My Ex, Part 2/2
blackrabbit223
Registrant
There’s too much to summarize and I’m still not sure when everything happened, or how much of it was real. So I’m just going to focus on the worst year, 2020. Yesterday I ended up deleting what was left of our old messages, but not before re-reading the one that started it all. Those three months were my personal hell.
I didn’t catch the date, but that was sent in May or June I believe, after having been in total lockdown for a few months. The plan their parents proposed was for me to temporarily move in with Sage, because they were functioning so poorly without me around. My family and I agreed to the idea, because we didn’t know any better.
Most of the visit is hazy, even after looking at old pictures of the house. It’s so heavily repressed that my usual strategies to jog my memory just won’t work. I can guess what we would’ve done based off of what I remember about the other times I was over there. Watching movies, eating, normal things like that.
The abuse tended to happen late at night when everyone else was asleep, or when we were alone. Before 2020, that was an occasional treat for them, but once school and work started up again, they had free rein. Sometime between 7/8/9:00am to 4/5/6:00 pm, we were entirely alone in the main section of the house, because their parents had gone to work and their little sister was attending school. Both of our classes were being held online, so there was no escape from that house for me.
I could still text my parents, I wasn’t totally isolated, but I relied on Sage for so much. Mainly, transportation. I still can’t drive, and if I ever had decided to try running away then, I could easily be found. They had survival experience from a program they were in, and lived out in the country. This also made them terrifyingly good at hide-and-seek, even if I tried my hardest to disguise myself. I’m not sure when we started playing their version, but it felt like being in a horror movie.
Sage would say that they were a stoat and I was a rabbit, which if you don’t know, it’s a weasel-like animal that eats rabbits. Reality only became more confusing for me, because they would also call me and treat me like one, too. This is why rabbits are so important to me, and why I chose my username - I have black hair, and for a while, I was their rabbit. There was wild lettuce growing in their backyard that they’d take me out to eat, because rabbits need their nutrients.
I hate that word now, nutrients. Along with all their other fetishes, they groomed me into feederism as well, which has left me with more trauma and disordered eating tendencies. Spaghetti, raspberries, and lettuce were Sage's favorite things to feed me, though watching me eat anything aroused them. It’s interesting, because I can eat buttered pasta and raspberries from a container just fine. But it’s specifically buttered spaghetti and raspberries growing from a bush that are triggering to me.
But by far the worst thing they did to me was force me to urinate on them. It was almost like a ritual. They’d bring me water and I’d drink it, wait until I was desperate to pee, then I’d waddle over to the bathtub and pee on them. I figured out I was transgender in 2020, and invested in an STP (stand-to-pee) device to help with my dysphoria, which is a hollowed-out penis made of silicone that lets you pee standing up. My STP became their favorite way for me to pee on them, because I could stand over them instead of crouching down. Also because it allowed me to urinate into their mouth and get sucked off, even though I couldn’t feel anything there.
That experience resulted in an intense fear of using public restrooms, and at the same time, fetishes for exhibitionism and urinating. I’ve never acted on them before, but I think about it a lot. Whenever I do have to use a public bathroom, the idea of someone else listening to me pee simultaneously disgusts and arouses me. I’ve never used my STP in public, and even though I desperately want bottom surgery, the idea of using a urinal terrifies me because of that similar standing position, and being watched.
(I cried bc of loneliness so mom wants to know if your parents would be ok with you coming over.)
I didn’t catch the date, but that was sent in May or June I believe, after having been in total lockdown for a few months. The plan their parents proposed was for me to temporarily move in with Sage, because they were functioning so poorly without me around. My family and I agreed to the idea, because we didn’t know any better.
Most of the visit is hazy, even after looking at old pictures of the house. It’s so heavily repressed that my usual strategies to jog my memory just won’t work. I can guess what we would’ve done based off of what I remember about the other times I was over there. Watching movies, eating, normal things like that.
The abuse tended to happen late at night when everyone else was asleep, or when we were alone. Before 2020, that was an occasional treat for them, but once school and work started up again, they had free rein. Sometime between 7/8/9:00am to 4/5/6:00 pm, we were entirely alone in the main section of the house, because their parents had gone to work and their little sister was attending school. Both of our classes were being held online, so there was no escape from that house for me.
I could still text my parents, I wasn’t totally isolated, but I relied on Sage for so much. Mainly, transportation. I still can’t drive, and if I ever had decided to try running away then, I could easily be found. They had survival experience from a program they were in, and lived out in the country. This also made them terrifyingly good at hide-and-seek, even if I tried my hardest to disguise myself. I’m not sure when we started playing their version, but it felt like being in a horror movie.
Sage would say that they were a stoat and I was a rabbit, which if you don’t know, it’s a weasel-like animal that eats rabbits. Reality only became more confusing for me, because they would also call me and treat me like one, too. This is why rabbits are so important to me, and why I chose my username - I have black hair, and for a while, I was their rabbit. There was wild lettuce growing in their backyard that they’d take me out to eat, because rabbits need their nutrients.
I hate that word now, nutrients. Along with all their other fetishes, they groomed me into feederism as well, which has left me with more trauma and disordered eating tendencies. Spaghetti, raspberries, and lettuce were Sage's favorite things to feed me, though watching me eat anything aroused them. It’s interesting, because I can eat buttered pasta and raspberries from a container just fine. But it’s specifically buttered spaghetti and raspberries growing from a bush that are triggering to me.
But by far the worst thing they did to me was force me to urinate on them. It was almost like a ritual. They’d bring me water and I’d drink it, wait until I was desperate to pee, then I’d waddle over to the bathtub and pee on them. I figured out I was transgender in 2020, and invested in an STP (stand-to-pee) device to help with my dysphoria, which is a hollowed-out penis made of silicone that lets you pee standing up. My STP became their favorite way for me to pee on them, because I could stand over them instead of crouching down. Also because it allowed me to urinate into their mouth and get sucked off, even though I couldn’t feel anything there.
That experience resulted in an intense fear of using public restrooms, and at the same time, fetishes for exhibitionism and urinating. I’ve never acted on them before, but I think about it a lot. Whenever I do have to use a public bathroom, the idea of someone else listening to me pee simultaneously disgusts and arouses me. I’ve never used my STP in public, and even though I desperately want bottom surgery, the idea of using a urinal terrifies me because of that similar standing position, and being watched.