first program, Grounding and Opening. It was lead by a man named Paul Linden, an Aikido master as well as being a facilitator. He delivered an incredible presentation showing how much our emotions affect our body. What struck me most was that when we become aggressive or angry, our body goes into a stress response mode and begins to contract. Our shoulders roll forward, we raise our chin slightly... we make ourselves weaker at the very time we need to be strongest. Nothing showed that better than a practical demonstration. Paul had a participant come up and stand in place while thinking angry thoughts. Paul pushed him forcefully, and he moved backward a step. Paul then helped the man correct his posture, connect to his feelings in his body, and told him to think of something that made "his heart smile". Paul then pushed him again with the same force, and the man didn't move. He was rock solid. There were numerous examples of this type of thing. In one, Paul told us that if you want to hit something, instead of hitting it in anger, hit it in love. We all laughed, but then he showed us by swinging a stick into another held by one of the facilitators, first with angry thoughts, and then with love (relaxed, in touch with the body, a happy thought in mind). The first made a loud crack as it struck, and the target moved about 30 degrees from where it was. The second all but knocked the target stick out of the assistant's hands. I tried something like this on Sunday. It was absolutely amazing, and definitely something to keep in mind for the future.
After the Opening and Grounding session, we were free to do what we liked until the next morning. I spent the time talking to other survivors from various places (one an irishman from Germany). The conversation roamed wide and far, eventually leading us to our rooms about 11:30.
The next morning I almost overslept, but got up in time to shower and make it to breakfast. We had a brief check-in, each saying two words that described our state. I think I said I was feeling, "tired and anticipation". After announcements, we broke off to our first workshops, in my case, "Inner Child Play: From Shame to Loving Myself" led by Dale and Mikele. The description reads:
Inner Child Play: from shame to loving myself through support, play and process those who choose this breakout will have the opportunity to "dis-cover" the child hidden under the shameful lies and actions of others, come to feel loving and safe compassion from our furry friends, and allow both the serious and silly play of children as we find friends, truths, and a little boy to love for a lifetime. P.S.: Don't forget to bring your Furry Friends!
What happened during this workshop is terribly amazing. Here is a paraphrase of my journal entry from that workshop with some more information added as I transcribe it:
The next workshop took place after our break. I was pretty numb by this point, so I couldn't invest myself emotionally into what was happening, and I don't remember much of the workshop.
After dinner, there was a survivor panel where four participants shared their own survivor-to-thriver story. All four were quite inspiring, and I thank them all for sharing with us their hope.
That evening, a number of us gathered in the lobby of the lodge to talk. I was feeling uneasy with everything that had happened during the day. One of the facilitators from the inner child workshop spoke to me for a few moments and chastized me for being too hard on myself and expecting too much of myself when I was a young boy. It brought more tears to my eyes.
Shortly afterwards, the other facilitator wandered by, and I spoke to him about my feelings and thinking. We went to a safe room and talked more about pacing, about the emotions I was feeling as a result of the inner child workshop. He helped calm me down and gave me some suggestions as to what I can do to help keep myself from getting overwhelmed. After talking with him, I felt better but still drained. I went to bed and slept well.
Sunday morning we had our third workshop. I took the workshop led by Paul. It built on what we learned in the Opening and Grounding session. When it ended, I asked for and got Paul's card. I'm going to look into getting him here to the Bay Area for a workshop, or I'm seriously considering flying out to his office and spending a week working with him.
The retreat was awesome, and the hardest thing I will ever do again.
I woke up at 4:30 on Thursday morning to get to the airport for my 6:45 flight to Salt Lake City. After a rather uneventful flight, I met a friend who was at the retreat with me in April. He and I bonded while we were there, and we roomed together this weekend, but we didn't have much time together with the way the weekend went.
We went into Salt Lake and visited his company's office before heading to the local shopping complex for lunch. After eating, we went to the planetarium in the shopping center. It had a number of exhibits about space and the space program, along with shows of various types. We decided to watch two of their programs in the planetarium, one about the possibility of life on other planets, and another on the nature of black holes. Neither show was as detailed as I would have liked them to be, but for the average Joe who doesn't geek out like I do, I suppose they would have been more interesting.
After the shows we headed to our hotel, about 15 miles south of the airport. He took a nap and I got some reading done. About 6 we went to dinner, and then back to the room to sleep. Both of us were exhausted, but I found myself unable to sleep until 11:00 that night. I woke up at my usual times, 1:30am and 3:30am for no apparent reason, as I did every night for the weekend.
Friday morning we drove up the mountain to the Alta Lodge, a ski resort above Salt Lake. It's absolutely beautiful up there. My first impression was the lack of oxygen in the air. I was winded just by walking down the 60 or so steps from the road to the lobby. We checked in and went to our room for a while before coming back out to the lobby to talk with other participants as they came in. There were seven (out of fifteen) of us attending the weekend, and it was great to catch up with them. There was approximately 30 total participants this weekend.
When we registered that morning, we were supposed to sign up for three workshops of our choice of those offered at the time. I chose Pacing in Recovery, Improving Your Relationship With Your Sexuality, and Embodying Power and Love in that order, the first to be held Saturday morning, the second Saturday afternoon, and the third Sunday morning. As it turned out, I was the only person who chose the Pacing workshop, so they had to cancel it. I instead chose the Inner Child Play workshop and the Sexuality workshop as my first and second workshops respectively, unknowing how much fate had played a part in the weekend that was to come.
After lunch we walked up those cursed stairs and across the street to the Our Lady of the Snows chapel a cement "pillbox" of a building, and had our opening ritual in which we lit a candle, took a flower from a bouquet and transferred it to another vase (symbolizing coming together), and introduced ourselves, relating what we hoped to accomplish during the weekend. There was a lot of apprehension in the group, and understandably so given what had brought us together. Personally, I wasn't sure what I wanted to accomplish -- perhaps learning how to pace my recovery, or get in better touch with my emotions.
The next two hours were spent putting together our safety contract, a list of things that we as survivors need to feel safe enough to do the work we had come together to do. Items on the list included no physical contact without permission, no violence, acceptance for who and what we are, no judgment, freedom of expression, freedom to keep ourselves safe... the list was quite extensive.
Dinner was next on the agenda, followed by "small group" meetings. The participants were divided into five groups containing six participants joined by two of facilitators. My small group was led by Lee and Leanne. One of the paticipants had been with me in Simpsonwood, and we'd met again in June or July at a peer support group in Florida. Another participant played a pivotal part in the weekend for me during the weekend. The rest of the men I got to know a bit about as the weekend progressed.
After small groups, climbed those cursed stairs again and crossed over the street to Our Lady of the Snows for our first program, Grounding and Opening. It was lead by a man named Paul Linden, an Aikido master as well as being a facilitator. He delivered an incredible presentation showing how much our emotions affect our body. What struck me most was that when we become aggressive or angry, our body goes into a stress response mode and begins to contract. Our shoulders roll forward, we raise our chin slightly... we make ourselves weaker at the very time we need to be strongest. Nothing showed that better than a practical demonstration. Paul had a participant come up and stand in place while thinking angry thoughts. Paul pushed him forcefully, and he moved backward a step. Paul then helped the man correct his posture, connect to his feelings in his body, and told him to think of something that made "his heart smile". Paul then pushed him again with the same force, and the man didn't move. He was rock solid. There were numerous examples of this type of thing. In one, Paul told us that if you want to hit something, instead of hitting it in anger, hit it in love. We all laughed, but then he showed us by swinging a stick into another held by one of the facilitators, first with angry thoughts, and then with love (relaxed, in touch with the body, a happy thought in mind). The first made a loud crack as it struck, and the target moved about 30 degrees from where it was. The second all but knocked the target stick out of the assistant's hands. I tried something like this on Sunday. It was absolutely amazing, and definitely something to keep in mind for the future.
After the Opening and Grounding session, we were free to do what we liked until the next morning. I spent the time talking to other survivors from various places (one an irishman from Germany). The conversation roamed wide and far, eventually leading us to our rooms about 11:30.
The next morning I almost overslept, but got up in time to shower and make it to breakfast. We had a brief check-in, each saying two words that described our state. I think I said I was feeling, "tired and anticipation". After announcements, we broke off to our first workshops, in my case, "Inner Child Play: From Shame to Loving Myself" led by Dale and Mikele. The description reads:
Inner Child Play: from shame to loving myself through support, play and process those who choose this breakout will have the opportunity to "dis-cover" the child hidden under the shameful lies and actions of others, come to feel loving and safe compassion from our furry friends, and allow both the serious and silly play of children as we find friends, truths, and a little boy to love for a lifetime. P.S.: Don't forget to bring your Furry Friends!
What happened during this workshop is terribly amazing. Here is a paraphrase of my journal entry from that workshop with some more information added as I transcribe it:
We broke for lunch and a two-hour break, during which I spent time with the facilitator who would have led the pacing in recovery workshop. We walked outside in the sun and sat at a table below the lodge and talked about what I'm facing and what I can do to manage everything better so I don't feel so overwhelmed. The conversation then turned to quantum mechanics and how intention helps to form our reality.... I won't bore you with the details, but I thoroghly enjoyed the conversation.
The next workshop took place after our break. I was pretty numb by this point, so I couldn't invest myself emotionally into what was happening, and I don't remember much of the workshop.
After dinner, there was a survivor panel where four participants shared their own survivor-to-thriver story. All four were quite inspiring, and I thank them all for sharing with us their hope.
That evening, a number of us gathered in the lobby of the lodge to talk. I was feeling uneasy with everything that had happened during the day. One of the facilitators from the inner child workshop spoke to me for a few moments and chastized me for being too hard on myself and expecting too much of myself when I was a young boy. It brought more tears to my eyes.
Shortly afterwards, the other facilitator wandered by, and I spoke to him about my feelings and thinking. We went to a safe room and talked more about pacing, about the emotions I was feeling as a result of the inner child workshop. He helped calm me down and gave me some suggestions as to what I can do to help keep myself from getting overwhelmed. After talking with him, I felt better but still drained. I went to bed and slept well.
Sunday morning we had our third workshop. I took the workshop led by Paul. It built on what we learned in the Opening and Grounding session. When it ended, I asked for and got Paul's card. I'm going to look into getting him here to the Bay Area for a workshop, or I'm seriously considering flying out to his office and spending a week working with him.
The retreat was awesome, and the hardest thing I will ever do again.
