My Ex (Part 1/2)
blackrabbit223
Registrant
The memories of what my ex did are scattered all over, so I’m not sure who experienced which event. To keep it somewhat consistent, I’ll be using I here to refer to all of us instead of we. I ended up developing psychosis a year into the relationship so I’ll be saving everything that happened then for a second post. I can remember parts of 2017 clearly, but 2018 and afterwards it became harder and harder to differentiate between reality, fiction, and other people’s experiences.
I’ve always liked to design fictional characters, which is integral to this story. My ex bonded with me over our shared creativity and corrupted it over the grooming process, so we could write porn together. We always just called them “stories”, but it was erotic fiction, plain and simple. Except it’s not, because that’s how they put ideas into my head.
Through writing, they taught me so many words I didn’t know before, like tits, dick, and blowjob, as well as “kink" terms (I say in quotations, because they were just using it as a prop for abuse). Up until the point they started doing that, I was a very sheltered kid who went to an abysmal sex-ed class and still thought that dang was a bad word. They’d show me writing they did on their own as well, sometimes in in a public setting. On a field trip to the art museum, they handed me their phone and watched as I read porn about their favorite show on the bus. We’d write using our school email addresses, including while in class. I’m amazed we were never caught, since we weren’t exactly subtle about not paying attention to the lectures. We would spend hours every day, sometimes most of the day, just writing these stories together.
The first time they actually spoke to me using that kind of language was during a lunch break. I was minding my own business and eating, then they shoved a prepackaged cookie into my mouth with no warning. I remember vividly what they said during it: “Deepthroat the cookie, slut!”
No one told them to stop it, get an adult’s attention, or even just asked me if I was okay. They laughed and I laughed too, even though I was confused and hurt by what had just happened. Then I opened up the packaging and ate my cookie as everyone finished their own meals. If I’d known what was going on, I would’ve told a teacher myself, or at least I think so.
Sometime before we started dating, we went to a friend’s house for a sleepover and shared a bed for the first time. Nothing happened except some awkward cuddling and leg positioning, but it was the first time I’d been touched like that, unless there’s some repressed memories from Logan doing something. I think it was their actual first time though. We wouldn’t stop talking about how “last night felt like a dream” in the morning, like we’d actually had sex, which is cringy looking back but hey, we were teenagers.
In general they’d be physical with me. Picking me up, having me hug them a lot or sit in their lap. At the end of the school year, we played a game where we’d take turns laying on top of each other to see how long it took for the person on the bottom to run out of breath, then switch positions. In the same room as a teacher, who said or did nothing about this.
In October, I asked them out, because one of my friends said that I had a crush on them and should take them to homecoming. I was so shy to ask them for a kiss that I tried to pronounce dinosaur names out loud from a book they had, and if I got one right then they’d kiss me. I can’t remember if they just kissed me on the cheek/forehead or not at all.
Later we played truth or dare and I asked them to kiss me, and got one on the cheek. Based on the way they were grinning at me, they knew what they were doing. I was called infantilizing terms by them a lot in general: precious, pure, innocent, cinnamon roll, sweet summer child. They really wanted to emphasize the fact that I was naive, and that they were teaching me about “dirty” adult things. It was almost like we had a teacher/student relationship, not helped by the fact a majority of their family were teachers, and I think that’s where a lot of my current issues with teachers stem from.
Honestly I can’t tell if this happened a couple months or a year into the relationship, but I have a strong feeling that it was in the fall and at their house. We were on the bed and they were telling me that when they gave an order, to be “bad” and go against it. They were very insistent that going against them was bad, but it was also good because it was what I was supposed to do. Sometime later, I’m not sure when, we were actually having sex and they told me to do something. I said no like they’d taught me to, then I was told to get on my hands and knees to be “punished” and then they spanked me for the first time. This was unexpected and scared me to the point I had an accident, which they licked off of me and said tasted good.
That switch in how they acted was frightening, because up until that point minus the cookie incident, they’d been “nice” to me. This was my first time seeing them act “mean” and it wouldn’t be the last.
Trigger Warnings for COCSA, grooming, physical abuse (towards the end)
I’ve always liked to design fictional characters, which is integral to this story. My ex bonded with me over our shared creativity and corrupted it over the grooming process, so we could write porn together. We always just called them “stories”, but it was erotic fiction, plain and simple. Except it’s not, because that’s how they put ideas into my head.
Through writing, they taught me so many words I didn’t know before, like tits, dick, and blowjob, as well as “kink" terms (I say in quotations, because they were just using it as a prop for abuse). Up until the point they started doing that, I was a very sheltered kid who went to an abysmal sex-ed class and still thought that dang was a bad word. They’d show me writing they did on their own as well, sometimes in in a public setting. On a field trip to the art museum, they handed me their phone and watched as I read porn about their favorite show on the bus. We’d write using our school email addresses, including while in class. I’m amazed we were never caught, since we weren’t exactly subtle about not paying attention to the lectures. We would spend hours every day, sometimes most of the day, just writing these stories together.
The first time they actually spoke to me using that kind of language was during a lunch break. I was minding my own business and eating, then they shoved a prepackaged cookie into my mouth with no warning. I remember vividly what they said during it: “Deepthroat the cookie, slut!”
No one told them to stop it, get an adult’s attention, or even just asked me if I was okay. They laughed and I laughed too, even though I was confused and hurt by what had just happened. Then I opened up the packaging and ate my cookie as everyone finished their own meals. If I’d known what was going on, I would’ve told a teacher myself, or at least I think so.
Sometime before we started dating, we went to a friend’s house for a sleepover and shared a bed for the first time. Nothing happened except some awkward cuddling and leg positioning, but it was the first time I’d been touched like that, unless there’s some repressed memories from Logan doing something. I think it was their actual first time though. We wouldn’t stop talking about how “last night felt like a dream” in the morning, like we’d actually had sex, which is cringy looking back but hey, we were teenagers.
In general they’d be physical with me. Picking me up, having me hug them a lot or sit in their lap. At the end of the school year, we played a game where we’d take turns laying on top of each other to see how long it took for the person on the bottom to run out of breath, then switch positions. In the same room as a teacher, who said or did nothing about this.
In October, I asked them out, because one of my friends said that I had a crush on them and should take them to homecoming. I was so shy to ask them for a kiss that I tried to pronounce dinosaur names out loud from a book they had, and if I got one right then they’d kiss me. I can’t remember if they just kissed me on the cheek/forehead or not at all.
Later we played truth or dare and I asked them to kiss me, and got one on the cheek. Based on the way they were grinning at me, they knew what they were doing. I was called infantilizing terms by them a lot in general: precious, pure, innocent, cinnamon roll, sweet summer child. They really wanted to emphasize the fact that I was naive, and that they were teaching me about “dirty” adult things. It was almost like we had a teacher/student relationship, not helped by the fact a majority of their family were teachers, and I think that’s where a lot of my current issues with teachers stem from.
Honestly I can’t tell if this happened a couple months or a year into the relationship, but I have a strong feeling that it was in the fall and at their house. We were on the bed and they were telling me that when they gave an order, to be “bad” and go against it. They were very insistent that going against them was bad, but it was also good because it was what I was supposed to do. Sometime later, I’m not sure when, we were actually having sex and they told me to do something. I said no like they’d taught me to, then I was told to get on my hands and knees to be “punished” and then they spanked me for the first time. This was unexpected and scared me to the point I had an accident, which they licked off of me and said tasted good.
That switch in how they acted was frightening, because up until that point minus the cookie incident, they’d been “nice” to me. This was my first time seeing them act “mean” and it wouldn’t be the last.