My Daughter and Her Questions

[Syntaxed]

Haven't been here for a few weeks. And a hard few weeks it has been.

We went on "vacation" to another state and I had a complete breakdown. My psychiatrist called me daily to assess my mental state, judging where I was as far as suicide. She gave me her cell number and told me to call her anytime, day or night, if I needed to talk (I like her, she's the first one who's ever seemed to give a shit.

But, that's not what this thread is about.

My 9 year old girl has been asking about sex, but we've been so busy with my mental problems and other things, that we've been putting her off. Today, my wife had "the talk" with her. Then, this evening, my wife had a meeting she had to go to and my daughter, who has always been comfortable asking me questions, started asking me specific questions dealing with sex. She has a friend who was sexually abused, so, of course, the conversation went there and I had to tell her, for the first time, that there were people out there who would hurt her. I told her the statistics and told her how they go about doing it. She asked me how a man could abuse a boy, and I gently (I hope) told her that a man could make a boy do things to his genitals. I got very uncomfortable with the questions, but I value the bond we have, and that she is still comfortable talking to me about things like this.

Now, it's 1:00 in the morning, the house is asleep, and I am profoundly depressed. From where I sit, I can see my daughter and my 7 year old son sleeping. I told my daughter that I thought her personality would protect her - she is very assertive and confident and tells us everything - but who knows anymore? Just one month ago a camp counselor took my 7 year old - by force - into a bathroom stall, so who the fuck knows? I have four children. Can I protect them? I have nightmares of my flashbacks, where I am replaced by images of my children being abused and it breaks my heart beyond all reason. I am crying now, and I don't know if it's because I'm tired, or because of what I had to tell my daughter, or the daily fucking flashbacks I have to deal with, or reading the newspaper every single goddamn day and seeing another story of a child who was abused, or the vacation that just went wrong, or my latest medical cocktail, or a new semester starting in college, or the fact that money is tight or all of the above. I just know that I hurt, and I hurt bad, and I see no escape. I know there's a saying, "If you're going through Hell, keep going," and it's a cute, thought-provoking platitude, but really, if you're going through Hell, you're not getting out. There will be demons and tortured souls and Dante's rings laying siege to your mind and soul until you can't go on and you just want to lay your head down and accept fate.

Sorry to be so depressing. I'm just tired.

Chris

 

[roadrunner]

Chris,

One of the most important things I learned when I was trying to cope with the avalanche of feelings and anxieties I was getting as a survivor new to recovery was this: when I'm feeling really bad, that's not the time to start analyzing my life and what it means. At such a moment things are bound to look terrible, not because they are THAT terrible, but because feelings have a way of overwhelming reality.

In your case, yes, the flashbacks are horrible and there are other things on your mind as well. I know how you feel about the safety of your children, and yes, it's a royal pain in the ass being dependent on medication just to get through the day. And on and on and on.

But these feelings are obscuring some realities that are even more important. Your daughter came to you and needed to talk: she trusts you and loves you. I remember the episode of your son at the day camp, and that worked out the same way. You have healthy well-adjusted children willing to talk to their parents if things feel wrong or uncomfortable. That shows that together you and your wife are creating a strong family environment for your children, and that says a lot about the relationship between you and your wife.

I can imagine the pressure of a new semester beginning, but isn't the beginning of every semester like that? It is for me, and I have been a university teacher for 25 years! And finances, well, they're always up and down, aren't they?

You refer to that saying, "If you're going through Hell, keep going," and I think it's the truth, not a platitude. If there isn't an escape, all that means is that in dealing with abuse issues we have to go straight through the middle and out the other side. So many others have done it and so can we.

Another basic truth is that we can't be strong every day. We can aim for that, but some days we DO need to be able to say, "You know what? This sucks and I am so fed up with all this shit." After that we have to get up and move on, and that's part of what makes recovery so difficult. But it's worth it, and when we need the breaks, we should just go ahead and take them.

You aren't alone in feeling defeated and tired, Chris. But the operative term here is "not alone". You have people in your life who love you and need you, and friends here who understand and support you and have also been through the stage where you are now. When you are ready, I hope you will accept this love, understanding and support and set out again on the path we are all on. There's no schedule but yours, and when you are ready others will be there for you.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Lloydy]

Chris
I don't come here as much as I used to, but MS is a very special place for me. It helped me keep my sanity at a very difficult time.

It sounds as though you are doing all the right things, but still feel overwhelmed.
It's an easy situation to fall into but hell to get out of.

Throw in flashbacks and a growing family and it becomes difficult to prioritise even the little everyday things like putting gas in the car.
So, maybe it's your time to ask for help?
There's nothing wrong with doing that, and you obviously have because you see a therapist. But never be afraid to ask family and friends either.

I found that the more I asked, the more help I got. And the reason the help wasn't offered before was because nobody knew I was struggling, I hid behind a facade of "I'm ok" when I was actually sinking fast.
It was macho bullshit, which I didn't need and did me no good.

Dave