My Encounter (Possible Trigger Warning)
RedPanda
New Registrant
It all started a couple weeks ago, but has been influenced by my past as well. I met a guy (who I considered a friend till this incident) through work and we began hanging out going fishing, to the range, chilling and talking, etc. I thought he was a pretty cool guy and as I got to know him better we connected on a lot of levels. One we shared was we had both experienced sexual trauma as children as well as severe physical abuse. I had opened up to him and shared intimate details and now it feels like everything I told him was just adding to his plan to assault me. Recently (this year), I started attending a 12 step program through my church that focuses on recognizing sins, hurts, etc and healing from them by leaning into your relationship with God. One of the things that I shared with the group is that I am a porn and masturbation addict, but as we’ve worked through the confession portion it really encourages you to share your darkest secrets with someone you trust. I have been too fearful to share it with my leaders or my mentor in the program, and chose to share it with my friend as I had a deep trust with him. Basically, my porn and masturbation addiction led to me indulging in the use of sex toys (some which may be considered “gay toys”) and I begun to explore my sexuality through gay, but mostly transgender porn. I am currently in recovery for all of this and I just haven’t gotten the courage to share it with the people that can really help me overcome this addiction. I don’t consider myself gay, but perhaps maybe a bit bi-curious. Until the incident I had been a virgin and never had sexual interactions with anyone man or woman so that’s why I say maybe bi-curious.
Recently, my friend fell on hard times and lost his job as well as his apartment. He had asked if he could stay with me for a couple months and I agreed as I considered him a friend and have a couch he can sleep on for a while. He had also just gone through a pretty bad break up with a girl and because of his mental health struggles, it really messed him up. So, I think maybe it was a week after he moved in he began talking gay to me and at first I thought he was joking, but now I know he was serious. I realize not everyone finds gay/sex jokes funny, but as someone who has childhood sexual trauma it’s one of the humor outlets I use. So, I’ve made a lot of gay jokes with him, but again I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Around that time he started asking me stuff like “do you want to touch me” or “can I touch you” and telling me to “get in bed” with him or “show him my genitals.” I told him multiple times to stop doing that shit because I’m not like that and I’m not interested in having gay sexual relations. This went on for about a week up until last weekend when I got high on edibles. I tend to be careful with dosing when taking edible so I don’t lose control of myself and so I can stay somewhat aware of my surroundings. That night we went out to grab some munchies cause I got the craving and while we were driving to the restaurant and back, he kept bringing up like if I was horny, wanted to touch his penis, or if he could touch mine. When we got back home, I was laid on the couch watching TV because I had decided to be nice and let him use my bed and I crash on the couch instead of vice versa. He came and sat down beside me and started tickling and rubbing my feet. I asked him what the hell he was doing and told him to stop, and he did stop rubbing my feet, but started rubbing my legs and asked me if I was hard. Then he started masturbating inside his pants right there in front of me and I told him to go to his room if he wanted to do that and not to do that shit in front of me. He wouldn’t leave, so I pulled my knees to my chest and covered myself with a blanket to form a barrier wall between us. Mind you, I was pretty high so there was nowhere for me to run. After I did that, he continued to, what I can only assume was, masturbate and he tried rubbing my legs again while he did that. At that point I got even more uncomfortable and told him to go away or I would beat the crap out of him. Finally, he got up and went to his room. The next morning he told me that I was so high that I ripped his pants off and tried to assault him, but he had stopped me.
Fast forward to yesterday, he allegedly got super high on edibles although to me he did not display any signs of being high. We were talking and joking around and I made a joke about being horny (hindsight I probably shouldn’t have made anymore sexual jokes after he initially touched me) and he came out of his room wrapped in a blanket and sat down in a way to where my legs were held down. He asked if he could touch my penis or give me a handjob and I told him that was gay and I didn’t feel comfortable. He told me it was okay and it wasn’t gay and I said okay, but not yes and he grabbed my penis and started rubbing it through my pajama pants. I don’t know what happened, but it felt good even though I didn’t want it to happen and so I didn’t say anything. Then he ripped (I could hear the fabric tearing he was so forceful) my pants off and began masturbating me with his hand. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and I didn’t want to do it anymore and he said “shut the fuck up and enjoy it” and began going faster and held me down with his other arm. At that point, I think I disconnected because I felt nothing but him using my body for his pleasure. My hearing went in and out and it felt like a slow motion movie and I was the one being hurt. I have a very rough past and I have been through several traumatic situations where I disconnected from reality and this felt the same way. I remember him ripping my pants off the rest of the way and telling me he was going to put me inside him and then being on top of me. I don’t know if there was actual insertion because I was just laying there completely numb and possibly had my eyes closed too. I orgasmed and he got angry and said “did you really just cum? Wtf dude” and I said “yeah, I’m sorry” because he sounded so angry I thought he might hurt me physically. Also earlier that night he told me he was seeing demons and they told him to hurt me, and since he’s a bit stronger than I am I was genuinely fearful. He stayed on top of me moving back and forth and moaning until I got soft and then he just got up and went to bed without saying anything else.
I felt disgusting, dirty, and very scared. I wanted to take a shower, but when I got up he was still awake in his room and I was worried he might try to assault me further. I finally took a shower this morning while he was asleep and I still feel dirty and like I fucked up somehow. I also got extremely nauseous afterwards and wanted to cry, but I have a hard time expressing emotions because of my past. I ended up having diarrhea this morning and have felt so nauseous I haven’t eaten anything all day. I am genuinely shaking writing this out rn and I don’t know what to do. I want to kick him out of my house, but he has history of being violent and I’m scared that he will hurt me when I try to kick him out or come back and hurt me later. He knows where I work, my church, some of my friend’s houses, and my house obviously. Today, for the first time in my life, I went into my house with a weapon because I was scared he might try to hurt me again. I am scared too that he might try and paint it that I assaulted him because he was allegedly high, if I go to the police, but I have a video on my camera of him taking his pants off and coming into my room when I made the joke about being horny. So, I have some evidence, but I took a shower because I felt so violated and dirty so a rape kit would be useless at this point. Idk what to do and I’m so terrified of telling anyone close to me including my therapist. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all day and why (even though I know bodily reactions are sometimes uncontrollable) I would have felt pleasure or orgasmed during the assault.
Recently, my friend fell on hard times and lost his job as well as his apartment. He had asked if he could stay with me for a couple months and I agreed as I considered him a friend and have a couch he can sleep on for a while. He had also just gone through a pretty bad break up with a girl and because of his mental health struggles, it really messed him up. So, I think maybe it was a week after he moved in he began talking gay to me and at first I thought he was joking, but now I know he was serious. I realize not everyone finds gay/sex jokes funny, but as someone who has childhood sexual trauma it’s one of the humor outlets I use. So, I’ve made a lot of gay jokes with him, but again I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Around that time he started asking me stuff like “do you want to touch me” or “can I touch you” and telling me to “get in bed” with him or “show him my genitals.” I told him multiple times to stop doing that shit because I’m not like that and I’m not interested in having gay sexual relations. This went on for about a week up until last weekend when I got high on edibles. I tend to be careful with dosing when taking edible so I don’t lose control of myself and so I can stay somewhat aware of my surroundings. That night we went out to grab some munchies cause I got the craving and while we were driving to the restaurant and back, he kept bringing up like if I was horny, wanted to touch his penis, or if he could touch mine. When we got back home, I was laid on the couch watching TV because I had decided to be nice and let him use my bed and I crash on the couch instead of vice versa. He came and sat down beside me and started tickling and rubbing my feet. I asked him what the hell he was doing and told him to stop, and he did stop rubbing my feet, but started rubbing my legs and asked me if I was hard. Then he started masturbating inside his pants right there in front of me and I told him to go to his room if he wanted to do that and not to do that shit in front of me. He wouldn’t leave, so I pulled my knees to my chest and covered myself with a blanket to form a barrier wall between us. Mind you, I was pretty high so there was nowhere for me to run. After I did that, he continued to, what I can only assume was, masturbate and he tried rubbing my legs again while he did that. At that point I got even more uncomfortable and told him to go away or I would beat the crap out of him. Finally, he got up and went to his room. The next morning he told me that I was so high that I ripped his pants off and tried to assault him, but he had stopped me.
Fast forward to yesterday, he allegedly got super high on edibles although to me he did not display any signs of being high. We were talking and joking around and I made a joke about being horny (hindsight I probably shouldn’t have made anymore sexual jokes after he initially touched me) and he came out of his room wrapped in a blanket and sat down in a way to where my legs were held down. He asked if he could touch my penis or give me a handjob and I told him that was gay and I didn’t feel comfortable. He told me it was okay and it wasn’t gay and I said okay, but not yes and he grabbed my penis and started rubbing it through my pajama pants. I don’t know what happened, but it felt good even though I didn’t want it to happen and so I didn’t say anything. Then he ripped (I could hear the fabric tearing he was so forceful) my pants off and began masturbating me with his hand. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and I didn’t want to do it anymore and he said “shut the fuck up and enjoy it” and began going faster and held me down with his other arm. At that point, I think I disconnected because I felt nothing but him using my body for his pleasure. My hearing went in and out and it felt like a slow motion movie and I was the one being hurt. I have a very rough past and I have been through several traumatic situations where I disconnected from reality and this felt the same way. I remember him ripping my pants off the rest of the way and telling me he was going to put me inside him and then being on top of me. I don’t know if there was actual insertion because I was just laying there completely numb and possibly had my eyes closed too. I orgasmed and he got angry and said “did you really just cum? Wtf dude” and I said “yeah, I’m sorry” because he sounded so angry I thought he might hurt me physically. Also earlier that night he told me he was seeing demons and they told him to hurt me, and since he’s a bit stronger than I am I was genuinely fearful. He stayed on top of me moving back and forth and moaning until I got soft and then he just got up and went to bed without saying anything else.
I felt disgusting, dirty, and very scared. I wanted to take a shower, but when I got up he was still awake in his room and I was worried he might try to assault me further. I finally took a shower this morning while he was asleep and I still feel dirty and like I fucked up somehow. I also got extremely nauseous afterwards and wanted to cry, but I have a hard time expressing emotions because of my past. I ended up having diarrhea this morning and have felt so nauseous I haven’t eaten anything all day. I am genuinely shaking writing this out rn and I don’t know what to do. I want to kick him out of my house, but he has history of being violent and I’m scared that he will hurt me when I try to kick him out or come back and hurt me later. He knows where I work, my church, some of my friend’s houses, and my house obviously. Today, for the first time in my life, I went into my house with a weapon because I was scared he might try to hurt me again. I am scared too that he might try and paint it that I assaulted him because he was allegedly high, if I go to the police, but I have a video on my camera of him taking his pants off and coming into my room when I made the joke about being horny. So, I have some evidence, but I took a shower because I felt so violated and dirty so a rape kit would be useless at this point. Idk what to do and I’m so terrified of telling anyone close to me including my therapist. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all day and why (even though I know bodily reactions are sometimes uncontrollable) I would have felt pleasure or orgasmed during the assault.